I was an AP and now I'm a wife, AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:39, the difference between me and the first wife is she never did any of those things. He had no intention of marrying her and was going to break up with her until she said she was pregnant. He thought marrying her was the right thing to do, but he realized he made a mistake when nothing changed between them.

So then he should have gotten a divorce and THEN looked for another relationship.

He was not forced to lie to her and pursue a relationship with you while still married.

Maybe he didn't go about it the right way, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:39, the difference between me and the first wife is she never did any of those things. He had no intention of marrying her and was going to break up with her until she said she was pregnant. He thought marrying her was the right thing to do, but he realized he made a mistake when nothing changed between them.

So then he should have gotten a divorce and THEN looked for another relationship.

He was not forced to lie to her and pursue a relationship with you while still married.

Maybe he didn't go about it the right way, but it is what it is.

Yup, but if you continue to make excuses for that kind of behavior, you are legitimizing it. Have you guys talked about the mistakes he has made in the past and how you will handle difficult times in the future?

[Anonymous]

Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

I think pretty much every married couple feels that way in the beginning. But, sometimes, push comes to shove, and communication can break down.

I'm just saying, don't look at this marriage through rose colored glasses or be so naive. My DH and I know that however slim a chance, one of us could cheat one day. Obviously, we hope this never happens, but I am not naive enough to think that divorce could never happen to us. Right now, I'd be shocked if it did, but never say never, as they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

Okay. So you think that in his first marriage, he just did not talk about any of the things that he now cites as reasons that he should not have gotten married / that made it okay for him to cheat / that they are divorced? Because I guarantee you, they talked about it and probably came up with some ways to work through it. Then when she didn't do her part (or didn't do her part as much or as well as he wanted to be "satisfied"), instead of talking about it - even to say, "This isn't working, I think we should separate" - he pursued you.

It is easy to say "I wouldn't stop doing X or Y" and "We will talk to each other first" but it's what happens when you are confronted with those situations for real. How long without a blowjob is too long for your H? When you're pregnant and nauseous for 3-4 months such that putting a toothbrush in your mouth makes you gag, will he cheat then? When you're sleep deprived with a newborn and you can barely manage to shower every day, much less do the cleaning and the cooking, will he cheat then?

Note: I just described two scenarios that happened to me in my first marriage. No one cheated, but no one established the base line of "If I don't do X then it is my fault if you cheat."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

Okay. So you think that in his first marriage, he just did not talk about any of the things that he now cites as reasons that he should not have gotten married / that made it okay for him to cheat / that they are divorced? Because I guarantee you, they talked about it and probably came up with some ways to work through it. Then when she didn't do her part (or didn't do her part as much or as well as he wanted to be "satisfied"), instead of talking about it - even to say, "This isn't working, I think we should separate" - he pursued you.

It is easy to say "I wouldn't stop doing X or Y" and "We will talk to each other first" but it's what happens when you are confronted with those situations for real. How long without a blowjob is too long for your H? When you're pregnant and nauseous for 3-4 months such that putting a toothbrush in your mouth makes you gag, will he cheat then? When you're sleep deprived with a newborn and you can barely manage to shower every day, much less do the cleaning and the cooking, will he cheat then?

Note: I just described two scenarios that happened to me in my first marriage. No one cheated, but no one established the base line of "If I don't do X then it is my fault if you cheat."

No, he told me when tried to talk to her about why he was unhappy she would argue and break things. She's not the easiest person to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

I think pretty much every married couple feels that way in the beginning. But, sometimes, push comes to shove, and communication can break down.

I'm just saying, don't look at this marriage through rose colored glasses or be so naive. My DH and I know that however slim a chance, one of us could cheat one day. Obviously, we hope this never happens, but I am not naive enough to think that divorce could never happen to us. Right now, I'd be shocked if it did, but never say never, as they say.

I'm not trying to be naive, I just truly think things are different. Yeah I know divorce is possible in any marriage. What's wrong with being positive and working to make and my marriage strong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

I think pretty much every married couple feels that way in the beginning. But, sometimes, push comes to shove, and communication can break down.

I'm just saying, don't look at this marriage through rose colored glasses or be so naive. My DH and I know that however slim a chance, one of us could cheat one day. Obviously, we hope this never happens, but I am not naive enough to think that divorce could never happen to us. Right now, I'd be shocked if it did, but never say never, as they say.

I'm not trying to be naive, I just truly think things are different. Yeah I know divorce is possible in any marriage. What's wrong with being positive and working to make and my marriage strong?

