Life with AP after divorce

[Anonymous]

My BFF was the AP. He left the wife and 3 kid's. They married eventually. So much drama for so many years. 20 years later she is separated with no plan to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, married 10 years and 2 kids. I am very happy.

Hmmmm not giving many details, lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

[Anonymous]

My dad did that, but AP then ended things. She apparently said that she couldn't respect him for leaving his family, He has since remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

If you're going to do it, this is the way to do it. I have a grudging respect for her saying she had to earn her way out. You owe your current spouse and your children some level of fidelity. And if you're truly to build a new life, having it built on some measure of honor has to be important.

OTOH, I still think they're scummy for doing this to their kids. But that's not my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this. Of all the affairs out there, I'd say less than .001% are the situation described in this article. And that's generous.

Some people think "the heart wants what it wants". Others think your spouse is your family. You are committed. You never stop trying to make it work. Loving someone else more is not a reason to leave a marriage. We'll have to agree to disagree on that, I venture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

As if the timing of the consummation magically made everything else okay for their exes and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Yes, when you romanticize it, there are romantically and well written love stories that are affairs. But where is the study on how the kids turn out? On how they turn out? And fuck their spouses. We don't need any stories on the spouses. Just the dynamic duo that bravely jumped into love. We don't hear about the first time either one of them bravely jumped into love with their original/first spouse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH left his ex for me. I wasn't really an AP in the normal sense. There was no deceit or sneaking around. He moved out before we started dating. They were separated, but still married. In hind site, I wish we had waited until the divorce was final. I think it would have been easier for her. The kids were too young to know the difference. They were 4 and 7. After we got married, they lived with us full time.

Did he leave his wife for you? Or he had already left her and then met you? You say there was no deceit but obviously there was immoral behavior (like, I don't know, getting involved with a man who is married? But he already left her! But wait, no, he left her for me actually!) You make no sense. If he were truly separated from his wife and had no possibility of reconciliation when you first got involved, you would not have posted on this thread. And "the kids were too young to know the difference"???? At 4 and 7?? Bitch, please. You call her bitter but at least she's not deluded. You broke up a marriage. Own it.

Dude it doesn't matter. If the woman dipped on her kids after then that is all on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

I have never thought it that big of a deal, or saving grace, whatever, that the married folks waited to consummate things. If my spouse were in love with another, were flirting, and plotting to leave me for another, there is zero part of me that would respect them for waiting to bump genitals until the ink was dry on the divorce decree. In fact, I would kind of respect my spouse more if they got caught up in lust, were having crazy sex with their AP while married to me, then broke it off. It seems far less cold and calculating if someone fucks first then realizes its too late to put the pieces back together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

I have never thought it that big of a deal, or saving grace, whatever, that the married folks waited to consummate things. If my spouse were in love with another, were flirting, and plotting to leave me for another, there is zero part of me that would respect them for waiting to bump genitals until the ink was dry on the divorce decree. In fact, I would kind of respect my spouse more if they got caught up in lust, were having crazy sex with their AP while married to me, then broke it off. It seems far less cold and calculating if someone fucks first then realizes its too late to put the pieces back together.

THIS. Plus one million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

It wouldn't have mattered when we consummated our relationship. Married to AP for thirty years with two children. Are we happy, yes we are soul mates and love each other more now than every. But, and there is always a but, extended family relationships are a mess and our children have no relationship with a lot of extended family members because of the damage and drama that brought down the marriage. Happy to have found a soul mate, but would not do it again. The damage to the family, including extended, was/is irreparable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

The dick wants what the dick wants / the vagina wants what the vagina wants <-- this is the correct quote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen: couples who affair pre-kids and the marriage ends - sometimes the APs make it work for the long haul.

Couples with kids who break up the family for their AP. It never lasts. OK, I am sure there are exception, but I haven't seen one yet.

This is your "exception", although I think there are many more. Sometimes you get married to one person, and then your soulmate comes along. The heart wants what the heart wants. The couple here did things right. They built a friendship founded in their devotion to their kids, and then it turned into something more. They couldn't deny their feelings any longer, so they confessed their love to each other. Each announced to his/her respective spouse that they'd be leaving for the other person. THEN they consummated their relationship. Not one moment before.

Child of divorce here, and this one quote made me want to vomit:

“My kids are going to look at me and know that I am flawed and not perfect, but also deeply in love,” she said. “We’re going to have a big, noisy, rich life, with more love and more people in it.”

Ok, seriously get over yourself. Kids of divorce can totally handle the fact that mom and dad weren't meant to be together, for whatever reason. We can handle that we sometimes forget our ball glove at mom's house and can't play baseball with friends because I am at dad's. We can handle that holidays become more of a PITA because I am running around like a chicken without our heads trying to see two families (and then when we have kids seeing four families since my wife's parents are also divorced).

Leave aside whether my parents are more happy with their current partner's than with each other - its none of my business. But please spare me the bullshit that you are bringing more love to the family. You aren't. You are bringing headache and pain on your kids, who will be fine accepting it as long as you aren't trying to spin it as a benefit to them.

+100000. Own it.