SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

The same people bashing SAHMs on this post are usually the same ones who request a lot of help from. Regardless of what age your child is there are lots of “things” that come ad hoc. I am a SAHM and happy to help working moms but let’s not act like SAHMs do absolutely nothing all day. And even if we/they did why is that anyone else’s business!

[Anonymous]

I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.


I haven't worked in years and I don't feel as if I need to justify it to anyone! I am pretty happy not working and my dh is fine with it as well!

[Anonymous]

I work … a lot … Bc I love to work and I despise taking care of the house. I basically work so I have so much disposable income that I never have to do the dishwasher, trash, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. We have a ton of help - anyway OP - my DH is happy if I work or happy if I don’t work - but I’m sure I’d resent him telling me I HAVE to work … unless we needed the $$. Have you asked him why? Does he have a money target for you to make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource. I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

Doctors apts and school meetings? For 10+ year olds? There’s like 4 events there?

Deciding on activities — I’ll ask the kid and sign them up with a glass of wine (for me not the kid)

Trust me a professional organizer will makes things work much better than you ever will; they have seen hundreds of families, you aren’t special.

Toys are pretty age specific, so any adult will likely be able to tackle 90% of that.

Sure you are responsible for entertaining family and friends, or you can just suggest to meet up for dinner somewhere or a vacation spot.

I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

I don't think I was asking you

So I’m the actual poster that said I pay for a stay at home wife and you have good questions. The fact is that I bear more of the mental load while my husband does more of the “labor.” Like, I haven’t taken my kid to the dentist in years. That is my husband’s problem. But I also hire people that I trust to make decisions. I say “Kid2 wants to do baking, theater and art this summer. Find the camps and book them.” And the person that works for me does this.

And honestly, my kids have had brain surgeries, chemo, etc. I don’t give a crap that I don’t go to the annual doctors visit. My nanny has the paperwork to take them for a strep test, etc. it is fine. I have a very heightened bar for what is an actual problem due to extraordinary medical issues in my kids.

I don’t really prep for people coming to visit other than saying “please make sure you put clean sheets on the bed.” I might make chili which people love and is super easy and I can make it a few days ahead.

I think in general I have a view of parenting that many would see as more paternal than maternal. I don’t sweat all the details.

I hate shopping. The vast majority of my kids clothes have been bought by the grandmothers, which I love. My kid actually just told me this week that she would like to go shopping for her own clothes so I will take her this weekend. But I’ve pretty much avoided this for 10 years.

I also have a kid with profound special needs. We alternate getting up with her since she still sleeps like a baby. We will be changing diapers forever, etc until she goes to a group home. So, my main focus is how to get enough sleep, and not so much whether I have a perfect home.

We are very, very lucky that we can afford an extraordinary amount of help. And I know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource? I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

I’m also curious how you found this person! How did you structure childcare and household management?

Did your child go to daycare and you hired this extra person to deal with doctors appointments? What was their title? Or did it start with a nanny whose role expanded? Please share!

[Anonymous]

I pay someone like the PP - she handles a lot of what you list - changing clothes, recycling toys etc - I’ve always bought all of their clothes (usually from my phone or laptop early in the morning). I’ve gone to almost all dr and dentist appts in their life. I’m at a level where people don’t question my schedule. Hell my boss has five kids and I only have two! I miss most practices that are after school but help coach the sports teams that meet in the evenings. But I outsource allllll household stuff - no grocer shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, organizing etc. which frees me up for the rest. I’ve never missed a parent teacher conference or school performance - recitals and sport stuff is usually evening and weekend. My husband owns his own businesses so he does more afternoon pick ups (when our employee is taking kid A one place and kid B needs to go another)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource. I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

Doctors apts and school meetings? For 10+ year olds? There’s like 4 events there?

Deciding on activities — I’ll ask the kid and sign them up with a glass of wine (for me not the kid)

Trust me a professional organizer will makes things work much better than you ever will; they have seen hundreds of families, you aren’t special.

Toys are pretty age specific, so any adult will likely be able to tackle 90% of that.

Sure you are responsible for entertaining family and friends, or you can just suggest to meet up for dinner somewhere or a vacation spot.

I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

I don't think I was asking you

So I’m the actual poster that said I pay for a stay at home wife and you have good questions. The fact is that I bear more of the mental load while my husband does more of the “labor.” Like, I haven’t taken my kid to the dentist in years. That is my husband’s problem. But I also hire people that I trust to make decisions. I say “Kid2 wants to do baking, theater and art this summer. Find the camps and book them.” And the person that works for me does this.

