Spanking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

quote]
because that wasn't spanking. That was abuse. I was abused, too, slapped in the face, pulled up by my hair. I can tell the difference between abuse and a swat on the rump. Using a switch/belt is against the law. Using an open hand on the bottom is not.

No, I don't think they crossed the line into abuse, but there were a couple of incidents that were close. They simply believed that using a belt was the way to spank (grandparents believed in the 'get a switch from the tree' approach). They could have hurt me just as much with their hands. Never left physical marks, and they believed slapping, pulling hair, using paddles or electric cords would be going too far, so in their mind there were limits. But I'm not going to waste any more keystrokes on this because, like I said, it's like a Christian debating the existence of god with an atheist. ..

Using a belt is considered abuse. Doesn't matter if it didn't leave a mark. That's what the law states.

\

That's not the law in the state where my parents live. It's more subjective than that. I seriously doubt that any judge in that time period would have decided that their actions were abusive.

I'm saying this is the law now. No one is saying it's ok to use a belt.

Chasing and swinging a belt is not spanking-it's abuse,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

So if you don't advocate authoritarian parenting, what do you advocate? Is there a democratic process in place in your household for discipline?

Have you even done the minimal research into parenting? An *authoritative* parenting style produces the most well-adjusted kids. That is, you set firm limits, but not through the use of coercive discipline. It takes more work than just yelling and spanking.

SHEESH, I mistyped. I meant authoritarian. Unclench.

Actually, I did not mistype. I said and meant Authoritarian. Authoritative is different. Google before you insult people.

I can't tell if you understand what I am saying. Research divides parenting styles into three categories: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Authoritative (setting firm boundaries with calmness and nonviolence) is considered the best. You seem to believe the only option other than authoritarian (spanking, "discipline") is permissive. But the better option is authoritative -- which does not require spanking. You can effectively set limits without spanking -- that is called authoritative.

this is just one of many theories with mixed support. stop overselling research and read a little about replication crisis in psychology.

[Anonymous]

I was spanked, and I don't support it. When I say I was spanked, it happened maybe once a month for some infraction or other? And it was always controlled on my parents part - I don't think it ever truly hurt me - never a bruise. Also, my parents would give me a "talking" and "explaining" and that was the worst b/c during that time, it was like they were threatening and holding the spanking over my head. It was much easier if they just got the corporeal punishment over with - talk afterwards if you must.

Anyway, i think spanking is awful from the kids perspective. And I turned out well in terms of education and achievement, but I think I tend to give in too easily to aggressive people or feel too much guilt and shame. Like I said, I don't support spanking. There are other ways to have a well behaved child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people were spanked as children and had no psychological damage, but I did. I don't remember it well, but apparently I was pretty traumatized after a spanking incident. I went from being a normal, happy, outgoing kindergartener to being completely shut down, and I never recovered. No friends, didn't talk to most people, just played on my own, and spent a lot of time zoned out/in my head. Ended up being a total weirdo for most of my life and to this day I haven't really had any close relationships (except my husband). My dad still cries about it 30 years later because he feels so awful about what it did to me.

I ended up working in applied behavior analysis for several years so I have a LOT of tools for dealing with childrens' (and adults'!) behavior without needing to use physical punishment. I've never even needing to consider spanking because I'm able to address the problem in other ways. I do highly encourage all parents to read up on applied behavior analysis since it is so effective and gives you multiple ways of addressing behavior problems.

Sounds like me, and I was spanked.

But also my son, who is not.

I do agree there are so many other ways to modify behavior that are not physical or even punitive. Rather I keep looking at the bigger picture and that Rome wasn't built in a day. That takes the pressure off the immediate moment to "fix" whatever behavior needs to be addressed. So far, so good.