I went to visit a swingers club for the first time. AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do men actually end up hooking up with a woman at these places? I would imagine that most of the women are there mainly because they enjoy being sexy/desired or they are bi-curious. I really think it’s rather rare that these women actually enjoy sexual encounters with random dudes.

Why can’t the men be bi curious and also interested in being desired by men or women?

They can. I have no doubt that a lot of dudes end up hooking up with each other at these places. My question was how often do men actually end up hooking up with a women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

DP. I always hate the vibe where women have to go all out to be sexy and men wear a clean shirt too. But I’m not quite sure what you are saying above. What other type of swingers club were you imagining?

Women enjoy going all out to be sexy. They don’t “have” to do it. I’m guessing that’s tje motivating factor for most of the women who go. They enjoy being admired and listed after. Honestly I would enjoy that aspect as well. However the thought of having random sex with some anonymous dude is in no way appealing.

Not all women enjoy this. And the few who are frankly exhibitionist like OP don’t represent the majority. And it is more the disparity and the seemingly rigid divide that OP describes that bugs me. I am a bi woman so of course I would enjoy looking at a beautiful woman scantily clad. But a club that is designed purely for men to gawk at women, no thanks.

Honestly I think the women enjoy gawking at the beautiful scantily clad women as well. I can think of no other reason a woman would go.

I mean I am the one who doesn’t think this club is for me because it seems to just be a redux of vanilla gender roles. But OP herself explains that she enjoys being admired and even being an exhibitionist. So yes there are women who enjoy that. I guess I would rather see OP’s boundaries expanded a bit … if she enjoys showing off her goods and being admired, maybe she would ALSO enjoy teaching a man the right way to admire - perhaps he needs a little disciplining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do men actually end up hooking up with a woman at these places? I would imagine that most of the women are there mainly because they enjoy being sexy/desired or they are bi-curious. I really think it’s rather rare that these women actually enjoy sexual encounters with random dudes.

Why can’t the men be bi curious and also interested in being desired by men or women?

They can. I have no doubt that a lot of dudes end up hooking up with each other at these places. My question was how often do men actually end up hooking up with a women.

Really? I kind of got the picture that there was no guy-on-guy action involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do men actually end up hooking up with a woman at these places? I would imagine that most of the women are there mainly because they enjoy being sexy/desired or they are bi-curious. I really think it’s rather rare that these women actually enjoy sexual encounters with random dudes.

Why can’t the men be bi curious and also interested in being desired by men or women?

They can. I have no doubt that a lot of dudes end up hooking up with each other at these places. My question was how often do men actually end up hooking up with a women.

Really? I kind of got the picture that there was no guy-on-guy action involved.

From what I understand of these places, most don’t allow public guy on guy behavior, but have closed doors where this could happen.
My impression is that most of these guys aren’t really bi-sexual and would much rather hook up with a woman, but are very freaky sexually so would be willing to hook up with another dude if no better alternatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do men actually end up hooking up with a woman at these places? I would imagine that most of the women are there mainly because they enjoy being sexy/desired or they are bi-curious. I really think it’s rather rare that these women actually enjoy sexual encounters with random dudes.

Why can’t the men be bi curious and also interested in being desired by men or women?

They can. I have no doubt that a lot of dudes end up hooking up with each other at these places. My question was how often do men actually end up hooking up with a women.

Really? I kind of got the picture that there was no guy-on-guy action involved.

From what I understand of these places, most don’t allow public guy on guy behavior, but have closed doors where this could happen.
My impression is that most of these guys aren’t really bi-sexual and would much rather hook up with a woman, but are very freaky sexually so would be willing to hook up with another dude if no better alternatives.

But they have to go into a secret room? How odd.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still reading. My childhood best friend and her husband had an open marriage so I learned a lot about their activities. Then, when I was a lobbyist, I would go to conferences and lobby exec and legis branches and would lobby with the same group of other lobbyists. One came out has a swinger in an open marriage (during a happy hour at a very large industry conference) to all of our little group. At the time they were in their early 40s, very well educated, financially secure but couldn't have kids so they decided to just party for the rest of their lives. I've learned about the clubs, the cruises, the renting out of resorts. I've also learned that he has a 1-drink minimum if they are going to "play" but sometimes they just go to hang out, not play, and he'll drink more than 1. Or if his wife wants to play with women, he'll sit it out. He never told me anything about boy stuff so when we were catching up over zoom during covid, I asked him. He says he'll do it to please wife but it is not his preference and the men she plays with don't really want to be with each other so she's the star of the show (a used phrase). This is not my life but I find it absolutely fascinating. So let your freak flag fly and I'm amazed that you've kept this AMA on track and respectful. Well done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I am a woman in my 40s, white, petite.

So the bi guy bangs both you and your husband?

Sometimes both of us, sometimes I get all the attention. It actually opened my eyes how many men are bisexual.

