Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being married does not mean being celibate. I feel it is quite unreasonable for either partner to downplay or ignore the emotional/sexual needs of the other. If you can’t it won’t fix it, you can divorce, open the marriage or cheat. In the latter case, it’s not fair to call the other person evil b/c they seek elsewhere the comfort you deny.

A comedian once said everything in life is about sex. Except sex, which is about power.

People who withhold sex and affection in a marriage are asserting a power over their spouse by denying the one thing their spouse needs and can't ethically get elsewhere. They know their spouse probably won't divorce over it if they have kids. That's part of the reason people have such rapid reactions to infidelity. It shifts the power to the denied spouse and forces the withholding spouse to choose between divorce and staying with a cheater.

Maybe some people withhold sex to assert power over their spouse, but my sense is that’s a tiny fraction of sexless marriages. In most cases, one spouse stops having sex because she (could be a he, but let’s be real, it’s usually the wife) just... doesn’t want sex. At least not with spouse. That’s a problem that needs solving if the marriage is to survive, but calling it”withholding” ascribes a level of intent that’s just not there in most cases.

That is really hard for me to believe. Even if you weren't up for penetration, it takes all of 15 minutes to lend an assist. If you don't have that in you once a week, it's because you don't want to please your spouse, not because you lost desire. We do tons of things for our spouses we don't feel like doing.

From someone who had lost desire (but got it back with new man), for me anyway, it's not that I was indifferent to sex...it was that it actually felt violative, rapey, repulsive. To have someone penetrate you when your hormones are saying "no!" just made me feel so used. None of this makes sense to the person who still has a sex drive, I know. And I'm not defending it -- it's usually the deathknell of a marriage if sex still matters to one spouse. Just explaining that you can't equate it to any old chore. It's so much more primal than that, in a negative way.

Truth

Again I say to any wife who is with a husband you resent and sex feels violative, rapey, repulsive..... stand up, find the door, and JUST LEAVE already !! Do not stay with a man you despise. That is not a sex or desire or libido thing at all.

Oh wait you are still there? Then grant him a hall pass, otherwise suck it up buttercup. Chose carefully because nobody likes a complainer.

He doesn't even leave the damn house. Nobody said he can't go- the longer the better, the more often the better. He hasn't left the house since March other than grocery store couple of times. I'm dying here. Like I care what he does when he is gone.

[Anonymous]

What if my drive was there but after vaginal I could only get off by sticking something up his butt. He isn't feeling it so is he witholding??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thread on people in their 40s struck a tone. We're like that -- in our 40s, kids in elementary, and effectively sexless marriage... less than 10x per year. Everything else is fine -- we get along well, share duties at home, no financial troubles, in good health/shape, etc. The few times we do have arguments, it's pretty much about sex. She'll initiate 1-2x per year. The rest of the time, I'll initiate and I get rejected at least half the time.

DW has said her libido is up only the week after her period, so that right off the bat limits us to 1 week per month, and then everything else has to be just right for it to happen -- right time of day, kids not home, fully showered, no headache, no chores to be done, etc etc. Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

Should I just declare this a sexless marriage and live with it, at least for now? My libido has gone down as I entered my 40s, so I'm guessing by our 50s I'll want it even less. What if I just don't ever initiate at all? I'm thinking I'll resent her less if I no longer have opportunities to be rejected, and there will be no tension of thinking if all the ducks are in a row such that she'll want to do it that day.

A friend of mine in his 40's got divorced a year ago, and said he's got a better relationship with his now ex-wife than when they were married -- no tension about sex.

I'm not interested in an affair, and I don't want to divorce because we're in all other aspects a great family unit and our kids don't need that trauma.

Am I crazy to be even thinking of this?

Reading your post it sounds as if you are looking for reasons to push her away emotionally. Have you considered whether you have an avoidant emotional attachment style? I can’t say more about her without knowing, but she might have an insecure attachment style due to her previous history. Those two styles have a very difficult time together, because the avoidant pushes away when the insecure is seeking reassurance. It’s not impossible to overcome this with some awareness but you’d both have to be up for some major self-study and therapy to change old patterns.

I’d start by stopping your fixation on I messed up, I apologized, she doesn’t want me back. You know the issues are much deeper than this. The two of you could go round forever... the question is when are you both going to be willing to look at the bigger picture here. A marriage takes a lot of work, and a lot of willingness to work with each other’s strengths and weaknesses, especially when you start with some disadvantages from not seeing healthy relationships modeled. It’s your decision — it sounds to me as if there is some compatibility here on big picture issues. You also need to think about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

I'm curious. Where did you develop the notion that your husband is responsible for your choice(which it clearly is) to decide to be offended and not want to have sex because you're in a snit about not getting enough attention from him during the day?

Do you also skip meals, fail to groom yourself, and deliberately disregard other important activities because your spouse didn't comply with your arbitrary need for attention? That's what children do, it's called throwing a tantrum.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever told your husband you were going to deprive yourself of food, or money, or not drive your car that day, for some imagined slight you wanted to blame on him?

If not, why not try. Next time your husband initiates sex after not paying attention to you, explicitly tell him that you will have sex with him, but he will be punished for his lack of attention by you going on a hunger strike for the next 24 hours.

If you are unwilling to skip a meal to punish your husband but prefer to skip sex, ask yourself why it is your husband's fault that you are willing to use sex denial rather than some other form of denial to.blackmail him into paying you more attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

I'm curious. Where did you develop the notion that your husband is responsible for your choice(which it clearly is) to decide to be offended and not want to have sex because you're in a snit about not getting enough attention from him during the day?

