What happens to the "dud" husbands after divorce?

[Anonymous]

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They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.

Because she insists on doing it her way, and that’s the only way it can be done. Schedules camp : listen to yourself. Camp isn’t a requirement; if it doesn’t get scheduled life goes on. The mom may feel she looks bad compared to the other moms maybe.

omg. what are your kids going to do in the summer? what an idiot.

My 15 year old sleeps until noon then plays computer games until the middle of the night.

When he was 7, we took long family vacations during the summer, he went to camp for a few weeks, and one or the other of us stayed home for a week or two when there were no camps.

Childcare isn't rocket science, that's why some of the least intelligent adults do so much of it.

That’s a really sub farway to spend a summer. I wouldn’t let my kid do that you’re setting a really bad example to let him do that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry, ladies but men have a lot easier of a time rebounding after divorce than you do.

This is just not true. It is not 1965. It is far easier for women

As a divorced man I have to admit this is true. Dating is mostly online these days. And for every 10 likes I get, women will get like 200. And there are a lot of good single men out there for decent divorced women. But once a guy is 50 or so, it’s really tough to find women, exception is only with very rare rich and fit guys. It’s so much easier for women.

As a 39 year old divorced woman, I disagree that there are a lot of good single men out there. Maybe single men in their 30s who haven't been married. But divorced men in their 40s? Not a lot AT ALL.

Are not a lot of divorced men in their 40s but there are a lot of never married men in their 40s and never married men in their 30s. I haven’t looked at 50s. 44. I date men in their 30s. There are plenty. There are almost no men who are divorced in their 40s but that’s not my target audience even though that is who I am. If you are looking for the exact same demographic as you then yeah you’re not gonna find a lot of men but if you’re willing to date men who’s never been married and who are younger, you’re fine.

But don’t they still want marriage and kids? BTDT and not interested in more of either. That’s the hard part about 30s men.

Some men do but some men don’t. Yes it can be tricky; I did date somebody who is 39 who changed his mind. But some men really don’t want children and those are the ones I’m after.

Do you have your own kids? If so, how does that work? They don’t want their own kids but are ok with yours? Genuinely curious.

Yes, I have kids. No, they don’t want their own kids. Yes, they are fine with me having kids.

This is not that uncommon anymore because many millennials are not getting married and they’re not having kids. I personally will never ever remarry. My kids are not introduced to the men I date. I did one man for a year we did not want kids. I’m dating a different one now. He does not want kids because he raised his younger sibling and he helps his other sibling with her kids several days a week and personally told me he never wants to do 0 to 5 in his own house because he’s done with little kids. It’s perfectly fine if I have my own and mine are older than five years old. But it doesn’t matter because they haven’t met and they likely will never meet because I’m not cohabitating and I’m not getting married ever again. If I’m still dating somebody the same person when my kids are older then maybe they will be introduced but I’m not disrupting my kids lives and I’m not dealing with someone else’s kid with custody schedules etc. because I’m just way too busy for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

You sound like the kind of husband one would be glad to be rid of

[Anonymous]

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They get 50:50 custody and a period of alimony and child support. They suck at getting their kids to activities,

The kid isn’t over scheduled to death? The horror!

Meh. Kids of dads like this stop going to dads weekend in high school or so anyway. Divorce pulls the veil off of a lot of dud husbands whose wives were their “fluffer”- making them always look good (or even normal) behind the scenes- basically we as wives become complicit in gaslighting everyone into thinking the dud is a winner. Divorce shines a spotlight on who was who.

I dont prop up my mental dud husband anymore. He basically stays home and if he does tag along he makes a fool of himself or destroys something.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:1. They wake up and learn how to be an adult because they have to
2. They have a mom who swoops in and “helps” them with their 50% custody obligations
3. They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.
4. They marry someone younger who doesn’t know any better and she takes on the fun project of being a bonus mom, at least until she has her own baby.
5. They marry someone their own age whose ex was even more of a bum and thinks they hit the jackpot. Bonus if she has her own kids and just takes on the mental load of managing a blended family.

What is in bold is 100% correct.

If dad is paying child support and the bulk of the expenses, yes she should be doing those things.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a non-celebrity child support payment that actually amounted to the “bulk of the expenses” for the children which I would define as 66% or more.

It really varies. Some get nothing and some get large sums and a mix in between. But, if you have custody and get child support you should do it all as you choose that.

What? If you’re a parent you should do the work of childcare. You should not sign away 100% custody and you’re almost certainly not paying 100% of the kids’ expenses.

