We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The kids have struggled, so I'm not going to sugarcoat that. The youngest refused to talk about or even acknowledge the divorce (he just turned 8), and started exhibiting lots of anger at home and at school. The older one (he is 10) started having discipline problems in school. While my STBXH insisted that it was all in my head, I insisted on getting them in to counseling.

During one of the early sessions, the therapist had the younger one draw a picture of his family. He drew a rocky mountain (which she said is a child's way of depicting lots of instability) with me and himself standing at the top of the mountain holding hands, with rainbows and flowers and big smiles. Daddy was drawn in black at the bottom of the mountain, laying down with his eyes x'd out, dead. His brother was half-drawn as an afterthought. When the therapist showed it to my STBXH and I, you should have seen his face . . . he was like "I don't think it means anything." It is really hard to see the kids struggling with this, but they have to go through it. They really do.

NP here and I want to congratulate you OP for getting your kids to therapy.

I also want to comment on your son's picture. I'm married to a wonderful father, and we have framed up on our wall a picture our DD drew a few years ago. It's a huge hill, and DD is on the top, rocketing down on a scooter, big smile on her face, butterflies buzzing around her head. The hill gets progressively steeper. She's rocketing towards her father, who has his arms stretched out to catch her.

Your XH blew that. It makes me tear up to think what some parents throw away, and what kids have to go through as a result. Pearls before swine. I'm glad you are there for your kids, OP. My folks divorced but my mom was there for us and we came out ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As far as I know, they are still working together. They have adjacent offices, he's her direct supervisor. My soon to be ex MIL asked him if they are still together, and all he told her was that he still hopes they will end up together, but that the OW is working on her marriage. STBXH has alienated his whole family - neither of his siblings are talking to him, and his mother has made it clear that she loves him as her son, but that she disapproves of what he's doing, what he's done, and that she can never be more than just civil to the OW if she is in his life for the long term.

I ended up sending the OW's husband a message on FB. We aren't FB friends, so I don't know if he got it or not. I simply told him that the relationship between OW and my STBXH led to the dissolution of my marriage, and that if he had any questions I gave him information on how to contact me. Done. Never heard a word.

Doing that helped me sleep at night. Not out of revenge... I was feeling burdened with this secret that I never agreed to have. Like I was somehow complicit in their affair, and that I was no better than all the coworkers who probably knew what was going on and never said a word. I didn't do it lightly - this was after months of struggling with the issue and discussing it in therapy. It was the right decision for me, and I realize I don't care or need to know if he ever even read it - I'm not burdened with this destructive secret anymore.

As for the troll above - yes, I ruined the holidays. I didn't have much choice, though, did I? My STBX had already signed lease on a new place and scheduled movers without telling me. I suppose I could have not told the kids and let them be surprised when they came home from school to have daddy gone with no explanation.

That's just the thing that people don't get. I didn't get it myself until it happened to me. Sometimes you don't have any choice at all. He decided he was done and checked out of the marriage before we even started therapy.

Wow, you could have really messed up his life by reporting this to his agency. Kudos to you for not and keeping at least that stable income for him to support your kids.

Ignore the troll. You did what you had to do and your kids will be better for it in the end despite the loss of married parents. His lies would have caught up to them regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wanted to provide a 6 month update for those of you who followed my story earlier.

Things are actually going very, very well for me. Weekly therapy has helped me get through the worst of it, and now I'm down to going about once a month.

The kids have struggled, so I'm not going to sugarcoat that. The youngest refused to talk about or even acknowledge the divorce (he just turned 8), and started exhibiting lots of anger at home and at school. The older one (he is 10) started having discipline problems in school. While my STBXH insisted that it was all in my head, I insisted on getting them in to counseling.

During one of the early sessions, the therapist had the younger one draw a picture of his family. He drew a rocky mountain (which she said is a child's way of depicting lots of instability) with me and himself standing at the top of the mountain holding hands, with rainbows and flowers and big smiles. Daddy was drawn in black at the bottom of the mountain, laying down with his eyes x'd out, dead. His brother was half-drawn as an afterthought. When the therapist showed it to my STBXH and I, you should have seen his face . . . he was like "I don't think it means anything." It is really hard to see the kids struggling with this, but they have to go through it. They really do.

On the fear and anger side, things are better for me. I've learned I can do this on my own - I can cover the mortgage, pay all the bills, run the household, etc., and it's totally fine. In fact, doing all of this has made me feel so free and unburdened - it's like I'm flying! I can do this, I really can.

