What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Two problems with your assumption.

1) Every post from betrayed wives starts with "we were having sex all the time, things were great, I was blindsided!" I have yet to read one saying "we hadn't had sex in months and admittedly I have rejected him often."

2) If you aren't having sex with your spouse, you don't have a deep connection. Yes, on paper you know it's wrong but it's wrong like standing a friend up for dinner, more of a white lie than a deep betrayal. If you don't have a deep connection (which is impossible on a sexless marriage) you aren't going to feel like there is something deep to lose.

But since you don't have this issue in your marriage, I don't expect you to understand. Just trying to show you the mindset.

Did you read my post? I said “ask me how I know.” So you are making a lot of major assumptions about me and my marriage. You used your time with your kids to justify your cheat. I’m telling you that when you are caught, they won’t care (or hopefully even know) if your marriage is sexless or if you and DW bang all the time. They will care that you cheated and lied and hurt their mom, etc., and that will last for years. So just get out. No one is saying stay in a sexless marriage, but you also don’t have to cheat.

I know women in therapy for years to get over the pain, trauma and hurt betrayal in their long marriages has caused. It’s awful. And it’s downplayed by the people participating in affairs because they are selfish and shallow and only think of themselves. Causing that much pain to someone else and destroying trust, shredding it is beyond awful.

+100

Both were married awful fkers that didn’t care about anything but getting their genitals sucked by someone other than their spouses. Not kids, not spouses, nothing. They do not have the capacity for love and being that shallow that can’t fathom why everyone is hurt by their lies/betrayal. They figured nobody will get hurt if nobody finds out and took all kinds of careless risks.

Well- we found out. That pain has not let up in over 2 years.

[Anonymous]

“We”? Who?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We”? Who?

Both of their spouses, their families, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

I'm not married. Marriage is a choice and a privilege. You make a vow in front of your loved ones, and your god if you have one, to forsake all others. You also don't get to rape your wife in this country. So, you can work it out, go without, or divorce.
No one said it would be easy.
Cheating is the easy way out.

My vows also said till death do us part, so divorce is off the table. Probably was something about to have and to hold but I can do neither against her will. Thankfully, neither you nor the Taliban are the morality police.

You’re cheating on your spouse because of your vows 😂😂😂😂 that’s just about the most delusional thing I’ve heard in a while.

[Anonymous]

^^^ That was the craziest post on this thread - he picks and chooses which of the vows count, and uses them to rationalize breaking them? Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

I'm not married. Marriage is a choice and a privilege. You make a vow in front of your loved ones, and your god if you have one, to forsake all others. You also don't get to rape your wife in this country. So, you can work it out, go without, or divorce.
No one said it would be easy.
Cheating is the easy way out.

Np here. You are not married? I hope you are divorced. Unless you have actually lived in a truly sexless marriage and have kids, you have no place giving advice from your high horse.

PP is right. You need to get some therapy if you think cheating is ok. Yes either work it out or get divorced.

I am divorced. No cheating. But I completely understand cheating in certain situations. Cheating would not have mattered to me at all. Marriage is more than sex; some people really do have no marital relationship marriages but may not be able to divorce due to health issues, finance issues, mental illness, etc. cheating is understandable in certain situations. I had an almost no-sex marriage for a decade. You have no idea. (I did not cheat and left many years later than I should have). Also, I did not have vows. Not all weddings have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ That was the craziest post on this thread - he picks and chooses which of the vows count, and uses them to rationalize breaking them? Insane.

Seriously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Two problems with your assumption.

1) Every post from betrayed wives starts with "we were having sex all the time, things were great, I was blindsided!" I have yet to read one saying "we hadn't had sex in months and admittedly I have rejected him often."

2) If you aren't having sex with your spouse, you don't have a deep connection. Yes, on paper you know it's wrong but it's wrong like standing a friend up for dinner, more of a white lie than a deep betrayal. If you don't have a deep connection (which is impossible on a sexless marriage) you aren't going to feel like there is something deep to lose.

But since you don't have this issue in your marriage, I don't expect you to understand. Just trying to show you the mindset.

Did you read my post? I said “ask me how I know.” So you are making a lot of major assumptions about me and my marriage. You used your time with your kids to justify your cheat. I’m telling you that when you are caught, they won’t care (or hopefully even know) if your marriage is sexless or if you and DW bang all the time. They will care that you cheated and lied and hurt their mom, etc., and that will last for years. So just get out. No one is saying stay in a sexless marriage, but you also don’t have to cheat.

I know women in therapy for years to get over the pain, trauma and hurt betrayal in their long marriages has caused. It’s awful. And it’s downplayed by the people participating in affairs because they are selfish and shallow and only think of themselves. Causing that much pain to someone else and destroying trust, shredding it is beyond awful.

DP. I don't doubt the pain caused. But it seems just as painful to have someone divorce you against your wishes. That too seems traumatic, painful and like a betrayal. Seems to me if you don't think sexlessness is a reason to open a marriage or forgive cheating, you won't see it as a satisfying reason to end a marriage and break up a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Two problems with your assumption.

1) Every post from betrayed wives starts with "we were having sex all the time, things were great, I was blindsided!" I have yet to read one saying "we hadn't had sex in months and admittedly I have rejected him often."

