Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tournament trumps wedding, though sister should go to wedding.

(NP trying to catch up.)

This is so sad to me.

When you grow up you will realize this was NOT the most important day of your life.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that most of the people posting here who believe the kid and his mom are being selfish have no conception of how selfish it is to want someone else to put their life on hold for their "big day" or how hypocritical it is to say they're prioritizing "supporting the family" by forcing a family member to forgo something they've worked quite hard for.

If "supporting the family" is so important, how about we all grow up and support the boy going to his sporting event, which (a) understandably means more to him than his aunts wedding considering the amount of time he's likely put into it, and (b) shouldn't ultimately change how his aunt feels about her wedding day one bit.

It's a good practice to at least analyze the size of the benefit to you against the size of the sacrifice you're making someone else make.

You have a seriously messed up world view if you think one tournament of many sports tournamens is even remotely equivalent to the celebration of a family member's wedding. If the niece is not there, I don't look at it in terms of the benefit or loss to the bride; it's a loss to the whole extended family to have someone missing like that. These are "all call" extended family occasions. Or at least they are in my family where we treasure the rare times we are all together from far-flung countries and states and walks of life. We come together to welcome and bless a new family, to welcome a new child, and to hold each other close when one of us has died. Sometimes we are lucky enough to have other milestones to gather to celebrate, like my grandmother's 90ty birthday and aunt and uncle's 60th wedding anniversary. These are seen as more optional than weddings, though, where we see it as a sacred responsibility to join in support and celebration of the newly wedded couple. Cheering someone kicking a ball, when they do the ball kicking nearly every weekend over the course of many years, isn't remotely equivalent. My mind is really blown by people who value family so little and elevate exercise, competitive games, and hobbies so highly.

Holy cow! Take a Xanax.

Haha, I'm the PP, and you're right, I'm bizarrely amp'd up by this thread. I need to step away from the keyboard. Thanks for the blunt reality check.

I am sorry this thread has you amp'd up, you seem nice... I sorry I told you to take a Xanax.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should be glad you don't have to pay for one more guest. And, I remember when my dd who ended up being a DI Ivy athlete had sports stuff every weekend. Coaches don't like for kids to miss even if they don't play.

I understand your bummed, but in a big family there are always going to be conflicts.

[Anonymous]

So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should be glad you don't have to pay for one more guest. And, I remember when my dd who ended up being a DI Ivy athlete had sports stuff every weekend. Coaches don't like for kids to miss even if they don't play.

I understand your bummed, but in a big family there are always going to be conflicts.

Coaches can get away with that because there are parents out there like you who think what a coach thinks is more important than your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I think this thread has shown us that different families work differently. For those who didn't already know that, here you go. Try not to be so horrified that everyone doesn't do everything like you would.

Yes, either family comes first or sports comes first. That is the two different types of families you have here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is just an unfortunate situation. In a perfect world, the kid could go to the wedding and there would be no negative sports consequences. Unfortunately with some of the wacko coaches out there, this might not be the case. I feel for the kid. Sure, Mom dropped the ball. But that happens people! As a mom juggling three kids and two grown up schedules, sometimes I drop the ball too. As for the bride, it's one of those things she just needs to let float by her. Truth be told, the kid may or may not care about missing the wedding. Asa 40 year old woman, she needs to realize that this wedding is HER most important day, but not necessary everyone else's most important day. She should get over it, so it does not carry over into her relationship with her sister. That is what is most important. Just my two cents.

You do all realize that there are "wacko" coaches out there because of wacko families that put sports before families, correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should be glad you don't have to pay for one more guest. And, I remember when my dd who ended up being a DI Ivy athlete had sports stuff every weekend. Coaches don't like for kids to miss even if they don't play.

I understand your bummed, but in a big family there are always going to be conflicts.

Coaches can get away with that because there are parents out there like you who think what a coach thinks is more important than your sister.

I am sure this is a sports vs. non-sports obligation thing. If it were AP exams, or SATs or an orchestra recital at Carnegie Hall you would change your tune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is just an unfortunate situation. In a perfect world, the kid could go to the wedding and there would be no negative sports consequences. Unfortunately with some of the wacko coaches out there, this might not be the case. I feel for the kid. Sure, Mom dropped the ball. But that happens people! As a mom juggling three kids and two grown up schedules, sometimes I drop the ball too. As for the bride, it's one of those things she just needs to let float by her. Truth be told, the kid may or may not care about missing the wedding. Asa 40 year old woman, she needs to realize that this wedding is HER most important day, but not necessary everyone else's most important day. She should get over it, so it does not carry over into her relationship with her sister. That is what is most important. Just my two cents.

You do all realize that there are "wacko" coaches out there because of wacko families that put sports before families, correct?