This is confusing. Didn’t you just say your husband was straight ? Or it’s a different poster ?
OP - are you both straight ?

I am not the topic starter. I am the one who got dissapointed in group meetings. I am F straight, my partner M bi.

In your experience, men who enjoy both types of threesomes MFM and FMF - are they more commonly bisexual ? I can’t imagine being ok watching my partner having sex with someone else unless I was getting engaged with that 3rd person, too

I have never done FMF as I am as straight as can be. My partner is bisexual and I knew that from when we just began dating (15 years ago.) With 2 men there is no watching, you always participate. At least in my experience. I never feel left out.

So in these encounters do you watch your man getting pounded in the rear or giving a BJ to some dude? If so, is this enjoyable for you to watch?

Yes to both. Me and my partner can please another man, then both men please me. Its a dynamic, not something set in stone (aka two guys just giving bjs to each other.) Its very liberating to not have limits with 2 men that are not afraid to touch each other.

So after he the third pleases your husband, does he change condoms going into you ? Aren’t you worried that condoms don’t fully protect ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

DP. I always hate the vibe where women have to go all out to be sexy and men wear a clean shirt too. But I’m not quite sure what you are saying above. What other type of swingers club were you imagining?

Women enjoy going all out to be sexy. They don’t “have” to do it. I’m guessing that’s tje motivating factor for most of the women who go. They enjoy being admired and listed after. Honestly I would enjoy that aspect as well. However the thought of having random sex with some anonymous dude is in no way appealing.

Not all women enjoy this. And the few who are frankly exhibitionist like OP don’t represent the majority. And it is more the disparity and the seemingly rigid divide that OP describes that bugs me. I am a bi woman so of course I would enjoy looking at a beautiful woman scantily clad. But a club that is designed purely for men to gawk at women, no thanks.

Honestly I think the women enjoy gawking at the beautiful scantily clad women as well. I can think of no other reason a woman would go.

I mean I am the one who doesn’t think this club is for me because it seems to just be a redux of vanilla gender roles. But OP herself explains that she enjoys being admired and even being an exhibitionist. So yes there are women who enjoy that. I guess I would rather see OP’s boundaries expanded a bit … if she enjoys showing off her goods and being admired, maybe she would ALSO enjoy teaching a man the right way to admire - perhaps he needs a little disciplining?

I used to work with a woman who (in my imagination) was a dominatrix. She was an older x- Republican Sex kitten, meaning was a blond/blue/hot woman but was older , in her 60s when we worked together. She was do demanding. And single. But seemed very social. again with my imagination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I am a woman in my 40s, white, petite.

So the bi guy bangs both you and your husband?

Sometimes both of us, sometimes I get all the attention. It actually opened my eyes how many men are bisexual.

This is confusing. Didn’t you just say your husband was straight ? Or it’s a different poster ?
OP - are you both straight ?

I am not the topic starter. I am the one who got dissapointed in group meetings. I am F straight, my partner M bi.

In your experience, men who enjoy both types of threesomes MFM and FMF - are they more commonly bisexual ? I can’t imagine being ok watching my partner having sex with someone else unless I was getting engaged with that 3rd person, too

I have never done FMF as I am as straight as can be. My partner is bisexual and I knew that from when we just began dating (15 years ago.) With 2 men there is no watching, you always participate. At least in my experience. I never feel left out.

So in these encounters do you watch your man getting pounded in the rear or giving a BJ to some dude? If so, is this enjoyable for you to watch?

Yes to both. Me and my partner can please another man, then both men please me. Its a dynamic, not something set in stone (aka two guys just giving bjs to each other.) Its very liberating to not have limits with 2 men that are not afraid to touch each other.

So after he the third pleases your husband, does he change condoms going into you ? Aren’t you worried that condoms don’t fully protect ?

I'm the poster about the friends "in the life" and when they go on cruises or resort buy-outs, they have to send in STI testing that is less than 6 months old. They don't go to public clubs like OP is talking about. Rather they belong to groups where meet ups are planned online and same thing. to go, you upload testing results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad there's so much kink-shaming. At lot of you people in sex-starved, lonely marriages should look within and consider why you have so much shame and guilt over something so human

There is absolutely nothing natural about watching your partner engage in intimacy with another person.

You know what else isn't natural? Slacks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

DP. I always hate the vibe where women have to go all out to be sexy and men wear a clean shirt too. But I’m not quite sure what you are saying above. What other type of swingers club were you imagining?

Women enjoy going all out to be sexy. They don’t “have” to do it. I’m guessing that’s tje motivating factor for most of the women who go. They enjoy being admired and listed after. Honestly I would enjoy that aspect as well. However the thought of having random sex with some anonymous dude is in no way appealing.

Lusted after by guys who don’t make an effort beyond wearing a clean shirt? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

DP. I always hate the vibe where women have to go all out to be sexy and men wear a clean shirt too. But I’m not quite sure what you are saying above. What other type of swingers club were you imagining?

