What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

GTFO. You know next to nothing about how OP raised her kids, because she’s told you next to nothing except that she homeschooled them. We know something about you, though: you’re definitely a misogynist and possibly an anti-religion bigot.

Narrator: it wasn't the homeschooling per se, it was the forced religious indoctrination, the parental fighting (which is scary when you're a young person) and op's now apparent scapegoating of her son (he was difficult, etc). You gtfooh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:30+ years old is past the age of blaming mommy for your mental problems (even though OP sounds like a peace of work)

Shit, I'm in my 40's going through this. My parents are dead and can't answer my questions, though. Therapy helped me realize they were emotionally immature, rather than hateful monsters, and some of their "parenting" was abusive and neglectful. They definitely loved me, but they never should've had children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

It would be helpful if you could post something legitimate instead of just seething with anger and scorn. I think you have something to say but it's not worth wading through your emotional and psychological screed to get to it. If this represents the results of therapy, it seems like a waste of money.

Can you repost saying what you actually mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30+ years old is past the age of blaming mommy for your mental problems (even though OP sounds like a peace of work)

Shit, I'm in my 40's going through this. My parents are dead and can't answer my questions, though. Therapy helped me realize they were emotionally immature, rather than hateful monsters, and some of their "parenting" was abusive and neglectful. They definitely loved me, but they never should've had children.

Yup, me too at 50. It was having teenagers that really pushed me to work through this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30+ years old is past the age of blaming mommy for your mental problems (even though OP sounds like a peace of work)

Shit, I'm in my 40's going through this. My parents are dead and can't answer my questions, though. Therapy helped me realize they were emotionally immature, rather than hateful monsters, and some of their "parenting" was abusive and neglectful. They definitely loved me, but they never should've had children.

Yup, me too at 50. It was having teenagers that really pushed me to work through this stuff.

Yup, my teens got me, too. I hope you take comfort in treating your teens the way you should've been treated. Part of my pain is in realizing that it's not hard to not abuse a child. You just don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

Why, because she did the best she could? Because she made choices that she thought would make them happy? Because she's not GOD and actually didn't know PRECISELY what the child needed or wanted?

Gimme a break. You are ridiculous. OP did what she thought was best for her child. Plenty of mothers don't bother. Mine didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

Why, because she did the best she could? Because she made choices that she thought would make them happy? Because she's not GOD and actually didn't know PRECISELY what the child needed or wanted?

Gimme a break. You are ridiculous. OP did what she thought was best for her child. Plenty of mothers don't bother. Mine didn't.

Op stated that her son expressed that he wanted to attend a brick and mortar school and that he didn't want to go to church while he was still a child. Rather than listening to him and working out a solution where they could both be happy, she railroaded him, labelled him "difficult" and forced him to compky with *HER* will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

Why, because she did the best she could? Because she made choices that she thought would make them happy? Because she's not GOD and actually didn't know PRECISELY what the child needed or wanted?

Gimme a break. You are ridiculous. OP did what she thought was best for her child. Plenty of mothers don't bother. Mine didn't.

Op stated that her son expressed that he wanted to attend a brick and mortar school and that he didn't want to go to church while he was still a child. Rather than listening to him and working out a solution where they could both be happy, she railroaded him, labelled him "difficult" and forced him to compky with *HER* will.

Of course she did. She was the parent. He was the child. That was her job -- to do what she thought was right for him, not let him decide. Do you really think that's unusual? Or is it just because religion is involved? No kid WANTS to go to church! They also don't want to do a lot of other things we think are in their best interests. Of course they are "railroaded." That's called parenting.

[Anonymous]

This post is useless trolling from a right wing nut job who wants to discredit therapy. Therapy threatens these people because therapists will encourage children to be who they are - not who their crazy parents expect them to be. They view psychology as a threat as they don't want to accept having a gay or trans or a child who doesn't share their religious or political views.

Once your kids are adults, it's a whole new ballgame so drop the "respect your elders" crap. The only people who use that phrase are psychologically stunted control freaks who expect their children to live the lives that the parents want for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

Why, because she did the best she could? Because she made choices that she thought would make them happy? Because she's not GOD and actually didn't know PRECISELY what the child needed or wanted?

