SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything about this thread just makes me feel bad. It’s so anti-woman. We don’t all need or want the same thing. Feelings and circumstances change over time. Nobody does it perfectly. Congrats especially to the people that shop and cook for the week on the weekends. Being smug about what works for you doesn’t really make you a better person for it. Nor does owning 5 cars for 4 people and managing your home and beach house—a lot of work and kudos to your management but at any point does your soul feel empty? Especially now that you’re so DONE with volunteering? I swear I can’t even tell the difference between real and satirical posts. It’s all so depressing.

Yes, I think most of these women (both SAH and WOH in this thread) seem miserable. Even when they are talking up or outright bragging their situation, it comes across as either smug or like they are desperately trying to convince themselves of something. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is indeed a very depressing thread. I've been both: a career person and a SAHM for 10 years. I don't understand what all these SAHM do after kids are off to college. My son is in high school, and his friends matter more to him now than either parent. Honestly I am SO BORED after divorce! My job is what's saving me from a deep depression: it's nice meeting other people daily, do some projects, be on calls.

I can afford not to work living off divorce settlement but I would be drinking big time or something just sitting home.

And yes, I had that noisy, happy marriage (initially until he started living double life) with 3 homes, 3 cars, international travel, dinners with friends, charity events etc. Its all gone in a matter of 2 years.

Having gone through this in my own life, I strongly recommend any educated woman not to leave professional field.

Hmmm...You are divorced. Your kid is with his friends (in a pandemic? okey-dokey). You were ultra rich (3 houses, international travel, charity events). So your lifestyle was certainly a bit different from my lifestyle as a SAHM.

I am with my DH and I have a happy marriage. My DH does not travel and he is home with me every day. He is an involved dad, our main cook, and we share our hobbies. We don't have a jet setting lifestyle (1 home, international travel together, no charity events), and our kids are really working their butts off in public schools in a rigorous STEM programs. When they hang with their friends, we know who they are.

Sorry, your narrative is the narrative of people with unhappy marriages and dysfunctional families. How easily you have said that your kids are ok with their friends and care more about them than either of their parents. Really? My kids would be a mess if ever mom-dad were not together and our family broke up. We are their rock.

There is a big misstep in your life and that misstep is not that you were a SAHM or gave up your professional life. In your case, you being in a job would not have stopped your husband cheating or your divorce. You being a WOHM would not have stopped your kid being not connected to either of his parent.

In fact, you may have reaped whatever you sowed. Your family life would have been what it is regardless of if you were a SAHM or a WOHM.

I only have one child. The divorce lasted for 3 years, and he did so tired of parents fighting that he doesn't want to be involved either with dad or with me much. He lives mostly with me: very academically oriented. Yes, he's in private school: the school is fully in-person now so he's back home at 4. Regardless of how my marriage would have ended, I would be still bored doing nothing till 4pm.

Dont judge your own or others marriage until you know: men are capable of all kind of things. I can write a book "my husband's double life" some day. The marriage didn't feel to me dysfunctional at all until probably 2 years prior to me finding out his affair. Everyone was shocked when we split after 18 years.

Men are indeed capable of doing a lot of things but so are women. For whatever reason your marriage was dysfunctional. It would have remained dysfunctional even if you would have continued in the work force.

Your employment status had nothing to do with how your life turned out. Your life is not a cautionary tale about the perils of being a SAHM. Being a WOHM would not have changed anything about your final outcomes. You would still have had an only child with no siblings who would witnessed parental fights and been distressed, You would have still thought of drinking big time if you had to be home, your husband would have still cheated, you would have still been divorced...

In short, lots of things about your life truly sucks. It would not have been different if you were working. A friend of mine passed away recently. For all her life she tolerated a jerk of a DH who had affairs and mistreated her and their children. She out earned him and outranked him. She was economically emancipated and yet unable to get rid of her DH. I lost all respect for her and all her professional accomplishments are suspect in my eye because she did not divorce him. Her life would not have turned out any different if she was a SAHM. Of course, she would have spent more life with her kids if she had the time to be home. She leaned in to her career because there was nothing to lean in to at home. Kids got raised by nannies though they still cried like babies throughout the memorial and funeral. Her life would not have ended differently if she SAH. Same shitty man who shirked all responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is indeed a very depressing thread. I've been both: a career person and a SAHM for 10 years. I don't understand what all these SAHM do after kids are off to college. My son is in high school, and his friends matter more to him now than either parent. Honestly I am SO BORED after divorce! My job is what's saving me from a deep depression: it's nice meeting other people daily, do some projects, be on calls.

