Spanking

[Anonymous]

I am a research psychologist and these studies are total garbage. In 99% of cases they are designed to prove that spanking is harmful and they focus on variables that are most likely to show that. Eve with all that, the effects are minor inconsistent and confounded - by genetics in almost all cases, and many other possibilities.

I don't spank but I was spanned as a child. Loved my parents, had a great relationship.

[Anonymous]

I know a lot of people were spanked as children and had no psychological damage, but I did. I don't remember it well, but apparently I was pretty traumatized after a spanking incident. I went from being a normal, happy, outgoing kindergartener to being completely shut down, and I never recovered. No friends, didn't talk to most people, just played on my own, and spent a lot of time zoned out/in my head. Ended up being a total weirdo for most of my life and to this day I haven't really had any close relationships (except my husband). My dad still cries about it 30 years later because he feels so awful about what it did to me.

I ended up working in applied behavior analysis for several years so I have a LOT of tools for dealing with childrens' (and adults'!) behavior without needing to use physical punishment. I've never even needing to consider spanking because I'm able to address the problem in other ways. I do highly encourage all parents to read up on applied behavior analysis since it is so effective and gives you multiple ways of addressing behavior problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people were spanked as children and had no psychological damage, but I did. I don't remember it well, but apparently I was pretty traumatized after a spanking incident. I went from being a normal, happy, outgoing kindergartener to being completely shut down, and I never recovered. No friends, didn't talk to most people, just played on my own, and spent a lot of time zoned out/in my head. Ended up being a total weirdo for most of my life and to this day I haven't really had any close relationships (except my husband). My dad still cries about it 30 years later because he feels so awful about what it did to me.

I ended up working in applied behavior analysis for several years so I have a LOT of tools for dealing with childrens' (and adults'!) behavior without needing to use physical punishment. I've never even needing to consider spanking because I'm able to address the problem in other ways. I do highly encourage all parents to read up on applied behavior analysis since it is so effective and gives you multiple ways of addressing behavior problems.

this is not normal. your problems didn't show up before the incident just like many special needs are discovered when children are in elementary school. doesn't mean that's when they got them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you do it?

I mean - do literally?

Do you put your child over your knee and hit them? Do you hit them where they are standing?

What are the logistics of spanking?

I was spanked as a child (once) and I never forgot it. I'm wondering if it works the same for all parents.

For us, we don't do it out of anger or in the moment, which I think could be confusing. So one of us will sit down with the child and briefly go over the behavior that has earned the spanking. Then put him or her over our knee and give three or four spanks on the bare tush.

There's crying, of course, but it's not an out of control angry event.

This description actually makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Me too. It is one thing for a parent to be at their wits end and give a kid a swat in the moment if they've really crossed the line...but this weird, ritualized routine in which the parent is totally calm is just so...gross.

Oh jesus, i'm sure your children are little pillars of virtue. Tell me, how long does it take to reason with your child instead of spanking them?. I'm sure your little conversations about how their behavior is inappropriate is both effective and impressionable. What's the attention span of a child again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do spankers make of all the average to well behaved children whose parents haven't/wouldn't spank? Given that it's obviously possible to raise children with fine behavior without resorting to spanking, what is the appeal of dpanking? Do you believe it works "faster"? Or do you not believe that there are lots of well behaved children whose parents would never spank?

I'm not looking for simply average-behaved kids, especially not by DCUM standards. Additionally, I want to do as little disciplining as possible, and spend the most time as possible in a non-disciplinary mode. I don't want to be enforcing timeouts, or spending my parenting energy managing various lost and restored privileges for each kid. No, I prefer simple, concrete, swift and effective discipline that is over and done with just as quickly. That's the advantage.

+1000

[Anonymous]

FYI, spanking is not discipline. It's punishment. Discipline teaches, punishment punishes and then scares. If that's what you want to do fine, but let's call it what it is. Lots of things "work" with kids but that doesn't mean they are effective in the long run. It would also be really quick and easy for me to give in to every single thing my 3 year old wants. We'd never have tantrums and he'd be happy as a clam. I'd also be raising a monster. No one likes disciplining their kid, but you are raising an adult, not a kid and you have to think about who you want that adult to be. Teaching children to think through their actions, to explain cause-and-effect and to think, will help them much more in the long run. Not to mention that children learn all about what to expect in relationships from their parents. I certainly wouldn't allow someone to hit me when they didn't like something I did so why should our children expect to be hit? Sure, there are lots of things kids can't do or expect, that adults can, but there is nothing about respect and the give and take of a relationship that differs, whether you are talking about an adult or a child.

As for the studies, yes they are mixed. Some of them are garbage (on both sides). And generally, if children are in a loving home where their needs are met they will probably be fine whether you spank or not. But there is absolutely no evidence that it works, in the long term, to teach kids anything about behavior, relationships, or consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do spankers make of all the average to well behaved children whose parents haven't/wouldn't spank? Given that it's obviously possible to raise children with fine behavior without resorting to spanking, what is the appeal of dpanking? Do you believe it works "faster"? Or do you not believe that there are lots of well behaved children whose parents would never spank?