Gimme a break. You are ridiculous. OP did what she thought was best for her child. Plenty of mothers don't bother. Mine didn't.

Op stated that her son expressed that he wanted to attend a brick and mortar school and that he didn't want to go to church while he was still a child. Rather than listening to him and working out a solution where they could both be happy, she railroaded him, labelled him "difficult" and forced him to compky with *HER* will.

Of course she did. She was the parent. He was the child. That was her job -- to do what she thought was right for him, not let him decide. Do you really think that's unusual? Or is it just because religion is involved? No kid WANTS to go to church! They also don't want to do a lot of other things we think are in their best interests. Of course they are "railroaded." That's called parenting.

In some families it isn't just going to church, their entire life is about the religious beliefs. Homeschooling is part of this isolation from society. The Duggar family is an example of this and it is cultlike. I grew up in an evangelical home like this and it was extremely abusive physically and emotionally, not to mention weird sex concepts. Bill Gothard with his Institute of Basic Life Principles messed up many children and families. I was a difficult child according to my parents so I was beaten daily to break me like a horse. No one on the outside would have known what was going on, I managed to be a likable honor student. Maybe OP is a different religion but because of my life experience, this is what I picture their home was like, including the fighting.

OP and others approached by their adult children should care enough to apologize period, no ifs or buts. In my 20's I wrote a letter to my parents and then tried talking to them. I was told that I had always been unloveable and difficult. I was lectured from a stack of Christian books. After a couple hours, my dad half apologized if he overspanked and that was it. My mom only smirked at me and said "Well, we're all grownups now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

I am very sorry, but it certainly wasn't intentional to harm him.

This is the most facile, infuriating response I can think of. You didn't intend to harm him? SO what? If you intended to harm him, that's an entirely different conversation. The fact is that you did, or at least he believes you did. Your motivation has nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Question: are there really people out there who believe that well-intentioned parenting cannot cause significant harm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

Adult children probably owe their parents some apologies too. Kids cause parents some unfair PTSD, especially during the teenage years. Adult child could say sorry I was such a teen brat and for all the stress and extra expenses it caused you then parents could feel like their effort as a parent were acknowledged. But to say I was a perfect kid and you f'd me on purpose is bull.

I would agree 100% with that last line. It is not a refutation of comment.

I sense that some parents think they deserve points for not intentionally hurting their kids, caring for them even when the kid was very stressful, and doing better than their own abusive parents. No, these things don’t make you a good parent and they definitely don’t absolve you of responsibility for your mistakes. these things, particularly not intentionally hurting your child, are the bare minimum.

I'm sorry, but "the bare minimum" in parenting is enough. It's a lot. No one has to be a star parent to be loved or appreciated or thanked for the job they did. Same goes for kids. They don't have to be beautiful or straight A students or popular or good at sports -- they just have to be your kids. That's all. No one should have to jump through hoops in this parent-child relationship. Normal people love each other JUST BECAUSE. Just because their kids are their kids and their parents are their parents. The idea that people have to strive to be "the best" at everything is side stepping the issue, which is that parents love their children and children love their parents back. No one should have to be perfect to receive that love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

GTFO. You know next to nothing about how OP raised her kids, because she’s told you next to nothing except that she homeschooled them. We know something about you, though: you’re definitely a misogynist and possibly an anti-religion bigot.

I’m basing it on OP’s comments in this thread.

It’s clear from her comments that she has issues that were likely reflected in her parenting.

Go back and reread after you’re done with your tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30+ years old is past the age of blaming mommy for your mental problems (even though OP sounds like a peace of work)

Shit, I'm in my 40's going through this. My parents are dead and can't answer my questions, though. Therapy helped me realize they were emotionally immature, rather than hateful monsters, and some of their "parenting" was abusive and neglectful. They definitely loved me, but they never should've had children.

Yup, me too at 50. It was having teenagers that really pushed me to work through this stuff.

+1

Same.