19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 34 and he was 50. Happily married, 2 grown children, 64 and 80. Sometimes it works.

You were 34, kind of the age when women run out of options to marry promising men their own age group. OP is 27, she has a few years to find somone under 35 to marry

This is utter BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 34 and he was 50. Happily married, 2 grown children, 64 and 80. Sometimes it works.

You were 34, kind of the age when women run out of options to marry promising men their own age group. OP is 27, she has a few years to find somone under 35 to marry

This is utter BS.

Not really. OP has a lot of options. 20 years and older kids is really a lot of baggage she doesn’t need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, people in their 60s don't normally need caregivers and do tend to work until 65-70. Thing is, you start to age rapidly around 60 and that looks different for everyone.

You could be 40 with kids and your 60 year old dh has limited energy, for example. My older dad used to sleep while "watching" football most of the weekend while resting to go back to work on Monday.

By the time you are 50, your dh will be 70. If you are ok with, and dealing with his first family for all.of your married life, then go for it OP.

If I was in my late 20s,.did not already have kids or a divorce, and not desperate, I would try dating guys my own age and in their 30s, and not have to deal with their first family etc...

As a late 40s woman who dated couple very energetic (for their age) late 50s and early 60s men, the slow down is noticeable. Men like peace, stay back home, kids irritate them, they don’t bike, ski etc. I’m energetic so late 50s feels old even for me. Even the men who are very healthy and fit

How are they energetic, heathy and fit if they do no activity, stay home, and just sleep all the time? How are they out dating if they are just staying home? If you are energetic and active, I am surpised you have never seen anyone over 60 do any activity or ride a bike or hike or ski or run or go to the gym or do any activity. I see a lot of them in my area. It makes me laugh that people think that everyone over 60 is literally housebound and sleeping and aren't capable of being active or looking after themselves.

You really think that ten years from now your life will be over and you will just be sleeping all the time and needing a caregiver to help you get through your day? That you will no longer go out or be active or interact with people? By 60! You all make me laugh. I find it hard to believe that no one had parents or knows of adults who were independent or still active and living life after 60.

I expect 15 year olds to think that 60 is so old that you are decrepid and needing to be cared for but most people by 40, realize that 60 year olds are still very independent, active and functional.

Personally I wouldn't date anyone with that size of age gap for a multitude of reasons but none are because I think that life is over by 60 and I would need to be their caregiver and they wouldn't be able to do much except sleep.

Do the math. When OP is 60 and still energetic he will be 80 and very old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, people in their 60s don't normally need caregivers and do tend to work until 65-70. Thing is, you start to age rapidly around 60 and that looks different for everyone.

You could be 40 with kids and your 60 year old dh has limited energy, for example. My older dad used to sleep while "watching" football most of the weekend while resting to go back to work on Monday.

By the time you are 50, your dh will be 70. If you are ok with, and dealing with his first family for all.of your married life, then go for it OP.

If I was in my late 20s,.did not already have kids or a divorce, and not desperate, I would try dating guys my own age and in their 30s, and not have to deal with their first family etc...

As a late 40s woman who dated couple very energetic (for their age) late 50s and early 60s men, the slow down is noticeable. Men like peace, stay back home, kids irritate them, they don’t bike, ski etc. I’m energetic so late 50s feels old even for me. Even the men who are very healthy and fit

You do not seem to realize that an "energetic" late 50s year old has no clue what an energetic 20-year-old is like?? Your idea of energetic might be slow as hell to a 20-year-old.

Yes, I do realize it. Which is why I don’t date 27 yo men at my 47. And young men are better than young women in a sense that there are fewer gold diggers among them in that age group . So my money likely won’t help me to buy the 27 yo men I’m attracted to, leaving alone marry one.
I’m just realistic. I think some young modern women are not particular ethical or picky in their quest to marry rich. All these sugar babies with good corporate jobs who would open legs for a better purse. Yakis.

Maybe women like OP do need to learn from their life mistakes.