I'm not looking for simply average-behaved kids, especially not by DCUM standards. Additionally, I want to do as little disciplining as possible, and spend the most time as possible in a non-disciplinary mode. I don't want to be enforcing timeouts, or spending my parenting energy managing various lost and restored privileges for each kid. No, I prefer simple, concrete, swift and effective discipline that is over and done with just as quickly. That's the advantage.

+1000

So ... what do you do if your 3 year old misbehaves in public?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do spankers make of all the average to well behaved children whose parents haven't/wouldn't spank? Given that it's obviously possible to raise children with fine behavior without resorting to spanking, what is the appeal of dpanking? Do you believe it works "faster"? Or do you not believe that there are lots of well behaved children whose parents would never spank?

I'm not looking for simply average-behaved kids, especially not by DCUM standards. Additionally, I want to do as little disciplining as possible, and spend the most time as possible in a non-disciplinary mode. I don't want to be enforcing timeouts, or spending my parenting energy managing various lost and restored privileges for each kid. No, I prefer simple, concrete, swift and effective discipline that is over and done with just as quickly. That's the advantage.

+1000

So ... what do you do if your 3 year old misbehaves in public?

np. The possibility of a spanking is usually enough, but in maybe one instance, we went to the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI, spanking is not discipline. It's punishment. Discipline teaches, punishment punishes and then scares. If that's what you want to do fine, but let's call it what it is. Lots of things "work" with kids but that doesn't mean they are effective in the long run. It would also be really quick and easy for me to give in to every single thing my 3 year old wants. We'd never have tantrums and he'd be happy as a clam. I'd also be raising a monster. No one likes disciplining their kid, but you are raising an adult, not a kid and you have to think about who you want that adult to be. Teaching children to think through their actions, to explain cause-and-effect and to think, will help them much more in the long run. Not to mention that children learn all about what to expect in relationships from their parents. I certainly wouldn't allow someone to hit me when they didn't like something I did so why should our children expect to be hit? Sure, there are lots of things kids can't do or expect, that adults can, but there is nothing about respect and the give and take of a relationship that differs, whether you are talking about an adult or a child.

As for the studies, yes they are mixed. Some of them are garbage (on both sides). And generally, if children are in a loving home where their needs are met they will probably be fine whether you spank or not. But there is absolutely no evidence that it works, in the long term, to teach kids anything about behavior, relationships, or consequences.

It definitely teaches about consequences. However, it's certainly not the ONLY thing you would ever do in terms of teaching and discipline, so saying that it works, but doesn't teach about "relationships" is more than a little disingenuous. It's a punishment to correct bad behavior in that moment. If it works in the short term, it works.

[Anonymous]

Never. Four kids, the oldest is 25. Never once

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do spankers make of all the average to well behaved children whose parents haven't/wouldn't spank? Given that it's obviously possible to raise children with fine behavior without resorting to spanking, what is the appeal of dpanking? Do you believe it works "faster"? Or do you not believe that there are lots of well behaved children whose parents would never spank?

I'm not looking for simply average-behaved kids, especially not by DCUM standards. Additionally, I want to do as little disciplining as possible, and spend the most time as possible in a non-disciplinary mode. I don't want to be enforcing timeouts, or spending my parenting energy managing various lost and restored privileges for each kid. No, I prefer simple, concrete, swift and effective discipline that is over and done with just as quickly. That's the advantage.

+1000

So ... what do you do if your 3 year old misbehaves in public?

np. The possibility of a spanking is usually enough, but in maybe one instance, we went to the car.

I didn't realize I felt so strongly about this until reading this thread. This makes me feel physically sick, as does the PP who said they calmly spank their child's bare bottom. This is a normalized form of child abuse. This is not parenting or disciplining. It's hitting and hurting the people you are here to protect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do spankers make of all the average to well behaved children whose parents haven't/wouldn't spank? Given that it's obviously possible to raise children with fine behavior without resorting to spanking, what is the appeal of dpanking? Do you believe it works "faster"? Or do you not believe that there are lots of well behaved children whose parents would never spank?

I'm not looking for simply average-behaved kids, especially not by DCUM standards. Additionally, I want to do as little disciplining as possible, and spend the most time as possible in a non-disciplinary mode. I don't want to be enforcing timeouts, or spending my parenting energy managing various lost and restored privileges for each kid. No, I prefer simple, concrete, swift and effective discipline that is over and done with just as quickly. That's the advantage.

+1000

So ... what do you do if your 3 year old misbehaves in public?

np. The possibility of a spanking is usually enough, but in maybe one instance, we went to the car.

I didn't realize I felt so strongly about this until reading this thread. This makes me feel physically sick, as does the PP who said they calmly spank their child's bare bottom. This is a normalized form of child abuse. This is not parenting or disciplining. It's hitting and hurting the people you are here to protect.

You're nuts. (Np)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do spankers make of all the average to well behaved children whose parents haven't/wouldn't spank? Given that it's obviously possible to raise children with fine behavior without resorting to spanking, what is the appeal of dpanking? Do you believe it works "faster"? Or do you not believe that there are lots of well behaved children whose parents would never spank?

