19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s.

He is 46. His kids would graduate high school at 18. He doesn't turn 70 for 24 more years. And I would also contend that the majority of 70 year olds don't need caregivers either.

I'm not sure if you somehow got out of biology in high school but OP isn't pregnant right now (thank goodness). So assuming it takes a few years for them to get married, get pregnant, and have a couple of kids, he will absolutely be 70, or very close to it, upon high school graduation. Then pushing 75 for college graduation. That is OLD.

That’s old and what’s the problem? Would it stop the child from graduating high school and college?
My parents were 71 when I got my college degree.

Do you read at all? People shares existence here with older spouses. Women who commented didn’t marry men their age.
Of course it may not prevent you from college graduation. But you probably didn’t go on mountain skiing trips or snorkel with your parents when in college. I’m 47 like the OP’s BF and heading to a skiing trip with my 20 yo DC and their classmate next week. My friend who is married to a much older man and also has a college age child stays back home on holidays as her husband can’t actively travel (he’s late 70s). It’s the whole layer of active parent&child and spouse&spouse activities that OP would miss out or would go on her own with husband back home.

I get it. But so what?
A college student not going on a ski trip with their dad isn’t a huge deal. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of other ways to have fun that don’t require an active vacation.
Plus, college students usually don’t fantasize about going on trips with their dads.
The worries mentioned here are totally exaggerated. What really counts is love. Do the parents care for each other? Do they love their kids and do the kids love them back?
That’s what OP should really concentrate on. Love and character are way more important and will affect her life much more than just having a smaller age difference.

[Anonymous]

Hang out on the aging care forums.

Frequent posts come from wives who have husbands 10 years older and can't provide care for the husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s.

He is 46. His kids would graduate high school at 18. He doesn't turn 70 for 24 more years. And I would also contend that the majority of 70 year olds don't need caregivers either.

I'm not sure if you somehow got out of biology in high school but OP isn't pregnant right now (thank goodness). So assuming it takes a few years for them to get married, get pregnant, and have a couple of kids, he will absolutely be 70, or very close to it, upon high school graduation. Then pushing 75 for college graduation. That is OLD.

That’s old and what’s the problem? Would it stop the child from graduating high school and college?
My parents were 71 when I got my college degree.

Do you read at all? People shares existence here with older spouses. Women who commented didn’t marry men their age.
Of course it may not prevent you from college graduation. But you probably didn’t go on mountain skiing trips or snorkel with your parents when in college. I’m 47 like the OP’s BF and heading to a skiing trip with my 20 yo DC and their classmate next week. My friend who is married to a much older man and also has a college age child stays back home on holidays as her husband can’t actively travel (he’s late 70s). It’s the whole layer of active parent&child and spouse&spouse activities that OP would miss out or would go on her own with husband back home.

I get it. But so what?
A college student not going on a ski trip with their dad isn’t a huge deal. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of other ways to have fun that don’t require an active vacation.
Plus, college students usually don’t fantasize about going on trips with their dads.
The worries mentioned here are totally exaggerated. What really counts is love. Do the parents care for each other? Do they love their kids and do the kids love them back?
That’s what OP should really concentrate on. Love and character are way more important and will affect her life much more than just having a smaller age difference.

Love is not appearing out of nowhere. Maybe OP should read Kafka : it’s not a static feeling. Your loved ones won’t be loving you the same way when you become a burden. To most people it’s very important to be on the same stage of life and being able to do active things together as a family.
And I strongly doubt OPs BF is a great full time dad to his first set of kids with high integrity. Because it’s deeply selfish what he wants to himself, his future kids and Op.
Maybe you view men as largely financial providers so I doesn’t matter how and what they do with you on a free time. But I know many who travel with their adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He been divorced for eight years (been together 1.5), he has two kids who are 17 & 14, and he does want kids with me.

PLEASE live your own life!!! You are young, beautiful, and have a wonderful future ahead of you!

I see this happen through soooo many of my friends. Their husbands of 20+ years (now 45-55) leave, cheat, or divorce after their wives have raised the children (there is always children) and now have 25-30 year old girlfriends to avoid responsibility. They want to escape their life, waste money, and have fun. Their girlfriends love the "big" spenders who seem "sooo" successful. BUT the truth is that the old geezer's fortunes are HALF of what they would have been if you married a 30 year old man and had 20 years of youthful memories buying a first house, going on camping trips, doing everything for the first time (that he did with his wife -- and you didn't get to do). AND, he is not nearly as successful as he would have been in life if he didn't figure out how to make his marriage work -- he has narcissistic tendencies and wants to do what he wants to do -- he is going to treat you the exact same way. PLUS he is lying if he is not taking a blue pill (or will need to soon!).

