Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"And I don't see being a SAHM as the end of it all. When all DCs are in school full time, I know I will take on new ventures. "

No sale here.

You and your children will continue to be totally dependent on your DH for financial support. Not smart to put all of your eggs in one basket. Haven't you read the many posts from SAHMs who are being dumped by their DHs and are in financial straits.

But you get brownie points for being oh, so smug.

Np here.

And unless you are the wealthy trust fund poster you are dependent as well. Why do you angry moms fail to realize your dependency? Most of us are dependent to some extent so unless you are Amish or really into simple living/ self sufficiency then I wouldn't be so smug about a job that can easily be taken away or disappear.

My job could go away, but I could find another one in the same field. It's not like I've been out of the workforce for years or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the pp who made the contributing to society point. I wasn't talking about SAHMs vs WOHMs. I was taking about the SAHM who referred so snootily to the 'minimum wage childcare workers.' and I stand by my claim that the wonderful women at my son's daycare contribute more to society - helping ease the burdens of so many working parents by providing such loving care to the kids - than a few hours of volunteer work a week. They contribute more to society than I do, too. Difference is, I'd never look down on them. Especially if they were working to provide for their families and I wasn't. Ugh.

How are you not working for your family by being a SAHM? Boggles my mind.

I agree that everyone deserves respect.

But somehow WOHPs do, or outsource, the work SAHMs do, all while having jobs.

[Anonymous]

"Since SAHMs are so lowly to you, perhaps you WOH because the work of SAHM and the child care providers you love and defend so dearly is beneath you. snooty, snooty, snooty.... "

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

[Anonymous]

"Sometimes I think he resents that I SAHM, because a lot of his friends co-workers have fancier stuff than us...but, since I SAHM he also comes home to dinner ready just about every night, I'm available to run errands during the day, so we are never doing them on the weekend, etc. "

Your DH would really love me. My DH comes home to dinner on the table most nights, which I cook after working a 9 hour day because I get home first. I run errands (as does he) before and after work and on lunch hour so our weekends are freed up.

[Anonymous]

No, but I resent that he travels all the time for work and leaves to deal with the kids, the dog, the house, and a full time job of my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my children were very small, yes, I had some resentment (not very secret at all).

In retrospect my resentment was misplaced. What I should have resented was/is the lack of infrastructure in this country for maternity leave benefits. If we had a good system here, including paid maternity leave for an extended period of time (as e.g. Canada does), parents and children would benefit.

<smacks head on desk> NO. You should resent yourself for not realizing all this before you had kids, and not positioning your life better.

It's not an either/or proposition. You can be both realistic about your and DH's career and work-life balance, while at the same time working towards better *parental* leave benefits (not just maternity).

BTW, what are YOU doing to help secure parental leave benefits besides complain on an anonymous board. (FWIW, I WOTH FT and you bet that I've agitated my superiors and participated in industry conferences for better parental leave practices for our company/industry.)

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think the OP’s original post lacks accountability. She is resentful because her DH does not make enough so that she can quit her job and stay home (paraphrased of course). So she is placing the entire blame for the situation on her DH and his lack of income. I think OP needs to look in the mirror. Did she just wake up last week and decide that she wanted to SAH?” Did she just realize that DH made X dollars a year? Probably not!

I would be more sympathetic had she said something like “I am resentful of the situation because I would like to SAH, but DH and I failed to adequately plan for it.” Hell, she works too and she could have been putting money in the bank or doing something to facilitate the SAH transition. Or she could have taken a high paying job before the kids and banked it with the expectation that she would SAH once she had kids. But to point at her DH and say “It is his fault and I resent HIM because I cannot SAH” shows me that she is not owning up to her share of the blame. She should resent herself too.