And honestly, my kids have had brain surgeries, chemo, etc. I don’t give a crap that I don’t go to the annual doctors visit. My nanny has the paperwork to take them for a strep test, etc. it is fine. I have a very heightened bar for what is an actual problem due to extraordinary medical issues in my kids.

I don’t really prep for people coming to visit other than saying “please make sure you put clean sheets on the bed.” I might make chili which people love and is super easy and I can make it a few days ahead.

I think in general I have a view of parenting that many would see as more paternal than maternal. I don’t sweat all the details.

I hate shopping. The vast majority of my kids clothes have been bought by the grandmothers, which I love. My kid actually just told me this week that she would like to go shopping for her own clothes so I will take her this weekend. But I’ve pretty much avoided this for 10 years.

I also have a kid with profound special needs. We alternate getting up with her since she still sleeps like a baby. We will be changing diapers forever, etc until she goes to a group home. So, my main focus is how to get enough sleep, and not so much whether I have a perfect home.

We are very, very lucky that we can afford an extraordinary amount of help. And I know this.

Thanks PP. Makes sense - you share and prioritize, eliminate. I also think you guys have ALOT more money than others on this thread, and you earned it. You have had more challenges and suffering, and I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource? I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

I’m also curious how you found this person! How did you structure childcare and household management?

Did your child go to daycare and you hired this extra person to deal with doctors appointments? What was their title? Or did it start with a nanny whose role expanded? Please share!

We started with a nanny years ago. I ended up with one kid with special needs and then one with cancer (I hope people don’t think I’m a troll now!!). This changed our lives in ways you cannot imagine. We basically had both a nanny and then evening and weekend help for years. Special needs kid is a baby forever essentially. My nanny during chemo was amazing. She did all the blood draw appointments while my husband and I split up the chemo days for almost a year and a half.

As my younger kid moved out of almost three years of cancer treatment, we still needed help. Now that younger kid is a lot older, and I have backed off a little on the evening/weekend help — but we will have some help several evenings and part of the weekend.

It is my daily person that comes mostly during the school day where my husband and I debate whether we should cut this out. The reality is that I pay for 36 hours, but I really only have 25 hours of work a week for her probably. She is basically a nanny/household manager. She gets kids to school and then does all the day to say stuff to run our household. But, I bear the mental load of managing all she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource. I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

Doctors apts and school meetings? For 10+ year olds? There’s like 4 events there?

Deciding on activities — I’ll ask the kid and sign them up with a glass of wine (for me not the kid)

Trust me a professional organizer will makes things work much better than you ever will; they have seen hundreds of families, you aren’t special.

Toys are pretty age specific, so any adult will likely be able to tackle 90% of that.

Sure you are responsible for entertaining family and friends, or you can just suggest to meet up for dinner somewhere or a vacation spot.

I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

I don't think I was asking you

So I’m the actual poster that said I pay for a stay at home wife and you have good questions. The fact is that I bear more of the mental load while my husband does more of the “labor.” Like, I haven’t taken my kid to the dentist in years. That is my husband’s problem. But I also hire people that I trust to make decisions. I say “Kid2 wants to do baking, theater and art this summer. Find the camps and book them.” And the person that works for me does this.

And honestly, my kids have had brain surgeries, chemo, etc. I don’t give a crap that I don’t go to the annual doctors visit. My nanny has the paperwork to take them for a strep test, etc. it is fine. I have a very heightened bar for what is an actual problem due to extraordinary medical issues in my kids.

I don’t really prep for people coming to visit other than saying “please make sure you put clean sheets on the bed.” I might make chili which people love and is super easy and I can make it a few days ahead.

I think in general I have a view of parenting that many would see as more paternal than maternal. I don’t sweat all the details.

I hate shopping. The vast majority of my kids clothes have been bought by the grandmothers, which I love. My kid actually just told me this week that she would like to go shopping for her own clothes so I will take her this weekend. But I’ve pretty much avoided this for 10 years.

I also have a kid with profound special needs. We alternate getting up with her since she still sleeps like a baby. We will be changing diapers forever, etc until she goes to a group home. So, my main focus is how to get enough sleep, and not so much whether I have a perfect home.

We are very, very lucky that we can afford an extraordinary amount of help. And I know this.