[Anonymous]

I was just talking to a younger coworker about age gaps. I think 20 years is too much at any age. But the younger you are, the more an age gap can make sense because you get more out of it. It’s one thing to marry a 40 year old when you are 25. You still get healthy sperm and a coparent and partner who is in the same general life stage for 20 years. Then when you are 55 and they are 70, you have still built a full life together. But if you are 35 and marry a 50 year old you basically have very little time to have a shared life stage, and their ability to parent is compromised by their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to a younger coworker about age gaps. I think 20 years is too much at any age. But the younger you are, the more an age gap can make sense because you get more out of it. It’s one thing to marry a 40 year old when you are 25. You still get healthy sperm and a coparent and partner who is in the same general life stage for 20 years. Then when you are 55 and they are 70, you have still built a full life together. But if you are 35 and marry a 50 year old you basically have very little time to have a shared life stage, and their ability to parent is compromised by their age.

Yes and no. I would question the “heathy sperm” thesis. Mid 40s is when men go through mid life crisis. I was early 30s with a 3 yo toddler, and my exH was mid 40s and very selfish in his attempt to build a high flying career at the expense of his time with family. No, we were not in the same life stages and drifted apart after 7 years of happiness (maybe).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, people in their 60s don't normally need caregivers and do tend to work until 65-70. Thing is, you start to age rapidly around 60 and that looks different for everyone.

You could be 40 with kids and your 60 year old dh has limited energy, for example. My older dad used to sleep while "watching" football most of the weekend while resting to go back to work on Monday.

By the time you are 50, your dh will be 70. If you are ok with, and dealing with his first family for all.of your married life, then go for it OP.

If I was in my late 20s,.did not already have kids or a divorce, and not desperate, I would try dating guys my own age and in their 30s, and not have to deal with their first family etc...

As a late 40s woman who dated couple very energetic (for their age) late 50s and early 60s men, the slow down is noticeable. Men like peace, stay back home, kids irritate them, they don’t bike, ski etc. I’m energetic so late 50s feels old even for me. Even the men who are very healthy and fit

How are they energetic, heathy and fit if they do no activity, stay home, and just sleep all the time? How are they out dating if they are just staying home? If you are energetic and active, I am surpised you have never seen anyone over 60 do any activity or ride a bike or hike or ski or run or go to the gym or do any activity. I see a lot of them in my area. It makes me laugh that people think that everyone over 60 is literally housebound and sleeping and aren't capable of being active or looking after themselves.

You really think that ten years from now your life will be over and you will just be sleeping all the time and needing a caregiver to help you get through your day? That you will no longer go out or be active or interact with people? By 60! You all make me laugh. I find it hard to believe that no one had parents or knows of adults who were independent or still active and living life after 60.

I expect 15 year olds to think that 60 is so old that you are decrepid and needing to be cared for but most people by 40, realize that 60 year olds are still very independent, active and functional.

Personally I wouldn't date anyone with that size of age gap for a multitude of reasons but none are because I think that life is over by 60 and I would need to be their caregiver and they wouldn't be able to do much except sleep.

Do the math. When OP is 60 and still energetic he will be 80 and very old.

According to this thread, OP will not be energetic by 60. She herself will be old and slow and barely able to do things and need caregiving herself. According to posters her husband will be long dead. 60 is when life ends and your body has degraded and you lose your independence and need caregiving and can no longer the active. There are posts saying that by your mid 60s you need a caregiver to change your diapers.

[Anonymous]

How are you meeting all of these super wealthy men?? Asking for a friend…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, people in their 60s don't normally need caregivers and do tend to work until 65-70. Thing is, you start to age rapidly around 60 and that looks different for everyone.

You could be 40 with kids and your 60 year old dh has limited energy, for example. My older dad used to sleep while "watching" football most of the weekend while resting to go back to work on Monday.

By the time you are 50, your dh will be 70. If you are ok with, and dealing with his first family for all.of your married life, then go for it OP.

If I was in my late 20s,.did not already have kids or a divorce, and not desperate, I would try dating guys my own age and in their 30s, and not have to deal with their first family etc...

