Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"This is our situation too. My husband also feels closer to kids because I am with them and knows what happened throughout the day. He can hear firsthand account from me, not from a piece of paper. "

Absentee spouse and father feels CLOSER to the kids?

If he's considered an absentee spouse and father, then sorry, you are also an absentee spouse and mother.

You should be sorry because you make no sense.

Do you know my husband or our family life? The point is, if he, a working parent, is considered "absentee", then any other working parent out there is also "absentee."

I don't get your logic at all but fine whatever I don't think it's worth pursuing.

[Anonymous]

"And yes, because DH and I talk several times a day about all the cute stuff the baby did and what's going on with the older DCs, even while he is away, he feels connected. That does mean that is his ONLY interaction with us. Geesh, people. "

You CHOSE these words in your reponse. What else can we think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"And yes, because DH and I talk several times a day about all the cute stuff the baby did and what's going on with the older DCs, even while he is away, he feels connected. That does mean that is his ONLY interaction with us. Geesh, people. "

You CHOSE these words in your reponse. What else can we think?

You are to think that I was typing fast and omitted a word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ooookay, Donna Reed. What options did DH have if "it goes both ways"?

Option #1: He could have decided not to marry me, because he knew my desire to care for my own children should we have any before we married. But it made him love me more, not scare him away.

Option #2: He could have stayed home and I would have stayed in the job that was making more than his at the time (his salary has now far surpassed that) I would have supported that if he had a strong desire to SAH, but I wanted to more than he did.

Option #3: He could have balked post birth of first DC and said he's changed his mind about being the sole provider and we would have worked something else out. (There was a short period of time (a few months) when things were tough in the beginning of DH's career and I did contract work to help out - I didn't throw my hands up in the air and say "its all you, babe!"

Option #4: He could have decided that he did not want to have two more DCs after the first if the pressure was too much.





I wasn't the poster that asked if things went both ways (were you willing for DH to be the SAH) but I had the same question. I totally respect your answer. I think your willingness to work towards being able to stay at home, willingness to let DH be SAH if he wanted, and willingness to take on extra work when you needed to is a far cry from expecting to be supported and any assumption that to had to be the woman's role to do x.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the pp who made the contributing to society point. I wasn't talking about SAHMs vs WOHMs. I was taking about the SAHM who referred so snootily to the 'minimum wage childcare workers.' and I stand by my claim that the wonderful women at my son's daycare contribute more to society - helping ease the burdens of so many working parents by providing such loving care to the kids - than a few hours of volunteer work a week. They contribute more to society than I do, too. Difference is, I'd never look down on them. Especially if they were working to provide for their families and I wasn't. Ugh.

Let me get this straight. You are sooooooo offended by PPs remarks about women who earn low wages, but you have no problem looking down your nose at SAHMs because they earn no wages. High and mighty only when it suits you. Since SAHMs are so lowly to you, perhaps you WOH because the work of SAHM and the child care providers you love and defend so dearly is beneath you. snooty, snooty, snooty....

Huh? Not the poster you're responding to, but this makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who's so offended by my use of the term "gender stereotyping": First off, when men start opting to stay home as often as women do, then maybe it won't be a gender sterotype. But until then, yes, it's somehow usually the woman's job to leave the work force and stay home taking care of the kids and the house. (Because she makes so much less money. And I won't even go into why THAT'S the case.) And second, let's not forget what gave you your much-vaunted "choice": a husband. No man, no "choice". No wonder you're so defensive. Face it; some of us decided to stay home and our kids did great. Others decided to work and our kids also did great. Neither option guarantees a perfect outcome, as you will one day realize.

I understand what a stereotype is. What I am asking you to understand is that making the decision to SAH was not driven by stereotypes, or because DH expected me to, because 'society' expected me to, or because I was less skilled or making so much less than DH. I was making slightly more. I wanted to care for my own children full time. You apparently think it makes no difference whether children have a SAH parent - I beg to differ.

You might think this is terribly old-fashioned too, but um, no husband, no "child." At least in my case. And who said anything about having idealized visions of "perfect outcomes?" Things are not "perfect", even now. But please do not reduce my decision to dedicate some years full time to my kids as a poor little woman succumbing to stereotypes.

I agreed up until the part of making a difference having a SAH parent. I think you can SAH and kids do great and you can WAH and kids do great. You could even be coming up with a hybrid of being part-time when the kids are older and the kids can do great. Believe it or not I know people with happy well-adjusted kids in college where the parents covered the spectrum of work situations including single mom. If you think about it our parents generation Had SAH parents and you still had crime, addiction, affairs, abuse, all the human failings that have been around since the beginning of time. IF you want to say it was important to you, go ahead. The minute you start to imply somehow someone with a different choice is going to resign their kids to a certain path, I have to disagree.

[Anonymous]

I'm late to this thread...so I'm just answering the original question...

