I was an AP and now I'm a wife, AMA

[Anonymous]

Will you divorce him if/when he cheats on you?

[Anonymous]

SIL was the AP
They stayed together for 22 years.
He cheated all the time.
Second set of kids left for college he left with latest AP. They have been together 7 years, he's cheating and he hasn't married her. Moved her in, but this time he claims no marriage. SIL had a great lawyer. LOL.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s unique for each situation. As a kid, three of my friends had parents that divorced over cheating.

One friend had parents that were previously married and started their affair while both married to others. They married and had my friend. I traveled with them and the parents had a great marriage. Together 25 years before dad died of cancer. Dad had a strained relationship with kids from first marriage.

Second friend dad cheated on mom while married. He divorced mom and married AP. Dad and new wife had more kids together. My friend didn’t like the step mom and siblings from the first marriage always resented that step mom broke up parents marriage. They have been happily married for 30+ years now.

Third friend found out mom was cheating on dad when friend’s boyfriend saw mom dating the dad of a player from his sports team. Friend was devastated. Mom and dad divorced. Dad is happily remarried. Mom dated AP, but it didn’t work out. Friend’s brother tragically died of an overdose 3 years ago.

While most people don’t leave their spouse for an AP, I think a fair amount of people who leave their spouse for their AP end up marrying them. Of course, this has a lasting effect on kids from the first marriage.

I have a current friend who was in a crappy marriage and was on the cusp of leaving. She met a man and started seeing him. This new relationship gave her the momentum to leave the marriage. Our friend group had watched her struggle for many years. We were so excited for her to finally leave her xH that no one cared she was still married. Her AP was in a bad marriage as well and left his wife for our friend.

They are married now and appear happy. Both say they are grateful to have each other as they know how terrible it is to be in a bad marriage. FWIW, no one cares that they met through an affair. Our families are friends and we vacation with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:39, the difference between me and the first wife is she never did any of those things. He had no intention of marrying her and was going to break up with her until she said she was pregnant. He thought marrying her was the right thing to do, but he realized he made a mistake when nothing changed between them.

Then your husband has major character and maturity issues for conceiving a child with someone he already planned to leave. BTW please note he has two jobs—a main one and a side one—this is not accidental or unrelated. Guy like this can’t put his head and heart in the same place and you will have a lot to deal with down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any bets on how soon he/she will cheat on you?

He won't cheat on me. He was very unhappy with his first wife and very happy with me.

I love magical thinking!

There’s this great passage in “Gone Girl” where Nick and his sister are talking about Nick cheating on his wife, Amy, with a girl named Andi. The sister tells her brother, “You know that if you and Andi were together, and she was the wife, she’d lose her adoration of you? She’d do things that started to annoy you? She’d be the wife, and you’d start to resent her.” And it’s so true.

Like, congratulations, you won a real prize: a man who cheats on his wife. When he said his vows to you, did he say, “This time, for real; no really, THIS time, I mean it for sure?”

Hahahahahaha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny how folks with most "honor and integrity" get cheated on most often, or better yet, cheat themselves. Is this some kind of reverse karma to teach them not to judge?

You know, I’ve never though of it before, but this is actually true. I think it’s because people cannot imagine others doing what they themselves would not do, and become blind to the obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we have. We said if either one of us are unhappy in the marriage we'll talk to each other first and figure out how to work through it.

My husband told me when we first got married that you always stay married. Even if somehow you love another person more than your spouse, you value marriage and you stay in marriage and work on it no matter what. We were very much in love and communicated well. He moved out 2 months ago and is living with his affair partner now. What I think is so remarkable is the way that he lies to her. And she thinks that he always tells the truth. Because for a while he broke up with her and we talked about a lot of things. Trust me, she does not know all of the things we talked about. She wouldn't be with him. They're both living in denial, and so are you and your husband.

This is so interesting and I wish you would start your own thread so I can talk to you. I’m not OP. Why do you think they are still together given everything he told you and if it is not too private, what we’re those conversations about that gave you such equanimity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I don't think that poster was saying that being a murderer is the same thing as being an adulterer. Just that your actions may define who you are as a person, which is pretty reasonable.