10 years older, no kids, first marriage is NOT the same thing as the above. You have your entire future ahead of you and he is grooming you. You will miss out on the things he got, and the kids will hate you.

[Anonymous]

Please find out how generous he was with his first wife -- the men I know in these situations SCREWED them over (and will screw you over) -- no alimony, minimal child support, no future earnings, just 50/50 of the estate (which yes was huge, but he has all the earning power and she gave up all the earning power to support him and raise their kids).

I am so sad for the young innocent women in these situations -- they are swept off their feet by money (which actually isn't that much for a 50 year old!) and attention (while they ignore their children -- just like they'll ignore their next set of children). If you REALLY want to know the truth, find out about the ex-wife. My guess would be that he groomed her too (she was probably much younger than him as well).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please find out how generous he was with his first wife -- the men I know in these situations SCREWED them over (and will screw you over) -- no alimony, minimal child support, no future earnings, just 50/50 of the estate (which yes was huge, but he has all the earning power and she gave up all the earning power to support him and raise their kids).

I am so sad for the young innocent women in these situations -- they are swept off their feet by money (which actually isn't that much for a 50 year old!) and attention (while they ignore their children -- just like they'll ignore their next set of children). If you REALLY want to know the truth, find out about the ex-wife. My guess would be that he groomed her too (she was probably much younger than him as well).

That’s so true! This is what my exH did - I got a 50/50 settlement but he avoided paying for college, shifted all logistical and financial burden of launching our SN child into adulthood to me. He also was very aggressive during divorce, blackmailing me and his former MiL my mom.
I’m fine financially but nowhere near his NW and earning capacity. He surely dates a 20 years younger woman.
I date and can see through these types now right away. I once found an ex wife of a Big4 managing director in a trailer park in Arizona, selling Tshirts on Etsy. Sadly to her she was a former yoga instructor and couldn’t find a job where they lived post divorce. He was living in a 4 level penthouse in a with private elevator (but at least he took the kids under his wing - he lived in the penthouse with failure to launch adult son).
These large age and income gap marriages can end up very tragic for the woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s.

He is 46. His kids would graduate high school at 18. He doesn't turn 70 for 24 more years. And I would also contend that the majority of 70 year olds don't need caregivers either.

I'm not sure if you somehow got out of biology in high school but OP isn't pregnant right now (thank goodness). So assuming it takes a few years for them to get married, get pregnant, and have a couple of kids, he will absolutely be 70, or very close to it, upon high school graduation. Then pushing 75 for college graduation. That is OLD.

That’s old and what’s the problem? Would it stop the child from graduating high school and college?
My parents were 71 when I got my college degree.

Do you read at all? People shares existence here with older spouses. Women who commented didn’t marry men their age.
Of course it may not prevent you from college graduation. But you probably didn’t go on mountain skiing trips or snorkel with your parents when in college. I’m 47 like the OP’s BF and heading to a skiing trip with my 20 yo DC and their classmate next week. My friend who is married to a much older man and also has a college age child stays back home on holidays as her husband can’t actively travel (he’s late 70s). It’s the whole layer of active parent&child and spouse&spouse activities that OP would miss out or would go on her own with husband back home.

I get it. But so what?
A college student not going on a ski trip with their dad isn’t a huge deal. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of other ways to have fun that don’t require an active vacation.
Plus, college students usually don’t fantasize about going on trips with their dads.
The worries mentioned here are totally exaggerated. What really counts is love. Do the parents care for each other? Do they love their kids and do the kids love them back?
That’s what OP should really concentrate on. Love and character are way more important and will affect her life much more than just having a smaller age difference.

Love and character are great until one of us is in a nursing home or dead. 20 years is a lot, and anyone acting like there won't be massive gaps between OP and her boyfriend if they stay together is kidding themselves. Almost 20 pages say it's a bad idea. You can keep shilling whatever you're trying to sell but luckily it's being drowned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s.

He is 46. His kids would graduate high school at 18. He doesn't turn 70 for 24 more years. And I would also contend that the majority of 70 year olds don't need caregivers either.

