Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Yawn.

Are you always this absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

Are you also a lazy bum husband worried the gravy train may end soon? Yawn.

I’m a married woman who does more than 50% of the household chores and childcare.

Now answer the question, drama queen.

[Anonymous]

The most revealing post to me was when OP said that when her husband lost his job, she coddled him and did everything.

OP, kindly, you are getting something out of that kind of behavior. You and your husband have some kind of symbiosis where you take over and her retreats from doing.

I think there is some kind of entrenched dynamic in your marriage where you do everything and make many of the choices and he feels controlled and discouraged and no sense of empowerment -- a lot of people react to that by losing energy and so they feel tired all the time.

You need to dramatically change your whole dynamic if you want to stay married. You release control, he feels empowered to actually make choices and live his life. He'll feel mor free, and you will respect him again. This kid thing feels like a red herring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 is such a fun age! She could work out alongside you, you could bring her in a jogging stroller. Dang my 3 year olds helped me clean, bake, weed or just farted around the house on their own. Such a fun age.

OP, is your DD kind of high maintenance or mellow? Lunch could be cheerios, frozen fruit in yogurt, hard boiled eggs... nap is throw them in their crib with 40 board books and a white noise machine...

If DD has fussier needs, I could see that alone time being precious but Id rather build more positive time together vs avoiding her

But it’s SO HARD! How could she survive with only 4.5 hours of alone time rather than 5! And how could she bear that grave injustice of her misogynistic husband getting 5.5 hours of alone time to her 4.5 on that one day! OP is a boss lady who won’t let anyone walk all over her and make her spend time with her child for an extra 30 minutes, no way would she suffer that indignity.

But it’s SO HARD! How can he be expected to feed his own child lunch and put her down for a nap, as he agreed to do, because he’s TIRED?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would hire a nanny on Saturdays for the day so you can both get some rest. This doesn’t mean that you don’t get to spend any time with your daughter at all that day. You can still play with your daughter while the nanny supports you with cleanup, laundry, etc. if you’d like. It just gives you both some much needed downtime.

I'm guessing their child has a terrible bedtime routine and very late bedtime. My kids at age 3 were in their beds at 7pm. DH and I had 3-4 hours of alone time every single night, and nap time on weekends. That was plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would hire a nanny on Saturdays for the day so you can both get some rest. This doesn’t mean that you don’t get to spend any time with your daughter at all that day. You can still play with your daughter while the nanny supports you with cleanup, laundry, etc. if you’d like. It just gives you both some much needed downtime.

I'm guessing their child has a terrible bedtime routine and very late bedtime. My kids at age 3 were in their beds at 7pm. DH and I had 3-4 hours of alone time every single night, and nap time on weekends. That was plenty.

I also base this on the fact that OP listed going down for the nap as part of the chore. Nap for us was close the curtains, put them in bed, kiss and leave.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

Yawn.

Are you always this absurdly melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

Are you also a lazy bum husband worried the gravy train may end soon? Yawn.

I’m a married woman who does more than 50% of the household chores and childcare.

Now answer the question, drama queen.

More than 50%? So pathetic. Like your husband, I also don't take orders from you or do your bidding. But nice try!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most revealing post to me was when OP said that when her husband lost his job, she coddled him and did everything.

OP, kindly, you are getting something out of that kind of behavior. You and your husband have some kind of symbiosis where you take over and her retreats from doing.

I think there is some kind of entrenched dynamic in your marriage where you do everything and make many of the choices and he feels controlled and discouraged and no sense of empowerment -- a lot of people react to that by losing energy and so they feel tired all the time.

You need to dramatically change your whole dynamic if you want to stay married. You release control, he feels empowered to actually make choices and live his life. He'll feel mor free, and you will respect him again. This kid thing feels like a red herring.

Yep, that's the most that made me realize this marriage was unsalvageable. It was never just about having 30 more minutes of free time. There's a whole lot more going on and its been going on for years. He's not going to suddenly just up and change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 is such a fun age! She could work out alongside you, you could bring her in a jogging stroller. Dang my 3 year olds helped me clean, bake, weed or just farted around the house on their own. Such a fun age.

