19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

My friend partners with older men. I thought the first guy was a one time thing: this individual is her person, even though he is 20+ years older and twice divorced. She really loves him, who am I to judge? Welp, she spent 30 years of her life with him, had no children and nursed him through illness and death. Now she has partnered with another man 20+ years older. As her friend, I'm thinking we're going to go through another sickness, death, burial mourning sooner rather than later. Next time around, she'll be too old to find an older guy.
In short: find a man in your age range, within 5 years either direction and marry, have children and grow old together.

[Anonymous]

My neighbor, who is 52 and going through a divorce, is currently dating a 30-year old. She wants kids, he says he'll have more. I pointed out to him that if she got knocked up today, he'd be 70 at his child's high school graduation. That sort of shocked him.

So I'd say the same to you, if you want kids. Assuming it'll be a few years from now, do you want your husband to be geriatric when your kids are going off to college? You'll likely spend your later years taking care of an old man. Not the life I'd want to lead but you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He been divorced for eight years (been together 1.5), he has two kids who are 17 & 14, and he does want kids with me.

Oh god OP. HELL NO.

+1000

You can do way better than this, OP. Take off your love goggles.

[Anonymous]

With a 19-year age gap, he is closer to your parents' age than yours, assuming your parents were younger than 38 when they had you.

[Anonymous]

You’re already married? The last thing you should do is have children with him.

[Anonymous]

You will never come first with a man who has kids already. And if you do, that means he’s a shitty parent. You are young enough that you can find a man without children. Please do so, unless you enjoy making your life exponentially harder than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

27? You are in your prime, wasting your time.

[Anonymous]

Big NOPE

[Anonymous]

He’ll be retirement age in 20 years. Does he currently have enough money to:

- Pay for his current kids’ college
- Pay for children with you
- Pay for your kids’ college
- Pay for his older kids’ inheritance
- Pay for your kids’ inheritance
- Leave money to you, since presumably he will pass away 20-30 years before you do

When you’re 27, kid expenses don’t seem like a lot of money, and 20 years seems like forever. But 20 years really is not enough time to accumulate enough money to cover all the expenses listed above.

If he’s been through a divorce, his finances are likely not great. You need to sit down with him and go over it with a fine toothed comb to make sure there will be enough.

Personally, as someone who did marry and have a child with an older man, I would not. I didn’t realize how much more difficult the financial situation would be. I had to work multiple jobs just to cover our expenses and ended up contributing to his kids college expenses since he wasn’t.

Also, get rid of any ideas that you’ll be the Brady Bunch. His kids will resent you and any kids you have. You need to understand that going in, they’re not going to love your kids like siblings, they’re going to see them as the thing that took their dad away.

If you somehow have a massive stockpile of cash and you understand his older kids need to come first, it can work. Other wise you’re signing up for a lifetime of conflict and misery.

[Anonymous]

You're a kid to him. No matter how mature you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He been divorced for eight years (been together 1.5), he has two kids who are 17 & 14, and he does want kids with me.

You’re way too young to be dating a divorced dad. Stop wasting your prime dating years on him and focus on single men with no kids aged 27 to 33.

[Anonymous]

There’s only a 12 year gap for us -the family stuff worked out amazingly well, we have an ours and an older child from his first marriage. Everyone gets along, money isn’t a significant issue, etc.

And I’m going to tell you to end it.

Right now he’s in his 40s, energetic, healthy etc. In 20 years, you will be in your 40s, most likely energetic and healthy. He will be in his late 60s. It’s highly likely he WON’T be energetic, and a reasonable likelihood he won’t be healthy and will be a cranky old man.

The disparate aging is so hard. And you can’t really predict it. It also means when you do actually want to slow down, he might need even more care.

[Anonymous]

You're almost guaranteed to be his caretaker at some point in your life, and you need to think hard about what that's going to be like. I've been through it with parents, and while it's a privilege in many ways, it can also be very difficult and demanding both physically and emotionally. I realize that it can happen to any couple at any time, but you are essentially signing up for it.

[Anonymous]

Op, don't listen to naysayers here and see how you feel about everything. Talk to him about your fears and concerns and see how he reacts and how you connect with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor, who is 52 and going through a divorce, is currently dating a 30-year old. She wants kids, he says he'll have more. I pointed out to him that if she got knocked up today, he'd be 70 at his child's high school graduation. That sort of shocked him.

So I'd say the same to you, if you want kids. Assuming it'll be a few years from now, do you want your husband to be geriatric when your kids are going off to college? You'll likely spend your later years taking care of an old man. Not the life I'd want to lead but you do you.

This. On DCUM everybody loves to debate whether a 40-something can power through the infant/toddler years. It's the wrong question, see PP's questions.

The other good question is from the PP about childhood, college and inheritance money for both his current kids and future kids. Would you want to create a family that took away from his current kids?