I don't cry very much anymore, but on occasion I'll be triggered by something like the song we played at our wedding, or on Facebook the "memory" feature that shows you things that you posted years ago on any given day.

The STBX isn't doing as well, shockingly. He's complaining of financial woes, how poor he is now that he's only on a single salary (we are both GS-15s, we make identical salaries, so no sympathy from me).

All in all, things are ok. I'm ok. The kids are going to be ok. It isn't the life I imagined, but it is what we have, and it is pretty darn amazing.

They may not be, but who cares as long as you're happy right? I mean you were totally cool with ruining the holidays for them so why act like you care now. Go You!

you are an asshole. pure evil. Just f*** off, seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. 17:11, you have no idea how hard it was to not report him. At one point I had the phone in my hand and had dialed his manager, and was ready to hit send. I was shaking. The only reason I didn't is because my sister, a lawyer, talked me off the edge with cold hard facts. If he lost his job, the kids would suffer, and there is a damn good chance I'd have to pay him spousal support, or at the very least child support.

I did get in our separation agreement that if he loses his job as a result of the affair he will waive spousal support.

There is fair.... he should lose his job and not get shit from me. But that hurts the kids, if daddy is unemployed, if daddy can't afford a safe place to live, or if daddy can't see them as much because of lack of money.

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I've done has been preceded by the question "what is best for the kids?"

It's a shit sandwich, but that's my penance for picking him as a spouse. My gift to my kids is letting them have as stable a life as possible and the best relationship they are able to have with their father.

[Anonymous]

OP here. As far as I know, they are still working together. They have adjacent offices, he's her direct supervisor. My soon to be ex MIL asked him if they are still together, and all he told her was that he still hopes they will end up together, but that the OW is working on her marriage. .........

Yeah, right. How hard can she be working on it when she's still working for him right in the next office......

[Anonymous]

OP, you are amazingly strong, thoughtful and focused on what is important. Thanks for the update!

[Anonymous]

OP just to add (I haven't read all 17 pages). That your DH sounds like a completely immature tool.

Statistically, he will have really severe regrets about this, when its far too late to change it and you'll have all moved on with your lives, I mean you and the kids.

So while he may be in denial now and all wrapped up in his "pure love" (please). That will pass and reality will hit him in the face like a ton of bricks.

Well done for being so organized and so dignified in this situation. I wish you and your children all the love in the world.

[Anonymous]

Love the story, but people do it without a husband ALL the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love the story, but people do it without a husband ALL the time.

This is different, this is a family coming apart and the fall out of that and its impact on the kids. Do go and find yourself a brain and then maybe some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love the story, but people do it without a husband ALL the time.

Of course. Which begs the question. Why get married in the first place ?

[Anonymous]

OP just want to say that you are awesome. You've done an amazing job and I think your kids will realize this more and more over time.

Your focus and resolve are amazing. I have a happy marriage but I am bookmarking this too. You've figured things out.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are so selfish and angry and your kids are not your priority. My friend went through the same thing, her husband left her for a 23 year old who she supervises. She kept it all together for the sake of her kid. She forgave her ex and his girlfriend and has great relationship with her. She is not a bitter angry mom. She put the interests of her kid above her own hurt. Her ex and my friend work together to provide everything for the kid. Stop with feeling angry, sorry for yourself and think about your kids.

[Anonymous]

Hhhmmh, 22:38, I think you're posting about a diiferent person than the OP. Lots of examples posted by this tough, thoughtful, courageous woman about choices she made to benefit her kids during this difficukt period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love the story, but people do it without a husband ALL the time.

Of course. Which begs the question. Why get married in the first place ?

Because some marriages are great. My life married to DH is so much more amazing than my single life. Nothing exciting, just siting on the couch watching tv, but the love and laughter make it 1000 times better than my previous life.

So that's the gamble people take. When it's great, it's the absolute best. When it's bad, it's really bad.

[Anonymous]

22:38: your friend's experience is all well and good but it's entirely possible that her ex was caring and took responsibility for his actions and helped her heal from the hurt her ex inflicted. Many men don't and it sounds like OP's STBXH is taking the low road and focusing on his own needs and wants above all else. That is not a recipe for forgiving an ex, nor befriending the OW.

I will say this, my ex did not cheat on me but he was arrogant, selfish and verbally abusive to me and our kids. Are you going to say I should forgive that and work together with my ex on parenting? Forgiveness happens when the transgressor takes responsibility for their actions. What if they don't? What if they are self-righteous, defensive, manipulative, dishonest, etc etc? Forgiveness is not always possible. "Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." (Tolstoy)