Not all men have the money to fight for shared custody in court. If your ex does not work, yes you are.

I love this excuse. Women will beg borrow and steal to find resources to get time with their kids. Men say “wah wah I’m the victim.” Fact is courts give 50% custody as a default but dud dads don’t want it so they cry lawyer fees and a biased system. They don’t even realize they’re telling on themselves because anyone with experience in divorce court in this century knows men get half time if they want even when they show up pro se.

Agreed. I use this as my dud barometer. I won’t date a man with less than 50% custody. My ex has 30%. Why, you ask?

Because he’s a dud.

Why did you pick him to marry?

Because he was funny, handsome, tall and wanted a family.

Unfortunately we had no idea that the Damage sustained from a football career would mean CTE was already destroying him. That didn’t reveal itself till a decade later. I hung on for six years blaming work, stress, drinking. Nope- was CTE. True nightmare.

I’m so sorry to hear this

Me too. As fun as it is to watch, football should be outlawed. The average life expectancy for former NFL players is less than 60 years, and so many have long term disabilities for the rest of their lives.

It's not that fun to watch. Most of these men are overweight, and imo no real sport would allow you to constantly coach on a mike during play and have that many time-outs. It's an American thing that no other country cares about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

You sound like the kind of husband one would be glad to be rid of

+1. Regretting children? Yikes.

Those women he’s sleeping with won’t be at his bedside in his final days. His kids might, if he quits being a brat. Likely he’ll die alone after years in a nursing home with no visitors. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was a dud husband. He has never been without a partner (cheated on me, and then subsequent girlfriends). Now he has found a very reasonable girlfriend who lives with him and takes care of my kids every other weekend when they visit. So, she is my co-parent. It's totally annoying to me, but better for my ex and my kids. And the girlfriend gets to play "step mom," which she seems to appreciate. She does not have her own kids.

And for the past year, I think I've been dating someone's "dud" ex-husband. My significant other has 50 percent custody. He puts a lot of effort toward parenting, but I suspect he did not during his marriage. His household is in disarray, so we spend our time at my place. I will not marry him or live with him. He does his job well, but has poor executive function outside of work. I won't take that on again, so this relationship can only advance to a certain point.

So, apparently these are the men I attract. Or settle for.

Ugh sorry. Hope you have some good fun friends too.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

She was right and you just admitted it. Anyone who regrets their children IS a dud as a father and parenting partner. I doubt your ex is impressed by your sex life now, but I hope she’s keeping an eye on your bank account and taking what her kids are owed.

I am a woman and I agree with the previous poster… The biggest mistakes in my life were getting married and having children. I love my kids and I’m a great mom but these were still two of the biggest mistakes of my life. It’s simply not worth it and has derailed to the things that I really wanted to do. I am so sick of this society glorifying motherhood and parenthood. A lot of it sucks and it’s not worth the “reward” everyone espouses.

That's your problem, just like it's the PP's problem. Don't have kids expecting a magic rewards. Have kids if you want kids. And if you have kids and view it as the biggest mistake of your life, you are a dud parent, no matter your gender. I wish both of you had figured out this out earlier, before bringing kids into the world, who will now have to live with your mistakes. Selfish.

The way parenting works, you only know if you love AFTER you become a parent. It's okay to not fully enjoy the experience.

I see this sentiment somewhat often on here and I'm always confused. No parent "fully enjoys the experience." There are challenges and draw backs, and some have a lot more than others. But I actually think it's pretty easy to know if you really WANT to be a parent before you become one. I had a lot of trepidation about it but in a way that's how I knew I wanted to do it. I didn't idealize it and I still wanted to do it.

I think people who have kids and then say things like "biggest mistake of my life" have something else going on that is really wrong. I don't think you have to have a parent to be fulfilled, but I think if you have kids and can't find a way to at least appreciate the positive aspects of it, your problem is mostly you, not your kids.

Here’s what I see: UNREALISTIC and NAIVE expectations of what being married with raising kids entails.

Lots of guys “want” to have kids. They have some Mickey Mouse naive version of how easy it will be to have a baby, or toddler or adolescent or teen. Or if they’re really dumb they only think about having a baby at baby stage. So they say Yes yes, I love kids (even tho I don’t actually know what that means to parent), I always saw myself having 2-3 kids, etc.

Then the actual kid comes and he just swings by occasionally and hopes you provide some directions, or he stays at work more avoid 99% of life’s demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They go to the gym, lose their gut, start dressing better than when they were married, get a better job, find, date and marry a better woman than their ex-wife!

