Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

This is just an unfortunate situation. In a perfect world, the kid could go to the wedding and there would be no negative sports consequences. Unfortunately with some of the wacko coaches out there, this might not be the case. I feel for the kid. Sure, Mom dropped the ball. But that happens people! As a mom juggling three kids and two grown up schedules, sometimes I drop the ball too. As for the bride, it's one of those things she just needs to let float by her. Truth be told, the kid may or may not care about missing the wedding. Asa 40 year old woman, she needs to realize that this wedding is HER most important day, but not necessary everyone else's most important day. She should get over it, so it does not carry over into her relationship with her sister. That is what is most important. Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Tournament trumps wedding, though sister should go to wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reality check: A 14 year old who bails on a high school tournament, isn't going to see much playing time the rest of that year, unless he's a super star, which won't set him up with the skills to move up. For my kid, making it varsity is a huge goal of his high school career. He's not a star player, so he puts a lot of effort into that goal, and letting his team down on a major tournament would be a huge set back.

I know in this case, I'd let my kid choose, and be very surprised if he chose a wedding over his sport.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I played D1aa field hockey in college, and played on a state championship high school field hockey team (I was not on varsity as a frosh, but would haved loved to have made it). I honestly don't know what my 14 yr old brain would have thought had I faced this dilemma, but I know with certainty that it would not have actually been a dilemma because it would not have been a choice for my parents - we all would have gone to the wedding. I did miss other important family events here and there but a wedding (or a funeral) of a close family member would trump just about anything in my family. Reflecting through my adult eyes, I am very glad that I have such a close knit family and I know I can count on them to be there for me and to support me at major lifecycle events (and many other things, of course). For those who would respond to me that the aunt should support the nephew at his important event (by letting him go to the soccer match), I just don't come close to equating a wedding with any soccer tournament (except maybe an opp to play in the world cup!).

That would be a classic DCUM post: My child has the opportunity to represent his country in the World Cup, but it conflicts with an important family event. I'm guessing there are plenty of people on this thread who would say family should trump even in that case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I just asked my 17 year old soccer fanatic, varsity playing son what he would do. He said with no hesitation "go to the wedding". He just attended my sisters wedding this past October and although he did not miss any games (it was over Columbus Day thankfully), it was a memorable family event. I was a little surprised myself - he did not skip a beat.

Did he play varsity as a freshman. Ask him if he would have missed tryouts.

OMG, you need to get a life outside of your kids' sport endeavors. I feel sorry for your kids.

OMG ... I can't understand anything that is not my life. You are myopic. I am not talking about my life. But I know numerous families that would never, ever, ever plan an August vacation because of HS sports. The fact that you don't know this makes me think you are out of touch with reality. This is tryout time, that is a big deal. Or maybe it is during state cups, which are in the Spring. Which is trying to win a State Championship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I just asked my 17 year old soccer fanatic, varsity playing son what he would do. He said with no hesitation "go to the wedding". He just attended my sisters wedding this past October and although he did not miss any games (it was over Columbus Day thankfully), it was a memorable family event. I was a little surprised myself - he did not skip a beat.

But he was already well-established on the team at that point, right? If you have already won a position you're comfortable with and are in the coach's good graces, there is no reason to miss an important family event. My kid who plays at a high level wouldn't hesitate for a second. My kid who has to scrap for every bit of playing time he gets would be much more apprehensive.

Exactly a 17 year old varsity player is way different than a freshman playing varsity.

[Anonymous]

