Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

HAHAHA where do you people come from !!!!
If you have a Spanish culture then things are different

I assume OP is a lily white over sensitized entitled tik tok brat from her comment. No offense intended, just getting a baseline established.

I appreciate an independent woman. My lily white wife kept her maiden name because of independence and career continuity in her profession. Doesn't bother me, but doesn't mean there hasn't been hassles over the years, several hassles and confusion.

Our son is getting married to a Latina and she will be taking his name simply based on this is America not Spain.

In either direction, couples are free to do what they desire.
But if you're willing to break up over a surname, then lady, you are not ready for marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

Fair question. Not really. Our engagement was us discussing a wedding date. No proposal, no ring, no me waiting for him. I've never been traditional which is why I was shocked about his reaction. I guess we should have discussed our last names earlier.

I didn't change my last name but the wanting to have a proposal and buy a ring came more from my husband than it did from me (I wanted to get something for him so I got him a very nice watch as an engagement present).

This whole grudge match bean counting thing would be a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No a woman refusing to change her name to her husband's is making a specific and very political and psychological point in the context if modern relationships: I am the dominant party in this relationship.

So what about a man that not only refuses to take his wife's name but also expects her and his children to take his and only his?

Look, whatever floats your boat. Just like if she's not a traditionalist, then she doesn't even need to get married in the first place, right? It's just a piece of paper. And she shouldn't get bent out of shape if he decides traditional monogamy is not for him. Nor should she get all bent out of shape if he wants to do anything else in a non traditional manner and it works to her perceived disadvantage .

A woman keeping her name means she has to accept her husband cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t give up your identity by taking the last name of your partner.

Right so the man can take the woman’s name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

My kid has a different last name from me and it has literally never been an issue. Like not even 1 time in 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No a woman refusing to change her name to her husband's is making a specific and very political and psychological point in the context if modern relationships: I am the dominant party in this relationship.

So what about a man that not only refuses to take his wife's name but also expects her and his children to take his and only his?

Look, whatever floats your boat. Just like if she's not a traditionalist, then she doesn't even need to get married in the first place, right? It's just a piece of paper. And she shouldn't get bent out of shape if he decides traditional monogamy is not for him. Nor should she get all bent out of shape if he wants to do anything else in a non traditional manner and it works to her perceived disadvantage .

A woman keeping her name means she has to accept her husband cheating?

If someone doesn't want to be faithful to their partner because of a name change, they never wanted to be faithful to their partner.

So a guy who said "if you won't take my name, I don't need to be monogamous", that woman dodged a massive bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

My kid has a different last name from me and it has literally never been an issue. Like not even 1 time in 15 years.

I can guarantee someone, like a coach, teacher, or doctor, has had to spend extra time to verify or connect the dots that your kid is yours. Are you a step mom? Are you the legal guardian? Stuff like that. Just because it hasn’t impacted you, doesn’t mean it hasn’t impacted anyone.

Make the decision you want, it’s America, but you can’t pretend it’s not counter to local convention, and will cause confusion from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

My kid has a different last name from me and it has literally never been an issue. Like not even 1 time in 15 years.

I can guarantee someone, like a coach, teacher, or doctor, has had to spend extra time to verify or connect the dots that your kid is yours. Are you a step mom? Are you the legal guardian? Stuff like that. Just because it hasn’t impacted you, doesn’t mean it hasn’t impacted anyone.

Make the decision you want, it’s America, but you can’t pretend it’s not counter to local convention, and will cause confusion from time to time.

Dp Why do you assume everyone else will have the same intellectual struggle as you are having?

Are you the same person who cannot solve the problem of entering a hyphen on an SAT exam?

[Anonymous]

My parents come from another country (China) but I grew up here and yet this tradition of women changing their names still rubs me wrong. I am really baffled that American women, even self professed feminists, do this without hesitation. You could argue a name is just a name. But also a name is intricately tied to your identity. It is harder to track down female friends because they end up assuming a totally different name mid life. There is sometimes confusion on the professional front as women have to change their bar or medical licenses and deal with clients/patient confusion.

I get that this is how it has been done here but I don't see how you can overcome the fact that the tradition comes from men owning women. I think if you are familiar with other cultures where women do not change their names, you can more clearly see how odd it is. Asian societies manage to figure out who the mothers of children are without the surnames being the same. It is really not that hard or insurmountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

My kid has a different last name from me and it has literally never been an issue. Like not even 1 time in 15 years.

I can guarantee someone, like a coach, teacher, or doctor, has had to spend extra time to verify or connect the dots that your kid is yours. Are you a step mom? Are you the legal guardian? Stuff like that. Just because it hasn’t impacted you, doesn’t mean it hasn’t impacted anyone.

Make the decision you want, it’s America, but you can’t pretend it’s not counter to local convention, and will cause confusion from time to time.

Your trolling has negatively affected more people than my lack of name change, but as you say, you make the decision you want.

[Anonymous]

I've been married for 30 years. I didn't change my name. My three children have their father's last name. It was never, even once, an issue. It is true I live in a community filled with Moms with graduate/professional degrees, and I would guess that approximately 40 percent of the women in our community kept their maiden name for this, or cultural reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t give up your identity by taking the last name of your partner.

Tell that to men, that it's just a surname, and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ehhh.
I feel like you’re looked down upon or
That you’re an unwed baby momma if your last name differs from the kids

Do NOT come for me DCUM

The horror! Some people will think badly of OP, how is she gonna cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Ehhh.
I feel like you’re looked down upon or
That you’re an unwed baby momma if your last name differs from the kids

Do NOT come for me DCUM

The horror! Some people will think badly of OP, how is she gonna cope?

If people looked down on my mom as an unwed baby momma (mom and dad have been married for over 50 years, my oldest sibling is 45) then it never came up or affected us at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

HAHAHA where do you people come from !!!!
If you have a Spanish culture then things are different

I assume OP is a lily white over sensitized entitled tik tok brat from her comment. No offense intended, just getting a baseline established.

I appreciate an independent woman. My lily white wife kept her maiden name because of independence and career continuity in her profession. Doesn't bother me, but doesn't mean there hasn't been hassles over the years, several hassles and confusion.

Our son is getting married to a Latina and she will be taking his name simply based on this is America not Spain.

In either direction, couples are free to do what they desire.
But if you're willing to break up over a surname, then lady, you are not ready for marriage.

Can you please give us your example of all the hassles and confusion that her keeping her name has caused?