SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Right, but most responsible, competent adults don’t expect to have a lifetime of weekends.

Really? You don't know anyone who made a lot of money and retired early? Coming from the tech world, it's the cultural norm for people trying to FIRE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Right, but most responsible, competent adults don’t expect to have a lifetime of weekends.

hmm you must not know many rich people then

[Anonymous]

Get a job working hours that he is normally home. Pick up evenings or weekends in retail or something.

I wouldn’t work during school hours. If you do that, he will forget that you work, or he will rationalize to himself that your work isn’t as hard as his, or that you work part time, so he doesn’t need to really do his part at home.

The only way to make him do it is to not be there to do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

If you had spoken about your return to work before having kids, then you should accept that he may never be convinced you should stay home permanently. It will directly affect the rest of his life and how long he will have to work to make up for you.

For me, this would be an absolute dealbreaker. I’d resent you for the rest of our married lives or divorce you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I was married to a doctor and stayed home. Worked out to my advantage when he traded me in for a new model. Alimony for life.

And now you don't have to wash his socks either. I divorced my wealthy husband and I will get his retirement since I was the beneficiary, not his current widow. A SAHM is often financially secure. Something many don't understand.

Your last sentence is false and a lie.

The majority of stay at home mothers are not financially secure. The majority of women who marry do not marry men who make six figures; let alone marry men who are wealthy.

Why are you lying?

Wealthy is subjective. We are financially secure. We have a very modest house (the one people make fun of here) and save heavily.

That poster's ex screwed up by not switching over the beneficiary to his current wife. She is not typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

We spend weekends at our beach house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

NP and working mom. I COULD fill the time but I certainly don't need it to do the things that have been listed. Are SAHM just inefficient? I don't outsource, I work full time, I cook meals from scratch, I exercise, and I go to work. We get it done, the kids help, it's all good. And to the PP who said plenty of people retire early or are wealthy and stay home, sure - but I bet their spouse isn't grinding out 40+ hour work weeks while they sit at home in retirement bliss and eat bonbons or listen to podcasts. I completely understand why a working spouse would want the SAHP to get a job when the kids are in school all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make a list of all the house/kid stuff and have him select the half of the tasks that he will do. (Be sure to divide it into daily, weekly, occasional so he can't take all the occasional tasks like weeding and making drs appts and leave you with dishes and laundry and cleaning).

My suspicion is that he will balk at this. If he says no, then tell him you aren't going to go back because you can't handle everything yourself while working full-time.

If he says ok, then go back to work, but make sure he is handling all his tasks himself. If he is in charge of dishes, and he doesn't do them, they pile up in the sink. If he is in charge of trash, and he doesn't take out the trash, then you have overflowing trash. He will either step up or realize that things are better with you at home.

This is the only way.

I agree this is a good approach but she should be prepared for DH to tell her (hopefully in a loving way) that some of the stuff she fills her days with just isn’t that important and that they can let it slide/relax some standards. Not dishes and garbage, obviously, but maybe (for example) he doesn’t care if they eat pasta and jarred spaghetti sauce with a bagged salad for dinner instead of a scratch-made meal.

+1

You can fill 6-8 hours a day, but that doesn't mean that the things you do during that time are actually necessary. Your husband may not think that home-baked bread or pinterest-worthy birthday parties or whatever are important.

I really think that you have to come at this, not as "How do I get my husband to agree that I never need to work again?" Because that pits you against him. Treating staying home like a big favor you're doing him is foolish. You're doing it because YOU want to; be honest about that. It might make his life easier in some ways, but you're not being altruistic, so don't pretend that you are. And don't inflate the stuff you do, or downplay what he does. Sit down and figure out your family's financial and other goals. See how you staying home v. working part time v. working full time fits into those goals. Think about what's really important and what you can compromise on. This needs to be something you work out together. If you stay home and he's not on board, it's likely to just fester or create resentment. You need to act like a team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

Sit down with your DH and make a chart together listing all of the "to do" items (shopping, cleaning, cooking, driving kids, etc.) and let him sign up for what he'll do. It's got to be very close to 50/50. If he takes a long look at what he's signing up for it may change his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

If your answer to "what do SAHPs do on the weekend" is "the things WOH parents do on the weekends, including lots of leisure activities," you have completely missed the point of the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

We spend weekends at our beach house

Pp here. I do too on the Cape. I was talking about typical school year weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

Sit down with your DH and make a chart together listing all of the "to do" items (shopping, cleaning, cooking, driving kids, etc.) and let him sign up for what he'll do. It's got to be very close to 50/50. If he takes a long look at what he's signing up for it may change his mind.

Although I'd add -- OP doesn't know what it's like to have two working parents, either. Many, many, many, many people manage this. It's not like her husband is asking something insane. Don't come at this like he's asking something impossible. Come at it like, here's what our lives might look like if I work (part time or full time). Is that what we want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am not worried about divorce, and if I’m wrong we have more than enough assets to divide. Which is part of my frustration about him wanting me to go back. It’s like, “why?” Things are good the way they are.

Anyway I wasn’t really looking to debate it as much as hear from women whose husbands maybe weren’t convinced at first but them changed their minds.

I think you need to focus on the substantive disagreements between you and your DH. He may not think that things are good the way they are. He may not think that your assets are adequate. It sounds like you need to make a very clear case to him that your family is financially on track to meet your agreed-upon goals, and open your mind to the possibility that his goals are different from yours or that his goals have shifted over time.

In my experience there's absolutely no way around this issue.

This - it's really easy to say, "we're fine financially!" when (i) you're not responsible for providing he finances, and (ii) saying you're fine allows you to continue to stay at home.

In addition, while you may actually be fine, that doesn't mean going back to work is the wrong answer. It's entirely possible your husband would like to slow his pace, or would like to retire early, or would like a little more cushion, or would like a more lavish retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO children need their parents home more as they get older, not less. There are far more reasons to stay home when the kids are in middle and high school. The activities, extra curricular activities (those that are sanctioned and those that are NOT), etc.
I have teenagers and have no intention of going back to work until my youngest is out of the house. I am sure my husband would LIKE for me to contribute finically but me being home allows him to do his job better — he doesn’t have to schedule meetings, work travel etc around the kids schedules.
Good luck! It can be very tricky if your husband is pressuring you to find a job when you don’t want to.

I really don’t understand. Your kids are old enough to get to school by themselves, so you could easily work a PT job or even FT 7-3, and still fully supply your kids activities in the afternoons and evenings. That’s what we do. One spouse goes to work early and handles afternoon activities.

I am surprised that if it’s something your DH would appreciate your financial contributions, I’m surprised you don’t want to support him like he supported you for a decade or more. Sure if he lived for his job, never wants to retire, and makes 7 figures, he honestly wouldn’t care. But if it he does care, time you keep out of the workforce translates to MORE work for him directly.