I'm not sure if you somehow got out of biology in high school but OP isn't pregnant right now (thank goodness). So assuming it takes a few years for them to get married, get pregnant, and have a couple of kids, he will absolutely be 70, or very close to it, upon high school graduation. Then pushing 75 for college graduation. That is OLD.

That’s old and what’s the problem? Would it stop the child from graduating high school and college?
My parents were 71 when I got my college degree.

Do you read at all? People shares existence here with older spouses. Women who commented didn’t marry men their age.
Of course it may not prevent you from college graduation. But you probably didn’t go on mountain skiing trips or snorkel with your parents when in college. I’m 47 like the OP’s BF and heading to a skiing trip with my 20 yo DC and their classmate next week. My friend who is married to a much older man and also has a college age child stays back home on holidays as her husband can’t actively travel (he’s late 70s). It’s the whole layer of active parent&child and spouse&spouse activities that OP would miss out or would go on her own with husband back home.

I get it. But so what?
A college student not going on a ski trip with their dad isn’t a huge deal. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of other ways to have fun that don’t require an active vacation.
Plus, college students usually don’t fantasize about going on trips with their dads.
The worries mentioned here are totally exaggerated. What really counts is love. Do the parents care for each other? Do they love their kids and do the kids love them back?
That’s what OP should really concentrate on. Love and character are way more important and will affect her life much more than just having a smaller age difference.

It's actually a bigger deal for OP than her potential kids. Family life is better if you have a partner who loves what you love and can keep up with. If you love to ski in the example above, you'd probably be skiing alone by the time you are 40ish, and he's 60ish. My late 60s parents still ski, but at a much different pace than my teenagers and me.

Also, all you need is love -BS. You need a partner who shares your values, priorities, and dreams for the future. I'm going through this now with my older husband. He dreams about buying a home in the desert and golfing. The kids and I want to go on big adventures, like white-water rafting this summer, a safari in Africa, and a sailing trip (they've learned in summer camps and are ready to put their skills to use). When I think about what I want for myself over the next 5, 10, and 20 years, there is minimal overlap with what he wants for himself, aside from our commitment to being good parents. Our lives are moving in separate directions; soon, we will be one of those couples who are together but live separate lives. I can plan trips with the kids (and I find myself hanging out with single moms and coordinating with them on activities), and leave him behind, but it's a little sad for me when I see other families who all seem happy with two parents out having fun and being together in the same life stage. Add in older kids from a first marriage and the inevitable conflicting priorities over how time and money are spent with them versus on OP and her kids, and you have guaranteed misery.

I think OP is making a huge mistake but nothing anyone says on here will change her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s.

He is 46. His kids would graduate high school at 18. He doesn't turn 70 for 24 more years. And I would also contend that the majority of 70 year olds don't need caregivers either.

I'm not sure if you somehow got out of biology in high school but OP isn't pregnant right now (thank goodness). So assuming it takes a few years for them to get married, get pregnant, and have a couple of kids, he will absolutely be 70, or very close to it, upon high school graduation. Then pushing 75 for college graduation. That is OLD.

That’s old and what’s the problem? Would it stop the child from graduating high school and college?
My parents were 71 when I got my college degree.

Do you read at all? People shares existence here with older spouses. Women who commented didn’t marry men their age.
Of course it may not prevent you from college graduation. But you probably didn’t go on mountain skiing trips or snorkel with your parents when in college. I’m 47 like the OP’s BF and heading to a skiing trip with my 20 yo DC and their classmate next week. My friend who is married to a much older man and also has a college age child stays back home on holidays as her husband can’t actively travel (he’s late 70s). It’s the whole layer of active parent&child and spouse&spouse activities that OP would miss out or would go on her own with husband back home.

I get it. But so what?
A college student not going on a ski trip with their dad isn’t a huge deal. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of other ways to have fun that don’t require an active vacation.
Plus, college students usually don’t fantasize about going on trips with their dads.
The worries mentioned here are totally exaggerated. What really counts is love. Do the parents care for each other? Do they love their kids and do the kids love them back?
That’s what OP should really concentrate on. Love and character are way more important and will affect her life much more than just having a smaller age difference.

It's actually a bigger deal for OP than her potential kids. Family life is better if you have a partner who loves what you love and can keep up with. If you love to ski in the example above, you'd probably be skiing alone by the time you are 40ish, and he's 60ish. My late 60s parents still ski, but at a much different pace than my teenagers and me.

