Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

I am annoyed by people telling othe people their marriages are sad. I am so happy that I don't carry around a lot of judgement towards people who make different life decisions from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

I also find this post troubling. I am sorry that your marriage is based on the fact that you bring home a paycheck and can hold it over your husband. I'd also be curious to see where your marriage is in 10+ years.

If you think that believe that marriage is immune from the power of the purse, you are naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

I also find this post troubling. I am sorry that your marriage is based on the fact that you bring home a paycheck and can hold it over your husband. I'd also be curious to see where your marriage is in 10+ years.

If you think that believe that marriage is immune from the power of the purse, you are naive.

And if you think the power of the purse if going to save your marriage, then you're deluded.

[Anonymous]

"My contribution to our family and household makes me a true partner as well. He knows he could not do what he does and have what he has if I didn't do what I do."

This is just pablum. My DH manages a prestigious, high paying career and I WOH FT.

[Anonymous]

""not positioning your life better"

Is this DCUM-speak for, "not marrying a man who earns a lot of money"? Because if that is not what it means, I don't know what else it means. "

Means being financially secure before I procreated. In my case, it was through money I earned and saved, not my DH's or my family's money.

[Anonymous]

"You have no sympathy for parents who can't afford $1800/month for daycare? Parents who have to work three jobs to make ends meet? Mothers who are afforded zero job security if they can't return to work in 8 weeks (assuming, of course, that they're employed by a large enough corporation for at least a year)--even in the event of a c-section or a child in the NICU? Parents who work for companies that don't subsidize health insurance? Public schools that don't provide aftercare to ensure that working parents can work a standard 8 hour day? And, no, not everyone can plan for illness or being laid off or not having adequate health insurance or that they will have healthy babies.

Do you read the newspapers? Can you not understand the dire economic circumstances that many parents find themselves in despite planning to the best of their abilities? "

I didn't say I lacked sympathy (although licensed in home daycare in Fairfax County is much less than $1800 a month.....). I said I'm not working to change the status quo.

[Anonymous]

"What allows you the option of telling your husband to jump in a lake is not the fact of you working. It's the fact of you having money. If your money came from your family, you'd have the same option, without working a day in your life. Heiresses in the 19th century had the same option. "

Wrong, it's my income-earning potential, not the fact that I'd get half our joint assets if we ever divorced.

[Anonymous]

"I also find this post troubling. I am sorry that your marriage is based on the fact that you bring home a paycheck and can hold it over your husband. I'd also be curious to see where your marriage is in 10+ years."

Where did I say my marriage is "based" on this fact? Financial issues don't make any difference in the balance of power in your marriage? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

I also find this post troubling. I am sorry that your marriage is based on the fact that you bring home a paycheck and can hold it over your husband. I'd also be curious to see where your marriage is in 10+ years.

If you think that believe that marriage is immune from the power of the purse, you are naive.

And if you think the power of the purse if going to save your marriage, then you're deluded.

No one said that the power of the purse was going to "save" one's marriage. However, you need to realize that not having any income whatsoever does put you at the financial mercy of your spouse, however benevolent he may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" He is a devoted husband and father and feels closer to the kids because I spend so much time with them"

Absentee spouse and father feels closer to the kids because YOU spend so time with them. WTF?

Try reading the entire post rather than look for pieces to pull out and pounce on. I repeat. he works long hours, BUT MANAGES THE FAMILY TIME PRETTY WELL. He is in no way, shape or form, an absentee spouse or father. Would we love it if he was home by 5 every afternoon - yes! But that just isn't our reality.

And yes, because DH and I talk several times a day about all the cute stuff the baby did and what's going on with the older DCs, even while he is away, he feels connected. That does mean that is his ONLY interaction with us. Geesh, people.

whatever works for you - fine

But talking about the kids is NOT the same as parenting them. You may as well send him videos when he's away. What's the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

I also find this post troubling. I am sorry that your marriage is based on the fact that you bring home a paycheck and can hold it over your husband. I'd also be curious to see where your marriage is in 10+ years.

NP. I make about 25% more than my husband. I agree that it is important that a woman be able to support herself and be able to walk away if the marriage goes bad. I agree that it is important that the financial decisions be ones based on partnership. I like the idea that we have two incomes because it makes us more financially stable. It makes us better able to save for retirement and for our kids' college.

We've been married 19 years. We love and respect each other. We take care of each other. It's a marriage of equals, not a marriage in which either partner can hold anything over the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

I also find this post troubling. I am sorry that your marriage is based on the fact that you bring home a paycheck and can hold it over your husband. I'd also be curious to see where your marriage is in 10+ years.

If you think that believe that marriage is immune from the power of the purse, you are naive.

And if you think the power of the purse if going to save your marriage, then you're deluded.

No one said that the power of the purse was going to "save" one's marriage. However, you need to realize that not having any income whatsoever does put you at the financial mercy of your spouse, however benevolent he may be.

Yes, I agree to a certain extent. But do you realize that you can also have an income and not see it as a way to gain more power in the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Since SAHMs are so lowly to you, perhaps you WOH because the work of SAHM and the child care providers you love and defend so dearly is beneath you. snooty, snooty, snooty.... "

In part, yes. Another key reason is that my working allows me to tell DH to go jump in a lake. My mother, and my grandmother before her, were frustrated at times with their lack of "hand" in their marriages. My DH can't make any decisions without my concurrence, because I make more than half the money. He can't just come home one day and say the family is moving because he took a new job. He can't make major purchases without my say so. We have a real partnership, not based on benevolence or emotion.

I'm the original poster the first person was responding to, and am not the second pp.

I'm confused - are you asking if I work because taking care of my kid is beneath me? I honestly have no idea what the point is that you're trying to make.
I'm not at all snooty. I adore my son's childcare providers and have enormous respect for them. What I don't respect is the earlier SAHM who wouldn't presume to leave childcare to a 'minimum wage worker.'

I agree with the pp that both spouses working absolutely allows for more equality in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:""not positioning your life better"

Is this DCUM-speak for, "not marrying a man who earns a lot of money"? Because if that is not what it means, I don't know what else it means. "

Means being financially secure before I procreated. In my case, it was through money I earned and saved, not my DH's or my family's money.

So no one should procreate until s/he has enough funds to SAH with her baby for a year or two, regardless of her DH's income (and certainly if the family cannot live on the DH's income), just in case later she decides she'd like to do that?

And anything less is "not positioning your life" well?

Is that what you are saying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:""not positioning your life better"

Is this DCUM-speak for, "not marrying a man who earns a lot of money"? Because if that is not what it means, I don't know what else it means. "

Means being financially secure before I procreated. In my case, it was through money I earned and saved, not my DH's or my family's money.

So no one should procreate until s/he has enough funds to SAH with her baby for a year or two, regardless of her DH's income (and certainly if the family cannot live on the DH's income), just in case later she decides she'd like to do that?

And anything less is "not positioning your life" well?

Is that what you are saying?

No, I think she's saying that you don't have much of a right to blame your DH for not being able to fulfill your SAH dreams, if you didn't plan and save for it.