[Anonymous]

"BTW, what are YOU doing to help secure parental leave benefits besides complain on an anonymous board. (FWIW, I WOTH FT and you bet that I've agitated my superiors and participated in industry conferences for better parental leave practices for our company/industry.) "


Nothing. I was, and am, happy to work within the existing system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Since SAHMs are so lowly to you, perhaps you WOH because the work of SAHM and the child care providers you love and defend so dearly is beneath you. snooty, snooty, snooty.... "

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

I get that. But I am a SAHM and DH doesn't make any of those decisions without me either. My contribution to our family and household makes me a true partner as well. He knows he could not do what he does and have what he has if I didn't do what I do. His entire paycheck goes into our joint account and I manage the money. Our marriage is based on mutual respect and DH does not disrespect me for not contributing a paycheck to our family. We decide everything together - neither of us would tell the other to go jump in lake over any issue - we'd work to find a compromise. Could he up and leave me one day? Well, I suppose so - and breaking up our family would be devastating to me in so many more ways than financial - re-entering the workforce would likely be challenging, but as the old saying goes, necessity breeds invention, I would find a way, as I suspect, we all would if tragedy struck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that at least some of these jabs at SAH moms really are about class envy. In my heart of hearts--and I don't feel proud of this assumption--but when I see lexus SUV driving, well educated, well coiffed, SAH moms hitting the gym for their yoga class, I realize that there is a part of me that is simply envious about the economic freedom that choice seems to represent. Its not that I want to SAH (and not that I resent DH because he doesn't make enough for me to SAH), its that the choice to SAH seems to represent a fair amount of economic freedom. I know that is not the case--that in some families there is a real financial sacrifice (and in some cases it is a wash--in mine, my salary is not much greater than my childcare costs)--but I think that what fuels some of the jabs at SAH mothers (really the dads dont get this much criticism lobbed at them) it's not really about them conforming to some stereotype so much as it is about money. so yeah, if I were to be dismissive of a SAHM, its not because I don't respect her choice--its probably because I'm envious that she had the choice and I don't.

Nope. I don't respect it. dH makes $350k+/year so I could easily stay home, but it's a dynamic we don't choose for our family. Kids are better off with a WAH mom that is fulfilled and that extra $150k I bring to the table is great spending $. I pick up and drop off kids e eryday from school so I have same hours with my kids as any SAHm so I don't but the bullshit excuses.

Your scenario sounds fantastic. I am a SAHM and would love to WAH during school hours when DCs are in school full time. Just curious, before your DCs were in school, did you WAH too? Unfortunately, telecommuting or WAH opportunities are not available in abundance or are not totally mainstream in a lot of industries (I hope you don't find this to be a BS excuse) - the industry I left involved long hours and travel. I have enough of a skill set that I could do a subset of the work I used to do - but setting up the home office, putting myself out there after being absent for a few years, organizing myself enough to be ready to go out and form a base of clients - seems so daunting while still caring for kids that are not in school yet. I wish there were more resources/mentors to help guide SAHM to re-create what they used to do into something more family friendly. I know I could sure use some guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who's so offended by my use of the term "gender stereotyping": First off, when men start opting to stay home as often as women do, then maybe it won't be a gender sterotype. But until then, yes, it's somehow usually the woman's job to leave the work force and stay home taking care of the kids and the house. (Because she makes so much less money. And I won't even go into why THAT'S the case.) And second, let's not forget what gave you your much-vaunted "choice": a husband. No man, no "choice". No wonder you're so defensive. Face it; some of us decided to stay home and our kids did great. Others decided to work and our kids also did great. Neither option guarantees a perfect outcome, as you will one day realize.

I understand what a stereotype is. What I am asking you to understand is that making the decision to SAH was not driven by stereotypes, or because DH expected me to, because 'society' expected me to, or because I was less skilled or making so much less than DH. I was making slightly more. I wanted to care for my own children full time. You apparently think it makes no difference whether children have a SAH parent - I beg to differ.

You might think this is terribly old-fashioned too, but um, no husband, no "child." At least in my case. And who said anything about having idealized visions of "perfect outcomes?" Things are not "perfect", even now. But please do not reduce my decision to dedicate some years full time to my kids as a poor little woman succumbing to stereotypes.