Haven't followed all of this but thought I would add something. When I got married--later like you I would have been horrified if a nephew didn't attend. I am very close to my nephews and would have been upset. Thankfully they were too young to be in anything so competitive that it would have mattered. Now years later, I have different perspective and believe it not you may have different perspective in years with your own kids. If this is a sport where it is a big event (who cares boy or girl) then I would say they should go to that game and miss the wedding. Why? You have said you live far away because if in same town the child could have gone to the sporting event and then made part of the festivities--rehearsal dinner or reception but not the wedding or wedding and not the reception. This child is sort of boxed in because they have to fly across the country so this is a big production during the school year. Your sister may love you to pieces but she is being a good mom. She knows she is having one of her kids there to represent the family and her other child needs to be where he sports commitment is. I totally get. The people who say to bag probably don't have the understand of competitive sports--frankly though this could be a what if child was in a theatre production so the reality is if a child has a commitment to something and is learning follow through. It could be argued that if this family was the most important thing,you could choose to have a wedding in their town. You didn't because it didn't work for you..totally understand that but please understand that when you are flying people in, logistics can get in the way. Maybe find a way to celebrate with him this summer. Please do not let the stress of a wedding cloud your mind. This is how family wars start and it is not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I played D1aa field hockey in college, and played on a state championship high school field hockey team (I was not on varsity as a frosh, but would haved loved to have made it). I honestly don't know what my 14 yr old brain would have thought had I faced this dilemma, but I know with certainty that it would not have actually been a dilemma because it would not have been a choice for my parents - we all would have gone to the wedding. I did miss other important family events here and there but a wedding (or a funeral) of a close family member would trump just about anything in my family. Reflecting through my adult eyes, I am very glad that I have such a close knit family and I know I can count on them to be there for me and to support me at major lifecycle events (and many other things, of course). For those who would respond to me that the aunt should support the nephew at his important event (by letting him go to the soccer match), I just don't come close to equating a wedding with any soccer tournament (except maybe an opp to play in the world cup!).

Sometimes hindsight is not 20/20. This is an example. You have no clue all the sacrifices that were made for your D1AA pursuits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the people posting here who believe the kid and his mom are being selfish have no conception of how selfish it is to want someone else to put their life on hold for their "big day" or how hypocritical it is to say they're prioritizing "supporting the family" by forcing a family member to forgo something they've worked quite hard for.

If "supporting the family" is so important, how about we all grow up and support the boy going to his sporting event, which (a) understandably means more to him than his aunts wedding considering the amount of time he's likely put into it, and (b) shouldn't ultimately change how his aunt feels about her wedding day one bit.

It's a good practice to at least analyze the size of the benefit to you against the size of the sacrifice you're making someone else make.

You have a seriously messed up world view if you think one tournament of many sports tournamens is even remotely equivalent to the celebration of a family member's wedding. If the niece is not there, I don't look at it in terms of the benefit or loss to the bride; it's a loss to the whole extended family to have someone missing like that. These are "all call" extended family occasions. Or at least they are in my family where we treasure the rare times we are all together from far-flung countries and states and walks of life. We come together to welcome and bless a new family, to welcome a new child, and to hold each other close when one of us has died. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have other milestones to gather to celebrate, like my grandmother's 90ty birthday and aunt and uncle's 60th wedding anniversary. These are seen as more optional than weddings, though, where we see it as a sacred responsibility to join in support and celebration of the newly wedded couple. Cheering someone kicking a ball, when they do the ball kicking nearly every weekend over the course of many years, isn't remotely equivalent. My mind is really blown by people who value family so little and elevate exercise, competitive games, and hobbies so highly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP. You sound like a great aunt. But a 14 year old boy will honestly be bored to tears at a wedding so having him there just to say he was there seems silly. I would let it go.

I agree. We had a family wedding this summer and our teenage son was the only teenager in attendance. We made him go the wedding and he was polite but at the reception we let him play on his phone. He was bored. We had to leave early to drop him back at the hotel.

Let your sister work this out with her family. You are going to super busy on your wedding day, no need to stir up drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the people posting here who believe the kid and his mom are being selfish have no conception of how selfish it is to want someone else to put their life on hold for their "big day" or how hypocritical it is to say they're prioritizing "supporting the family" by forcing a family member to forgo something they've worked quite hard for.

If "supporting the family" is so important, how about we all grow up and support the boy going to his sporting event, which (a) understandably means more to him than his aunts wedding considering the amount of time he's likely put into it, and (b) shouldn't ultimately change how his aunt feels about her wedding day one bit.

It's a good practice to at least analyze the size of the benefit to you against the size of the sacrifice you're making someone else make.