Women enjoy going all out to be sexy. They don’t “have” to do it. I’m guessing that’s tje motivating factor for most of the women who go. They enjoy being admired and listed after. Honestly I would enjoy that aspect as well. However the thought of having random sex with some anonymous dude is in no way appealing.

Not all women enjoy this. And the few who are frankly exhibitionist like OP don’t represent the majority. And it is more the disparity and the seemingly rigid divide that OP describes that bugs me. I am a bi woman so of course I would enjoy looking at a beautiful woman scantily clad. But a club that is designed purely for men to gawk at women, no thanks.

Honestly I think the women enjoy gawking at the beautiful scantily clad women as well. I can think of no other reason a woman would go.

I mean I am the one who doesn’t think this club is for me because it seems to just be a redux of vanilla gender roles. But OP herself explains that she enjoys being admired and even being an exhibitionist. So yes there are women who enjoy that. I guess I would rather see OP’s boundaries expanded a bit … if she enjoys showing off her goods and being admired, maybe she would ALSO enjoy teaching a man the right way to admire - perhaps he needs a little disciplining?

I used to work with a woman who (in my imagination) was a dominatrix. She was an older x- Republican Sex kitten, meaning was a blond/blue/hot woman but was older , in her 60s when we worked together. She was do demanding. And single. But seemed very social. again with my imagination.

Wow your imagination really sounds interesting! Tell us more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Most people in the lifestyle, like most people not in it, are into mainstream gender stuff. But I’m sure you can find subgroups in the lifestyle for gender non conforming people. (Not OP here, but I’m pretty sure I know where she went).

I don’t even need “gender nonconforming” but I think it would be pretty irritating and not a turn-on if the event just reprised mainstream pr0n scenarios. It’s supposed to be “swinging” but just for the edification of the men or for women like OP who specifically enjoy that?

DP. I always hate the vibe where women have to go all out to be sexy and men wear a clean shirt too. But I’m not quite sure what you are saying above. What other type of swingers club were you imagining?

Women enjoy going all out to be sexy. They don’t “have” to do it. I’m guessing that’s tje motivating factor for most of the women who go. They enjoy being admired and listed after. Honestly I would enjoy that aspect as well. However the thought of having random sex with some anonymous dude is in no way appealing.

Not all women enjoy this. And the few who are frankly exhibitionist like OP don’t represent the majority. And it is more the disparity and the seemingly rigid divide that OP describes that bugs me. I am a bi woman so of course I would enjoy looking at a beautiful woman scantily clad. But a club that is designed purely for men to gawk at women, no thanks.

Honestly I think the women enjoy gawking at the beautiful scantily clad women as well. I can think of no other reason a woman would go.

I mean I am the one who doesn’t think this club is for me because it seems to just be a redux of vanilla gender roles. But OP herself explains that she enjoys being admired and even being an exhibitionist. So yes there are women who enjoy that. I guess I would rather see OP’s boundaries expanded a bit … if she enjoys showing off her goods and being admired, maybe she would ALSO enjoy teaching a man the right way to admire - perhaps he needs a little disciplining?

I used to work with a woman who (in my imagination) was a dominatrix. She was an older x- Republican Sex kitten, meaning was a blond/blue/hot woman but was older , in her 60s when we worked together. She was do demanding. And single. But seemed very social. again with my imagination.

Wow your imagination really sounds interesting! Tell us more.

She gave out nearly zero information about her personal life so I had to fill it all in. What I know is that she was married to an older man who was a big Regan/Bush Republican fundraiser. He died; I think he was about 20 years older than her. They partied a lot together. She would tell me about some of the fundraising co-del type trips they would take. By the time I met her, I think she worked because she loved her job, not because she had to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad there's so much kink-shaming. At lot of you people in sex-starved, lonely marriages should look within and consider why you have so much shame and guilt over something so human

There is absolutely nothing natural about watching your partner engage in intimacy with another person.

You know what else isn't natural? Slacks.

😂😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do men actually end up hooking up with a woman at these places? I would imagine that most of the women are there mainly because they enjoy being sexy/desired or they are bi-curious. I really think it’s rather rare that these women actually enjoy sexual encounters with random dudes.

Why can’t the men be bi curious and also interested in being desired by men or women?

They can. I have no doubt that a lot of dudes end up hooking up with each other at these places. My question was how often do men actually end up hooking up with a women.

Really? I kind of got the picture that there was no guy-on-guy action involved.

From what I understand of these places, most don’t allow public guy on guy behavior, but have closed doors where this could happen.
My impression is that most of these guys aren’t really bi-sexual and would much rather hook up with a woman, but are very freaky sexually so would be willing to hook up with another dude if no better alternatives.

But they have to go into a secret room? How odd.

It is odd. Swinger or 'lifestyle' culture is very heteronormative, unless it's two women. Double standard.