SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?
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Anonymous
+1 Dual-income parents manage this all the time. Expecting someone to work full time to support you so you can have six hours a day to do whatever you want is not automatically reasonable. If you managed all the cooking, cleaning, driving, errands, school volunteering when you had younger kids (which is what OP seems to be suggesting), it's not clear why you need the extra 6-8 hours a day without any childcare duties. There really isn't any reason you can't work at least part time, other than that you don't want to. |
Anonymous
Yep. It will fester resentment unless wife has independent money of her own, e.g., an inheritance that buttresses the family coffers. Maybe DH wants to retire at 60, not 70. Are your children's college plans fully funded? That was a big reason that a couple of my SAHM friends went back to part-time work. Agree with all PP that you need to sit down and make a realistic list regarding chore sharing, the quality expectation regarding each chore, and the associated chore if it will need to be outsourced when otherwise it would be done by you. Marriage is a partnership. You now have more time on your hands than your partner. You can fill it with a part time job, volunteering, or undertaking a substantial family project (like a house renovation). How old are your respective parents? Do they need additional care? But don't expect your partner to respect you if you just want to sit around not doing anything additional. |
Anonymous
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I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.
That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him. But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter. My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff. But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun. |
Anonymous
This. And I say this not as a jealous working mom but as a current SAHM (formerly WOHM with 2 small kids) who understands this, and feels lucky that my H totally leaves it up to me whether/ when to return at least to PT work now that the youngest is in kindergarten this year. |
Anonymous
Sure there is a reason. What is the benefit? If may be the case the extra money isn’t needed and her working won’t lessen DH’s work demands. So if she doesn’t want to, what would be the point? |
Anonymous
You cook for the whole week on the weekend? Or do you mean meal prep? If you’re eating leftovers from Sunday on Friday that is sad |
Anonymous
Great perspective!! This is so interesting. |
Anonymous
Why do you need to understand my family dynamic when I am offering my point of view to someone else? I am a stay at home mom with four children (three are teens and one is in elementary school BUT my stance would remain the same regardless of their age). My husband is fine with me being a stay at home but of would not MIND if I contributed financially to our household. We clearly do not need my income to live comfortably. My older kids do get themselves to school but the youngest is still in elementary school and my husband cannot consistently put her on the bus and cannot pick her up from the bus after school. Thanks for your suggestion about what works for your family but every family dynamic is different. Just because a parent wants to stay at home does not mean that they are not supportive of their partner. If I did not stay home, my husband certainly could not dedicate himself to his career the way that he has been able to for the past 15 years. |
Anonymous
NP here. And I agree that if the income isn't needed, it's not necessary to work if someone doesn't want to do so. But if it's going to impact OP's relationship with her spouse, that's an important consideration. OP needs to understand and take seriously why her DH wants her to work, and he also needs to understand and take seriously why she doesn't. "I don't want to" is actually a completely valid reason for an adult not to do something that isn't necessary. I also think that DH's really don't understand that the types of jobs a person can get after being out of the workforce can be mind-numbing and demoralizing. So if OP disagrees on his reasoning, then she is the one who will grow resentful if she ends up doing what he wants just to keep the peace. I do understand that being the sole earner can feel stressful, but if that's the reason the two of them need to look objectively at their finances and decide together if another income is actually needed. If they decide it is, OP herself may feel differently about taking a job...even one she doesn't enjoy. FWIW, I work PT, but we really don't need my income. I also have a volunteer leadership position in a non-profit, that takes up a lot of my time. DH is supportive of my doing whatever I want, because we are now in a really great position financially...and mostly he doesn't want me to be miserable. His job is demanding, but he also enjoys it. I've made career sacrifices to keep our home life moderately functional while he's rapidly advanced and gotten to do fulfilling work. Yes, his job earns us several luxuries...but it's ridiculous to pretend that his reason for working so much is completely altruistic. He likes his work. He likes the satisfaction of what he does. And he probably does enjoy some of the prestige associated with his position (though I think less than others would). Forcing me to work a far less fulfilling job just to prove a point or to reduce the burden of financial responsibility he might feel due partially to choices he's made would be mean and also obtuse. |