Do you also skip meals, fail to groom yourself, and deliberately disregard other important activities because your spouse didn't comply with your arbitrary need for attention? That's what children do, it's called throwing a tantrum.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever told your husband you were going to deprive yourself of food, or money, or not drive your car that day, for some imagined slight you wanted to blame on him?

If not, why not try. Next time your husband initiates sex after not paying attention to you, explicitly tell him that you will have sex with him, but he will be punished for his lack of attention by you going on a hunger strike for the next 24 hours.

If you are unwilling to skip a meal to punish your husband but prefer to skip sex, ask yourself why it is your husband's fault that you are willing to use sex denial rather than some other form of denial to.blackmail him into paying you more attention.

NP. Lol, what an illogical baby you are.

[Anonymous]

Can you have a marriage without sex? Yes. Is it ideal? No. But, it can work. I have a friend and him and his wife are in their mid to late 40s. They have issues, but they are staying together for the kids. It works because they don't hate each other, they just have fallen out of love...sort of just growing apart.

They have not had six in seven years. They sleep in the same bed, but with different covers. Each prefer different blankets, etc. So far both are okay with it...for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you have a marriage without sex? Yes. Is it ideal? No. But, it can work. I have a friend and him and his wife are in their mid to late 40s. They have issues, but they are staying together for the kids. It works because they don't hate each other, they just have fallen out of love...sort of just growing apart.

They have not had six in seven years. They sleep in the same bed, but with different covers. Each prefer different blankets, etc. So far both are okay with it...for the kids.

You think neither of them has had sex outside the marriage?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are very much in love and love each other and like each other - our marriage is great- and we only have sex ~10x/year.
We have talked about having more sex because we know we're supposed to but it's just what happens. Neither of us have a super high sex drive and we're tired- kids are young!
I'm sure we'll hit another peak when they are older when we do it more, but I would call our marriage very successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

I'm curious. Where did you develop the notion that your husband is responsible for your choice(which it clearly is) to decide to be offended and not want to have sex because you're in a snit about not getting enough attention from him during the day?

Do you also skip meals, fail to groom yourself, and deliberately disregard other important activities because your spouse didn't comply with your arbitrary need for attention? That's what children do, it's called throwing a tantrum.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever told your husband you were going to deprive yourself of food, or money, or not drive your car that day, for some imagined slight you wanted to blame on him?

If not, why not try. Next time your husband initiates sex after not paying attention to you, explicitly tell him that you will have sex with him, but he will be punished for his lack of attention by you going on a hunger strike for the next 24 hours.

If you are unwilling to skip a meal to punish your husband but prefer to skip sex, ask yourself why it is your husband's fault that you are willing to use sex denial rather than some other form of denial to.blackmail him into paying you more attention.

NP. Lol, what an illogical baby you are.

I'm sure you're a wonderful ex wife to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are very much in love and love each other and like each other - our marriage is great- and we only have sex ~10x/year.
We have talked about having more sex because we know we're supposed to but it's just what happens. Neither of us have a super high sex drive and we're tired- kids are young!
I'm sure we'll hit another peak when they are older when we do it more, but I would call our marriage very successful.

Nonsense.

If you can find the time to do things like taking out the garbage twice a week you can surely find ten or fifteen minutes once or twice a week for sex.

You're in a battle of mutual assured destruction of your marriage and pretending otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are very much in love and love each other and like each other - our marriage is great- and we only have sex ~10x/year.
We have talked about having more sex because we know we're supposed to but it's just what happens. Neither of us have a super high sex drive and we're tired- kids are young!
I'm sure we'll hit another peak when they are older when we do it more, but I would call our marriage very successful.

Nonsense.

If you can find the time to do things like taking out the garbage twice a week you can surely find ten or fifteen minutes once or twice a week for sex.

You're in a battle of mutual assured destruction of your marriage and pretending otherwise.

That is a reasonable and appropriate statement, if you are her husband.

If you are not, you have no idea of how he feels. Maybe she's wrong and this really bothers him; if so, it's his fault for not telling her. Or maybe she's right and they are a well-matched couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are very much in love and love each other and like each other - our marriage is great- and we only have sex ~10x/year.
We have talked about having more sex because we know we're supposed to but it's just what happens. Neither of us have a super high sex drive and we're tired- kids are young!
I'm sure we'll hit another peak when they are older when we do it more, but I would call our marriage very successful.

It is successful because you've kept it together for the family unit. Nor breaking it up over silly issues like many here. And you both respect each other and realize what you both have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I are very much in love and love each other and like each other - our marriage is great- and we only have sex ~10x/year.
We have talked about having more sex because we know we're supposed to but it's just what happens. Neither of us have a super high sex drive and we're tired- kids are young!
I'm sure we'll hit another peak when they are older when we do it more, but I would call our marriage very successful.

Nonsense.

If you can find the time to do things like taking out the garbage twice a week you can surely find ten or fifteen minutes once or twice a week for sex.

You're in a battle of mutual assured destruction of your marriage and pretending otherwise.

Jesus H Roosevelt Christ!!! Stop bloody comparing sex to a household chore. I think if that's your perspective on lovemaking no wonder your wife won't touch you anymore. For many people we have to have at least some sort of good feelings involved if not love.

[Anonymous]

Jesus bloody christ, if having sex with your spouse is so horrible that you think taking out the garbage is much more worth you time , then you need a.lobotomy. oh.wait you'd need a brain first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus bloody christ, if having sex with your spouse is so horrible that you think taking out the garbage is much more worth you time , then you need a.lobotomy. oh.wait you'd need a brain first.

You just don't get it. You don't listen. You cannot understand anyone's perspective than your own. You are rude and condescending.

Gee...can't imagine why your wife won't touch you.