As a late 40s woman who dated couple very energetic (for their age) late 50s and early 60s men, the slow down is noticeable. Men like peace, stay back home, kids irritate them, they don’t bike, ski etc. I’m energetic so late 50s feels old even for me. Even the men who are very healthy and fit

How are they energetic, heathy and fit if they do no activity, stay home, and just sleep all the time? How are they out dating if they are just staying home? If you are energetic and active, I am surpised you have never seen anyone over 60 do any activity or ride a bike or hike or ski or run or go to the gym or do any activity. I see a lot of them in my area. It makes me laugh that people think that everyone over 60 is literally housebound and sleeping and aren't capable of being active or looking after themselves.

You really think that ten years from now your life will be over and you will just be sleeping all the time and needing a caregiver to help you get through your day? That you will no longer go out or be active or interact with people? By 60! You all make me laugh. I find it hard to believe that no one had parents or knows of adults who were independent or still active and living life after 60.

I expect 15 year olds to think that 60 is so old that you are decrepid and needing to be cared for but most people by 40, realize that 60 year olds are still very independent, active and functional.

Personally I wouldn't date anyone with that size of age gap for a multitude of reasons but none are because I think that life is over by 60 and I would need to be their caregiver and they wouldn't be able to do much except sleep.

Do the math. When OP is 60 and still energetic he will be 80 and very old.

According to this thread, OP will not be energetic by 60. She herself will be old and slow and barely able to do things and need caregiving herself. According to posters her husband will be long dead. 60 is when life ends and your body has degraded and you lose your independence and need caregiving and can no longer the active. There are posts saying that by your mid 60s you need a caregiver to change your diapers.

Some do need diapers in mid 60s. My exH needed them at 55. He was otherwise healthy and fit to onlookers.

But what people are actually telling you here is that “energetic” definition is different for different age groups. A 60 yo woman would be way more active than a 80 yo husband. I have several female friends with older husbands of about 15-20 years gap . They mostly travel separately, visit kids separately from their partners; have weekend outings alone etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to a younger coworker about age gaps. I think 20 years is too much at any age. But the younger you are, the more an age gap can make sense because you get more out of it. It’s one thing to marry a 40 year old when you are 25. You still get healthy sperm and a coparent and partner who is in the same general life stage for 20 years. Then when you are 55 and they are 70, you have still built a full life together. But if you are 35 and marry a 50 year old you basically have very little time to have a shared life stage, and their ability to parent is compromised by their age.

Yes and no. I would question the “heathy sperm” thesis. Mid 40s is when men go through mid life crisis. I was early 30s with a 3 yo toddler, and my exH was mid 40s and very selfish in his attempt to build a high flying career at the expense of his time with family. No, we were not in the same life stages and drifted apart after 7 years of happiness (maybe).

Right. No guarantees but I think the prospects are better in different scenarios. You do have to always question why a man could find a woman his own age and why he did not settle down earlier and what is motivating him now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 34 and he was 50. Happily married, 2 grown children, 64 and 80. Sometimes it works.

You were 34, kind of the age when women run out of options to marry promising men their own age group. OP is 27, she has a few years to find somone under 35 to marry

This is utter BS.

Not really. OP has a lot of options. 20 years and older kids is really a lot of baggage she doesn’t need.

? I'm not saying OP should have kids with a man 20 years older ( I have posted on here that OP shouldn't do it), but a woman who is 34 is not out out of options for the dating pool. I wouldn't want to date a man who is only interested in women under 30, even when I was under 30. It speaks to their desire for only seeing the woman as a baby maker, or they want to be controlling. This reeks of conservative men who think women should submit to their husbands.

I ended up marrying a man seven years older, but I was 30+ when we started dating, and he definitely wasn't seeking a baby maker or to control me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m mostly wanting to not marry him. Age isn’t the issue for me ( I don’t think I’m too mature for guys my own age, I just like more mature guys) and it’s not about the money—I'm genuinely attracted to the fact that he's emotionally older and I’d still be interested in him even if he didn’t have wealth though.

But, My family is not happy, and my mom isn’t talking to me as much since I told them around Thanksgiving about this. After I recently told my mom & dad about his plans to marry and have a baby with me, they were a little disappointed and think that him being divorced already is a big problem. They wanted me to say no right away, said I was stupid for even considering it, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is.

