Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Put your kid up for adoption and maybe she can end up with parents who love her or at least a functioning foster family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women here agreeing with OP’s husband and acting as though OP is talking about this particular hour on this particular Saturday rather than all of the hours that preceded it are honestly worse than OP’s husband. At least you can understand OP’s husband.

These other women, though, what kind of moral superiority are they on about… geez, they’re the kind of people that hold all women back, the type that don’t understand why families should want maternity leave (can just hear them saying, “Well, I just loved being pregnant and having a newborn, why are you people acting as though you should be paid for that time as though it’s a burden”). Ya’ll are honestly terrible people or acting like you are just to f*** with my blood pressure.

Like the one PP, bragging about how her mom never had a moment to herself until her third kid went to kindergarten like.. that’s a good thing? WTH? What is wrong with you people, how do you not see what a problem that is?

+1

I assume most of those posters are trolls. OP's kid is 3; she takes naps. A kid at the nap-taking stage is not going to remember what happened on Saturday, nor will she remember feeling like a burden or whatever nonsense the posters said. However, if OP does not get the dynamic together by the time DD is sentient, then yes, it will absolutely affect her if she has a father who cannot care for or keeps his word to her mother.

Ummm 3yos are plenty aware. Maybe you'd realize if you actually spent time with one. They are very attune and their socio emotional development is even beyond their cognitive (which is already a lot - talking a ton etc). A lot of this imprinting happens well before we can remember specific memories as adults.

This doesnt go to whatever split OP has but rather how they should be engaging in front of the DD.

I’ve spent plenty of time with 3 year olds. The question is have you spent time with older kids? What do they remember about being 3? What do they remember if the dynamic is completely different at age 5 vs 3? Or 13 vs 3?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 is such a fun age! She could work out alongside you, you could bring her in a jogging stroller. Dang my 3 year olds helped me clean, bake, weed or just farted around the house on their own. Such a fun age.

OP, is your DD kind of high maintenance or mellow? Lunch could be cheerios, frozen fruit in yogurt, hard boiled eggs... nap is throw them in their crib with 40 board books and a white noise machine...

If DD has fussier needs, I could see that alone time being precious but Id rather build more positive time together vs avoiding her

3 is ... not a fun age. 3.5 gets fun, kind of. But 3 was a very tantrum-y, dramatic age for my generally easy kid.

Also, "working out with your kid" is something I dreamed of when I was a pregnant jogger, but LOL no. A nature walk, sure. But you are not going to get any real, vigorous exercise with a toddler in tow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put your kid up for adoption and maybe she can end up with parents who love her or at least a functioning foster family.

Omg this made me lol. You’re nuts! Thanks for the laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real issue isn't the time table or number of hours put in by each parent. It's the lack of grace they're showing one another.

My spouse would have said to me, "I know this is your free time and you so deserve it, but I'm really struggling right now. Can you handle lunch and nap and then I'll do bedtime tonight?" or whatever. And I would have said, "Sure thing, sorry you're so tired. Come be Mommy's snuggle buddy, honey!"

More grace, more love, more joy. That's what it's all about.

My husband is always talking about the 90/10 rule, that we fixate on the 10% we think our spouse is slacking in instead of focusing on the 90% that's positive. But on the flip side, if we understand what bothers our spouse (our 10%) and work on it for them while also focusing on the positive (their 90%), everyone feels happy and seen and appreciated.

I do think it's important to carve out time for yourself, and your spouse should want that too. If he's taking advantage of you, then you should be able to say, "Hey, I feel like you're taking advantage of me. Don't you want me to have time to myself? Don't you see how hard I work?" But don't play games. I'm not going to stick around in any relationship that turns me into a petty, game-playing person. If that's who the relationship turns me into, then something is seriously wrong.

Genuinely good response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 is such a fun age! She could work out alongside you, you could bring her in a jogging stroller. Dang my 3 year olds helped me clean, bake, weed or just farted around the house on their own. Such a fun age.

