SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

He can learn. The same way he would if you died tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

I think you are 100% right here. And probably very honest communication is the key. The agreement up to this point, whether it's been explicit or not, is that you handle everything on the home front and his job is accommodated in order to provide a good income. He wants that to change and that's not wrong, but it's also not entirely his decision.

What was the agreement between the two of you when your child was born as far as you not working and for how long?

I agree with others that you should start having him take over 50/50 duties before you even find a job and see how it goes. It might not last long when there's no clean underwear in his drawer or he has to cut a meeting short because of school pickup or whatever.

One thing you don't mention is what type of work he expects you to go back to? Were you some hard charger at Deloitte and he thinks you're going back to that. Or were you a dental hygienist with pretty set hours and salary.

And what's the point of you going back to work from his perspective? If it's that he's resentful that he has a full-time job and you don't that's not a reason. Neither of you got to this point completely on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

He can learn. The same way he would if you died tomorrow.

WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

He can learn. The same way he would if you died tomorrow.

Erm, my mother died when I was in high school and my dad did not pick up the slack. I’d bet dollars to donuts op’s dh wouldn’t manage it either. When the mom is gone some guys really do just drop the ball.

[Anonymous]

If he is resentful, you have an uphill battle.

Would you be okay if be downsized his job? Took a more mellow job with more free time for half the salary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

He can learn. The same way he would if you died tomorrow.

This. My husband doesn't even buy his own underwear and doesn't shop, grocery shop (except if I ask him to pick up milk) or wash the clothes (he will fold). He's very capable and will have to figure it out. However, I am happy to do it as he helps a lot with the school stuff and does a lot of driving to the activities so in all reality my husband really cannot help more as he helps a lot now.

But, he has commented only because I do get bored but he has zero expectation I go back to work and does things like make sure I have easy access to cash and puts money in my 401K to make sure I'll be ok if something happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your dh’s concern? Would he agree that you have plenty of money?

OP, I think maybe he’s jealous? And also doesn’t understand what having 2 FT working parents is like - we’ve never done it. He doesn’t cook, clean, or shop but somehow magically thinks he will do 50% of this if I go back.

We did it with two FT working parents. It was crazy at times but our kids turned out great and somehow our marriage survived and even thrived as we learned we really needed to be a team.

Did you start out that way? I think that’s different. My husband has never had to balance working with the home life. He hasn’t set foot in a grocery store or a mall in literally years and years. He doesn’t cook. How’s he going to do his half?

He can learn. The same way he would if you died tomorrow.

Erm, my mother died when I was in high school and my dad did not pick up the slack. I’d bet dollars to donuts op’s dh wouldn’t manage it either. When the mom is gone some guys really do just drop the ball.

It depends on the person. I don't question my husband will pick up on 100% of everything if I died. He has picked up on more of the school stuff and activities now that he works at home/kids are virtual learning still. Don't underestimate all Dads/husbands. If I went back to work he'd do more too. But I don't' think he wants me to go back as I really hated it and it made him unhappy with me being so unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he work if you won’t?

OP here - my view is, why should I do everything I do now plus a job? I would be insane to agree to that. He’s not going to magically do half.

You shouldn't. He needs to do 1/2 the cooking, 1/2 the cleaning, and help with homework, kids activities and more. Tell him to start magically doing half and when he does it consistently for 3 months you will go back to work. Remind him when you go back to work you will not have sick leave or vacation so he will have to take off work for every school holiday, every sick day and every emergency that comes up until you can build up some leave. Also, tell him he needs to find before/after school care for the kids and arrange for summer camps for all weeks in the summer he cannot take off to be with them.

[Anonymous]

you say your youngest is 10 -- how old are the others? Kids have a lot more activities as they get older -- more intensive ones too. Unless all the kids are driving and you have ample cars to provide for them all...you might find you are busier with a couple of teens and a 10 year old, or two teens eventually or whatever mix you have, than you were with young children, OP. My DH was very happy for me to stay home and get increasingly involve in volunteering at every school; at activities (which became very busy as kids get older--more hours per week, more intensity, more events/performances/games); in scouting, as a troop leader and summer camp volunteer staffer; with an organization that does academic competitions; and so on. If you are the kind of person who likes to get involved and help out with things, and you want to volunteer and help with these types of things, you will find it can be busy (and fulfilling).

