I was an AP and now I'm a wife, AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:00, my plan is to continue working. There's no way we can afford child care on one salary.

You wouldn't need childcare of one of you was a SAHP.

We would have our child enrolled in preschool part time when he/she turns 2. Plus don't forget about other expenses such as diapers, formula (in case I can't breastfeed), clothes, doctor bills. We need two incomes to afford all of that plus our other bills.

Okay, so you both work, and you do all the housework right now? Does he contribute at all to the housework?

Did his first wife work?

Sometimes he cooks, but he's not the best cook, so I prefer to cook. He does the dishes, washes the cars, mows the lawn, and takes out the trash. Sometimes he cleans the bathrooms.

She couldn't keep a job for more than 3 months at a time, her bad attitude got her fired from all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me when she called the first wife ghetto despite being a nasty hobag herself.

OP is an insecure doormat who thinks that she "wins" at life by putting down other women and sucking up to men.

It is a strategy that has worked for survival centuries, but it is not "winning."

[Anonymous]

17:18, I'm 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:00, my plan is to continue working. There's no way we can afford child care on one salary.

You wouldn't need childcare of one of you was a SAHP.

We would have our child enrolled in preschool part time when he/she turns 2. Plus don't forget about other expenses such as diapers, formula (in case I can't breastfeed), clothes, doctor bills. We need two incomes to afford all of that plus our other bills.

Most of the women responding to you are speaking from the position of knowing exactly how much all that costs - since unlike you, we have actually experienced all of these things.

My original point stands. You are sitting here, a couple years into a marriage, telling us that you will always be delighted to give blowjobs, cook, and clean, that you will continue to do those things even when you are working full time and raising a child. I know dozens of people who are married with children, and every single one of us struggled in the early years with balance. I do not know one couple who was able to maintain their pre-child relationships and divisions of labor.

You think you have all the answers, but what you are refusing to hear is that it does not always work out the way you plan. If your husband left his first wife because she was not a good wife, all that is telling us is that your husband's chosen coping skill for a shitty relationship is to cheat. If you think that it will be different with you, I would be very interested to hear why. "Because I won't make those mistakes" is not an acceptable answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:18, I'm 30.

Of course you are.

You've been in a relationship with this man for how long? 3 years? 4? Married for 2?

Have you been in other relationships, or is this your only experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me when she called the first wife ghetto despite being a nasty hobag herself.

OP is an insecure doormat who thinks that she "wins" at life by putting down other women and sucking up to men.

It is a strategy that has worked for survival centuries, but it is not "winning."

Only a ghetto hair relaxer smelling freakshow would think this is all okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me when she called the first wife ghetto despite being a nasty hobag herself.

OP is an insecure doormat who thinks that she "wins" at life by putting down other women and sucking up to men.

It is a strategy that has worked for survival centuries, but it is not "winning."

I'm not putting her down, I'm stating a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:18, I'm 30.

Of course you are.

You've been in a relationship with this man for how long? 3 years? 4? Married for 2?

Have you been in other relationships, or is this your only experience?

I had one other boyfriend in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:00, my plan is to continue working. There's no way we can afford child care on one salary.

You wouldn't need childcare of one of you was a SAHP.

We would have our child enrolled in preschool part time when he/she turns 2. Plus don't forget about other expenses such as diapers, formula (in case I can't breastfeed), clothes, doctor bills. We need two incomes to afford all of that plus our other bills.

Okay, so you both work, and you do all the housework right now? Does he contribute at all to the housework?

Did his first wife work?

Sometimes he cooks, but he's not the best cook, so I prefer to cook. He does the dishes, washes the cars, mows the lawn, and takes out the trash. Sometimes he cleans the bathrooms.

She couldn't keep a job for more than 3 months at a time, her bad attitude got her fired from all of them.

OP, I can understand why a man would want to divorce such a woman, but you are still naive to think that *I would never stop* doing things for him. Once you have kids, more than likely, sex will decrease significantly those first few years; house won't be as clean; dinner will sometimes consist of frozen food or takeout or cereal. Two working parents + young kids = really hard work and some things just gotta give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:00, my plan is to continue working. There's no way we can afford child care on one salary.

You wouldn't need childcare of one of you was a SAHP.

We would have our child enrolled in preschool part time when he/she turns 2. Plus don't forget about other expenses such as diapers, formula (in case I can't breastfeed), clothes, doctor bills. We need two incomes to afford all of that plus our other bills.

Okay, so you both work, and you do all the housework right now? Does he contribute at all to the housework?

Did his first wife work?

Sometimes he cooks, but he's not the best cook, so I prefer to cook. He does the dishes, washes the cars, mows the lawn, and takes out the trash. Sometimes he cleans the bathrooms.

She couldn't keep a job for more than 3 months at a time, her bad attitude got her fired from all of them.

OP, I can understand why a man would want to divorce such a woman, but you are still naive to think that *I would never stop* doing things for him. Once you have kids, more than likely, sex will decrease significantly those first few years; house won't be as clean; dinner will sometimes consist of frozen food or takeout or cereal. Two working parents + young kids = really hard work and some things just gotta give.

And if something does "give," if you have a bad day or week or month or year, is it okay for him to say screw this, my needs are not fulfilled, and go find another woman to connect with?

[Anonymous]

17:39, the difference between me and the first wife is she never did any of those things. He had no intention of marrying her and was going to break up with her until she said she was pregnant. He thought marrying her was the right thing to do, but he realized he made a mistake when nothing changed between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:18, I'm 30.

Of course you are.

You've been in a relationship with this man for how long? 3 years? 4? Married for 2?

Have you been in other relationships, or is this your only experience?

I had one other boyfriend in college.

Wow.

One relationship in college. One relationship in your late 20s with a married man. Thinks she knows everything about the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:39, the difference between me and the first wife is she never did any of those things. He had no intention of marrying her and was going to break up with her until she said she was pregnant. He thought marrying her was the right thing to do, but he realized he made a mistake when nothing changed between them.

So then he should have gotten a divorce and THEN looked for another relationship.

He was not forced to lie to her and pursue a relationship with you while still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:39, the difference between me and the first wife is she never did any of those things. He had no intention of marrying her and was going to break up with her until she said she was pregnant. He thought marrying her was the right thing to do, but he realized he made a mistake when nothing changed between them.

He realized that he'd made a mistake, but instead of getting divorced, he started a relationship with you.

Do you think that your husband has good judgment in other areas of his life? Does he demonstrate this sort of selfishness at work, with his family of origin? How is his relationship with his daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:18, I'm 30.

Of course you are.

You've been in a relationship with this man for how long? 3 years? 4? Married for 2?

Have you been in other relationships, or is this your only experience?

I had one other boyfriend in college.

Wow.

One relationship in college. One relationship in your late 20s with a married man. Thinks she knows everything about the world.

Hey now, not all women who have only had one relationship are this naive. My DH is the only man I seriously dated, and I'm not this naive. I am, however, very realistic, and know that OP's outlook on her marriage is in for some serious eye-opening.

OP - I have stated this before -- I think you may have some issues if you think that you can meet all his needs. No person, man or woman, can meet another's needs, especially after kids come along. As long as he knows this as well, your marriage might be fine. No one here can say since we don't know your DH. Just make sure he knows that you can't and won't be able to do everything once kids come, or maybe even after 5 yrs of marriage. Passion fades, the rose colored glasses come off eventually.