Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How far does your sister live from your Mom? Sounds like she is close because Mom watched the DCs. You, on the other hand, live an hour away. Sister gets 3 days a week. And you didn’t answer if her teen children (who are out of school at 3 pm) can check in on Grandma at 4 pm.

Regardless, none of this is sustainable and your Mom is going to deteriorate and need more help rapidly. If your parents have a spare bedroom consider an exchange where they have a nursing student or a competent person live rent-free in exchange for the 4 pm shift. Or, rent the room and use that money to hire help.

The teen children probably are close to Grandma and probably are not doing anything now. At this level of care you really just need someone who can call 911, make sure Grandma has a snack and food and her meds.
The teen children could probably be stopgap for awhile. As the disease progresses and Grandma needs toileting assistance etc I don't think they are a good option. Teen children probably want to get out of the house and away from
alcoholic father anyways.

[Anonymous]

Can you father pay for the increase child care expenses if you check in on your mother at 4pm?

I don't understand why you can't state what you can do to support your mother but it is OK for your sister to state what she can do. Simply say, I can alter my work schedule X times a week. Whatever is left is not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This problem is going to solve itself because if there really is a moment where mom with cognitive decline is okay with a “check in” every four hours, that moment will be fleeting.

Mom needs proper caregivers and you will have to become one, hire them or move her to nursing care. This “check in” thing is fantasy.

Right. It's the temporary measure they are using while they look for a more permanent solution.

FWIW, my dad had dementia around this age and spent some weeks helping my mom like this. By the time it was clear that Mom really needed help with Dad, she REALLY needed help with Dad. I'm sure that there is a similar dynamic here and Op's Dad needs all hands on deck...or at least as many as are willing to show up to help (certainly NOT Op's wife, she's useless).

j

You must be OP's sister. If his wife is 'useless' than why are you completely giving a pass to the sister - who is certainly not doing well by her own Mom.
Some people....

I have said repeatedly that both Op and his sister need to each take 2 days and figure out *with their Dad* how they will handle the 5th day.

That is the fair way to do it. The crap about MIL watching SIL's kids is most likely a great exaggeration and also something that Op's mom very willingly agreed to do. That might burn Op's wife's butt but oh well. Suck it up buttercup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

Op's wife is a worthless shrew who has work connections that might actually help her husband's family but is so busy saying "Noooo. Not my problem....MIL watched SIL's kids....wahhhhhh"

This is my perception of OP's wife. She reminds me of the second marriage Mom's who don't want the Dad to see his kids from his first marriage.

Clearly OP wants to support his Dad.

Really??? Because OP‘s wife is saying no to having their young children in childcare for 11+ hours a day. She WANTS their dad to see the kids during the week. OP seems way too willing to sacrifice almost every weeknight with his children which is a red flag.

This would be a terrible situation for the children to endure for TWO YEARS! OP is not thinking clearly.

OP’s dad needs a real plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far does your sister live from your Mom? Sounds like she is close because Mom watched the DCs. You, on the other hand, live an hour away. Sister gets 3 days a week. And you didn’t answer if her teen children (who are out of school at 3 pm) can check in on Grandma at 4 pm.

Regardless, none of this is sustainable and your Mom is going to deteriorate and need more help rapidly. If your parents have a spare bedroom consider an exchange where they have a nursing student or a competent person live rent-free in exchange for the 4 pm shift. Or, rent the room and use that money to hire help.

The teen children probably are close to Grandma and probably are not doing anything now. At this level of care you really just need someone who can call 911, make sure Grandma has a snack and food and her meds.
The teen children could probably be stopgap for awhile. As the disease progresses and Grandma needs toileting assistance etc I don't think they are a good option. Teen children probably want to get out of the house and away from
alcoholic father anyways.

Nope. I have teenagers who love their grandparents but no way would I put them into the middle of a crisis situation like this one. Make a visit WITH me - yes. But handle it alone? Not on your life. And shame on you for even suggesting that.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You need to take charge here with an eye to the future.