Nothing is wrong with it, but your attitude comes across as "it won't happen to me". And it really doesn't help that you created this AMA. Really, what was the purpose of this AMA if not to flaunt it, or think you're somehow better than other wives whose husbands have cheated on them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

I think pretty much every married couple feels that way in the beginning. But, sometimes, push comes to shove, and communication can break down.

I'm just saying, don't look at this marriage through rose colored glasses or be so naive. My DH and I know that however slim a chance, one of us could cheat one day. Obviously, we hope this never happens, but I am not naive enough to think that divorce could never happen to us. Right now, I'd be shocked if it did, but never say never, as they say.

I'm not trying to be naive, I just truly think things are different. Yeah I know divorce is possible in any marriage. What's wrong with being positive and working to make and my marriage strong?

Nothing is wrong with it, but your attitude comes across as "it won't happen to me". And it really doesn't help that you created this AMA. Really, what was the purpose of this AMA if not to flaunt it, or think you're somehow better than other wives whose husbands have cheated on them?

It almost seemed like she was implying the thread would serve as a how-to for other APs to win the prize and become wives. She has so much to teach the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

I think pretty much every married couple feels that way in the beginning. But, sometimes, push comes to shove, and communication can break down.

I'm just saying, don't look at this marriage through rose colored glasses or be so naive. My DH and I know that however slim a chance, one of us could cheat one day. Obviously, we hope this never happens, but I am not naive enough to think that divorce could never happen to us. Right now, I'd be shocked if it did, but never say never, as they say.

I'm not trying to be naive, I just truly think things are different. Yeah I know divorce is possible in any marriage. What's wrong with being positive and working to make and my marriage strong?

Nothing is wrong with it, but your attitude comes across as "it won't happen to me". And it really doesn't help that you created this AMA. Really, what was the purpose of this AMA if not to flaunt it, or think you're somehow better than other wives whose husbands have cheated on them?

+1.

OP, you haven't offered us any insight that would justify a thoughtful AMA. You were the AP. How is your relationship with your H different now that you are a wife? Do you feel differently about APs now that you are married? How would you feel if your husband cheated on you the way he did with you? What have you learned about relationships based on this experience?

Consider things that you yourself have experienced - not things that your husband has told you that someone else said or did or thought. You are never going to know who his ex actually is because you will always only think of her as his ex and she will only ever think of you as the woman who destroyed her marriage. Maybe it was as terrible a marriage as your H says, maybe not, but it was hers and you and your H ruined it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my inlaws was cheated on after 25 years of marriage. The woman stalked him after her divorce because she was broke. This had been her MO before. We found it out later after researching her. She wanted him, and the house. Horrible woman, he left her and they ended up buying their own house. He was angry because she got the home, half his 401k.

During the ugly divorce he tried to cancel her health insurance. The judge came down hard on him for that. Oddly enough, 7 years later the bimbo died because she didn't get her illness diagnosed much earlier because she didn't have health insurance.

Yes it often comes back around.

[b]

Him... Her... Which her??? What? which her in this situation are you talking about?? I can't keep track. You are terrible at writing.

[Anonymous]

Whey does your father think of you, OP? Guessing you don't have one or are a child of divorce. I ask this because I grew up without a Dad, but my mom worked really hard to make sure I didn't end up on the pole or become someone like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

I think pretty much every married couple feels that way in the beginning. But, sometimes, push comes to shove, and communication can break down.

I'm just saying, don't look at this marriage through rose colored glasses or be so naive. My DH and I know that however slim a chance, one of us could cheat one day. Obviously, we hope this never happens, but I am not naive enough to think that divorce could never happen to us. Right now, I'd be shocked if it did, but never say never, as they say.

I'm not trying to be naive, I just truly think things are different. Yeah I know divorce is possible in any marriage. What's wrong with being positive and working to make and my marriage strong?

Nothing is wrong with it, but your attitude comes across as "it won't happen to me". And it really doesn't help that you created this AMA. Really, what was the purpose of this AMA if not to flaunt it, or think you're somehow better than other wives whose husbands have cheated on them?

To brag that she's the OW who "won"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:39, the difference between me and the first wife is she never did any of those things. He had no intention of marrying her and was going to break up with her until she said she was pregnant. He thought marrying her was the right thing to do, but he realized he made a mistake when nothing changed between them.

And in 7 years time, he'll realize he made a a mistake with you, and he'll tel his 20 something girlfriend all the reasons you were never right for him, and how you took advantage of him when he was having a hard time with his first wife.

[Anonymous]

My 40 year old ex-loser cheated on me with a 24 year old. When she turned 27 her cheated on her with a 21 year old. Haha good luck, OP!!