I can afford not to work living off divorce settlement but I would be drinking big time or something just sitting home.

And yes, I had that noisy, happy marriage (initially until he started living double life) with 3 homes, 3 cars, international travel, dinners with friends, charity events etc. Its all gone in a matter of 2 years.

Having gone through this in my own life, I strongly recommend any educated woman not to leave professional field.

Hmmm...You are divorced. Your kid is with his friends (in a pandemic? okey-dokey). You were ultra rich (3 houses, international travel, charity events). So your lifestyle was certainly a bit different from my lifestyle as a SAHM.

I am with my DH and I have a happy marriage. My DH does not travel and he is home with me every day. He is an involved dad, our main cook, and we share our hobbies. We don't have a jet setting lifestyle (1 home, international travel together, no charity events), and our kids are really working their butts off in public schools in a rigorous STEM programs. When they hang with their friends, we know who they are.

Sorry, your narrative is the narrative of people with unhappy marriages and dysfunctional families. How easily you have said that your kids are ok with their friends and care more about them than either of their parents. Really? My kids would be a mess if ever mom-dad were not together and our family broke up. We are their rock.

There is a big misstep in your life and that misstep is not that you were a SAHM or gave up your professional life. In your case, you being in a job would not have stopped your husband cheating or your divorce. You being a WOHM would not have stopped your kid being not connected to either of his parent.

In fact, you may have reaped whatever you sowed. Your family life would have been what it is regardless of if you were a SAHM or a WOHM.

I only have one child. The divorce lasted for 3 years, and he did so tired of parents fighting that he doesn't want to be involved either with dad or with me much. He lives mostly with me: very academically oriented. Yes, he's in private school: the school is fully in-person now so he's back home at 4. Regardless of how my marriage would have ended, I would be still bored doing nothing till 4pm.

Dont judge your own or others marriage until you know: men are capable of all kind of things. I can write a book "my husband's double life" some day. The marriage didn't feel to me dysfunctional at all until probably 2 years prior to me finding out his affair. Everyone was shocked when we split after 18 years.

Men are indeed capable of doing a lot of things but so are women. For whatever reason your marriage was dysfunctional. It would have remained dysfunctional even if you would have continued in the work force.

Your employment status had nothing to do with how your life turned out. Your life is not a cautionary tale about the perils of being a SAHM. Being a WOHM would not have changed anything about your final outcomes. You would still have had an only child with no siblings who would witnessed parental fights and been distressed, You would have still thought of drinking big time if you had to be home, your husband would have still cheated, you would have still been divorced...

In short, lots of things about your life truly sucks. It would not have been different if you were working. A friend of mine passed away recently. For all her life she tolerated a jerk of a DH who had affairs and mistreated her and their children. She out earned him and outranked him. She was economically emancipated and yet unable to get rid of her DH. I lost all respect for her and all her professional accomplishments are suspect in my eye because she did not divorce him. Her life would not have turned out any different if she was a SAHM. Of course, she would have spent more life with her kids if she had the time to be home. She leaned in to her career because there was nothing to lean in to at home. Kids got raised by nannies though they still cried like babies throughout the memorial and funeral. Her life would not have ended differently if she SAH. Same shitty man who shirked all responsibilities.

I agree that I had a shitty husband. But he wasn’t abusive or uninvolved as you describe. Shitty nature showed in 15 years. We were not fighting prior to divorce. If I worked I would have left him 3 years sooner and had more established life myself with career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is indeed a very depressing thread. I've been both: a career person and a SAHM for 10 years. I don't understand what all these SAHM do after kids are off to college. My son is in high school, and his friends matter more to him now than either parent. Honestly I am SO BORED after divorce! My job is what's saving me from a deep depression: it's nice meeting other people daily, do some projects, be on calls.

I can afford not to work living off divorce settlement but I would be drinking big time or something just sitting home.

And yes, I had that noisy, happy marriage (initially until he started living double life) with 3 homes, 3 cars, international travel, dinners with friends, charity events etc. Its all gone in a matter of 2 years.