I'm not looking for simply average-behaved kids, especially not by DCUM standards. Additionally, I want to do as little disciplining as possible, and spend the most time as possible in a non-disciplinary mode. I don't want to be enforcing timeouts, or spending my parenting energy managing various lost and restored privileges for each kid. No, I prefer simple, concrete, swift and effective discipline that is over and done with just as quickly. That's the advantage.

+1000

So ... what do you do if your 3 year old misbehaves in public?

np. The possibility of a spanking is usually enough, but in maybe one instance, we went to the car.

I didn't realize I felt so strongly about this until reading this thread. This makes me feel physically sick, as does the PP who said they calmly spank their child's bare bottom. This is a normalized form of child abuse. This is not parenting or disciplining. It's hitting and hurting the people you are here to protect.

+100000 Yes, yes, yes. We would never think it was OK to hit a coworker or a person on the street or a sales person for being rude to you, but somehow, it is OK to hit a child - a person smaller, without defenses, who is completely vulnerable and dependent to you, the parent? Absolutely not. Violence is violence is violence, and spanking a child is just that - a somehow socially acceptable method of teaching children right from wrong. It is totally and completely unacceptable and should most certainly be disallowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do spankers make of all the average to well behaved children whose parents haven't/wouldn't spank? Given that it's obviously possible to raise children with fine behavior without resorting to spanking, what is the appeal of dpanking? Do you believe it works "faster"? Or do you not believe that there are lots of well behaved children whose parents would never spank?

I'm not looking for simply average-behaved kids, especially not by DCUM standards. Additionally, I want to do as little disciplining as possible, and spend the most time as possible in a non-disciplinary mode. I don't want to be enforcing timeouts, or spending my parenting energy managing various lost and restored privileges for each kid. No, I prefer simple, concrete, swift and effective discipline that is over and done with just as quickly. That's the advantage.

+1000

So ... what do you do if your 3 year old misbehaves in public?

np. The possibility of a spanking is usually enough, but in maybe one instance, we went to the car.

I didn't realize I felt so strongly about this until reading this thread. This makes me feel physically sick, as does the PP who said they calmly spank their child's bare bottom. This is a normalized form of child abuse. This is not parenting or disciplining. It's hitting and hurting the people you are here to protect.

+100000 Yes, yes, yes. We would never think it was OK to hit a coworker or a person on the street or a sales person for being rude to you, but somehow, it is OK to hit a child - a person smaller, without defenses, who is completely vulnerable and dependent to you, the parent? Absolutely not. Violence is violence is violence, and spanking a child is just that - a somehow socially acceptable method of teaching children right from wrong. It is totally and completely unacceptable and should most certainly be disallowed.

but it would be ok to send them to a time-out? how many time does need to be pointed out that these analogies make no sense whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FYI, spanking is not discipline. It's punishment. Discipline teaches, punishment punishes and then scares. If that's what you want to do fine, but let's call it what it is. Lots of things "work" with kids but that doesn't mean they are effective in the long run. It would also be really quick and easy for me to give in to every single thing my 3 year old wants. We'd never have tantrums and he'd be happy as a clam. I'd also be raising a monster. No one likes disciplining their kid, but you are raising an adult, not a kid and you have to think about who you want that adult to be. Teaching children to think through their actions, to explain cause-and-effect and to think, will help them much more in the long run. Not to mention that children learn all about what to expect in relationships from their parents. I certainly wouldn't allow someone to hit me when they didn't like something I did so why should our children expect to be hit? Sure, there are lots of things kids can't do or expect, that adults can, but there is nothing about respect and the give and take of a relationship that differs, whether you are talking about an adult or a child.

As for the studies, yes they are mixed. Some of them are garbage (on both sides). And generally, if children are in a loving home where their needs are met they will probably be fine whether you spank or not. But there is absolutely no evidence that it works, in the long term, to teach kids anything about behavior, relationships, or consequences.

It definitely teaches about consequences. However, it's certainly not the ONLY thing you would ever do in terms of teaching and discipline, so saying that it works, but doesn't teach about "relationships" is more than a little disingenuous. It's a punishment to correct bad behavior in that moment. If it works in the short term, it works.

"If it works in the short term, it works." Nope. Not even close to true for many things in life, especially raising a child - in which, short term fixes rarely work for anything long term. Every single minute of a child's development is the way in which they learn about the world. Short cuts happen because they have to for parents to be sane and functional. But just because something appears to "work" in the short term, says nothing about how it works over the long term. Spanking "works" in the short term for PARENTS. It never "works" for kids.

Also, even if you don't buy into the "spanking does harm" literature...what's the defense for it? What's the argument against teaching your children about respect, kindness, gentleness, and appropriate boundaries? My son knows it is never okay to hurt someone - himself, other people, animals. There are no exceptions to this rule. I teach him that because I believe it's just as true for adults as for kids. Inflicting physical pain or threat is never the way I want anyone in my life to act, much less a lesson I want my son to learn.