Spanking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

So if you don't advocate authoritarian parenting, what do you advocate? Is there a democratic process in place in your household for discipline?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. But I know some parents who do.

I've never needed to spank my 9 yr old. Not that I'm completely against it, but it would be a response to a serious incident, such as harming another child. I would never spank as a result of myself being frustrated, or losing my temper. Now, I've yelled, but again, I work on only raising my voice if it's a serious matter. Hitting a child is a serious action.

For us, taking something away and following through has worked effectively with behavior.

I was spanked as a child, pinched, had my hair pulled, and it was humiliating. I vowed I'd never treat my child the same way I was treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

quote]
because that wasn't spanking. That was abuse. I was abused, too, slapped in the face, pulled up by my hair. I can tell the difference between abuse and a swat on the rump. Using a switch/belt is against the law. Using an open hand on the bottom is not.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous poster. I was slapped in the face, had my hair pulled, shoved - it was abuse. I would only use spanking for a serious offense, such a harming another person. It was acceptable when I was growing up to use physical forms of punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

quote]
because that wasn't spanking. That was abuse. I was abused, too, slapped in the face, pulled up by my hair. I can tell the difference between abuse and a swat on the rump. Using a switch/belt is against the law. Using an open hand on the bottom is not.

No, I don't think they crossed the line into abuse, but there were a couple of incidents that were close. They simply believed that using a belt was the way to spank (grandparents believed in the 'get a switch from the tree' approach). They could have hurt me just as much with their hands. Never left physical marks, and they believed slapping, pulling hair, using paddles or electric cords would be going too far, so in their mind there were limits. But I'm not going to waste any more keystrokes on this because, like I said, it's like a Christian debating the existence of god with an atheist. ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a lot of people were spanked as children and had no psychological damage, but I did. I don't remember it well, but apparently I was pretty traumatized after a spanking incident. I went from being a normal, happy, outgoing kindergartener to being completely shut down, and I never recovered. No friends, didn't talk to most people, just played on my own, and spent a lot of time zoned out/in my head. Ended up being a total weirdo for most of my life and to this day I haven't really had any close relationships (except my husband). My dad still cries about it 30 years later because he feels so awful about what it did to me.

I ended up working in applied behavior analysis for several years so I have a LOT of tools for dealing with childrens' (and adults'!) behavior without needing to use physical punishment. I've never even needing to consider spanking because I'm able to address the problem in other ways. I do highly encourage all parents to read up on applied behavior analysis since it is so effective and gives you multiple ways of addressing behavior problems.

this is not normal. your problems didn't show up before the incident just like many special needs are discovered when children are in elementary school. doesn't mean that's when they got them.

Pretty sure that's where my problems came from, since my changes happened overnight and immediately afterwards. Maybe it's not a normal reaction to spanking, but I'm not going to risk it with my children. We do really well without it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

quote]
because that wasn't spanking. That was abuse. I was abused, too, slapped in the face, pulled up by my hair. I can tell the difference between abuse and a swat on the rump. Using a switch/belt is against the law. Using an open hand on the bottom is not.

No, I don't think they crossed the line into abuse, but there were a couple of incidents that were close. They simply believed that using a belt was the way to spank (grandparents believed in the 'get a switch from the tree' approach). They could have hurt me just as much with their hands. Never left physical marks, and they believed slapping, pulling hair, using paddles or electric cords would be going too far, so in their mind there were limits. But I'm not going to waste any more keystrokes on this because, like I said, it's like a Christian debating the existence of god with an atheist. ..

Using a belt is considered abuse. Doesn't matter if it didn't leave a mark. That's what the law states.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

So if you don't advocate authoritarian parenting, what do you advocate? Is there a democratic process in place in your household for discipline?

Have you even done the minimal research into parenting? An *authoritative* parenting style produces the most well-adjusted kids. That is, you set firm limits, but not through the use of coercive discipline. It takes more work than just yelling and spanking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

quote]
because that wasn't spanking. That was abuse. I was abused, too, slapped in the face, pulled up by my hair. I can tell the difference between abuse and a swat on the rump. Using a switch/belt is against the law. Using an open hand on the bottom is not.

No, I don't think they crossed the line into abuse, but there were a couple of incidents that were close. They simply believed that using a belt was the way to spank (grandparents believed in the 'get a switch from the tree' approach). They could have hurt me just as much with their hands. Never left physical marks, and they believed slapping, pulling hair, using paddles or electric cords would be going too far, so in their mind there were limits. But I'm not going to waste any more keystrokes on this because, like I said, it's like a Christian debating the existence of god with an atheist. ..