Also, all you need is love -BS. You need a partner who shares your values, priorities, and dreams for the future. I'm going through this now with my older husband. He dreams about buying a home in the desert and golfing. The kids and I want to go on big adventures, like white-water rafting this summer, a safari in Africa, and a sailing trip (they've learned in summer camps and are ready to put their skills to use). When I think about what I want for myself over the next 5, 10, and 20 years, there is minimal overlap with what he wants for himself, aside from our commitment to being good parents. Our lives are moving in separate directions; soon, we will be one of those couples who are together but live separate lives. I can plan trips with the kids (and I find myself hanging out with single moms and coordinating with them on activities), and leave him behind, but it's a little sad for me when I see other families who all seem happy with two parents out having fun and being together in the same life stage. Add in older kids from a first marriage and the inevitable conflicting priorities over how time and money are spent with them versus on OP and her kids, and you have guaranteed misery.

I think OP is making a huge mistake but nothing anyone says on here will change her mind.

Read her updates guys.. She had said that she won’t be marrying this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

Multiple posters have said that these younger wives will be caregivers by the time their spouses are in their 60s. I will look into more research but where I live, many people work past 60. Many are still active and independent. I was responding to the posts that people by their 60s will be dependent on these younger wives for caregiving - as I just don't see that at all in society. It is an ageist view to see anyone over 60 as a helpless person in need of caregiving because they are clearly so old that they can't do anything by themselves and their wives will need to do all their care. Maybe I live in a healthy area compared to most but I don't see those in their 60s needing caregivers just by virtue of their age.

No, they were pointing out that he'll be 70 by the time their kids would graduate from school and at that point, when they should be enjoying being empty nesters, OP would end up being a caretaker. Not when he was in his 60s.

He is 46. His kids would graduate high school at 18. He doesn't turn 70 for 24 more years. And I would also contend that the majority of 70 year olds don't need caregivers either.

I'm not sure if you somehow got out of biology in high school but OP isn't pregnant right now (thank goodness). So assuming it takes a few years for them to get married, get pregnant, and have a couple of kids, he will absolutely be 70, or very close to it, upon high school graduation. Then pushing 75 for college graduation. That is OLD.

That’s old and what’s the problem? Would it stop the child from graduating high school and college?
My parents were 71 when I got my college degree.

Do you read at all? People shares existence here with older spouses. Women who commented didn’t marry men their age.
Of course it may not prevent you from college graduation. But you probably didn’t go on mountain skiing trips or snorkel with your parents when in college. I’m 47 like the OP’s BF and heading to a skiing trip with my 20 yo DC and their classmate next week. My friend who is married to a much older man and also has a college age child stays back home on holidays as her husband can’t actively travel (he’s late 70s). It’s the whole layer of active parent&child and spouse&spouse activities that OP would miss out or would go on her own with husband back home.

I get it. But so what?
A college student not going on a ski trip with their dad isn’t a huge deal. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. There are plenty of other ways to have fun that don’t require an active vacation.
Plus, college students usually don’t fantasize about going on trips with their dads.
The worries mentioned here are totally exaggerated. What really counts is love. Do the parents care for each other? Do they love their kids and do the kids love them back?
That’s what OP should really concentrate on. Love and character are way more important and will affect her life much more than just having a smaller age difference.

It's actually a bigger deal for OP than her potential kids. Family life is better if you have a partner who loves what you love and can keep up with. If you love to ski in the example above, you'd probably be skiing alone by the time you are 40ish, and he's 60ish. My late 60s parents still ski, but at a much different pace than my teenagers and me.

Also, all you need is love -BS. You need a partner who shares your values, priorities, and dreams for the future. I'm going through this now with my older husband. He dreams about buying a home in the desert and golfing. The kids and I want to go on big adventures, like white-water rafting this summer, a safari in Africa, and a sailing trip (they've learned in summer camps and are ready to put their skills to use). When I think about what I want for myself over the next 5, 10, and 20 years, there is minimal overlap with what he wants for himself, aside from our commitment to being good parents. Our lives are moving in separate directions; soon, we will be one of those couples who are together but live separate lives. I can plan trips with the kids (and I find myself hanging out with single moms and coordinating with them on activities), and leave him behind, but it's a little sad for me when I see other families who all seem happy with two parents out having fun and being together in the same life stage. Add in older kids from a first marriage and the inevitable conflicting priorities over how time and money are spent with them versus on OP and her kids, and you have guaranteed misery.

