Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe family should take priority over a sports game.

By not attending the wedding, the message that is being sent is - 'what I want to do, as a 14 yo, takes priority over any family event'. never mind that the marriage is likely 'forever' and the sports will fizzle out by HS graduation.

I think this teaches selfishness on the part of this kid (and all kids where family events are trumped by sports).

These kids will grow up and will find themselves choosing going out with their friends over being with a girl/guy they are interested in, leaving their girlfriends or SOs behind because it's all about 'me' right?

It sends a wrong message to the kid that their interests take priority over family.

But maybe, family isn't as important to the OPs sister as her son's game.

+1 This is what it all boils down to - the message the sister is sending to her kids and what they will likely take away from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:40, you are either a pot-stirrer or cray cray yourself. Op has set a great example for all on this thread of explaining her thoughts without getting overly dramatic or unreasonable or shrill. I have supported her position on this thread, but I think that most people on both sides of this debate have been respectful. Saying you don't agree doesn't mean you are being hysterical (actually, now that I think about it, you are probably a guy because that is a very typical male defense to an argument with a woman- as soon as she disagrees with him, she is hysterical and overly emotional).

Your post and many of those that follow it perfectly illustrate my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe family should take priority over a sports game.

By not attending the wedding, the message that is being sent is - 'what I want to do, as a 14 yo, takes priority over any family event'. never mind that the marriage is likely 'forever' and the sports will fizzle out by HS graduation.

I think this teaches selfishness on the part of this kid (and all kids where family events are trumped by sports).

These kids will grow up and will find themselves choosing going out with their friends over being with a girl/guy they are interested in, leaving their girlfriends or SOs behind because it's all about 'me' right?

It sends a wrong message to the kid that their interests take priority over family.

But maybe, family isn't as important to the OPs sister as her son's game.

+1 This is what it all boils down to - the message the sister is sending to her kids and what they will likely take away from it.

Where was it established that the 14yo wanted to go to the game over the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe family should take priority over a sports game.

By not attending the wedding, the message that is being sent is - 'what I want to do, as a 14 yo, takes priority over any family event'. never mind that the marriage is likely 'forever' and the sports will fizzle out by HS graduation.

I think this teaches selfishness on the part of this kid (and all kids where family events are trumped by sports).

These kids will grow up and will find themselves choosing going out with their friends over being with a girl/guy they are interested in, leaving their girlfriends or SOs behind because it's all about 'me' right?

It sends a wrong message to the kid that their interests take priority over family.

But maybe, family isn't as important to the OPs sister as her son's game.

+1 This is what it all boils down to - the message the sister is sending to her kids and what they will likely take away from it.

Where was it established that the 14yo wanted to go to the game over the wedding?

It wasn't, people are just making up facts to fit their worldview. After all, the PP also never acknowledges that this could be the sister wanting to teach the importance of following through on your commitments, even when there's something more fun you'd rather be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a real question, not snark: if it's such a huge disruption for a player to miss a single tournament then what happens if they are injured, have strep throat, etc. Also-if the culture really is this rigid I would be concerned about pressure to return to the game or season too soon after concussion or possible concussion.

The team is disrupted, and probably doesn't perform as well. The concern you cite about pressure to return too soon is a very real issue, one that has been getting increasing amounts of attention.

[Anonymous]

I think the posters (and it's most of you) on both sides of the "family v. sports" debate are missing the point. In this particular situation, efforts were made to schedule around the kids' events but the mother screwed up. In addition, the OP hinted that the younger niece was often relegated to a second-class status with respect to activities. That is the real issue here, not the tremendous amount of projecting that's going on. Given that, I pretty much agree with OP that she should be disappointed, but it wouldn't be fair to put her niece in a difficult position. I also don't think it's fair to assume, based on this situation, that the mother prioritizes athletics over family.

[Anonymous]

Agree w/ the PP.

Also, the idea that the team is disrupted over a freshman, who has never yet been on the team, missing a pre-season tournament sounds ridiculous. No idea what the coach's take on this would be.

Not sure why people are assuming the child did not want to attend the wedding or was not torn. Could be the parents said we forgot your tournament and sorry you have to go (bc of commitment or bc they worry about the team consequences for the kid). I'd be pissed if I was the younger sibling, if I had wanted to go to both. For a small family fun event like this where I even had a center stage role, I would've felt like I was missing out. Would've wanted to do both! One person who didn't read the thread said the bride was bridezilla, but she was thoughtful of the planning and inclusive of the family. The mom is the one who screwed up and created the situation, inadvertently I am sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe family should take priority over a sports game.