Anonymous
Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource. I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home. I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$) Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load? |
Anonymous
Ahh...I get your question now. I think the issue is that it’s the wrong question. You are asking what SAHMs are doing while their husbands are working because you have it in your mind that is the time to work, and evenings and weekends are used for leisure and housework. But SAHMs have their leisure time during the school day. I stayed at home, then went back PT from 8am-3pm. When I was a SAHM, I was on evenings and weekends. Sure, my husband might go golfing after work or on the weekend, but I never would. I had plenty of time to do that during the school day. He might get home, say that he’s tired and go listen to a podcast for an hour before he joins the family, or leave to go to the gym for a little bit after dinner, or join a church committee that meets weekly in the evenings, or host an evening journal club. And that was all fine because I had things handled at home, and I had my own time to do that stuff. If someone needed to run to the store in the evening after the kids went to bed or make sure that a uniform was clean, or deal with the leaky pipes, it was always me (or me supervising the kids anyway). I supervised all homework and went to all parent teacher meetings, doctors appointments, etc. I did (or supervised the kids doing) all of the house cleaning, mowing, and yard work. When I went back to work PT, I was still home when he left for work, got the kids off to school, went to work, got home just as they were coming home, and went in to the same evening routine that I always did. DH stepped up for a bit, but we quickly went back into the old pattern, and I don’t think that he ever really saw it as his job to be sure that housework and homework were done or that the lawn didn’t go to seed. I had no time to see friends or read or watch television. And when he would get home and say that he was going to relax for a little bit, or decide to sleep in or schedule a golf game for the weekend, I would see red. And when I scheduled hair appointments or left to go to the gym in the evenings, he was angry as well. We both wound up pretty resentful. Anyway, I understand where OP is coming from. She knows her husband, and it sounds like she doesn’t trust that he is really planning to step up and do his share, give up some of his free time, and recognize that they are both going to be working harder. He will no longer have all of his evenings and weekends free while she holds down the fort at home. Anyway, asking what SAHMs are doing during the school day is asking them what they are doing with their free time, not asking what they are doing when they are working for their families. And so, of course, you are going to get answers consistent with what people do with their free time. |
Anonymous
Doctors apts and school meetings? For 10+ year olds? There’s like 4 events there? Deciding on activities — I’ll ask the kid and sign them up with a glass of wine (for me not the kid) Trust me a professional organizer will makes things work much better than you ever will; they have seen hundreds of families, you aren’t special. Toys are pretty age specific, so any adult will likely be able to tackle 90% of that. Sure you are responsible for entertaining family and friends, or you can just suggest to meet up for dinner somewhere or a vacation spot. I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again. |
Anonymous
I don't think I was asking you |
Anonymous
People work to earn a living and afford what they want. Work is for money. That is it. If your spouse is making all the money you would ever need or want, why would you also work? Unless you truly loved your job…. But even then, your job isn’t nearly as important as you would like to think and you aren’t important to it. You don’t show up to work, guess what, no one cares. You will be replaced in a hot minute and forgotten about. The work and effort your put it in at home and with your children is always worth it and meaningful. No matter how little you feel SAHMs do. |
Anonymous
I was asking PP who outsourced it all to some kind of pro who may have acted as nanny/house manager/chef/organizer/vacation and party planner, etc etc for 36 hours per week. I feel like there is stuff leftover, so how did they divide/outsource it? I could totally be a control freak, but I do not have 10 year olds, I have young kids, and I want to see/ask questions at dr appts, school meetings, sports practices and other stuff like that, for myself, so I that I know my child and his life. Not long ago, I also wanted to be home with them when sick. Now I can fathom getting a sitter, but for awhile there .. didn't want to leave my little child with a new care giver when they needed me. Also: Want to plan their birthdays and Christmas. |