I am a SAHM. Does my Dh "earn enough?" I guess that's subjective. We live out in the 'burbs where houses are cheaper (but his job is out here, so I guess that's not too much of a sacrifice! )

We don't go on the fancy vacations I see a lot of people post about on here. Our vacations usually consist of camping, or hotels we are able to get for free with rewards points (he travels a lot for work and has been able to rack up quite a few!).

I don't own fancy jewelery, at all. I don't have nice handbags. I buy most my clothes from Costco or Target, and even then, I don't have a lot. We don't have ipads, Iphones, kindles, or even DVR on our tv.

Sometimes I think he resents that I SAHM, because a lot of his friends co-workers have fancier stuff than us...but, since I SAHM he also comes home to dinner ready just about every night, I'm available to run errands during the day, so we are never doing them on the weekend, etc.

[Anonymous]

Yes, choosing to be a SAHM is choosing a stereotypical gender role so long as 98% of SAH parents continue to be WOMEN.

You may have your reasons, but it s a stereotype nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about you make more money so DH can stay home with the kids? Maybe he secretly resents you.

This is us and I secretly resent that he can't get a job that pays enough not only for daycare for our two kids, but also enough for me to work part time. Right now, he can't find anything that pays more than what we'd pay for daycare for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that at least some of these jabs at SAH moms really are about class envy. In my heart of hearts--and I don't feel proud of this assumption--but when I see lexus SUV driving, well educated, well coiffed, SAH moms hitting the gym for their yoga class, I realize that there is a part of me that is simply envious about the economic freedom that choice seems to represent. Its not that I want to SAH (and not that I resent DH because he doesn't make enough for me to SAH), its that the choice to SAH seems to represent a fair amount of economic freedom. I know that is not the case--that in some families there is a real financial sacrifice (and in some cases it is a wash--in mine, my salary is not much greater than my childcare costs)--but I think that what fuels some of the jabs at SAH mothers (really the dads dont get this much criticism lobbed at them) it's not really about them conforming to some stereotype so much as it is about money. so yeah, if I were to be dismissive of a SAHM, its not because I don't respect her choice--its probably because I'm envious that she had the choice and I don't.

Nope. I don't respect it. dH makes $350k+/year so I could easily stay home, but it's a dynamic we don't choose for our family. Kids are better off with a WAH mom that is fulfilled and that extra $150k I bring to the table is great spending $. I pick up and drop off kids e eryday from school so I have same hours with my kids as any SAHm so I don't but the bullshit excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I am the same Type A I was prior to kids, only I channel my energy into my job as a SAHM now."

How much Type A energy does it take to deal with the boredom and drudgery of child care and housework?

Meaning you dominate the PTA? Type A SAHMs are the absolute worst combo.

[Anonymous]

"I CAN tell you - that I am not claiming that our decision is better than anyone else's. It was just best for us - it makes a difference for us. "

Okay then, thanks for the explanation. Please don't generalize your experience to other families. I was able to talk to my children throughout the day although DH and I both WOH because they were with our nanny. I do not have a personality that requires that I do everything myself. I was a much happier mother because I maintained some small semblance of my pre baby life - my work. "Splitting my priorities" - ie, multitasking, is something I'm good at, and it doesn't stress me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I am the same Type A I was prior to kids, only I channel my energy into my job as a SAHM now."

How much Type A energy does it take to deal with the boredom and drudgery of child care and housework?

I would say more than it takes to work a boring 9-5 office job staring at a computer.

Completely wrong. I can parent when I'm really sick, but I can't work. Then again, I don't have a boring office job either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here, and, yes, I do (resent my husband). For me, though, it's not about wanting to SAH full time, but to work part time. I have two little ones 1 and 3, and feel like I am missing out on the most formative years with them.

I work a full-time job, and and then also am expected to do all the cooking, grocery shopping, kids activities, lucn prep, weekend meal prep, etc. My husband won't even help take the kids to music class, dance class, birthday parties on the weekends (anytime he grudgingly agrees it is because of a fight), so I am running ragged on the weekends trying to crunch in everything. I have no time to myself at all.

Ideally, I would love to maintain my career by working part time and then have 2 days during the week that I am home with the kids, in addition to weekends, so we could do the mom-kids things that I envy SAHMs get to do with their kids. I wish my husband would help co-parent more, and help with other things around the house. Even simple things like home maintenance, he just says "NO" and then expects me to call the handyman, etc.

Did your husband even want kids? Why did you have a second child with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my children were very small, yes, I had some resentment (not very secret at all).

In retrospect my resentment was misplaced. What I should have resented was/is the lack of infrastructure in this country for maternity leave benefits. If we had a good system here, including paid maternity leave for an extended period of time (as e.g. Canada does), parents and children would benefit.

<smacks head on desk> NO. You should resent yourself for not realizing all this before you had kids, and not positioning your life better.