OP, is your DD kind of high maintenance or mellow? Lunch could be cheerios, frozen fruit in yogurt, hard boiled eggs... nap is throw them in their crib with 40 board books and a white noise machine...

If DD has fussier needs, I could see that alone time being precious but Id rather build more positive time together vs avoiding her

But it’s SO HARD! How could she survive with only 4.5 hours of alone time rather than 5! And how could she bear that grave injustice of her misogynistic husband getting 5.5 hours of alone time to her 4.5 on that one day! OP is a boss lady who won’t let anyone walk all over her and make her spend time with her child for an extra 30 minutes, no way would she suffer that indignity.

But it’s SO HARD! How can he be expected to feed his own child lunch and put her down for a nap, as he agreed to do, because he’s TIRED?!

Yes, of course, they both obviously need to stop whining about how hard it is to take care of one three year old. They clearly don’t like spending time with their child (or each other) if they are engaging in this tit for tat bean counting behavior where they are treating her like a burden to pass off on the other. My god, they each still get a good half a day to themselves…that is pretty unheard of among my circles. And the next day they spend together, where 2 adults to one child is really not that hard. These people need some resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

OP, there are so many women like you out there doing more than their partners in every single area. I said upthread that we women must understand that men resist the loss of their traditional prerogatives at all costs. They think your sacrifices are more than reasonable given the prize you landed - them. They will let you work yourself into the grave. This is why men do not compromise on their leisure time and hobbies no matter who earns more. My father stopped working 15 years ago, but my mother worked until last year. When she stopped cooking he started eating out. He does the same things around the house he did when he worked: repairs and some yard work. No cleaning or organizing. Many men are like this. We have just convinced ourselves that they are not because our entry into the workforce decades ago made it nearly impossible for us to maintain the same standards of home and family care. Men will let the house come to resemble a tenement before they lift a finger doing things they regard as unnecessary - i.e. chores that do not bring profit, power/prestige, or pleasure. None of the SAHDs I know keeps the house half as clean as most SAHMs do. Just trying to picture your DH -- or anyone's husband -- carefully preparing and lovingly packing a lunch for you. You cannot even imagine it, can it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would hire a nanny on Saturdays for the day so you can both get some rest. This doesn’t mean that you don’t get to spend any time with your daughter at all that day. You can still play with your daughter while the nanny supports you with cleanup, laundry, etc. if you’d like. It just gives you both some much needed downtime.

I'm guessing their child has a terrible bedtime routine and very late bedtime. My kids at age 3 were in their beds at 7pm. DH and I had 3-4 hours of alone time every single night, and nap time on weekends. That was plenty.

I also base this on the fact that OP listed going down for the nap as part of the chore. Nap for us was close the curtains, put them in bed, kiss and leave.

Actually, it sounds like OP spends the downtime every evening either finishing up work or doing chores and prepping for the next day. She doesn’t have time to rest.

[Anonymous]

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

OP as a single mom by choice, I feel your fierce acknowledgement of how hard it is. I signed up for this life; ie doing it all and earning to boot. I'm a physician, so I earn a high salary as well. But it's exhausting, and it's hard to imagine being nickel and dimed for the rare personal time I have. The part about working out at home spoke to me; I have to leave the house to work out or DD is in the room every 5 minutes. I hire a nanny for those times, so it solves that problem, but then again, I don't have a partner to share the special moments. So there's always a tradeoff.

When you describe your past as a couple, especially with the job loss, the seeds of resentment seem planted at that time. It would take work to undo in therapy, but without a concerted effort you sound pretty much done, and I don't blame you. While that may be the ultimate outcome, you won't regret genuinely trying to work through things, no matter the outcome. Even if it ends, you'll know you did your best. And if you can run the gauntlet of the little kid years, it gets so much easier. My DD is now 11 and it's a totally different world. Wishing you lots of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When do you guys spend time together as a family?

Sounds like op thinks her workouts and herself are much more important than her daughter or family time. What if he said he wasn’t feeling well, then woudl you have stepped up. I will never get tit for tat relationships. Prepare for divorce.

[Anonymous]

What kind of crap grandma sends her grandkid home hungry? Just saying.

[Anonymous]

OP's daddy did a number on her.