19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

You need a partner not a guardian.

[Anonymous]

My sister married someone 15 years older with three kids, then they had kids together. The kids are now in their mid to late twenties, and he's almost 60, and she is absolutely miserable, and our family is trying to help her with outpatient care, and we do regular wellness checks on her. She needs to leave him. I'll spare all the ugly details for her privacy, but a 15+ year age gap, older kids, a pushy ex-wife, plus all of his flaws have absolutely crushed her. Sure, he makes a lot of money, but all of it goes out the door. She's not his priority. She now hates him. And it negatively affects her parenting. She's a shell of the person she was before she met him. I've known her for almost 40 years and she was never prone to depression before him. She was an intelligent, happy, fun woman with her whole life ahead of her, and now she's just sad and miserable, and the only thing I can do for her is show up and take her on walks to get her outside in the sunlight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister married someone 15 years older with three kids, then they had kids together. The kids are now in their mid to late twenties, and he's almost 60, and she is absolutely miserable, and our family is trying to help her with outpatient care, and we do regular wellness checks on her. She needs to leave him. I'll spare all the ugly details for her privacy, but a 15+ year age gap, older kids, a pushy ex-wife, plus all of his flaws have absolutely crushed her. Sure, he makes a lot of money, but all of it goes out the door. She's not his priority. She now hates him. And it negatively affects her parenting. She's a shell of the person she was before she met him. I've known her for almost 40 years and she was never prone to depression before him. She was an intelligent, happy, fun woman with her whole life ahead of her, and now she's just sad and miserable, and the only thing I can do for her is show up and take her on walks to get her outside in the sunlight.

I’m confused by the numbers here. He’s almost 60, but the youngest kid is mid-20s, so let’s say 24. So he had this kid when he was 35, and he’s 15 years older than her. Was she a teenage bride?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister married someone 15 years older with three kids, then they had kids together. The kids are now in their mid to late twenties, and he's almost 60, and she is absolutely miserable, and our family is trying to help her with outpatient care, and we do regular wellness checks on her. She needs to leave him. I'll spare all the ugly details for her privacy, but a 15+ year age gap, older kids, a pushy ex-wife, plus all of his flaws have absolutely crushed her. Sure, he makes a lot of money, but all of it goes out the door. She's not his priority. She now hates him. And it negatively affects her parenting. She's a shell of the person she was before she met him. I've known her for almost 40 years and she was never prone to depression before him. She was an intelligent, happy, fun woman with her whole life ahead of her, and now she's just sad and miserable, and the only thing I can do for her is show up and take her on walks to get her outside in the sunlight.

I’m confused by the numbers here. He’s almost 60, but the youngest kid is mid-20s, so let’s say 24. So he had this kid when he was 35, and he’s 15 years older than her. Was she a teenage bride?

Ya, the older stepkids are in their mid to late 20s. If the younger kids were that age, we would have been able to make her leave him by now.

[Anonymous]

I was going to reply to you with the true information that my parents were 19 years apart and we were married for 40 years until my father died. He was 43 and she was 24 when they married. This was in the 60s, and it was certainly not frowned upon in a huge way at the time. But neither of them went into the relationship with the right frame of mind. She was looking for a savior, and he was looking for someone to rescue, and an unequal footing like that is never great for a marriage. Nevertheless, it lasted, and they did love each other very much, though it was a very rocky marriage. The biggest caution I have is that they kind of met in the middle in terms of their functional ages. She aged very rapidly and acted like a woman in her 80s when she was in her 60s. He did the opposite. He was always much younger in function than his actual age. He actually worked full-time until he was 80 because he had that much energy. So I would say the marriage and kids kept him young, while we all made her very very old. She died at 73.

But my cautions for your specific circumstances are way, way worse than that. I am a stepmother who started dating my husband when my stepdaughter was 14, five years after his divorce from her mom. DH and I are the same age. We didn’t get married until she was 18. But it was really, really hard. Really really times infinity hard. She is now 31 and we are only just starting to get to a point of equilibrium.

I cannot imagine how much MORE she would have hated me if I wasn’t the same age as her dad but instead was only 10 years older than her. Do you really want to parent someone applying to colleges right now? That is MADneSs. She will loathe you, and loathe you five million times more if you have new babies with her dad.