This is absurd. OF COURSE people put their lives on hold for someone's big day. They miss all sorts of routine or even special life things. They buy flights. They make 4 hour drives. They wedge their feet into uncomfy shoes. They see that ex-wife they hate. It's a wedding, not a routine dinner party. The idea that a wedding is not a very special family event (versus an event just for the couple) is a notion that I don't relate to at all. I think it's selfish to say who cares who is there as long as me and my fiancé are is selfish. Unselfish is to care that your siblings and nieces and nephews are present (like Op did) and making them part of the ceremony. I presume this why Op has been successful in having a close and loving family. An attitude of hey I don't needs my nieces and nephews is not consistent with the nice family it sounds like they have.

Op, this is a sucky hiccup. Don't let it interfere with what sounds like a great family. It sounds like you aren't though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the people posting here who believe the kid and his mom are being selfish have no conception of how selfish it is to want someone else to put their life on hold for their "big day" or how hypocritical it is to say they're prioritizing "supporting the family" by forcing a family member to forgo something they've worked quite hard for.

If "supporting the family" is so important, how about we all grow up and support the boy going to his sporting event, which (a) understandably means more to him than his aunts wedding considering the amount of time he's likely put into it, and (b) shouldn't ultimately change how his aunt feels about her wedding day one bit.

It's a good practice to at least analyze the size of the benefit to you against the size of the sacrifice you're making someone else make.

You have a seriously messed up world view if you think one tournament of many sports tournamens is even remotely equivalent to the celebration of a family member's wedding. If the niece is not there, I don't look at it in terms of the benefit or loss to the bride; it's a loss to the whole extended family to have someone missing like that. These are "all call" extended family occasions. Or at least they are in my family where we treasure the rare times we are all together from far-flung countries and states and walks of life. We come together to welcome and bless a new family, to welcome a new child, and to hold each other close when one of us has died. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have other milestones to gather to celebrate, like my grandmother's 90ty birthday and aunt and uncle's 60th wedding anniversary. These are seen as more optional than weddings, though, where we see it as a sacred responsibility to join in support and celebration of the newly wedded couple. Cheering someone kicking a ball, when they do the ball kicking nearly every weekend over the course of many years, isn't remotely equivalent. My mind is really blown by people who value family so little and elevate exercise, competitive games, and hobbies so highly.

Holy cow! Take a Xanax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tournament trumps wedding, though sister should go to wedding.

(NP trying to catch up.)

This is so sad to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tournament trumps wedding, though sister should go to wedding.

(NP trying to catch up.)

This is so sad to me.

When you grow up you will realize this was NOT the most important day of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the people posting here who believe the kid and his mom are being selfish have no conception of how selfish it is to want someone else to put their life on hold for their "big day" or how hypocritical it is to say they're prioritizing "supporting the family" by forcing a family member to forgo something they've worked quite hard for.

If "supporting the family" is so important, how about we all grow up and support the boy going to his sporting event, which (a) understandably means more to him than his aunts wedding considering the amount of time he's likely put into it, and (b) shouldn't ultimately change how his aunt feels about her wedding day one bit.

It's a good practice to at least analyze the size of the benefit to you against the size of the sacrifice you're making someone else make.

You have a seriously messed up world view if you think one tournament of many sports tournamens is even remotely equivalent to the celebration of a family member's wedding. If the niece is not there, I don't look at it in terms of the benefit or loss to the bride; it's a loss to the whole extended family to have someone missing like that. These are "all call" extended family occasions. Or at least they are in my family where we treasure the rare times we are all together from far-flung countries and states and walks of life. We come together to welcome and bless a new family, to welcome a new child, and to hold each other close when one of us has died. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have other milestones to gather to celebrate, like my grandmother's 90ty birthday and aunt and uncle's 60th wedding anniversary. These are seen as more optional than weddings, though, where we see it as a sacred responsibility to join in support and celebration of the newly wedded couple. Cheering someone kicking a ball, when they do the ball kicking nearly every weekend over the course of many years, isn't remotely equivalent. My mind is really blown by people who value family so little and elevate exercise, competitive games, and hobbies so highly.

Holy cow! Take a Xanax.

Haha, I'm the PP, and you're right, I'm bizarrely amp'd up by this thread. I need to step away from the keyboard. Thanks for the blunt reality check.