OP, is your DD kind of high maintenance or mellow? Lunch could be cheerios, frozen fruit in yogurt, hard boiled eggs... nap is throw them in their crib with 40 board books and a white noise machine...

If DD has fussier needs, I could see that alone time being precious but Id rather build more positive time together vs avoiding her

3 is ... not a fun age. 3.5 gets fun, kind of. But 3 was a very tantrum-y, dramatic age for my generally easy kid.

Also, "working out with your kid" is something I dreamed of when I was a pregnant jogger, but LOL no. A nature walk, sure. But you are not going to get any real, vigorous exercise with a toddler in tow.

Most of this stuff is posted by trolls, people without kids, or people who have a bad memory and whose kids are 25+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

This.

+1000

When you have both had time to cool down you need to have a real discussion with DH. Some people have suggested FairPlay cards as a tool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I’ve seen this mentioned a lot on this board. I think I’ll buy it.
About a year ago or so, I suggested we write down our individual loads. Like the things we own related to home kid family finances etc. we each drafted up our list and shared it.
Mine was probably 3x longer?
After he read mine, he went back to “edit” his list. He added random bs to make his list as long as mine. It was legit laughable. I’m talking about things like “manage Netflix and Hulu passwords”
“Call customer service representatives when internet is down”
“Filled out birth certificate paperwork”

Then he said the whole exercise was a farce.
A part of me hopes he doesn’t come back from this work trip. I think this often. I am not the best version of myself when he’s around. I have stayed quiet for so long to kept the peace and not risk an argument, at the expense of my inner turmoil. Today in his text rage he said that I act like taking care of “my daughter” is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on a hidden camera show. Did I not see all these red flags before marriage? I’ve ignored my “knowing” for so long. I know I married the wrong person for me. I feel stuck.

I'm not one of those people that comes on here to recommend divorce, but if this is how you truly feel, you should get out! Life is too short. If you have the financial means, you should really thinks seriously of moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

One morning once a week is “a LOT” of me time?

I get up at 430-5 in the morning 7 days a week so I can 2-3 hours before everyone else is awake. That’s 14-21 hours a weeks me time. When the weather is nice, or when there are no activities, DH a will often take DD out in a Saturday morning, which leaves me with even more time. Please rate my parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I’ve seen this mentioned a lot on this board. I think I’ll buy it.
About a year ago or so, I suggested we write down our individual loads. Like the things we own related to home kid family finances etc. we each drafted up our list and shared it.
Mine was probably 3x longer?
After he read mine, he went back to “edit” his list. He added random bs to make his list as long as mine. It was legit laughable. I’m talking about things like “manage Netflix and Hulu passwords”
“Call customer service representatives when internet is down”
“Filled out birth certificate paperwork”

Then he said the whole exercise was a farce.
A part of me hopes he doesn’t come back from this work trip. I think this often. I am not the best version of myself when he’s around. I have stayed quiet for so long to kept the peace and not risk an argument, at the expense of my inner turmoil. Today in his text rage he said that I act like taking care of “my daughter” is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on a hidden camera show. Did I not see all these red flags before marriage? I’ve ignored my “knowing” for so long. I know I married the wrong person for me. I feel stuck.

I'm not one of those people that comes on here to recommend divorce, but if this is how you truly feel, you should get out! Life is too short. If you have the financial means, you should really thinks seriously of moving on.

OP does seem to find taking care of her daughter unbearable. Her DH isn’t wrong on that. I’d argue he feels the same, but still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

Ha! I can see why you have trouble with your relationship.

I'm a private practice lawyer too and the sole earner supporting my family, and yes, even my job affords plenty of flexibility and "me time" during the day. You can't get out for 30 minutes of exercise during the day? You don't surf the internet for little breaks? Come on. Quit being a drama queen. Your life is so easy and you just want to argue with your DH in front of your daughter about 30 minutes of extra time you need to spend with her?