No. Absolutely no no FFs run away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was going to reply to you with the true information that my parents were 19 years apart and we were married for 40 years until my father died. He was 43 and she was 24 when they married. This was in the 60s, and it was certainly not frowned upon in a huge way at the time. But neither of them went into the relationship with the right frame of mind. She was looking for a savior, and he was looking for someone to rescue, and an unequal footing like that is never great for a marriage. Nevertheless, it lasted, and they did love each other very much, though it was a very rocky marriage. The biggest caution I have is that they kind of met in the middle in terms of their functional ages. She aged very rapidly and acted like a woman in her 80s when she was in her 60s. He did the opposite. He was always much younger in function than his actual age. He actually worked full-time until he was 80 because he had that much energy. So I would say the marriage and kids kept him young, while we all made her very very old. She died at 73.

But my cautions for your specific circumstances are way, way worse than that. I am a stepmother who started dating my husband when my stepdaughter was 14, five years after his divorce from her mom. DH and I are the same age. We didn’t get married until she was 18. But it was really, really hard. Really really times infinity hard. She is now 31 and we are only just starting to get to a point of equilibrium.

I cannot imagine how much MORE she would have hated me if I wasn’t the same age as her dad but instead was only 10 years older than her. Do you really want to parent someone applying to colleges right now? That is MADneSs. She will loathe you, and loathe you five million times more if you have new babies with her dad.

No. Absolutely no no FFs run away.

Yes, it’s a different story when no kids from prior marriages are involved. Even then, it’s detrimental to younger spouse. I also know several women who married older and they indeed aged prematurely. It must be difficult to be married to somone that much older and not healthy for women…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was going to reply to you with the true information that my parents were 19 years apart and we were married for 40 years until my father died. He was 43 and she was 24 when they married. This was in the 60s, and it was certainly not frowned upon in a huge way at the time. But neither of them went into the relationship with the right frame of mind. She was looking for a savior, and he was looking for someone to rescue, and an unequal footing like that is never great for a marriage. Nevertheless, it lasted, and they did love each other very much, though it was a very rocky marriage. The biggest caution I have is that they kind of met in the middle in terms of their functional ages. She aged very rapidly and acted like a woman in her 80s when she was in her 60s. He did the opposite. He was always much younger in function than his actual age. He actually worked full-time until he was 80 because he had that much energy. So I would say the marriage and kids kept him young, while we all made her very very old. She died at 73.

But my cautions for your specific circumstances are way, way worse than that. I am a stepmother who started dating my husband when my stepdaughter was 14, five years after his divorce from her mom. DH and I are the same age. We didn’t get married until she was 18. But it was really, really hard. Really really times infinity hard. She is now 31 and we are only just starting to get to a point of equilibrium.

I cannot imagine how much MORE she would have hated me if I wasn’t the same age as her dad but instead was only 10 years older than her. Do you really want to parent someone applying to colleges right now? That is MADneSs. She will loathe you, and loathe you five million times more if you have new babies with her dad.

No. Absolutely no no FFs run away.

Yes, it’s a different story when no kids from prior marriages are involved. Even then, it’s detrimental to younger spouse. I also know several women who married older and they indeed aged prematurely. It must be difficult to be married to somone that much older and not healthy for women…

But if you find yourself in that situation, you need your own friends, and you need to spend most of your time with them. You can't let your partner turn you old before your time. It's a waste of a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was going to reply to you with the true information that my parents were 19 years apart and we were married for 40 years until my father died. He was 43 and she was 24 when they married. This was in the 60s, and it was certainly not frowned upon in a huge way at the time. But neither of them went into the relationship with the right frame of mind. She was looking for a savior, and he was looking for someone to rescue, and an unequal footing like that is never great for a marriage. Nevertheless, it lasted, and they did love each other very much, though it was a very rocky marriage. The biggest caution I have is that they kind of met in the middle in terms of their functional ages. She aged very rapidly and acted like a woman in her 80s when she was in her 60s. He did the opposite. He was always much younger in function than his actual age. He actually worked full-time until he was 80 because he had that much energy. So I would say the marriage and kids kept him young, while we all made her very very old. She died at 73.

