Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

This is a fair point.

Expectations based on traditional gender norms go both ways.

You both think if you chose some traditions, you have to pick them all?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would not marry this man. This is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No a woman refusing to change her name to her husband's is making a specific and very political and psychological point in the context if modern relationships: I am the dominant party in this relationship.

So what about a man that not only refuses to take his wife's name but also expects her and his children to take his and only his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

This is a fair point.

Expectations based on traditional gender norms go both ways.

You both think if you chose some traditions, you have to pick them all?

I said expectations go both ways. If your expectations are ""I'm picking them all", then yes your partner gets "pick them all" option as well.

I don't see that as the case here. It depends on what someone is expecting of someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to figure out what upsets you the most and go from there. Is this a pattern on refusing to compromise? Do you generally feel like an equal partner and it's just this particular issue that he is hung up on? What is it about keeping your name that is most important to you? Are you unsure about marrying him and this is your hill to die on so you have a reason to call it off? This is an argument about a name change, but it's not *just* a name change. I think the reasons behind the strong opinions on both sides need to be examined.

FWIW, I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father. Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him. When I thought about why I wanted to keep mine - spelling was much easier, it was simpler, there are no males in the family who are carrying it on, feeling like I was giving up part of myself) I decided that I was willing to give in. It's rare that he digs his feet in on something and had I really pushed back he would've respected my decision. He agreed that our first child would have my maiden name as a middle name.

None of us can decide this for you, but I really think you owe it to yourself to think hard about it before ending the relationship.

Men marry expecting to keep their names and give their wives theirs for no reason other than tradition. Why are women expected to justify their refusal to take their husbands' name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

This is a fair point.

Expectations based on traditional gender norms go both ways.

Similar to how these women always say that want an "involved" father, but cannot let go and must dictate every facet of child rearing. What they really want is someone to do the things they do not want to do without complaint, but give them all autonomy and authority otherwise. In other words: childish.

[Anonymous]

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

This is a fair point.

Expectations based on traditional gender norms go both ways.

Similar to how these women always say that want an "involved" father, but cannot let go and must dictate every facet of child rearing. What they really want is someone to do the things they do not want to do without complaint, but give them all autonomy and authority otherwise. In other words: childish.

PP that's another topic.

OP has already clarified she isn't expecting traditional gender norms. She we have no reason to believe reciprocation is an issue.

[Anonymous]

I got married to partner, not to dissolve into someone’s identity.

I am amazed people still trot out the old argument of kids need same name. No, kids need good parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No a woman refusing to change her name to her husband's is making a specific and very political and psychological point in the context if modern relationships: I am the dominant party in this relationship.

So what about a man that not only refuses to take his wife's name but also expects her and his children to take his and only his?

Look, whatever floats your boat. Just like if she's not a traditionalist, then she doesn't even need to get married in the first place, right? It's just a piece of paper. And she shouldn't get bent out of shape if he decides traditional monogamy is not for him. Nor should she get all bent out of shape if he wants to do anything else in a non traditional manner and it works to her perceived disadvantage .

[Anonymous]

You don’t give up your identity by taking the last name of your partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

[Anonymous]

Ehhh.
I feel like you’re looked down upon or
That you’re an unwed baby momma if your last name differs from the kids

Do NOT come for me DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

I'm the kid of a mom who didn't change her name and this is ridiculous. Literally never had an issue.