My biggest concern & the main reason I’m leaning towards not marrying him, aside from his health, is that I’m not very enthusiastic about being a stepmom. I’m just not very excited about that role. I don’t have any issue with the having stepkids part but I don’t want my kids to have to share a dad with his adult children and grow up with that, and the dynamic that comes with a blended family makes me feel uneasy.

Go with your gut. Those concerns are going to play out.

He has a lot more to gain from this match, as everyone is saying. So he will really be inclined to make this work and will say anything to get you to stay.

You are the best option for him (his most reasonable option is to find a 40-something divorcee who already has kids. I know couples in this category and it seems pretty good.) he probably can't believe his luck that a hot 27 year old actually wants to be with him.

I'm sure he's a nice guy. But he is one of the worst options for you. Your ideal match would be someone within 5 years of your age with no kids so you can build a life together without baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 34 and he was 50. Happily married, 2 grown children, 64 and 80. Sometimes it works.

You were 34, kind of the age when women run out of options to marry promising men their own age group. OP is 27, she has a few years to find somone under 35 to marry

This is utter BS.

Not really. OP has a lot of options. 20 years and older kids is really a lot of baggage she doesn’t need.

? I'm not saying OP should have kids with a man 20 years older ( I have posted on here that OP shouldn't do it), but a woman who is 34 is not out out of options for the dating pool. I wouldn't want to date a man who is only interested in women under 30, even when I was under 30. It speaks to their desire for only seeing the woman as a baby maker, or they want to be controlling. This reeks of conservative men who think women should submit to their husbands.

I ended up marrying a man seven years older, but I was 30+ when we started dating, and he definitely wasn't seeking a baby maker or to control me.

There were several threads on it, but you are very lucky. Most young men worthy marriage get coupled in their mid to late 20s . They already have GFs they plan to marry. OP also wants to marry an established financially man. These men have options and generally would want to marry a prettier younger woman . Yes this is unfair but it’s just the fact. Mid 30s wealthy men would be dating someone like OP in 25-30 age group

At 34 OP can easily find a wealthy divorced man with 2 kids . This option will be still there for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 34 and he was 50. Happily married, 2 grown children, 64 and 80. Sometimes it works.

You were 34, kind of the age when women run out of options to marry promising men their own age group. OP is 27, she has a few years to find somone under 35 to marry

This is utter BS.

Not really. OP has a lot of options. 20 years and older kids is really a lot of baggage she doesn’t need.

? I'm not saying OP should have kids with a man 20 years older ( I have posted on here that OP shouldn't do it), but a woman who is 34 is not out out of options for the dating pool. I wouldn't want to date a man who is only interested in women under 30, even when I was under 30. It speaks to their desire for only seeing the woman as a baby maker, or they want to be controlling. This reeks of conservative men who think women should submit to their husbands.

I ended up marrying a man seven years older, but I was 30+ when we started dating, and he definitely wasn't seeking a baby maker or to control me.

So we are recommend OP to do what you did. She can marry a man 7 years older and date men her age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 34 and he was 50. Happily married, 2 grown children, 64 and 80. Sometimes it works.

You were 34, kind of the age when women run out of options to marry promising men their own age group. OP is 27, she has a few years to find somone under 35 to marry

This is utter BS.

Not really. OP has a lot of options. 20 years and older kids is really a lot of baggage she doesn’t need.

? I'm not saying OP should have kids with a man 20 years older ( I have posted on here that OP shouldn't do it), but a woman who is 34 is not out out of options for the dating pool. I wouldn't want to date a man who is only interested in women under 30, even when I was under 30. It speaks to their desire for only seeing the woman as a baby maker, or they want to be controlling. This reeks of conservative men who think women should submit to their husbands.

I ended up marrying a man seven years older, but I was 30+ when we started dating, and he definitely wasn't seeking a baby maker or to control me.

So we are recommend OP to do what you did. She can marry a man 7 years older and date men her age.

? no, I'm saying women who are 34 can marry a man in their own age group or a bit older.