Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

[Anonymous]

It is not rare for men with active sex lives to cheat. Cheating is about opportunity more often that it's about need.
(Look, I'll out myself as someone who had sex with married men twenty years ago. I haven't since I was 25 and I know how terrible it is, but I can't undo it. I am sharing this to shut up all the men who claim that they only cheat because they're desperate). They were all crazy about their wives, and had very active sex lives. Shared all the details with me. They had sex with me because they could. Because it was exciting. Because of the novelty. And FWIW, back then I wouldn't have had sex with a guy like the whiners in this thread. Desperation isn't hot on single men, and it certainly isn't appealing on men who are cheating on their wives. Maybe these desperate sexless husbands who cheat are cheating with desperate sexless wives, because I can promise you that a single woman who only cares about fun and her own pleasure to the extent that she'll even sleep with a married man, is going to be completely turned off by a man as bitter and resentful as the ones here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Truth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not rare for men with active sex lives to cheat. Cheating is about opportunity more often that it's about need.
(Look, I'll out myself as someone who had sex with married men twenty years ago. I haven't since I was 25 and I know how terrible it is, but I can't undo it. I am sharing this to shut up all the men who claim that they only cheat because they're desperate). They were all crazy about their wives, and had very active sex lives. Shared all the details with me. They had sex with me because they could. Because it was exciting. Because of the novelty. And FWIW, back then I wouldn't have had sex with a guy like the whiners in this thread. Desperation isn't hot on single men, and it certainly isn't appealing on men who are cheating on their wives. Maybe these desperate sexless husbands who cheat are cheating with desperate sexless wives, because I can promise you that a single woman who only cares about fun and her own pleasure to the extent that she'll even sleep with a married man, is going to be completely turned off by a man as bitter and resentful as the ones here.

Man here who cheated and there is a lot of truth to what you write. Although I have also been on the long term sexless side, and I will tell you that when you are denied by your wife you create opportunities instead of seeing if one arises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not rare for men with active sex lives to cheat. Cheating is about opportunity more often that it's about need.
(Look, I'll out myself as someone who had sex with married men twenty years ago. I haven't since I was 25 and I know how terrible it is, but I can't undo it. I am sharing this to shut up all the men who claim that they only cheat because they're desperate). They were all crazy about their wives, and had very active sex lives. Shared all the details with me. They had sex with me because they could. Because it was exciting. Because of the novelty. And FWIW, back then I wouldn't have had sex with a guy like the whiners in this thread. Desperation isn't hot on single men, and it certainly isn't appealing on men who are cheating on their wives. Maybe these desperate sexless husbands who cheat are cheating with desperate sexless wives, because I can promise you that a single woman who only cares about fun and her own pleasure to the extent that she'll even sleep with a married man, is going to be completely turned off by a man as bitter and resentful as the ones here.

This is a sexless marriage thread. Your post is completely off topic. Start a new thread. Nobody has ever claimed that there aren't married men getting laid at home who also cheat. Yes it happens.
But relative to the sexless marriage cheating husbands, it is exceptionally rare.

For every one of those cheating husbands with active sex lives who cheat because they CAN (opportunity drops into their lap), there are a hundred low sex husbands who are actively cheating because they MUST (investing significant effort and/or $$ to create these opportunities).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Truth

Again I say to any wife who is with a husband you resent and sex feels violative, rapey, repulsive..... stand up, find the door, and JUST LEAVE already !! Do not stay with a man you despise. That is not a sex or desire or libido thing at all.

Oh wait you are still there? Then grant him a hall pass, otherwise suck it up buttercup. Chose carefully because nobody likes a complainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Truth

Again I say to any wife who is with a husband you resent and sex feels violative, rapey, repulsive..... stand up, find the door, and JUST LEAVE already !! Do not stay with a man you despise. That is not a sex or desire or libido thing at all.

Oh wait you are still there? Then grant him a hall pass, otherwise suck it up buttercup. Chose carefully because nobody likes a complainer.

Ja wohl, Master.

[Anonymous]

My husband has zero drive. The last time I tried to have sex with him it did feel like I was molesting him. I stopped and have been loathe to initiate again. It’s been a year and a half. I don’t think he’s noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has zero drive. The last time I tried to have sex with him it did feel like I was molesting him. I stopped and have been loathe to initiate again. It’s been a year and a half. I don’t think he’s noticed.

And I’m definitely NOT ok with it. But any time I try to talk to him about it, he apologizes and says he’ll try to do better...will get his testosterone checked yadda yadda yadda...and any time I try to talk to a peer they give me sex tops like I’m a virgin nun. I have no confidante that’s safe and my partner is inert. If I post on here some man will make it about him. This is partly why women don’t share their experiences online about sexless relationships. It’s not being ok with it, it’s how others respond to the scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Truth

+2

[Anonymous]

I'm on the other side of this. And it's not great to be on that side, either. Testosterone was checked- it's low, but still in the normal range. The pandemic has definitely made things much worse, but it was already downhill after the kids. Or really, the two years of trying to conceive, which made sex a chore that I dreaded. Psych meds just made things worse, in several different ways. I'll admit, I feel a certain amount of resentment towards my wife, which I'm sure is part of a reinforcing cycle. But its hard for me to to separate the depression from the resentment. Tried therapy even before the meds, but again, that also just made things worse.

But, it is a mostly functional marriage otherwise. I don't think either one of us is particularly happy with the situation, but a lot of aspects of our lives and our kids' lives would get worse if we divorced. So I don't really view that as a viable option, and I'm quite sure my wife doesn't either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has zero drive. The last time I tried to have sex with him it did feel like I was molesting him. I stopped and have been loathe to initiate again. It’s been a year and a half. I don’t think he’s noticed.

You haven't figured out that he's gay, have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has zero drive. The last time I tried to have sex with him it did feel like I was molesting him. I stopped and have been loathe to initiate again. It’s been a year and a half. I don’t think he’s noticed.

You haven't figured out that he's gay, have you.

You need a better hobby.