Having gone through this in my own life, I strongly recommend any educated woman not to leave professional field.

Hmmm...You are divorced. Your kid is with his friends (in a pandemic? okey-dokey). You were ultra rich (3 houses, international travel, charity events). So your lifestyle was certainly a bit different from my lifestyle as a SAHM.

I am with my DH and I have a happy marriage. My DH does not travel and he is home with me every day. He is an involved dad, our main cook, and we share our hobbies. We don't have a jet setting lifestyle (1 home, international travel together, no charity events), and our kids are really working their butts off in public schools in a rigorous STEM programs. When they hang with their friends, we know who they are.

Sorry, your narrative is the narrative of people with unhappy marriages and dysfunctional families. How easily you have said that your kids are ok with their friends and care more about them than either of their parents. Really? My kids would be a mess if ever mom-dad were not together and our family broke up. We are their rock.

There is a big misstep in your life and that misstep is not that you were a SAHM or gave up your professional life. In your case, you being in a job would not have stopped your husband cheating or your divorce. You being a WOHM would not have stopped your kid being not connected to either of his parent.

In fact, you may have reaped whatever you sowed. Your family life would have been what it is regardless of if you were a SAHM or a WOHM.

I only have one child. The divorce lasted for 3 years, and he did so tired of parents fighting that he doesn't want to be involved either with dad or with me much. He lives mostly with me: very academically oriented. Yes, he's in private school: the school is fully in-person now so he's back home at 4. Regardless of how my marriage would have ended, I would be still bored doing nothing till 4pm.

Dont judge your own or others marriage until you know: men are capable of all kind of things. I can write a book "my husband's double life" some day. The marriage didn't feel to me dysfunctional at all until probably 2 years prior to me finding out his affair. Everyone was shocked when we split after 18 years.

Men are indeed capable of doing a lot of things but so are women. For whatever reason your marriage was dysfunctional. It would have remained dysfunctional even if you would have continued in the work force.

Your employment status had nothing to do with how your life turned out. Your life is not a cautionary tale about the perils of being a SAHM. Being a WOHM would not have changed anything about your final outcomes. You would still have had an only child with no siblings who would witnessed parental fights and been distressed, You would have still thought of drinking big time if you had to be home, your husband would have still cheated, you would have still been divorced...

In short, lots of things about your life truly sucks. It would not have been different if you were working. A friend of mine passed away recently. For all her life she tolerated a jerk of a DH who had affairs and mistreated her and their children. She out earned him and outranked him. She was economically emancipated and yet unable to get rid of her DH. I lost all respect for her and all her professional accomplishments are suspect in my eye because she did not divorce him. Her life would not have turned out any different if she was a SAHM. Of course, she would have spent more life with her kids if she had the time to be home. She leaned in to her career because there was nothing to lean in to at home. Kids got raised by nannies though they still cried like babies throughout the memorial and funeral. Her life would not have ended differently if she SAH. Same shitty man who shirked all responsibilities.

Curious, are you as good a spouse and a parent as you were a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is indeed a very depressing thread. I've been both: a career person and a SAHM for 10 years. I don't understand what all these SAHM do after kids are off to college. My son is in high school, and his friends matter more to him now than either parent. Honestly I am SO BORED after divorce! My job is what's saving me from a deep depression: it's nice meeting other people daily, do some projects, be on calls.

I can afford not to work living off divorce settlement but I would be drinking big time or something just sitting home.

And yes, I had that noisy, happy marriage (initially until he started living double life) with 3 homes, 3 cars, international travel, dinners with friends, charity events etc. Its all gone in a matter of 2 years.

Having gone through this in my own life, I strongly recommend any educated woman not to leave professional field.

Hmmm...You are divorced. Your kid is with his friends (in a pandemic? okey-dokey). You were ultra rich (3 houses, international travel, charity events). So your lifestyle was certainly a bit different from my lifestyle as a SAHM.

I am with my DH and I have a happy marriage. My DH does not travel and he is home with me every day. He is an involved dad, our main cook, and we share our hobbies. We don't have a jet setting lifestyle (1 home, international travel together, no charity events), and our kids are really working their butts off in public schools in a rigorous STEM programs. When they hang with their friends, we know who they are.