And the poster they were responding to was saying that sometimes people make bad decisions that doesn't make them a bad person, but if everyone who made a bad decision was cut from our lives, who would we have?

Right, but the PP didn't equate murder with infidelity, that's all.

Just so you know, for those playing the home game, adulterous is up there with murder among unforgivable sins.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, I read through some of this old thread and the drama that is reported is off the charts. Bottom line is that people who cheat or align themselves with cheaters (whether or not they believe the cheater will in turn cheat on them) want and need drama in their lives. Regular people would be aghast to report that their father ran off with their aunt, or mother had an affair with a step brother-in-law or whatever. If you want and need drama in your life, then, by all means, the cheater sandbox is for you. I personally wouldn’t be able to tolerate that sh*t show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you embarrassed that your relationship started as an affair? What did your friends and family think? were children involved?

Not at all, you can't help who you fall in love with. They didn't like it at first, but they see how happy we are together. He has one kid with his ex. We're TTC now.

Yeah, that's what they say to your face because people are afraid of conflict and it would be too awkward to share with you what they tell to each other. I have a few cheaters who are friends and family, I'm pleasant to them because it's not my job to be the morality police, but my respect for them has dropped immensely.

+1. A good friend cheated on her husband, who is also my good friend. I have zero respect for the cheater friend, although she thinks we are besties. I remain friends with her because her child is like another daughter to me, and I don’t want to create co-parenting drama between her and my non-cheating friend.

The cheating really says a lot about her character, none of it good and all of the negative character traits are visible in other areas of her life.

[Anonymous]

I'm older than a lot on here, and honestly don't know anyone in OP's situation who isn't an ex now.

[Anonymous]

You are *perfect* for each other!

[Anonymous]

I know a guy. Got married young, had a child, got divorced. Matured a bit and married his second wife—they had a child too. I met them at this stage and was good friends with the wife. Before marriage they talked about how they would never consider divorce an option. The second wife was beautiful, loving, accomplished; a truly fine person.

Well, he connects as “old friends” with his high school sweetheart. Starts an affair with her. Divorces second wife and marries third wife. Supposedly happy for 5 years and then she is dx and later dies of cancer. He’s now alone with a rocky relationship with his 2 kids from both marriages, and super miserly about his money (hated paying child support and sharing his retirement funds in the divorces). Not quite the happily ever after he envisioned plus he left a wake of hurt behind that will forever scar those who loved him (both kids and ex-wives). Seems a fitting end. He could have had a really happy life if he had stayed committed in the second marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any questions, because I already know everything I need to know about your character.

That's true. And she may be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whey does your father think of you, OP? Guessing you don't have one or are a child of divorce. I ask this because I grew up without a Dad, but my mom worked really hard to make sure I didn't end up on the pole or become someone like you.

We're not on speaking terms. My dad is racist and had disrespected my husband in the worst way.

Ok I think it’s becoming more clear with every post. You have daddy issues. You have self esteem issues be wise you are overweight and not in a good way and you are less than pleasing to the eye. A Plain Jane if you will. You were mid to late twenties when you met this man if you weren’t some combination of the above you would have set your sights higher.

This guy comes along with a story as old as time. My wife is dirty, doesn’t like sex, I only married her because she was a one night stand who got pregnant, and won’t cook. I like submissive women a woman who eat sh&t for me and serve me a porterhouse on her knees.

All of this while you were dating. It doesn’t click that all of these things would be a red flag by themselves if you were dating a single guy but from a married guy... whoa he’s looking for his next sucker fish and was seeing if you would bite. You know someone with no self respect, average to below average looks, which limits your options not very smart and zero Judgement who Won’t break as quickly as his first wife did be used you have a chip on your shoulder and something to prove to daddy. “You’re not the boss of me daddy”

So you jump on it because “somebody wuvs me so much he’s willing to leave his wife and kids for me.”

Ack keep writing I will have more insights for for you. I find the dynamics of highly dysfunctional people to be fascinating. The paths may be different but the roots lead to a common inescapable trajectory. Two broken people with a common itch to scratch finding each other and building a bond by dancing to a tune that only they can hear. Folie a deux.