Thanks PP. Makes sense - you share and prioritize, eliminate. I also think you guys have ALOT more money than others on this thread, and you earned it. You have had more challenges and suffering, and I am sorry.

Honestly, we just barely had enough to outsource all this in the early days, but we had no other way to survive. During all this time, I have worked my way up to an executive role in a major corporation. So, we can afford it better now. That said, I live in a lower cost of living area than most on this board. And we have given up other things people consider sacred. My neurotypical kid does not have a 529 account (the horror!!). But again, I just have a different perspective. Who the heck knows if she will even go to college or live to see that day??!

I would likely be a very different parent of my kids hadn’t had such crazy medical stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource? I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

I’m also curious how you found this person! How did you structure childcare and household management?

Did your child go to daycare and you hired this extra person to deal with doctors appointments? What was their title? Or did it start with a nanny whose role expanded? Please share!

We started with a nanny years ago. I ended up with one kid with special needs and then one with cancer (I hope people don’t think I’m a troll now!!). This changed our lives in ways you cannot imagine. We basically had both a nanny and then evening and weekend help for years. Special needs kid is a baby forever essentially. My nanny during chemo was amazing. She did all the blood draw appointments while my husband and I split up the chemo days for almost a year and a half.

As my younger kid moved out of almost three years of cancer treatment, we still needed help. Now that younger kid is a lot older, and I have backed off a little on the evening/weekend help — but we will have some help several evenings and part of the weekend.

It is my daily person that comes mostly during the school day where my husband and I debate whether we should cut this out. The reality is that I pay for 36 hours, but I really only have 25 hours of work a week for her probably. She is basically a nanny/household manager. She gets kids to school and then does all the day to say stuff to run our household. But, I bear the mental load of managing all she does.

How much does all that help cost? Thank you for sharing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.


I haven't worked in years and I don't feel as if I need to justify it to anyone! I am pretty happy not working and my dh is fine with it as well!

Np
Sahm motto to judgmental people "running errands" change subject. Don't explain yourself to anyone. You inevitably describe nothing of interest while holding back on the best moments as a humble courtesy. This only pertains to non-supportive acquaintances though. Same goes for anyone with less wealth, time, health... Don't be a show off and don't be defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource. I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

Doctors apts and school meetings? For 10+ year olds? There’s like 4 events there?

Deciding on activities — I’ll ask the kid and sign them up with a glass of wine (for me not the kid)

Trust me a professional organizer will makes things work much better than you ever will; they have seen hundreds of families, you aren’t special.

Toys are pretty age specific, so any adult will likely be able to tackle 90% of that.

Sure you are responsible for entertaining family and friends, or you can just suggest to meet up for dinner somewhere or a vacation spot.

I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

I don't think I was asking you

So I’m the actual poster that said I pay for a stay at home wife and you have good questions. The fact is that I bear more of the mental load while my husband does more of the “labor.” Like, I haven’t taken my kid to the dentist in years. That is my husband’s problem. But I also hire people that I trust to make decisions. I say “Kid2 wants to do baking, theater and art this summer. Find the camps and book them.” And the person that works for me does this.

And honestly, my kids have had brain surgeries, chemo, etc. I don’t give a crap that I don’t go to the annual doctors visit. My nanny has the paperwork to take them for a strep test, etc. it is fine. I have a very heightened bar for what is an actual problem due to extraordinary medical issues in my kids.

I don’t really prep for people coming to visit other than saying “please make sure you put clean sheets on the bed.” I might make chili which people love and is super easy and I can make it a few days ahead.

I think in general I have a view of parenting that many would see as more paternal than maternal. I don’t sweat all the details.

I hate shopping. The vast majority of my kids clothes have been bought by the grandmothers, which I love. My kid actually just told me this week that she would like to go shopping for her own clothes so I will take her this weekend. But I’ve pretty much avoided this for 10 years.

I also have a kid with profound special needs. We alternate getting up with her since she still sleeps like a baby. We will be changing diapers forever, etc until she goes to a group home. So, my main focus is how to get enough sleep, and not so much whether I have a perfect home.

We are very, very lucky that we can afford an extraordinary amount of help. And I know this.

Thanks PP. Makes sense - you share and prioritize, eliminate. I also think you guys have ALOT more money than others on this thread, and you earned it. You have had more challenges and suffering, and I am sorry.