Sorry, your narrative is the narrative of people with unhappy marriages and dysfunctional families. How easily you have said that your kids are ok with their friends and care more about them than either of their parents. Really? My kids would be a mess if ever mom-dad were not together and our family broke up. We are their rock.

There is a big misstep in your life and that misstep is not that you were a SAHM or gave up your professional life. In your case, you being in a job would not have stopped your husband cheating or your divorce. You being a WOHM would not have stopped your kid being not connected to either of his parent.

In fact, you may have reaped whatever you sowed. Your family life would have been what it is regardless of if you were a SAHM or a WOHM.

I only have one child. The divorce lasted for 3 years, and he did so tired of parents fighting that he doesn't want to be involved either with dad or with me much. He lives mostly with me: very academically oriented. Yes, he's in private school: the school is fully in-person now so he's back home at 4. Regardless of how my marriage would have ended, I would be still bored doing nothing till 4pm.

Dont judge your own or others marriage until you know: men are capable of all kind of things. I can write a book "my husband's double life" some day. The marriage didn't feel to me dysfunctional at all until probably 2 years prior to me finding out his affair. Everyone was shocked when we split after 18 years.

Men are indeed capable of doing a lot of things but so are women. For whatever reason your marriage was dysfunctional. It would have remained dysfunctional even if you would have continued in the work force.

Your employment status had nothing to do with how your life turned out. Your life is not a cautionary tale about the perils of being a SAHM. Being a WOHM would not have changed anything about your final outcomes. You would still have had an only child with no siblings who would witnessed parental fights and been distressed, You would have still thought of drinking big time if you had to be home, your husband would have still cheated, you would have still been divorced...

In short, lots of things about your life truly sucks. It would not have been different if you were working. A friend of mine passed away recently. For all her life she tolerated a jerk of a DH who had affairs and mistreated her and their children. She out earned him and outranked him. She was economically emancipated and yet unable to get rid of her DH. I lost all respect for her and all her professional accomplishments are suspect in my eye because she did not divorce him. Her life would not have turned out any different if she was a SAHM. Of course, she would have spent more life with her kids if she had the time to be home. She leaned in to her career because there was nothing to lean in to at home. Kids got raised by nannies though they still cried like babies throughout the memorial and funeral. Her life would not have ended differently if she SAH. Same shitty man who shirked all responsibilities.

Curious, are you as good a spouse and a parent as you were a friend?

DP. Yeah, no kidding. What an awful person that poster is. The nastiness of that post blew me away. Sheesh, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

[Anonymous]

I honestly would make watching 'Maid' on Netflix compulsory viewing for any woman who thinks of SAH.

[Anonymous]

Biglaw partner, and in retrospect I wish DW kept a foot in the workforce. She is bored, unhappy and I think she resents me. We are rocky now and if we split, it would be easier for both of us if she had a job.

FYI, I met with a lawyer, there is no lifetime alimony, but she would get 2-5 years of rehabilitative. I do not with her to be poor, she's the mother of my children and I hope she finds a good job, and soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw partner, and in retrospect I wish DW kept a foot in the workforce. She is bored, unhappy and I think she resents me. We are rocky now and if we split, it would be easier for both of us if she had a job.

FYI, I met with a lawyer, there is no lifetime alimony, but she would get 2-5 years of rehabilitative. I do not with her to be poor, she's the mother of my children and I hope she finds a good job, and soon.

And before I get pounced on, I had no problem with her decision to stay home, it was hers and it worked for years, until it didn't. Money was never a source of stress. In fact, he being home allowed both of us to relax during non work hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw partner, and in retrospect I wish DW kept a foot in the workforce. She is bored, unhappy and I think she resents me. We are rocky now and if we split, it would be easier for both of us if she had a job.

FYI, I met with a lawyer, there is no lifetime alimony, but she would get 2-5 years of rehabilitative. I do not with her to be poor, she's the mother of my children and I hope she finds a good job, and soon.

Do you have joint assets ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH convinced me to stay at home long term. He is very grateful. What can I say? I am riding the gravy with dumplings train. Only hitch was when Pandemic happened and all of them were working from home....ughhhhh. Open already.

But do you worry about what this says to your daughters, about a women's worth or potential?

Just seems SO outdated to me.