No. Actually there are "wacko" coaches regardless of whether a family puts sports ahead of families or not. Your actions are not going to change the way a person acts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP. You sound like a great aunt. But a 14 year old boy will honestly be bored to tears at a wedding so having him there just to say he was there seems silly. I would let it go.

I agree. We had a family wedding this summer and our teenage son was the only teenager in attendance. We made him go the wedding and he was polite but at the reception we let him play on his phone. He was bored. We had to leave early to drop him back at the hotel.

Let your sister work this out with her family. You are going to super busy on your wedding day, no need to stir up drama.

You make your teenage boy sound like he is 5 in this post.

My teenagers go to family weddings and have a blast. Some teens can make fun. Some whine like 5yr olds and get to back to the hotel early for beddy-byes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is just an unfortunate situation. In a perfect world, the kid could go to the wedding and there would be no negative sports consequences. Unfortunately with some of the wacko coaches out there, this might not be the case. I feel for the kid. Sure, Mom dropped the ball. But that happens people! As a mom juggling three kids and two grown up schedules, sometimes I drop the ball too. As for the bride, it's one of those things she just needs to let float by her. Truth be told, the kid may or may not care about missing the wedding. Asa 40 year old woman, she needs to realize that this wedding is HER most important day, but not necessary everyone else's most important day. She should get over it, so it does not carry over into her relationship with her sister. That is what is most important. Just my two cents.

You do all realize that there are "wacko" coaches out there because of wacko families that put sports before families, correct?

No. Actually there are "wacko" coaches regardless of whether a family puts sports ahead of families or not. Your actions are not going to change the way a person acts.

Actually no - the wacko coaches are because of parents who put high demands on sports. Most wacko coaches are actually parents.

[Anonymous]

A PP here. As I said before, my kids would choose to attend the wedding although everyone in my family would understand if they did not. Got called a bad parent and everything....but ok.

My problem is that many of you are making this a "black or white" issue when, in fact, there is a lot of gray. What many of you have done is minimize the kid's activity while trumpeting the imprtance of the wedding. "He is just a freshman." "If one tournament can make or break him, he is not that good." "There will be other tournaments." A HS kid (as opposed to a 7YO playing rec) has put in a lot of time and energy into the activity and has probably sacrificed a lot (inlcuding social time) to get to that point. Whatever decision a family makes should at least acknowledege that. It is the only fair thing to do. Let me say once again that my kids would attend the wedding. But I would never tell them that an activity that they have committed significant time and energy is not important or is overrated.

As far as good/bad parenting, the one thing I try not to do with my teenagers is make decisions regarding them that they have to bear the brunt of alone. So I would hope that all those great parents out there who would make the kids attend the wedding are also counseling them on how to deal with the coach and their teammates going forward and helping them work through any consequences. Because, IMO, that is just as important a life lesson as the importance of family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you should be glad you don't have to pay for one more guest. And, I remember when my dd who ended up being a DI Ivy athlete had sports stuff every weekend. Coaches don't like for kids to miss even if they don't play.

I understand your bummed, but in a big family there are always going to be conflicts.

Coaches can get away with that because there are parents out there like you who think what a coach thinks is more important than your sister.

I am sure this is a sports vs. non-sports obligation thing. If it were AP exams, or SATs or an orchestra recital at Carnegie Hall you would change your tune.

AP exams aren't on Saturdays, SAT's can be rescheduled and yes, my child would miss a recital for a wedding. Wedding trumps all of your "scenarios." The fact that you are using all of these things as analogies to a basic early season high school tournament just further proves my point, the level that parents place sports is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

One day that 14 year old - and the other "sports at all cost" 14 year olds will get married - and guess what - I bet nobody will think twice about blowing off their wedding(s). Because there's a great big difference between the all-me-all- the- time people and people that genuinely love and care about their family and friends. And I know this is true because everybody blew off one of my sisters 3 kids weddings because he grew up to be an entitled pompous ass and so was his wife. It was a packed house for the other two. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe family should take priority over a sports game.

By not attending the wedding, the message that is being sent is - 'what I want to do, as a 14 yo, takes priority over any family event'. never mind that the marriage is likely 'forever' and the sports will fizzle out by HS graduation.

I think this teaches selfishness on the part of this kid (and all kids where family events are trumped by sports).

These kids will grow up and will find themselves choosing going out with their friends over being with a girl/guy they are interested in, leaving their girlfriends or SOs behind because it's all about 'me' right?

It sends a wrong message to the kid that their interests take priority over family.

But maybe, family isn't as important to the OPs sister as her son's game.

+1 This is what it all boils down to - the message the sister is sending to her kids and what they will likely take away from it.

+2 and how they will end up raising their own family. The way this coddled me me me generation is, I am scared for the next one.