SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

He can learn. The same way he would if you died tomorrow.

Erm, my mother died when I was in high school and my dad did not pick up the slack. I’d bet dollars to donuts op’s dh wouldn’t manage it either. When the mom is gone some guys really do just drop the ball.

When my MIL died my FIL remarried within 6 months. The way that many men “figure it out” is by finding another woman to handle the household tasks.

[Anonymous]

I have always worked full-time at home for the Feds. I make less than my spouse and my salary that necessary, but I have great health benefits for the family, a hefty retirement of my own. With $175k as the “support/not even close to primary” salary it’s the best of both. I am in STEM in my graduate degree field. I can’t imagine never working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

He can learn. The same way he would if you died tomorrow.

Erm, my mother died when I was in high school and my dad did not pick up the slack. I’d bet dollars to donuts op’s dh wouldn’t manage it either. When the mom is gone some guys really do just drop the ball.

When my MIL died my FIL remarried within 6 months. The way that many men “figure it out” is by finding another woman to handle the household tasks.

My father hired a lot of help. He was retired, but doesn't know how to do things. My DH would likely get today's equivalent of a mail order bride

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

Honestly this just sounds lazy. The vast majority of people run their households and also work a job just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TBH it may be that he really doesn't see the value in some of your activities. Sometimes men are fine with a messier house, no school volunteering, a generally less curated life, less kid activities, simpler food, etc. Be prepared to hear that even though it may hurt. What you see as valuable effort on behalf of the family he may see as a discretionary leisure activity of yours.

And be 1000% sure your financial planning is realistic. Being "not spendy" isn't going to make college and retirement savings appear.

Agree, they need to look hard and in detail at their planning for college tuition and their own retirement and an emergency fund, etc.

Re, the bold -- if that is the case, the couple needs to be open to serious talking about why they had this disconnect for so long. That's a big issue, to me (I'm not OP, BTW).

The first paragraph seems to indicate that "activiites" like housework, volunteering, kid activities etc. are indeed not especially important. The use of the term "curated life" kind of jumps out here. No one said OP was doing a curated life with Instagram-ready gourmet meals ("simpler food" preferred), or was overly focused on a perfectly neat home ("a messier house" is fine) etc. I figure maybe you didn't realize it but the first paragraph comes across as somewhat assuming that OP might be doing things to be, well, "curated" and picture-perfect. That may not be the case at all. Maybe you didn't intend it that way, but it almost sounds like a script for a man to use when telling a woman what she's been doing for years was fundamentally for her own entertainment and ego. Maybe the house is pretty messy and the food is simple but there are still valid reasons for OP to want to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always worked full-time at home for the Feds. I make less than my spouse and my salary that necessary, but I have great health benefits for the family, a hefty retirement of my own. With $175k as the “support/not even close to primary” salary it’s the best of both. I am in STEM in my graduate degree field. I can’t imagine never working.

How does your specific experience, including telling us about your great insurance, "hefty" retirement and six-figure salary (and indicating your spouse makes even more $$, so you're doing just fine), answer OP's question? We know you're all set. What does that do to advise OP, who isn't likely to go get a STEM degree and jump into a full-time at home gig any time soon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TBH it may be that he really doesn't see the value in some of your activities. Sometimes men are fine with a messier house, no school volunteering, a generally less curated life, less kid activities, simpler food, etc. Be prepared to hear that even though it may hurt. What you see as valuable effort on behalf of the family he may see as a discretionary leisure activity of yours.

And be 1000% sure your financial planning is realistic. Being "not spendy" isn't going to make college and retirement savings appear.

Agree, they need to look hard and in detail at their planning for college tuition and their own retirement and an emergency fund, etc.

Re, the bold -- if that is the case, the couple needs to be open to serious talking about why they had this disconnect for so long. That's a big issue, to me (I'm not OP, BTW).

The first paragraph seems to indicate that "activiites" like housework, volunteering, kid activities etc. are indeed not especially important. The use of the term "curated life" kind of jumps out here. No one said OP was doing a curated life with Instagram-ready gourmet meals ("simpler food" preferred), or was overly focused on a perfectly neat home ("a messier house" is fine) etc. I figure maybe you didn't realize it but the first paragraph comes across as somewhat assuming that OP might be doing things to be, well, "curated" and picture-perfect. That may not be the case at all. Maybe you didn't intend it that way, but it almost sounds like a script for a man to use when telling a woman what she's been doing for years was fundamentally for her own entertainment and ego. Maybe the house is pretty messy and the food is simple but there are still valid reasons for OP to want to stay home.

I don't get why people assume those with a SAHP don't save for college, retirement or emergency fund. We have all of that and almost have our house paid off (modest house).

[Anonymous]

NP, I think I will start a log of all the things I do. I have been SAHM for more than a year, but most of that my kid wasn't in school. Now he is in school and I am turning attention to the house. Not like redecorating, but taking care of long standing issues and organization that need to be addressed.It is not an Instagram life. My DH literally does nothing but work and golf and tv series. I work all day, with some breaks, but nothing like I have watched any tv series or enjoyed a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always worked full-time at home for the Feds. I make less than my spouse and my salary that necessary, but I have great health benefits for the family, a hefty retirement of my own. With $175k as the “support/not even close to primary” salary it’s the best of both. I am in STEM in my graduate degree field. I can’t imagine never working.

I truly believe you’re a troll. You are clearly a different fed than most based on your salary and you know this isn’t realistic. Plus it takes a decade at least of work to climb the fed ladder. Stop dumping on this thread

[Anonymous]

Your youngest is 10 so it seems you already are staying home long term. What you mean is never rejoining the workforce. Which considering your youngest is 10 this really shouldn't be a surprise to him.


I don't know what you tell him because it seems there will be resentment either way if you continue to stay home he will resent you or you will feel resentful if you go back to the workforce.

You have to have an honest talk about what you both view as important, what the goals are, what you can sacrifice, and what you can compromise on as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Freeloader!

If he isn't a good partner and you aren't using him then divorce is the logical answer.

[Anonymous]

Op, it's clear divorce is on the horizon for you.

Get a job and prepare.

[Anonymous]

My mom never went back to work. Once my youngest sister went to college, I think my dad really wanted my mom to go to work for the sake of fairness, but she just never did. It would have been much more expensive for my dad to divorce my mom than lose that battle!

On the other hand, I prefer to work and split all the household stuff equally. Just personal preference and we’ve always done it this way and DH really does at least 50% of the house work.

[Anonymous]

Kids are in school 8-3. Someone needs to be available the other hours of the day, plus the holiday breaks, summer, a bunch of random fridays off for conferences/teacher development, sick days, snow days, covid days. What full time job accommodates all this? Even a part time job that allows you to be available for all the hours/days your kids aren’t in school plus the unexpected, would be very hard to come by. If you don’t need the money and don’t work in a lucrative career that is flexible, it doesn’t make sense to waste your time making a low wage to file papers at the school library- just to say you have a job.

[Anonymous]

Serious question: what do you do with the six+ Hours when your kids are out of the house? I can’t imagine having that much time for myself every day. I mean, any logistics/chores could all be done within three hours. And with no boss breathing down your neck. I can see how your husband could be resentful.