By the way, your DH sounds lame, too, so I'm not just blaming you.

[Anonymous]

Why are you married to this guy? The level of spite you have for him is astounding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real issue isn't the time table or number of hours put in by each parent. It's the lack of grace they're showing one another.

My spouse would have said to me, "I know this is your free time and you so deserve it, but I'm really struggling right now. Can you handle lunch and nap and then I'll do bedtime tonight?" or whatever. And I would have said, "Sure thing, sorry you're so tired. Come be Mommy's snuggle buddy, honey!"

More grace, more love, more joy. That's what it's all about.

My husband is always talking about the 90/10 rule, that we fixate on the 10% we think our spouse is slacking in instead of focusing on the 90% that's positive. But on the flip side, if we understand what bothers our spouse (our 10%) and work on it for them while also focusing on the positive (their 90%), everyone feels happy and seen and appreciated.

I do think it's important to carve out time for yourself, and your spouse should want that too. If he's taking advantage of you, then you should be able to say, "Hey, I feel like you're taking advantage of me. Don't you want me to have time to myself? Don't you see how hard I work?" But don't play games. I'm not going to stick around in any relationship that turns me into a petty, game-playing person. If that's who the relationship turns me into, then something is seriously wrong.

Genuinely good response.

Agree - they need some therapy to communicate better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women here agreeing with OP’s husband and acting as though OP is talking about this particular hour on this particular Saturday rather than all of the hours that preceded it are honestly worse than OP’s husband. At least you can understand OP’s husband.

These other women, though, what kind of moral superiority are they on about… geez, they’re the kind of people that hold all women back, the type that don’t understand why families should want maternity leave (can just hear them saying, “Well, I just loved being pregnant and having a newborn, why are you people acting as though you should be paid for that time as though it’s a burden”). Ya’ll are honestly terrible people or acting like you are just to f*** with my blood pressure.

Like the one PP, bragging about how her mom never had a moment to herself until her third kid went to kindergarten like.. that’s a good thing? WTH? What is wrong with you people, how do you not see what a problem that is?

+1

I assume most of those posters are trolls. OP's kid is 3; she takes naps. A kid at the nap-taking stage is not going to remember what happened on Saturday, nor will she remember feeling like a burden or whatever nonsense the posters said. However, if OP does not get the dynamic together by the time DD is sentient, then yes, it will absolutely affect her if she has a father who cannot care for or keeps his word to her mother.

Ummm 3yos are plenty aware. Maybe you'd realize if you actually spent time with one. They are very attune and their socio emotional development is even beyond their cognitive (which is already a lot - talking a ton etc). A lot of this imprinting happens well before we can remember specific memories as adults.

This doesnt go to whatever split OP has but rather how they should be engaging in front of the DD.

I’ve spent plenty of time with 3 year olds. The question is have you spent time with older kids? What do they remember about being 3? What do they remember if the dynamic is completely different at age 5 vs 3? Or 13 vs 3?

Not directed at this thread - but I spend time with abused older kids. They may not remember exact memories of 3 - but sure remember how they felt about things which develop into their adult personalities. Maybe do some research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.

I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.

You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?

NP but I can't imagine the tit for tat OP has going on, and that's what the PP said.

My husband and I also trade off (i.e. one of us does the dogs Monday mornings, one of us does the kids, then Tuesday we switch, etc.). Same with weekends - one of us wakes up and does the dogs and kids while the other gets to sleep in. But it's only for a few hours in the morning, not all day. Also, for example, on Friday night he ended up going over to a friend's house at the last minute because another friend popped into town so I decided to get up the next morning so he could sleep in since he was having the later night. Not a big deal. OP and her husband sound like they hate each other. Who wants to live like that? She'd have a lot more me time if she got divorced, and then, bonus, she wouldn't have to live with someone she so clearly dislikes.