But my cautions for your specific circumstances are way, way worse than that. I am a stepmother who started dating my husband when my stepdaughter was 14, five years after his divorce from her mom. DH and I are the same age. We didn’t get married until she was 18. But it was really, really hard. Really really times infinity hard. She is now 31 and we are only just starting to get to a point of equilibrium.

I cannot imagine how much MORE she would have hated me if I wasn’t the same age as her dad but instead was only 10 years older than her. Do you really want to parent someone applying to colleges right now? That is MADneSs. She will loathe you, and loathe you five million times more if you have new babies with her dad.

No. Absolutely no no FFs run away.

Yes, it’s a different story when no kids from prior marriages are involved. Even then, it’s detrimental to younger spouse. I also know several women who married older and they indeed aged prematurely. It must be difficult to be married to somone that much older and not healthy for women…

But if you find yourself in that situation, you need your own friends, and you need to spend most of your time with them. You can't let your partner turn you old before your time. It's a waste of a life.

As someone who was married for 15 years to a significantly older man, it’s very hard to build and maintain your own circle of friends and interests. These marriages usually have a certain power imbalance and husbands won’t allow wives to carve out much time for themselves. I only began living and traveling post divorce (I was lucky to get a decent settlement and always maintained a corporate employment )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a partner not a guardian.

Forget guardian…he’s getting a caregiver.

If y'all have children, people will always assume he’s the grandfather.
And by the time you are grandparents he’ll be unlikely to be around to grandparent with you.

Also it will be very difficult to convince your teen daughter that the 28-year-old dude who is hitting on her is too old for her. Just some things to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was going to reply to you with the true information that my parents were 19 years apart and we were married for 40 years until my father died. He was 43 and she was 24 when they married. This was in the 60s, and it was certainly not frowned upon in a huge way at the time. But neither of them went into the relationship with the right frame of mind. She was looking for a savior, and he was looking for someone to rescue, and an unequal footing like that is never great for a marriage. Nevertheless, it lasted, and they did love each other very much, though it was a very rocky marriage. The biggest caution I have is that they kind of met in the middle in terms of their functional ages. She aged very rapidly and acted like a woman in her 80s when she was in her 60s. He did the opposite. He was always much younger in function than his actual age. He actually worked full-time until he was 80 because he had that much energy. So I would say the marriage and kids kept him young, while we all made her very very old. She died at 73.

But my cautions for your specific circumstances are way, way worse than that. I am a stepmother who started dating my husband when my stepdaughter was 14, five years after his divorce from her mom. DH and I are the same age. We didn’t get married until she was 18. But it was really, really hard. Really really times infinity hard. She is now 31 and we are only just starting to get to a point of equilibrium.

I cannot imagine how much MORE she would have hated me if I wasn’t the same age as her dad but instead was only 10 years older than her. Do you really want to parent someone applying to colleges right now? That is MADneSs. She will loathe you, and loathe you five million times more if you have new babies with her dad.

No. Absolutely no no FFs run away.

Yes, it’s a different story when no kids from prior marriages are involved. Even then, it’s detrimental to younger spouse. I also know several women who married older and they indeed aged prematurely. It must be difficult to be married to somone that much older and not healthy for women…

But if you find yourself in that situation, you need your own friends, and you need to spend most of your time with them. You can't let your partner turn you old before your time. It's a waste of a life.

As someone who was married for 15 years to a significantly older man, it’s very hard to build and maintain your own circle of friends and interests. These marriages usually have a certain power imbalance and husbands won’t allow wives to carve out much time for themselves. I only began living and traveling post divorce (I was lucky to get a decent settlement and always maintained a corporate employment )

I’ve found that as well but I’m pushing back now. I’m making time for myself and (girl)friends who lift me up. If that triggers a divorce, fine. He can find someone else’s life to take.

[Anonymous]

You can do much better op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was going to reply to you with the true information that my parents were 19 years apart and we were married for 40 years until my father died. He was 43 and she was 24 when they married. This was in the 60s, and it was certainly not frowned upon in a huge way at the time. But neither of them went into the relationship with the right frame of mind. She was looking for a savior, and he was looking for someone to rescue, and an unequal footing like that is never great for a marriage. Nevertheless, it lasted, and they did love each other very much, though it was a very rocky marriage. The biggest caution I have is that they kind of met in the middle in terms of their functional ages. She aged very rapidly and acted like a woman in her 80s when she was in her 60s. He did the opposite. He was always much younger in function than his actual age. He actually worked full-time until he was 80 because he had that much energy. So I would say the marriage and kids kept him young, while we all made her very very old. She died at 73.