Your wife has had enough. You need to show her you're doing your level best to make your sister rise to the occasion, and to persuade your father that your mother will need more care well before he retires.

Then when it becomes clear after your sister and father do their part, that it's still not enough, your wife will be amenable to you making an extra effort, which may mean finding an aide, driving up there only once a week, coordinating the move to the nursing home, and contributing money to those costs.

You need to pressure your sister much more. You need to get on the phone with her, when your wife is within earshot, and really use all the arguments you have. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Explicitly tell her that she owes her mother, and now she needs to step up. Raise your voice if necessary. Remind her that your wife and yourself had her back and tried to help her before. Make it clear that she's a good-for-nothing if she doesn't do this for her mother. Not only does she need to visit, she also needs to pay her portion for hiring an aide and then possibly contributing to the nursing home. She can afford it.

Separately, you need to get on the phone with your father, also when your wife is around to listen, and convince him by degrees that your mother will decline quicker than he can retire. He is wise to continue working. Financial health is everything. But in the meantime, tell him it's not sustainable for you to drive in the late afternoon several times a week just to check in on your mother.

Enter the senior help, whether trained or not, finances will decide that. It could be a neighbor or student or whatever, as long as they have good references or you have a gut feeling they're honest. Hire someone to check on her daily.
Then you will push your father to get on waiting lists for nursing homes.

My MIL, a widow, has a rotation of women she interviewed and hired as cleaners and cooks a few years ago. Now she's in late Parkinson's and she absolutely relies on them. They are wonderful women who love my MIL and they take great care of her. One or two of them come several hours every day, to prepare all meals, dispense medication, and clean. They take turns depending on what other jobs they have to do, or what vacation they each take. It's taken such a burden of the family's shoulders. My two BILs visit regularly, but couldn't possible take care of their mother by themselves, as they both work full time and have their own families. My husband and I live an 8 hour plane ride away - DH is a doctor, he helps with the medical aspect of things.

Time to step up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

Op's wife is a worthless shrew who has work connections that might actually help her husband's family but is so busy saying "Noooo. Not my problem....MIL watched SIL's kids....wahhhhhh"

This is my perception of OP's wife. She reminds me of the second marriage Mom's who don't want the Dad to see his kids from his first marriage.

Clearly OP wants to support his Dad.

Really??? Because OP‘s wife is saying no to having their young children in childcare for 11+ hours a day. She WANTS their dad to see the kids during the week. OP seems way too willing to sacrifice almost every weeknight with his children which is a red flag.

This would be a terrible situation for the children to endure for TWO YEARS! OP is not thinking clearly.

OP’s dad needs a real plan.

TWICE a week until the family can find a better alternative. What on earth is this with the TWO YEARS!!!! crap??? Even if Op is hoping that this check system could work for 2 years it isn't going to. This will likely not last 2 months. So drop the hysteria. Eff Op's wife if she can't handle a few weeks of inconvenience while her husband helps his own mom. And I mean triple eff her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

Not when “doing his part” involves putting their children in childcare for 11 hours a day and spending 10K/year of marital funds.

OP’s dad needs a real solution, not a crazy expensive band aid that puts all the burden on his son and gives his other child a pass.

The laughable thing is that we are expected to believe that a nanny would charge 10K to watch kids a couple of extended afternoons/evenings a week. It won't cost them anywhere near 10K unless Op and his wife are complete morons with money and easily tricked by evil over charging nannies.

It is inconvenient I'm sure but it also isn't going to be forever. And, no, Op doesn't get to abdicate his own responsibility to his parents. He needs to do his part, too. This is not all on his sister.