By not attending the wedding, the message that is being sent is - 'what I want to do, as a 14 yo, takes priority over any family event'. never mind that the marriage is likely 'forever' and the sports will fizzle out by HS graduation.

I think this teaches selfishness on the part of this kid (and all kids where family events are trumped by sports).

These kids will grow up and will find themselves choosing going out with their friends over being with a girl/guy they are interested in, leaving their girlfriends or SOs behind because it's all about 'me' right?

It sends a wrong message to the kid that their interests take priority over family.

But maybe, family isn't as important to the OPs sister as her son's game.

+1 This is what it all boils down to - the message the sister is sending to her kids and what they will likely take away from it.

Did you guys read the original scenario? The message was "I remembered to check your sister's calendar, but not yours, and I double-booked you for two events you wanted to attend." Which is sort of the opposite of "you are the most important person" in that it tells the doublebooked kid that they are actually the LEAST important. Not only was their schedule not important enough to check, they will have to deal with the pain of their mother's mistake.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that most of the people posting here who believe the kid and his mom are being selfish have no conception of how selfish it is to want someone else to put their life on hold for their "big day" or how hypocritical it is to say they're prioritizing "supporting the family" by forcing a family member to forgo something they've worked quite hard for.

If "supporting the family" is so important, how about we all grow up and support the boy going to his sporting event, which (a) understandably means more to him than his aunts wedding considering the amount of time he's likely put into it, and (b) shouldn't ultimately change how his aunt feels about her wedding day one bit.

It's a good practice to at least analyze the size of the benefit to you against the size of the sacrifice you're making someone else make.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I just asked my 17 year old soccer fanatic, varsity playing son what he would do. He said with no hesitation "go to the wedding". He just attended my sisters wedding this past October and although he did not miss any games (it was over Columbus Day thankfully), it was a memorable family event. I was a little surprised myself - he did not skip a beat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I just asked my 17 year old soccer fanatic, varsity playing son what he would do. He said with no hesitation "go to the wedding". He just attended my sisters wedding this past October and although he did not miss any games (it was over Columbus Day thankfully), it was a memorable family event. I was a little surprised myself - he did not skip a beat.

Did he play varsity as a freshman. Ask him if he would have missed tryouts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I just asked my 17 year old soccer fanatic, varsity playing son what he would do. He said with no hesitation "go to the wedding". He just attended my sisters wedding this past October and although he did not miss any games (it was over Columbus Day thankfully), it was a memorable family event. I was a little surprised myself - he did not skip a beat.

Did he play varsity as a freshman. Ask him if he would have missed tryouts.

OMG, you need to get a life outside of your kids' sport endeavors. I feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I just asked my 17 year old soccer fanatic, varsity playing son what he would do. He said with no hesitation "go to the wedding". He just attended my sisters wedding this past October and although he did not miss any games (it was over Columbus Day thankfully), it was a memorable family event. I was a little surprised myself - he did not skip a beat.

But he was already well-established on the team at that point, right? If you have already won a position you're comfortable with and are in the coach's good graces, there is no reason to miss an important family event. My kid who plays at a high level wouldn't hesitate for a second. My kid who has to scrap for every bit of playing time he gets would be much more apprehensive.

[Anonymous]

Somewhere in the numerous posts OP indicated that she changed some details in the interest of privacy. This is actually a niece and the sport is not soccer. Who knows now if it's even a sport. We don't even know what we're discussing anymore.

[Anonymous]

I played D1aa field hockey in college, and played on a state championship high school field hockey team (I was not on varsity as a frosh, but would haved loved to have made it). I honestly don't know what my 14 yr old brain would have thought had I faced this dilemma, but I know with certainty that it would not have actually been a dilemma because it would not have been a choice for my parents - we all would have gone to the wedding. I did miss other important family events here and there but a wedding (or a funeral) of a close family member would trump just about anything in my family. Reflecting through my adult eyes, I am very glad that I have such a close knit family and I know I can count on them to be there for me and to support me at major lifecycle events (and many other things, of course). For those who would respond to me that the aunt should support the nephew at his important event (by letting him go to the soccer match), I just don't come close to equating a wedding with any soccer tournament (except maybe an opp to play in the world cup!).