I can help my child apply to grad school now, because I have a PhD. I guess you would pay some consultant to do that.

It's just a different type of farming out. I will try not to look down on yours, if you don't strut around thinking you have won some gravy train.

Meh! I have a PhD too. My kid is in grad school too (and a high paying STEM field too). My kids have always been high achievers. Personally, I get my jolliies by guiding poor but smart kids into college. Gratis. I also happen to be rich and hot, and my DH is a high earner who dotes on me. I really don't mind having a mind and the looks and great family life and the gravy train. Choo choo.

NP. Look, I don’t have a dog in this fight, but how are you not afraid that you’re in the beginning scenes of some domestic drama movie?

I come from a culture where bragging about your good fortune is an open invitation to the bad spirits to take it all away from you, and I just marvel that anyone could write something like this without being filled with fear! I don’t know what culture this poster is from but it’s certainly not one that fears being punished for flaunting luck.. culture is so weird and cool.

It's either made up or that PP is a sociopath. Either way, no need to worry about it.

Yep. Many posts on this thread are complete fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw partner, and in retrospect I wish DW kept a foot in the workforce. She is bored, unhappy and I think she resents me. We are rocky now and if we split, it would be easier for both of us if she had a job.

FYI, I met with a lawyer, there is no lifetime alimony, but she would get 2-5 years of rehabilitative. I do not with her to be poor, she's the mother of my children and I hope she finds a good job, and soon.

Do you have joint assets ?

two houses and a retirement account. She will get almost half. I make a good salary but its true that divorce knocks us both down a peg.

She will have more in assets than if she married a teacher, but she will need to get back to the workforce. She wants to as far as I can tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw partner, and in retrospect I wish DW kept a foot in the workforce. She is bored, unhappy and I think she resents me. We are rocky now and if we split, it would be easier for both of us if she had a job.

FYI, I met with a lawyer, there is no lifetime alimony, but she would get 2-5 years of rehabilitative. I do not with her to be poor, she's the mother of my children and I hope she finds a good job, and soon.

Do you have joint assets ?

two houses and a retirement account. She will get almost half. I make a good salary but its true that divorce knocks us both down a peg.

She will have more in assets than if she married a teacher, but she will need to get back to the workforce. She wants to as far as I can tell.

I bet she does, but it's very hard to catch up for lawyers who were out of workforce for so long. The ex spouse who didn't work is on a losing side. Both get 50% of assets, but the one who didn't work loses lifetime earnings of over $2mm, and alimony won't cover that.

I wish I didn't make this mistake and worked when I was married to a higher earner, at least part time. It was particularly painful when he dumped me for a high earning colleague. I was at home as our son is mildly autistic and initially it worked well. Until he started sleeping with corporate whores (all divorced, older with multiple kids). But it was just too hard for him to bear emotionally a family with sick child, constant therapies, school visits etc.

My exH literally told me "You are nobody and I don't need a cook in the kitchen, don't plan to spend retirement with you", as soon as our son turned 15 and started excelling at school.

Now he shows off our son and his achievements as fruit of his own labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is indeed a very depressing thread. I've been both: a career person and a SAHM for 10 years. I don't understand what all these SAHM do after kids are off to college. My son is in high school, and his friends matter more to him now than either parent. Honestly I am SO BORED after divorce! My job is what's saving me from a deep depression: it's nice meeting other people daily, do some projects, be on calls.

I can afford not to work living off divorce settlement but I would be drinking big time or something just sitting home.

And yes, I had that noisy, happy marriage (initially until he started living double life) with 3 homes, 3 cars, international travel, dinners with friends, charity events etc. Its all gone in a matter of 2 years.

Having gone through this in my own life, I strongly recommend any educated woman not to leave professional field.

Hmmm...You are divorced. Your kid is with his friends (in a pandemic? okey-dokey). You were ultra rich (3 houses, international travel, charity events). So your lifestyle was certainly a bit different from my lifestyle as a SAHM.

I am with my DH and I have a happy marriage. My DH does not travel and he is home with me every day. He is an involved dad, our main cook, and we share our hobbies. We don't have a jet setting lifestyle (1 home, international travel together, no charity events), and our kids are really working their butts off in public schools in a rigorous STEM programs. When they hang with their friends, we know who they are.

