19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 34 and he was 50. Happily married, 2 grown children, 64 and 80. Sometimes it works.

You were 34, kind of the age when women run out of options to marry promising men their own age group. OP is 27, she has a few years to find somone under 35 to marry

This is utter BS.

Not really. OP has a lot of options. 20 years and older kids is really a lot of baggage she doesn’t need.

? I'm not saying OP should have kids with a man 20 years older ( I have posted on here that OP shouldn't do it), but a woman who is 34 is not out out of options for the dating pool. I wouldn't want to date a man who is only interested in women under 30, even when I was under 30. It speaks to their desire for only seeing the woman as a baby maker, or they want to be controlling. This reeks of conservative men who think women should submit to their husbands.

I ended up marrying a man seven years older, but I was 30+ when we started dating, and he definitely wasn't seeking a baby maker or to control me.

So we are recommend OP to do what you did. She can marry a man 7 years older and date men her age.

? no, I'm saying women who are 34 can marry a man in their own age group or a bit older.

Yes they can. But their chances of marrying a wealthy 34 yo man are lower than the chances of a 27 yo woman. Men prefer to marry slightly younger partners. IF OP wants to marry a rich 34 yo man when she's in her 30s, she should lock him down now while she's still in her 20s

[Anonymous]

OP literally has no time to waste on this guy if she wants to marry a younger rich man without baggage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

+1000

Hah? Why is it not ageist for OPs boyfriend not to want dating women 20 years older than him ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

+1000

Hah? Why is it not ageist for OPs boyfriend not to want dating women 20 years older than him ?

It is if the reason is because he thinks 65 year old women need caregivers.

[Anonymous]

Bad idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

+1000

Hah? Why is it not ageist for OPs boyfriend not to want dating women 20 years older than him ?

It is if the reason is because he thinks 65 year old women need caregivers.

He surely thinks women expire at 30/40/50. Just doesn’t tell OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9:38 - You need to add that he's going to be very angry if she tries to leave when he's older. There are unspoken parts to the deal he's luring her with. One is that she's going to be his nurse as he ages. He'll fight her on everything in court if she tries to opt out of that. The attorneys fees will eat up any settlement. She'll end up poorer than she would have if she just focused on her career.

OP, you're in it for life or until he finds an upgrade. You're not going to walk away with his money.

This is a good point. This relationship involves a lot of upside for him (you'll stay attractive until he is so old he doesn't care anymore, he will have someone to take care of him as he grows older), and a lot of downsides for her (blended family, no partner for the last 20 years of her life, and he won't actually be a true partner for the preceding 20 years while you are raising the kids.)

Right now, you are 27 and a phD candidate -- you are literally at the peak of your attractiveness and appearance of potential for partners. You will NEVER have as many options as you have right now (options for women change a lot after 30). Is this really the choice you want to make?

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m mostly wanting to not marry him. Age isn’t the issue for me ( I don’t think I’m too mature for guys my own age, I just like more mature guys) and it’s not about the money—I'm genuinely attracted to the fact that he's emotionally older and I’d still be interested in him even if he didn’t have wealth though.

But, My family is not happy, and my mom isn’t talking to me as much since I told them around Thanksgiving about this. After I recently told my mom & dad about his plans to marry and have a baby with me, they were a little disappointed and think that him being divorced already is a big problem. They wanted me to say no right away, said I was stupid for even considering it, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is.

My biggest concern & the main reason I’m leaning towards not marrying him, aside from his health, is that I’m not very enthusiastic about being a stepmom. I’m just not very excited about that role. I don’t have any issue with the having stepkids part but I don’t want my kids to have to share a dad with his adult children and grow up with that, and the dynamic that comes with a blended family makes me feel uneasy.

This is a completely valid reason! I wouldn't date men with children for this exact reason. If you asked all my friends with step kids, only one of them would say that she's do it again. The others have had such a hard time with it and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is...

You're 27 and have dated this guy 1.5 years, so starting around age 25. But prior to 25, you dated guyS who've had even more money than 26M?

So you were 21 or 23 (obviously busy in college) dating random wealthy guys, who somehow shared their investment portfolio with you, and you saw they had 50M or 100M?

This is BS! And so is your insisting that it isn't the money you're attracted to, you just like "who he is". Except "who he is", is a divorced dad of 2 teens - who you don't want to step-parent. So of the two major descriptors of his life - parent and wealthy - neither of those appeal to you. He's just a down-to-earth nice guy who appreciates poetry.

I think this whole discussion topic is made up BS!

"His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective)."

If this whole thing isn't BS, I want you to write this down and tuck it in your sock drawer and read it in 10 or 15 years. Whether you're married to him or not, you will have a good laugh and eyeroll at how immature you were back at age 27. And that you thought your "life perspective" matched that of a 46yo divorced dad.

OP: I’ve dated 30+ men since I was 19. Some were wealthy, some were not. I’ve never sought out men with money. The one commonality among the men I’ve dated is age, not wealth.

I’m from DC originally and currently on the West Coast, so I’ve been exposed to people from a wide range of backgrounds. What I’m attracted to is who someone is as a person. Yes, he’s a divorced dad, but he’s also a nice guy which is why I’m still dating him even though I’m 90% sure I don’t want to marry him.

If I didn’t genuinely like him and were only motivated by money or status, I wouldn’t be dating him — I’d still be dating some of the men I dated previously.

YOU DATED OVER 30 MEN IN 6 YEARS?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is...

You're 27 and have dated this guy 1.5 years, so starting around age 25. But prior to 25, you dated guyS who've had even more money than 26M?

So you were 21 or 23 (obviously busy in college) dating random wealthy guys, who somehow shared their investment portfolio with you, and you saw they had 50M or 100M?

