Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women here agreeing with OP’s husband and acting as though OP is talking about this particular hour on this particular Saturday rather than all of the hours that preceded it are honestly worse than OP’s husband. At least you can understand OP’s husband.

These other women, though, what kind of moral superiority are they on about… geez, they’re the kind of people that hold all women back, the type that don’t understand why families should want maternity leave (can just hear them saying, “Well, I just loved being pregnant and having a newborn, why are you people acting as though you should be paid for that time as though it’s a burden”). Ya’ll are honestly terrible people or acting like you are just to f*** with my blood pressure.

Like the one PP, bragging about how her mom never had a moment to herself until her third kid went to kindergarten like.. that’s a good thing? WTH? What is wrong with you people, how do you not see what a problem that is?

+1

I assume most of those posters are trolls. OP's kid is 3; she takes naps. A kid at the nap-taking stage is not going to remember what happened on Saturday, nor will she remember feeling like a burden or whatever nonsense the posters said. However, if OP does not get the dynamic together by the time DD is sentient, then yes, it will absolutely affect her if she has a father who cannot care for or keeps his word to her mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

Explain exactly why her husband isn’t petty and self-centered for not being able to handle the last agreed-upon 30 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

Looks like all the MRA losers have found this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

Did you not read directly before you bolded? It literally says her dh handles lunch and naptime and the op
Handles dinner time and bed.

This is exactly why rigid agreements don’t work. How do they handle days that are off-schedule, which are inevitable? Who gets the “extra work”? It’s healthy to be flexible in your time to account for life’s surprises, to speak to your spouse with respect, and to not hold salaries over anyone’s head. OP and her spouse sound like they’re harboring a whole lot of resentment and both would need to mage changes.

Why are people doing all these mental cartwheels to find edge case examples of why dedicated alone time can’t work?? There’s truly no evidence here that OP isn’t flexible *when necessary.*

You have had a 3 year old, yes? They are pretty unpredictable. I'm just not going to look at my kid and say it's not my shift to deal with her and see ya later. The dishes can always wait.

I’m the PP and I’m not OP. I have 3 kids including a 20 month old and I think you’re being intentionally stupid. OP and her husband should have no problem at all doing single parent shifts like this.

But they do have a problem. They sound like a shit team and don't work well together. If you actually have 3 kids you know how easy managing one is.

What I see is that it’s easy enough for OP to manage one but she wants some alone time, and it’s apparently impossible for her husband to match her. What am I missing?

Because humans are predictable machines that never get sick or have a hard day or need a hand? Why get married at all if it's everyone for themselves? On that particular morning she had her alone time. She just doesn't seem to like her husband all that much.

What’s so hard about having a free morning at your mom’s house?

What's so hard about just getting divorced? Then you can have 3-4 days a week of free time with no chance someone will shirt their duty. Seems like a much better deal for OP since she can't stand her husband anyway.

OP might end up better off. The husband doesn’t sound like a prize.

[Anonymous]

3 is such a fun age! She could work out alongside you, you could bring her in a jogging stroller. Dang my 3 year olds helped me clean, bake, weed or just farted around the house on their own. Such a fun age.

OP, is your DD kind of high maintenance or mellow? Lunch could be cheerios, frozen fruit in yogurt, hard boiled eggs... nap is throw them in their crib with 40 board books and a white noise machine...

If DD has fussier needs, I could see that alone time being precious but Id rather build more positive time together vs avoiding her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

Explain exactly why her husband isn’t petty and self-centered for not being able to handle the last agreed-upon 30 minutes.

No need, it’s obvious that they are both equally petty and self absorbed. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

Looks like all the MRA losers have found this thread.

Oh good come back. Did you have anything of value to add?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 is such a fun age! She could work out alongside you, you could bring her in a jogging stroller. Dang my 3 year olds helped me clean, bake, weed or just farted around the house on their own. Such a fun age.

OP, is your DD kind of high maintenance or mellow? Lunch could be cheerios, frozen fruit in yogurt, hard boiled eggs... nap is throw them in their crib with 40 board books and a white noise machine...

If DD has fussier needs, I could see that alone time being precious but Id rather build more positive time together vs avoiding her

Again, why can't DH do this? OP will have plenty of quality time in the afternoon and all week while DH is gone....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 is such a fun age! She could work out alongside you, you could bring her in a jogging stroller. Dang my 3 year olds helped me clean, bake, weed or just farted around the house on their own. Such a fun age.

OP, is your DD kind of high maintenance or mellow? Lunch could be cheerios, frozen fruit in yogurt, hard boiled eggs... nap is throw them in their crib with 40 board books and a white noise machine...

If DD has fussier needs, I could see that alone time being precious but Id rather build more positive time together vs avoiding her

But it’s SO HARD! How could she survive with only 4.5 hours of alone time rather than 5! And how could she bear that grave injustice of her misogynistic husband getting 5.5 hours of alone time to her 4.5 on that one day! OP is a boss lady who won’t let anyone walk all over her and make her spend time with her child for an extra 30 minutes, no way would she suffer that indignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women here agreeing with OP’s husband and acting as though OP is talking about this particular hour on this particular Saturday rather than all of the hours that preceded it are honestly worse than OP’s husband. At least you can understand OP’s husband.

These other women, though, what kind of moral superiority are they on about… geez, they’re the kind of people that hold all women back, the type that don’t understand why families should want maternity leave (can just hear them saying, “Well, I just loved being pregnant and having a newborn, why are you people acting as though you should be paid for that time as though it’s a burden”). Ya’ll are honestly terrible people or acting like you are just to f*** with my blood pressure.

Like the one PP, bragging about how her mom never had a moment to herself until her third kid went to kindergarten like.. that’s a good thing? WTH? What is wrong with you people, how do you not see what a problem that is?

+1

I assume most of those posters are trolls. OP's kid is 3; she takes naps. A kid at the nap-taking stage is not going to remember what happened on Saturday, nor will she remember feeling like a burden or whatever nonsense the posters said. However, if OP does not get the dynamic together by the time DD is sentient, then yes, it will absolutely affect her if she has a father who cannot care for or keeps his word to her mother.

Ummm 3yos are plenty aware. Maybe you'd realize if you actually spent time with one. They are very attune and their socio emotional development is even beyond their cognitive (which is already a lot - talking a ton etc). A lot of this imprinting happens well before we can remember specific memories as adults.

This doesnt go to whatever split OP has but rather how they should be engaging in front of the DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

Explain exactly why her husband isn’t petty and self-centered for not being able to handle the last agreed-upon 30 minutes.

DP and He is but two wrongs don't make a right and at least one of them should be an adult and not use their child as a pawn in their stupid game. I pray to God they don't have any more.

[Anonymous]

I would hire a nanny on Saturdays for the day so you can both get some rest. This doesn’t mean that you don’t get to spend any time with your daughter at all that day. You can still play with your daughter while the nanny supports you with cleanup, laundry, etc. if you’d like. It just gives you both some much needed downtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t about OP’s DH not doing his fair share of chores around the house. It’s about OP actively not wanting to be with her child for a rigidly prescribed period of time. Why is giving your child lunch and putting her down for a nap such a burden? Especially after you’ve literally had hours of alone time. OP you are high maintenance and need to suck it up a little. Your husband does too if he’s so exhausted after being with a three year old for a few hours. Truly sad that you both dislike being parents so much you are fighting over a tiny scrap of “alone” time.

You are impressively wrong, but I admire your commitment to your wrongness. (not OP)