Then drop their mask, gain weight, go back to being a slob, and have nothing to talk about. It’s called the “Another Adult in The House, I’m Resting” phenomena.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:1. They wake up and learn how to be an adult because they have to
2. They have a mom who swoops in and “helps” them with their 50% custody obligations
3. They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.
4. They marry someone younger who doesn’t know any better and she takes on the fun project of being a bonus mom, at least until she has her own baby.
5. They marry someone their own age whose ex was even more of a bum and thinks they hit the jackpot. Bonus if she has her own kids and just takes on the mental load of managing a blended family.

What is in bold is 100% correct.

If dad is paying child support and the bulk of the expenses, yes she should be doing those things.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a non-celebrity child support payment that actually amounted to the “bulk of the expenses” for the children which I would define as 66% or more.

It really varies. Some get nothing and some get large sums and a mix in between. But, if you have custody and get child support you should do it all as you choose that.

What? If you’re a parent you should do the work of childcare. You should not sign away 100% custody and you’re almost certainly not paying 100% of the kids’ expenses.

Not all men have the money to fight for shared custody in court. If your ex does not work, yes you are.

So these men can’t afford to fight for shared custody yet are paying the bulk of expenses? Please explain how that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. They wake up and learn how to be an adult because they have to
2. They have a mom who swoops in and “helps” them with their 50% custody obligations
3. They muddle through and do an ok job with their 50%, but the ex-wife still buys clothes and school supplies, schedules camp and dentist appointments, sets up activities and coordinates car pool because she doesn’t want the kids to suffer because of his poor planning.
4. They marry someone younger who doesn’t know any better and she takes on the fun project of being a bonus mom, at least until she has her own baby.
5. They marry someone their own age whose ex was even more of a bum and thinks they hit the jackpot. Bonus if she has her own kids and just takes on the mental load of managing a blended family.

What is in bold is 100% correct.

If dad is paying child support and the bulk of the expenses, yes she should be doing those things.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a non-celebrity child support payment that actually amounted to the “bulk of the expenses” for the children which I would define as 66% or more.

It really varies. Some get nothing and some get large sums and a mix in between. But, if you have custody and get child support you should do it all as you choose that.

What? If you’re a parent you should do the work of childcare. You should not sign away 100% custody and you’re almost certainly not paying 100% of the kids’ expenses.

Not all men have the money to fight for shared custody in court. If your ex does not work, yes you are.

So these men can’t afford to fight for shared custody yet are paying the bulk of expenses? Please explain how that works.

Do you have a reading comprehension problem? There is no fight for shared custody. You do not have to pay for it. Are rarely custody fights. If a parent wants 50-50 they will get 50-50. This is the case in Virginia. Don’t need money to afford to fight for custody because you are going to just get it if you ask for it. I don’t know in what world you think men are paying the bulk of expenses. Income of both parents are considered and there is a formula and both parents contribute if they’re working. Your ideas about divorce or about 25 years old. I don’t know one man who does not have 50-50 custody and they do not pay the bulk of the expenses. They’re getting away with a couple hundred dollars a month in a lot of cases. It does not support a child and it is no way the bulk of expenses at all.

[Anonymous]

My ex dud, who refuses to pay tuition for our kid, just Venmoed his lady friend a couple hundred bucks to get her nails done. The long talon kind. What a ridiculous loser. I cringe for them both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She only _thought_ I was a dud. I was a winner all along, and she was and continues to be a loser.

My income is up 40 percent, and I've slept with a couple of dozen women who are 10-30 years younger than me since the divorce.

I've made two major mistakes in life: getting married, and having children.

Those were big life altering mistakes you made. Very poor decision skills. You sound like a catch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex dud, who refuses to pay tuition for our kid, just Venmoed his lady friend a couple hundred bucks to get her nails done. The long talon kind. What a ridiculous loser. I cringe for them both.

You wanted to have the kid, why don't you pay the tuition? Or send junior to a tuition-free school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex dud, who refuses to pay tuition for our kid, just Venmoed his lady friend a couple hundred bucks to get her nails done. The long talon kind. What a ridiculous loser. I cringe for them both.

You wanted to have the kid, why don't you pay the tuition? Or send junior to a tuition-free school.

You nailed it. I alone wanted the kid. I was able to steal his sperm to accomplish my goal without his consent so he is 100% not responsible for the kid. As long as he’s happy that’s the important thing.