You might want to talk with your DH about whether he has an expectation based on...what exactly? It would help you both to articulate where he's coming from and his reasoning:

Did his own mom work outside the home once he was a certain age, so that's what he considers normal and right?
Was he raised in a family where money was tight so he worries about that even if there's technically "enough" money?
Is he concerned about paying for college? That's a pretty legit concern to be honest; college is increasingly expensive, but have you been saving all along?
Is he concerned about his and your retirement as well as college? Again, legit, but what is the current plan you have in place?
Does he just not "get" the tasks you do already? Would he be OK with your staying home if he realizes it facilitates the kids' academics, activities, and the overall household management?

Same goes for you, OP. Why do you feel you want to stay home? Do you plan to go back to a job, just later? Are you in a field where you can return to your previous career, or would paid work later on mean doing something different?

If you and DH communicate your expectations more, and how you reached those expectations, it could help.

[Anonymous]

What was your career before you had OP, or what are the likely jobs you can get?

This is why staying home often sucks for women. They put in the hard work when the kids are little, then some of their husbands expect them to magically get a job once the kids are no longer in the little kid stage. Meanwhile their career has been derailed so they can't get as good a job as before and the husband is spoiled and still expects the mom to handle most of the details of household and child management.

[Anonymous]

Simple solution: Get your kids to contribute to running their own household. Why in the world are you not already teaching them to clean their own rooms and take on part of the communal cleaning on a weekly basis? They should also be taking turns preparing dinners for the family and packing lunches for everyone. My kid has been doing his own laundry since he was in 8th grade and he also is in charge of the family towels. And yes, your husband will need to do more. But really, you shouldn't expect it to be 50/50 if you're getting a puff job that has limited and set hours and he's doing a stressful high level job that requires a lot of mental energy and working at all hours. And some things won't be as perfect as you'd like. Welcome to the real world where not every shelf is dusted all the time and the bags of stuff to donate to Goodwill don't always get dropped off right away.

[Anonymous]

Get a part-time job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got a job that allows me to work part time (and be very flexible during school holidays) but pays decently. That was the selling point for my DH -- I was able to find a job that was part-time but with a very good hourly rate. I'd still definitely make more money if I worked full time, but then we'd have to spend more money on childcare and either hire house cleaners or have a messy house all the time. It was very obvious to him that having me limit my hours so I could spend more time with our kids was going to benefit everyone.

I think often the perception is that SAHMs are just sitting around doing nothing. It's frustrating because even if you are working hard every day, people will seize on any example of a SAHM enjoying the perks of her job (like a flexible schedule or, gasp, doing a fun activity with her kids) as evidence that they don't do anything. It's ridiculous because when I worked full time, people didn't assume that just because my office had free snacks, I was useless and lazy. But SAHMs do not get that benefit of the doubt.

So I think the key is to talk to him about the value you provide your family and state in concrete terms what it would cost the family for you to return to work. So if you are meal planning, cleaning, taking care of the kids after school, getting them to activities and also doing all the legwork in getting them enrolled, handling most/all parent commitments at school etc., talk to him about what it would cost to outsource those activities, or what it would look like for your family to go without. Be pointed about it. Outline the real costs. If after that he still thinks you should go back full time, I think you have a husband problem.

No one says you don't do anything. But working moms do all of it (work plus home...husbands rarely do that much even if they think they do "a lot" when it is barely anything. It does suck, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was your career before you had OP, or what are the likely jobs you can get?

This is why staying home often sucks for women. They put in the hard work when the kids are little, then some of their husbands expect them to magically get a job once the kids are no longer in the little kid stage. Meanwhile their career has been derailed so they can't get as good a job as before and the husband is spoiled and still expects the mom to handle most of the details of household and child management.

This. And +1 to the person who said you will need to build up your leave. Time for some very real talk with your DH about specifically what he will do. Starting with all daytime appointments and teacher conferences and sick kid days. Block off some time that you need to pursue your job search and leave him high and dry to handle things on his own during that time.

[Anonymous]

TBH it may be that he really doesn't see the value in some of your activities. Sometimes men are fine with a messier house, no school volunteering, a generally less curated life, less kid activities, simpler food, etc. Be prepared to hear that even though it may hurt. What you see as valuable effort on behalf of the family he may see as a discretionary leisure activity of yours.

And be 1000% sure your financial planning is realistic. Being "not spendy" isn't going to make college and retirement savings appear.