This is BS! And so is your insisting that it isn't the money you're attracted to, you just like "who he is". Except "who he is", is a divorced dad of 2 teens - who you don't want to step-parent. So of the two major descriptors of his life - parent and wealthy - neither of those appeal to you. He's just a down-to-earth nice guy who appreciates poetry.

I think this whole discussion topic is made up BS!

"His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective)."

If this whole thing isn't BS, I want you to write this down and tuck it in your sock drawer and read it in 10 or 15 years. Whether you're married to him or not, you will have a good laugh and eyeroll at how immature you were back at age 27. And that you thought your "life perspective" matched that of a 46yo divorced dad.

OP: I’ve dated 30+ men since I was 19. Some were wealthy, some were not. I’ve never sought out men with money. The one commonality among the men I’ve dated is age, not wealth.

I’m from DC originally and currently on the West Coast, so I’ve been exposed to people from a wide range of backgrounds. What I’m attracted to is who someone is as a person. Yes, he’s a divorced dad, but he’s also a nice guy which is why I’m still dating him even though I’m 90% sure I don’t want to marry him.

If I didn’t genuinely like him and were only motivated by money or status, I wouldn’t be dating him — I’d still be dating some of the men I dated previously.

YOU DATED OVER 30 MEN IN 6 YEARS?!?

She corrected it and meant men aged
over 30. But I’m wondering why she only dated guys way older than her so young?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is...

You're 27 and have dated this guy 1.5 years, so starting around age 25. But prior to 25, you dated guyS who've had even more money than 26M?

So you were 21 or 23 (obviously busy in college) dating random wealthy guys, who somehow shared their investment portfolio with you, and you saw they had 50M or 100M?

This is BS! And so is your insisting that it isn't the money you're attracted to, you just like "who he is". Except "who he is", is a divorced dad of 2 teens - who you don't want to step-parent. So of the two major descriptors of his life - parent and wealthy - neither of those appeal to you. He's just a down-to-earth nice guy who appreciates poetry.

I think this whole discussion topic is made up BS!

"His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective)."

If this whole thing isn't BS, I want you to write this down and tuck it in your sock drawer and read it in 10 or 15 years. Whether you're married to him or not, you will have a good laugh and eyeroll at how immature you were back at age 27. And that you thought your "life perspective" matched that of a 46yo divorced dad.

OP: I’ve dated 30+ men since I was 19. Some were wealthy, some were not. I’ve never sought out men with money. The one commonality among the men I’ve dated is age, not wealth.

I’m from DC originally and currently on the West Coast, so I’ve been exposed to people from a wide range of backgrounds. What I’m attracted to is who someone is as a person. Yes, he’s a divorced dad, but he’s also a nice guy which is why I’m still dating him even though I’m 90% sure I don’t want to marry him.

If I didn’t genuinely like him and were only motivated by money or status, I wouldn’t be dating him — I’d still be dating some of the men I dated previously.

YOU DATED OVER 30 MEN IN 6 YEARS?!?

She corrected it and meant men aged
over 30. But I’m wondering why she only dated guys way older than her so young?

I'll take Daddy Issue for $1000 Ken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m mostly wanting to not marry him. Age isn’t the issue for me ( I don’t think I’m too mature for guys my own age, I just like more mature guys) and it’s not about the money—I'm genuinely attracted to the fact that he's emotionally older and I’d still be interested in him even if he didn’t have wealth though.

But, My family is not happy, and my mom isn’t talking to me as much since I told them around Thanksgiving about this. After I recently told my mom & dad about his plans to marry and have a baby with me, they were a little disappointed and think that him being divorced already is a big problem. They wanted me to say no right away, said I was stupid for even considering it, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is.

My biggest concern & the main reason I’m leaning towards not marrying him, aside from his health, is that I’m not very enthusiastic about being a stepmom. I’m just not very excited about that role. I don’t have any issue with the having stepkids part but I don’t want my kids to have to share a dad with his adult children and grow up with that, and the dynamic that comes with a blended family makes me feel uneasy.

This is a completely valid reason! I wouldn't date men with children for this exact reason. If you asked all my friends with step kids, only one of them would say that she's do it again. The others have had such a hard time with it and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

I agree. The stepchildren are perhaps an even bigger issue than the age gap, which is enormous! I don't have any friends with stepkids who would do it over again - not one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m mostly wanting to not marry him. Age isn’t the issue for me ( I don’t think I’m too mature for guys my own age, I just like more mature guys) and it’s not about the money—I'm genuinely attracted to the fact that he's emotionally older and I’d still be interested in him even if he didn’t have wealth though.

But, My family is not happy, and my mom isn’t talking to me as much since I told them around Thanksgiving about this. After I recently told my mom & dad about his plans to marry and have a baby with me, they were a little disappointed and think that him being divorced already is a big problem. They wanted me to say no right away, said I was stupid for even considering it, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is.

My biggest concern & the main reason I’m leaning towards not marrying him, aside from his health, is that I’m not very enthusiastic about being a stepmom. I’m just not very excited about that role. I don’t have any issue with the having stepkids part but I don’t want my kids to have to share a dad with his adult children and grow up with that, and the dynamic that comes with a blended family makes me feel uneasy.

As PPs have said, listen to your gut! Why would you do this to yourself? In addition to the above concerns you noted, there’s a good chance you will become his caregiver at some point, since you’re nearly 20 years younger. Even with closely aged longtime married couples, you will go through a lot of hard things together — raising kids, dealing with possible parental care giving, illnesse, deaths, etc. Throw in step children you’re not thrilled about and a former spouse, is just nuts.