Using a belt is considered abuse. Doesn't matter if it didn't leave a mark. That's what the law states.

\

That's not the law in the state where my parents live. It's more subjective than that. I seriously doubt that any judge in that time period would have decided that their actions were abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

So if you don't advocate authoritarian parenting, what do you advocate? Is there a democratic process in place in your household for discipline?

Have you even done the minimal research into parenting? An *authoritative* parenting style produces the most well-adjusted kids. That is, you set firm limits, but not through the use of coercive discipline. It takes more work than just yelling and spanking.

SHEESH, I mistyped. I meant authoritarian. Unclench.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

So if you don't advocate authoritarian parenting, what do you advocate? Is there a democratic process in place in your household for discipline?

Have you even done the minimal research into parenting? An *authoritative* parenting style produces the most well-adjusted kids. That is, you set firm limits, but not through the use of coercive discipline. It takes more work than just yelling and spanking.

SHEESH, I mistyped. I meant authoritarian. Unclench.

Actually, I did not mistype. I said and meant Authoritarian. Authoritative is different. Google before you insult people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

quote]
because that wasn't spanking. That was abuse. I was abused, too, slapped in the face, pulled up by my hair. I can tell the difference between abuse and a swat on the rump. Using a switch/belt is against the law. Using an open hand on the bottom is not.

No, I don't think they crossed the line into abuse, but there were a couple of incidents that were close. They simply believed that using a belt was the way to spank (grandparents believed in the 'get a switch from the tree' approach). They could have hurt me just as much with their hands. Never left physical marks, and they believed slapping, pulling hair, using paddles or electric cords would be going too far, so in their mind there were limits. But I'm not going to waste any more keystrokes on this because, like I said, it's like a Christian debating the existence of god with an atheist. ..

Using a belt is considered abuse. Doesn't matter if it didn't leave a mark. That's what the law states.

\

That's not the law in the state where my parents live. It's more subjective than that. I seriously doubt that any judge in that time period would have decided that their actions were abusive.

I'm saying this is the law now. No one is saying it's ok to use a belt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never spanked my three, now teenaged, children, and none of them has ever caused my husband and I any disciplinary problems at home or school. My Southern, rural, high-school educated parents, never spanked me, or any or my siblings. We were well-haved children. My parents have told me as an adult that they made a conscious decision not to spank us since they harbored hard feelings for what they still believed to have been unfair and unwarranted spankings they suffered from their own parents. In particular, they felt their parent soften spanked them out of frustration, anger, or for things they didn't actually do.

I have decided never to spank my child -- now 3 -- for reasons similar to this PP's parents' experience, and bolstered by the research I've read about spanking. My parents believed that spanking, or threats of spanking, were the appropriate response to ANY infraction. If they told me to do something, and I didn't immediately respond, they would threaten to 'get the belt.' If I was too sassy as an older child, they spanked me. I have distinct memories of my mom screaming and chasing me while swinging the belt when I was a tween, over something I did wrong at school. I was afraid of them, and I don't want my daughter to fear me. They think there should be that type of fear dynamic in the parent-child relationship, because they believe in authoritarian style parenting. They think that my 3 year old is destined for juvenile delinquency because we don't spank. I vehemently disagree. But I don't waste my breath arguing with them about it, because this isn't a disagreement that can be resolved by logic and reasoning. It's almost like debating religion.

So if you don't advocate authoritarian parenting, what do you advocate? Is there a democratic process in place in your household for discipline?

Have you even done the minimal research into parenting? An *authoritative* parenting style produces the most well-adjusted kids. That is, you set firm limits, but not through the use of coercive discipline. It takes more work than just yelling and spanking.

SHEESH, I mistyped. I meant authoritarian. Unclench.

Actually, I did not mistype. I said and meant Authoritarian. Authoritative is different. Google before you insult people.

I can't tell if you understand what I am saying. Research divides parenting styles into three categories: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Authoritative (setting firm boundaries with calmness and nonviolence) is considered the best. You seem to believe the only option other than authoritarian (spanking, "discipline") is permissive. But the better option is authoritative -- which does not require spanking. You can effectively set limits without spanking -- that is called authoritative.

[Anonymous]

Authoritative parenting, which is our style, does not preclude the judicious use of spanking.