I agreed up until the part of making a difference having a SAH parent. I think you can SAH and kids do great and you can WAH and kids do great. You could even be coming up with a hybrid of being part-time when the kids are older and the kids can do great. Believe it or not I know people with happy well-adjusted kids in college where the parents covered the spectrum of work situations including single mom. If you think about it our parents generation Had SAH parents and you still had crime, addiction, affairs, abuse, all the human failings that have been around since the beginning of time. IF you want to say it was important to you, go ahead. The minute you start to imply somehow someone with a different choice is going to resign their kids to a certain path, I have to disagree.

I believe it. And likewise, there are families that consist of a SAHM and a full time WOH DH that are happy, loving and secure and in which this arrangement does not mean that anyone is resentful, selfish, lazy, dumb, bizarre, 1950s mindset, overwhelmed, stressed about their role, powerless, absentee spouse/father or fill in the blank with the many assumptions made on this thread. Believe it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my children were very small, yes, I had some resentment (not very secret at all).

In retrospect my resentment was misplaced. What I should have resented was/is the lack of infrastructure in this country for maternity leave benefits. If we had a good system here, including paid maternity leave for an extended period of time (as e.g. Canada does), parents and children would benefit.

<smacks head on desk> NO. You should resent yourself for not realizing all this before you had kids, and not positioning your life better.

"not positioning your life better"

Is this DCUM-speak for, "not marrying a man who earns a lot of money"? Because if that is not what it means, I don't know what else it means.

My DH is a teacher. He influences the lives of hundreds of kids in positive ways, and he is a true partner at home. I earn 3x what he does. I "positioned my life" just fine. I would marry DH a million times over again - I would not "position" anything differently.

I have the misfortune, however, to have been born and live in the only industrialized country in the world without paid maternity leave. I didn't have any control over that "positioning."

http://www.mediabistro.com/mediajobsdaily/u-s-now-only-industrialized-nation-without-mandatory-paid-parental-leave_b2819

*smacks head on desk* indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"BTW, what are YOU doing to help secure parental leave benefits besides complain on an anonymous board. (FWIW, I WOTH FT and you bet that I've agitated my superiors and participated in industry conferences for better parental leave practices for our company/industry.) "

Nothing. I was, and am, happy to work within the existing system.

You have no sympathy for parents who can't afford $1800/month for daycare? Parents who have to work three jobs to make ends meet? Mothers who are afforded zero job security if they can't return to work in 8 weeks (assuming, of course, that they're employed by a large enough corporation for at least a year)--even in the event of a c-section or a child in the NICU? Parents who work for companies that don't subsidize health insurance? Public schools that don't provide aftercare to ensure that working parents can work a standard 8 hour day? And, no, not everyone can plan for illness or being laid off or not having adequate health insurance or that they will have healthy babies.

Do you read the newspapers? Can you not understand the dire economic circumstances that many parents find themselves in despite planning to the best of their abilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Since SAHMs are so lowly to you, perhaps you WOH because the work of SAHM and the child care providers you love and defend so dearly is beneath you. snooty, snooty, snooty.... "

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

Partnerships of the sort that you described are born out of respect and yes, emotion about each other, and not out of the fact that all checks require two signatures. It's kind of sad that you feel your husband can't make major purchases or decisions only because he physically can't, and not because loving spouses do not do that to each other. I don't get why you find this brag-worthy.

What allows you the option of telling your husband to jump in a lake is not the fact of you working. It's the fact of you having money. If your money came from your family, you'd have the same option, without working a day in your life. Heiresses in the 19th century had the same option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Since SAHMs are so lowly to you, perhaps you WOH because the work of SAHM and the child care providers you love and defend so dearly is beneath you. snooty, snooty, snooty.... "

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

I also find this post troubling. I am sorry that your marriage is based on the fact that you bring home a paycheck and can hold it over your husband. I'd also be curious to see where your marriage is in 10+ years.