SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

My youngest is 10 and DH wants me to work full time. I don’t want to. Has anyone successfully changed a spouse’s mind on this? Our lifestyle is modest and I am not spendy. We have plenty of money. I just want to be there for the kids, keep the house organized and cook dinners in peace. Is that so bad?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps look for a job at your kid’s school? Something in the office or as an aide? So you can follow the schedule and still be around for all the breaks and stuff but still bring in some money?

[Anonymous]

What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

[Anonymous]

Give him a taste of the chaos that is 2 working parents and he’ll probably support you quitting in no time. That’s what I did.

[Anonymous]

Why should he work if you won’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

[Anonymous]

It’s not bad and you’ve been doing it for a long time and I’m sure doing a great job. But with your youngest 10 you have a pretty good amount of free time on your hands. I took a job with a local non profit that paid me a decent amount but made me feel great about my 25 hour a week effort. I had time for my kids, set a good example for them and I loved the work. FWIW it wasn’t about the money as my husband was doing very well. It was about me and using my days in a very rewarding way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

Have him do 50% for a few months before you do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

This exactly how I feel, and why I stopped working in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

But you wanted to work and/or needed the money? According to OP, that's not the case here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

This exactly how I feel, and why I stopped working in the first place.

+1

[Anonymous]

I got a job that allows me to work part time (and be very flexible during school holidays) but pays decently. That was the selling point for my DH -- I was able to find a job that was part-time but with a very good hourly rate. I'd still definitely make more money if I worked full time, but then we'd have to spend more money on childcare and either hire house cleaners or have a messy house all the time. It was very obvious to him that having me limit my hours so I could spend more time with our kids was going to benefit everyone.

I think often the perception is that SAHMs are just sitting around doing nothing. It's frustrating because even if you are working hard every day, people will seize on any example of a SAHM enjoying the perks of her job (like a flexible schedule or, gasp, doing a fun activity with her kids) as evidence that they don't do anything. It's ridiculous because when I worked full time, people didn't assume that just because my office had free snacks, I was useless and lazy. But SAHMs do not get that benefit of the doubt.

So I think the key is to talk to him about the value you provide your family and state in concrete terms what it would cost the family for you to return to work. So if you are meal planning, cleaning, taking care of the kids after school, getting them to activities and also doing all the legwork in getting them enrolled, handling most/all parent commitments at school etc., talk to him about what it would cost to outsource those activities, or what it would look like for your family to go without. Be pointed about it. Outline the real costs. If after that he still thinks you should go back full time, I think you have a husband problem.