I think OP is making a huge mistake but nothing anyone says on here will change her mind.

Read her updates guys.. She had said that she won’t be marrying this guy.

Missed that. Good for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

But you *should* be able to rely on your spouse. You cannot rely on him because he left his ex-wife, isn't a good dad to his current kids, and has 100% of the power in the relationship. Even the fact that he is trying to buy you with promised assets in the trust that he has given you $0 from after 1.5 years of your life that you've already given him should scare you. And is he really showing you $26M that is 100% his money or is it tied up, owed to his kids from his first wife, already been promised to his first wife in the trust. I'm sure he made the same promises to the first wife -- you aren't the first one he has groomed in this exact same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m mostly wanting to not marry him. Age isn’t the issue for me ( I don’t think I’m too mature for guys my own age, I just like more mature guys) and it’s not about the money—I'm genuinely attracted to the fact that he's emotionally older and I’d still be interested in him even if he didn’t have wealth though.

But, My family is not happy, and my mom isn’t talking to me as much since I told them around Thanksgiving about this. After I recently told my mom & dad about his plans to marry and have a baby with me, they were a little disappointed and think that him being divorced already is a big problem. They wanted me to say no right away, said I was stupid for even considering it, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is.

My biggest concern & the main reason I’m leaning towards not marrying him, aside from his health, is that I’m not very enthusiastic about being a stepmom. I’m just not very excited about that role. I don’t have any issue with the having stepkids part but I don’t want my kids to have to share a dad with his adult children and grow up with that, and the dynamic that comes with a blended family makes me feel uneasy.

please break up and go on apps for guys your own age right away!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

But you *should* be able to rely on your spouse. You cannot rely on him because he left his ex-wife, isn't a good dad to his current kids, and has 100% of the power in the relationship. Even the fact that he is trying to buy you with promised assets in the trust that he has given you $0 from after 1.5 years of your life that you've already given him should scare you. And is he really showing you $26M that is 100% his money or is it tied up, owed to his kids from his first wife, already been promised to his first wife in the trust. I'm sure he made the same promises to the first wife -- you aren't the first one he has groomed in this exact same way.

Good point. What does his divorce agreement say about paying for college and grad school, for example. Distinct from child support. If he's agreed to pay for both for two kids, there goes a million right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: We’ve only been dating a year and a half. I came here to hear both the good and the bad of a long term big age difference marriage to help me think things through as he was ready before I was in thinking about next steps, not because any decision about the future is imminent, I’m in no rush.

I’ve read everything and I hear the concerns. I very much appreciate the wisdom & knowledge of many of the older women here who’ve shared their experiences. Right now, we’re just enjoying each other’s company and thinking far into the future—not making decisions under pressure. Whatever decision (at minimum a year from now) I ultimately make for me and my future kids, I’ll be sure to own.

I misspoke earlier about the prenup, — he’s promised me money from his assets in the trust, not just the prenup. The prenup he’s promised is actually more generous than a typical marital equality split. But, I’m also working on building my own career and don’t plan on relying on a spouse in the future.

But you *should* be able to rely on your spouse. You cannot rely on him because he left his ex-wife, isn't a good dad to his current kids, and has 100% of the power in the relationship. Even the fact that he is trying to buy you with promised assets in the trust that he has given you $0 from after 1.5 years of your life that you've already given him should scare you. And is he really showing you $26M that is 100% his money or is it tied up, owed to his kids from his first wife, already been promised to his first wife in the trust. I'm sure he made the same promises to the first wife -- you aren't the first one he has groomed in this exact same way.

Good point. What does his divorce agreement say about paying for college and grad school, for example. Distinct from child support. If he's agreed to pay for both for two kids, there goes a million right there.

Of one these ex-wives here. Our MSA stipulates that son inherits 70% of estate in trusts of no other children; at least 30% if there are other children born after divorce. He established a trust to fulfill these provisions right after divorce.
So OP should keep her pocket wider for his empty promises. She will mostly likely have to waive the spousal share if he ever marries her

[Anonymous]

I know a couple with an even greater age gap and I am pretty sure the younger person in the couple is cheating often. The older person doesn’t seem to care. Bot my cup of tea but if they are ok with that I am ok too