Sorry, your narrative is the narrative of people with unhappy marriages and dysfunctional families. How easily you have said that your kids are ok with their friends and care more about them than either of their parents. Really? My kids would be a mess if ever mom-dad were not together and our family broke up. We are their rock.

There is a big misstep in your life and that misstep is not that you were a SAHM or gave up your professional life. In your case, you being in a job would not have stopped your husband cheating or your divorce. You being a WOHM would not have stopped your kid being not connected to either of his parent.

In fact, you may have reaped whatever you sowed. Your family life would have been what it is regardless of if you were a SAHM or a WOHM.

I only have one child. The divorce lasted for 3 years, and he did so tired of parents fighting that he doesn't want to be involved either with dad or with me much. He lives mostly with me: very academically oriented. Yes, he's in private school: the school is fully in-person now so he's back home at 4. Regardless of how my marriage would have ended, I would be still bored doing nothing till 4pm.

Dont judge your own or others marriage until you know: men are capable of all kind of things. I can write a book "my husband's double life" some day. The marriage didn't feel to me dysfunctional at all until probably 2 years prior to me finding out his affair. Everyone was shocked when we split after 18 years.

Men are indeed capable of doing a lot of things but so are women. For whatever reason your marriage was dysfunctional. It would have remained dysfunctional even if you would have continued in the work force.

Your employment status had nothing to do with how your life turned out. Your life is not a cautionary tale about the perils of being a SAHM. Being a WOHM would not have changed anything about your final outcomes. You would still have had an only child with no siblings who would witnessed parental fights and been distressed, You would have still thought of drinking big time if you had to be home, your husband would have still cheated, you would have still been divorced...

In short, lots of things about your life truly sucks. It would not have been different if you were working. A friend of mine passed away recently. For all her life she tolerated a jerk of a DH who had affairs and mistreated her and their children. She out earned him and outranked him. She was economically emancipated and yet unable to get rid of her DH. I lost all respect for her and all her professional accomplishments are suspect in my eye because she did not divorce him. Her life would not have turned out any different if she was a SAHM. Of course, she would have spent more life with her kids if she had the time to be home. She leaned in to her career because there was nothing to lean in to at home. Kids got raised by nannies though they still cried like babies throughout the memorial and funeral. Her life would not have ended differently if she SAH. Same shitty man who shirked all responsibilities.

Curious, are you as good a spouse and a parent as you were a friend?

Save your sanctimony. You cannot live someone else's life for them. As a friend, you stand by your friends and relatives through thick and thin. Seeing blatant mental and physical abuse, seeing an accomplished woman take that kind of heinous abuse when they have ample choice and means to leave, for their own sake and the sake of their children - you also undergo bystander's trauma. You do not remain unscathed either.

Her life choices will forever remain a cautionary tale in my mind. No one deserves to be abused in a marriage and no one must stay in an abusive situation. Should I assert that she was abused just because she was a WOHM? That, if only if she was a SAHM, her life would have been easier and her marriage better? Maybe, her husband would have been stable? Not given to violence? Maybe all he wanted was a hot meal when he came back home? Was he just HANGRY??? No. This is all nonsense. If you are married to a terrible NPD cruel person who gaslights you and your children all the time, the fault does not lie in your employment status. If that was the case, we would have only seen either WOHMs or SAHMs with terrible marriages.

So, why would anyone come to this forum, give anecdata to show that being a SAHM or WOHM is the sole reason for their marital and personal bliss or complete lack of? Take some personal responsibility and use some common sense. Sheesh!!

[Anonymous]

The path to true happiness is to never marry, have a job where you work 9 to 5, and not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is indeed a very depressing thread. I've been both: a career person and a SAHM for 10 years. I don't understand what all these SAHM do after kids are off to college. My son is in high school, and his friends matter more to him now than either parent. Honestly I am SO BORED after divorce! My job is what's saving me from a deep depression: it's nice meeting other people daily, do some projects, be on calls.

I can afford not to work living off divorce settlement but I would be drinking big time or something just sitting home.

And yes, I had that noisy, happy marriage (initially until he started living double life) with 3 homes, 3 cars, international travel, dinners with friends, charity events etc. Its all gone in a matter of 2 years.

Having gone through this in my own life, I strongly recommend any educated woman not to leave professional field.