But my cautions for your specific circumstances are way, way worse than that. I am a stepmother who started dating my husband when my stepdaughter was 14, five years after his divorce from her mom. DH and I are the same age. We didn’t get married until she was 18. But it was really, really hard. Really really times infinity hard. She is now 31 and we are only just starting to get to a point of equilibrium.

I cannot imagine how much MORE she would have hated me if I wasn’t the same age as her dad but instead was only 10 years older than her. Do you really want to parent someone applying to colleges right now? That is MADneSs. She will loathe you, and loathe you five million times more if you have new babies with her dad.

No. Absolutely no no FFs run away.

Yes, it’s a different story when no kids from prior marriages are involved. Even then, it’s detrimental to younger spouse. I also know several women who married older and they indeed aged prematurely. It must be difficult to be married to somone that much older and not healthy for women…

But if you find yourself in that situation, you need your own friends, and you need to spend most of your time with them. You can't let your partner turn you old before your time. It's a waste of a life.

As someone who was married for 15 years to a significantly older man, it’s very hard to build and maintain your own circle of friends and interests. These marriages usually have a certain power imbalance and husbands won’t allow wives to carve out much time for themselves. I only began living and traveling post divorce (I was lucky to get a decent settlement and always maintained a corporate employment )

I’ve found that as well but I’m pushing back now. I’m making time for myself and (girl)friends who lift me up. If that triggers a divorce, fine. He can find someone else’s life to take.

Yes, it triggered divorce in my case. It had to be all for him, all structured around his needs, family and friends. I spent my 30s spending all holidays with people who were 20-30 years older than me with nothing in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I don’t believe that finances will be an issue. He has a $26m NW (BigLaw & generational wealth) and he’s promised me a prenup. His kids (17/g & 14/b) like me (though some might think I’m closer in maturity to them, I’m more aligned with him in terms of maturity and life perspective). I don’t have daddy issues—My dad is a great dad, not all women who date older do, I just prefer older. I’ve dated older men since college (not seriously) but I never expected to fall for one. Now I love him, we’re making plans and he wants more, marriage soon and kids as early as possible.
Health during old age is my biggest concern, not old age itself. While he’s healthy now and doesn’t have major health issues in his family (parents are early 70s and pretty healthy), I can’t ignore the fact that the age gap means he’ll be much older health wise and I’m unsure if that’s what I want long term. I’m hoping for at least 20 more years of good health though, but that isn’t guaranteed.

$26m isn't that much when you subtract three (four?) college tuitions, the cost of raising one or two more kids, plus his retirement and eldercare, plus yours. This is where people get into a crunch-- he's getting a lot closer to the end of his working years (because you can't assume he'll be healthy enough to work until 67 or whatever), and his expenses are about to spike.

I think the main problem people run into is that there's not enough dad to go around. How is he going to parent young kids with the level of hands-on a woman your age expects, plus also be a good father to his teenagers, plus also work enough to pay for all of this? It's a lot and he's only going to be less and less energetic. People get into these situations with the best of intentions, but sometimes the circle just doesn't square. Having a lot of money helps, but it's also just one more thing to fight over-- and believe me, his teens will eventually figure out that their inheritance decreased dramatically when you married and with each subsequent child. People will flame me for this and say nobody's entitled to an inheritance, which is true, but you can't show up in their lives and do that and expect them to be happy about it. You need to be realistic.

Assuming your PhD isn't going to get you a high-income job...

This is when I f**kin hate DCUM. That someone could type “$26m is not that much when ______” for ANYtHING is so absolutely clueless and enraging.

[Anonymous]

I always read these stories and hear "daddy issues", "abused", "low self esteem", "no standards". It's so sad to see women - especially women in their prime! - settling for busted divorced dads. You should be dating hot younger men your age, not some old fogey with kids your age. Maybe seek therapy to see why you are debasing yourself by choosing to date these losers.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what the exwife thinks about this.