2) If you aren't having sex with your spouse, you don't have a deep connection. Yes, on paper you know it's wrong but it's wrong like standing a friend up for dinner, more of a white lie than a deep betrayal. If you don't have a deep connection (which is impossible on a sexless marriage) you aren't going to feel like there is something deep to lose.

But since you don't have this issue in your marriage, I don't expect you to understand. Just trying to show you the mindset.

Did you read my post? I said “ask me how I know.” So you are making a lot of major assumptions about me and my marriage. You used your time with your kids to justify your cheat. I’m telling you that when you are caught, they won’t care (or hopefully even know) if your marriage is sexless or if you and DW bang all the time. They will care that you cheated and lied and hurt their mom, etc., and that will last for years. So just get out. No one is saying stay in a sexless marriage, but you also don’t have to cheat.

I know women in therapy for years to get over the pain, trauma and hurt betrayal in their long marriages has caused. It’s awful. And it’s downplayed by the people participating in affairs because they are selfish and shallow and only think of themselves. Causing that much pain to someone else and destroying trust, shredding it is beyond awful.

DP. I don't doubt the pain caused. But it seems just as painful to have someone divorce you against your wishes. That too seems traumatic, painful and like a betrayal. Seems to me if you don't think sexlessness is a reason to open a marriage or forgive cheating, you won't see it as a satisfying reason to end a marriage and break up a family.

It’s painful to be divorced but it’s even worse to be cheated on. Plus if you are cheated on and the cheater is remorseful and wants to stay together, then suddenly the onus is on the betrayed spouse to keep the marriage together. That is really unfair. Just be fair and have some respect for your partner and leave. It’s ultimately the best thing for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

To the poster above, what if your husband pulled it off, had his fun and didn't get caught? There are so many marriages that live happily ever after but someone had an affair and no one got caught. So divorce may be better than getting caught cheating but not getting caught is the best of outcomes.

That's the end game

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster above, what if your husband pulled it off, had his fun and didn't get caught? There are so many marriages that live happily ever after but someone had an affair and no one got caught. So divorce may be better than getting caught cheating but not getting caught is the best of outcomes.

That's the end game

No. It's not. The cheater isn't fully committed to the spouse or the marriage and that cognitive dissociation bleeds into every aspect of the marriage. You cannot carry a secret that big and lying about where you are and what you are doing with someone and not have it negatively effect the relationship, the time invested elsewhere and ultimately the marriage bond. It's devious, dishonest, disrespectful, a violation of someone's trust, health.

Something is always wrong while the affair is ongoing. The cheater is almost ALWAYS critical to the loved ones at home, distracted, spending time away, and angry. Read all these spouses wondering what happened to their loving spouses---he/she is calling them names, acting like jerk, unpredictable moods, short temper with the kids, spending time away or on their phone all of the time. It's psychological abuse that comes with it gaslighting while the spouse tries to figure out what they did wrong while walking around on egg shells.

If a cheater isn't caught, there's no reason for them to change or fix what is messed up inside to allow them to betray the person they pledged themselves too. By getting it out in the open, there can be real growth, they can get the individual therapy desperately needed, address childhood or relationship wounds, etc.

What you mean is: no harm, no foul TO THE CHEATER because they did not have to face any consequences for betraying their spouse/family. That's sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

I'm not married. Marriage is a choice and a privilege. You make a vow in front of your loved ones, and your god if you have one, to forsake all others. You also don't get to rape your wife in this country. So, you can work it out, go without, or divorce.
No one said it would be easy.
Cheating is the easy way out.

My vows also said till death do us part, so divorce is off the table. Probably was something about to have and to hold but I can do neither against her will. Thankfully, neither you nor the Taliban are the morality police.

Give me a break. You’d get divorced in a heartbeat if your kid didn’t have special needs or if you had more money. You essentially said that above.

[Anonymous]

Game plan:
1. Get his dick wet. Ideally, repeatedly.
2. Don’t get caught.

That’s literally it. Dudes don’t think much beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Game plan:
1. Get his dick wet. Ideally, repeatedly.
2. Don’t get caught.

That’s literally it. Dudes don’t think much beyond that.

Seriously. Do you think a married guy gets on Ashley Madison or Tinder to look for a new wife? If they divorce they are going to bang as many women as they can, especially if coming out of a long marriage. They certainly won’t marry a fellow cheater because they know they can’t be trusted because they cheat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

I'm not married. Marriage is a choice and a privilege. You make a vow in front of your loved ones, and your god if you have one, to forsake all others. You also don't get to rape your wife in this country. So, you can work it out, go without, or divorce.
No one said it would be easy.
Cheating is the easy way out.

My vows also said till death do us part, so divorce is off the table. Probably was something about to have and to hold but I can do neither against her will. Thankfully, neither you nor the Taliban are the morality police.

Give me a break. You’d get divorced in a heartbeat if your kid didn’t have special needs or if you had more money. You essentially said that above.

+1. It's actually funny when he said this thing about vows because it's just so ridiculous. You sometimes wonder how this (and many others on here) guy's brain works and what kind of a position he holds career wise since he isn't able to look at situations with a clear eye at all. Not sure I would trust his judgement in general.