Hmmm...You are divorced. Your kid is with his friends (in a pandemic? okey-dokey). You were ultra rich (3 houses, international travel, charity events). So your lifestyle was certainly a bit different from my lifestyle as a SAHM.

I am with my DH and I have a happy marriage. My DH does not travel and he is home with me every day. He is an involved dad, our main cook, and we share our hobbies. We don't have a jet setting lifestyle (1 home, international travel together, no charity events), and our kids are really working their butts off in public schools in a rigorous STEM programs. When they hang with their friends, we know who they are.

Sorry, your narrative is the narrative of people with unhappy marriages and dysfunctional families. How easily you have said that your kids are ok with their friends and care more about them than either of their parents. Really? My kids would be a mess if ever mom-dad were not together and our family broke up. We are their rock.

There is a big misstep in your life and that misstep is not that you were a SAHM or gave up your professional life. In your case, you being in a job would not have stopped your husband cheating or your divorce. You being a WOHM would not have stopped your kid being not connected to either of his parent.

In fact, you may have reaped whatever you sowed. Your family life would have been what it is regardless of if you were a SAHM or a WOHM.

I only have one child. The divorce lasted for 3 years, and he did so tired of parents fighting that he doesn't want to be involved either with dad or with me much. He lives mostly with me: very academically oriented. Yes, he's in private school: the school is fully in-person now so he's back home at 4. Regardless of how my marriage would have ended, I would be still bored doing nothing till 4pm.

Dont judge your own or others marriage until you know: men are capable of all kind of things. I can write a book "my husband's double life" some day. The marriage didn't feel to me dysfunctional at all until probably 2 years prior to me finding out his affair. Everyone was shocked when we split after 18 years.

Men are indeed capable of doing a lot of things but so are women. For whatever reason your marriage was dysfunctional. It would have remained dysfunctional even if you would have continued in the work force.

Your employment status had nothing to do with how your life turned out. Your life is not a cautionary tale about the perils of being a SAHM. Being a WOHM would not have changed anything about your final outcomes. You would still have had an only child with no siblings who would witnessed parental fights and been distressed, You would have still thought of drinking big time if you had to be home, your husband would have still cheated, you would have still been divorced...

In short, lots of things about your life truly sucks. It would not have been different if you were working. A friend of mine passed away recently. For all her life she tolerated a jerk of a DH who had affairs and mistreated her and their children. She out earned him and outranked him. She was economically emancipated and yet unable to get rid of her DH. I lost all respect for her and all her professional accomplishments are suspect in my eye because she did not divorce him. Her life would not have turned out any different if she was a SAHM. Of course, she would have spent more life with her kids if she had the time to be home. She leaned in to her career because there was nothing to lean in to at home. Kids got raised by nannies though they still cried like babies throughout the memorial and funeral. Her life would not have ended differently if she SAH. Same shitty man who shirked all responsibilities.

Curious, are you as good a spouse and a parent as you were a friend?

Save your sanctimony. You cannot live someone else's life for them. As a friend, you stand by your friends and relatives through thick and thin. Seeing blatant mental and physical abuse, seeing an accomplished woman take that kind of heinous abuse when they have ample choice and means to leave, for their own sake and the sake of their children - you also undergo bystander's trauma. You do not remain unscathed either.

Her life choices will forever remain a cautionary tale in my mind. No one deserves to be abused in a marriage and no one must stay in an abusive situation. Should I assert that she was abused just because she was a WOHM? That, if only if she was a SAHM, her life would have been easier and her marriage better? Maybe, her husband would have been stable? Not given to violence? Maybe all he wanted was a hot meal when he came back home? Was he just HANGRY??? No. This is all nonsense. If you are married to a terrible NPD cruel person who gaslights you and your children all the time, the fault does not lie in your employment status. If that was the case, we would have only seen either WOHMs or SAHMs with terrible marriages.

So, why would anyone come to this forum, give anecdata to show that being a SAHM or WOHM is the sole reason for their marital and personal bliss or complete lack of? Take some personal responsibility and use some common sense. Sheesh!!

You have obvious problems with logical thinking. Previous posters you responded to didn't say SAHM or WOHM resulted in their marital problems. They were saying that remaining in the workforce protects future earnings and parent economic stability, and there are ways to remain in the workforce without such a huge hit to career.