Honestly, we just barely had enough to outsource all this in the early days, but we had no other way to survive. During all this time, I have worked my way up to an executive role in a major corporation. So, we can afford it better now. That said, I live in a lower cost of living area than most on this board. And we have given up other things people consider sacred. My neurotypical kid does not have a 529 account (the horror!!). But again, I just have a different perspective. Who the heck knows if she will even go to college or live to see that day??!

I would likely be a very different parent of my kids hadn’t had such crazy medical stuff.

You are a total badass. I wish you and you family lots of peace and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource. I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

Doctors apts and school meetings? For 10+ year olds? There’s like 4 events there?

Deciding on activities — I’ll ask the kid and sign them up with a glass of wine (for me not the kid)

Trust me a professional organizer will makes things work much better than you ever will; they have seen hundreds of families, you aren’t special.

Toys are pretty age specific, so any adult will likely be able to tackle 90% of that.

Sure you are responsible for entertaining family and friends, or you can just suggest to meet up for dinner somewhere or a vacation spot.

I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

I don't think I was asking you

So I’m the actual poster that said I pay for a stay at home wife and you have good questions. The fact is that I bear more of the mental load while my husband does more of the “labor.” Like, I haven’t taken my kid to the dentist in years. That is my husband’s problem. But I also hire people that I trust to make decisions. I say “Kid2 wants to do baking, theater and art this summer. Find the camps and book them.” And the person that works for me does this.

And honestly, my kids have had brain surgeries, chemo, etc. I don’t give a crap that I don’t go to the annual doctors visit. My nanny has the paperwork to take them for a strep test, etc. it is fine. I have a very heightened bar for what is an actual problem due to extraordinary medical issues in my kids.

I don’t really prep for people coming to visit other than saying “please make sure you put clean sheets on the bed.” I might make chili which people love and is super easy and I can make it a few days ahead.

I think in general I have a view of parenting that many would see as more paternal than maternal. I don’t sweat all the details.

I hate shopping. The vast majority of my kids clothes have been bought by the grandmothers, which I love. My kid actually just told me this week that she would like to go shopping for her own clothes so I will take her this weekend. But I’ve pretty much avoided this for 10 years.

I also have a kid with profound special needs. We alternate getting up with her since she still sleeps like a baby. We will be changing diapers forever, etc until she goes to a group home. So, my main focus is how to get enough sleep, and not so much whether I have a perfect home.

We are very, very lucky that we can afford an extraordinary amount of help. And I know this.

Thanks PP. Makes sense - you share and prioritize, eliminate. I also think you guys have ALOT more money than others on this thread, and you earned it. You have had more challenges and suffering, and I am sorry.

Honestly, we just barely had enough to outsource all this in the early days, but we had no other way to survive. During all this time, I have worked my way up to an executive role in a major corporation. So, we can afford it better now. That said, I live in a lower cost of living area than most on this board. And we have given up other things people consider sacred. My neurotypical kid does not have a 529 account (the horror!!). But again, I just have a different perspective. Who the heck knows if she will even go to college or live to see that day??!

I would likely be a very different parent of my kids hadn’t had such crazy medical stuff.

You are fortunate enough to afford a nanny in terms of income. I have a masters but the profession was not high paying and we could not afford a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource. I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?

Doctors apts and school meetings? For 10+ year olds? There’s like 4 events there?

Deciding on activities — I’ll ask the kid and sign them up with a glass of wine (for me not the kid)

Trust me a professional organizer will makes things work much better than you ever will; they have seen hundreds of families, you aren’t special.

Toys are pretty age specific, so any adult will likely be able to tackle 90% of that.

Sure you are responsible for entertaining family and friends, or you can just suggest to meet up for dinner somewhere or a vacation spot.

I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again.

So am I Sister, so am I!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:RE: What do SAHMs do for 6 hours

Well, what do YOU do on the weekends? SAHMs do that. Don't you have any hobbies? Do you read, work out, listen to podcasts? Do you have pets? Do you ever clean your house? Do you ever volunteer somewhere?

Is it hard for you to fill six hours on a Saturday? It's really not that much time.

Umm on weekends I do the yard work, food shopping, cooking for the week, laundry and prepare everyone for the week ahead. I then rely in the work I did in the weekend to get me through my week of working full time and shuttling kids to sports.

I have a hard time fully comprehending how they fill their days if the sole focus is ‘supporting the house and family’.

Ok well that honestly sounds miserable to me. I don’t want to live like that. Luckily I don’t have to.

I know that sounds obnoxious BUT you’re going to get an obnoxious answer if you ask an obnoxious question.