OP’s nanny charges $20/hour. When you’re at the point where kids are in care 11 hours a day - you’re paying overtime. You can argue that you could hire a teen instead. Sure, that’s another transition for the kids and what happens when the teen can’t make it last minute and the nanny made other plans? That’s okay if it’s a date night that you can cancel but what happens when it’s not safe for the grandma to be alone? Part of the reason that people pay for nannies is that they’re reliable. So, let’s take OP at his word about the cost of childcare.

OP is talking about doing this for TWO YEARS! That means an added 10K of childcare expenses per year (20K total) That’s a lot, both financially and time away from his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

Op's wife is a worthless shrew who has work connections that might actually help her husband's family but is so busy saying "Noooo. Not my problem....MIL watched SIL's kids....wahhhhhh"

This is my perception of OP's wife. She reminds me of the second marriage Mom's who don't want the Dad to see his kids from his first marriage.

Clearly OP wants to support his Dad.

Really??? Because OP‘s wife is saying no to having their young children in childcare for 11+ hours a day. She WANTS their dad to see the kids during the week. OP seems way too willing to sacrifice almost every weeknight with his children which is a red flag.

This would be a terrible situation for the children to endure for TWO YEARS! OP is not thinking clearly.

OP’s dad needs a real plan.

TWICE a week until the family can find a better alternative. What on earth is this with the TWO YEARS!!!! crap??? Even if Op is hoping that this check system could work for 2 years it isn't going to. This will likely not last 2 months. So drop the hysteria. Eff Op's wife if she can't handle a few weeks of inconvenience while her husband helps his own mom. And I mean triple eff her.

TWO YEARS is what OP is asking his wife to commit to.

Two years is how long OP’s dad has until he can retire with a full pension. TWO YEARS is what OP’s wife is saying NO to. Now do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

Not when “doing his part” involves putting their children in childcare for 11 hours a day and spending 10K/year of marital funds.

OP’s dad needs a real solution, not a crazy expensive band aid that puts all the burden on his son and gives his other child a pass.

The laughable thing is that we are expected to believe that a nanny would charge 10K to watch kids a couple of extended afternoons/evenings a week. It won't cost them anywhere near 10K unless Op and his wife are complete morons with money and easily tricked by evil over charging nannies.

It is inconvenient I'm sure but it also isn't going to be forever. And, no, Op doesn't get to abdicate his own responsibility to his parents. He needs to do his part, too. This is not all on his sister.

OP’s nanny charges $20/hour. When you’re at the point where kids are in care 11 hours a day - you’re paying overtime. You can argue that you could hire a teen instead. Sure, that’s another transition for the kids and what happens when the teen can’t make it last minute and the nanny made other plans? That’s okay if it’s a date night that you can cancel but what happens when it’s not safe for the grandma to be alone? Part of the reason that people pay for nannies is that they’re reliable. So, let’s take OP at his word about the cost of childcare.

OP is talking about doing this for TWO YEARS! That means an added 10K of childcare expenses per year (20K total) That’s a lot, both financially and time away from his children.

This is not going to last for 2 years. It is more like 2 nights a week for 2 months (about 8 nights). Possibly a little more, and more possibly less. Op's dad needs to have the support of his kids to help make some very serious decisions about their mom. How a wife could be so wrapped up in her own jealousy that she would begrudge her husband the ability to help his own parents at a time like this is just beyond me. Of course you help your parents. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

^And let’s be clear:

It’s FOUR times a week for TWO YEARS!!!!

That is OP’s plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

Op's wife is a worthless shrew who has work connections that might actually help her husband's family but is so busy saying "Noooo. Not my problem....MIL watched SIL's kids....wahhhhhh"

This is my perception of OP's wife. She reminds me of the second marriage Mom's who don't want the Dad to see his kids from his first marriage.

Clearly OP wants to support his Dad.

Really??? Because OP‘s wife is saying no to having their young children in childcare for 11+ hours a day. She WANTS their dad to see the kids during the week. OP seems way too willing to sacrifice almost every weeknight with his children which is a red flag.

This would be a terrible situation for the children to endure for TWO YEARS! OP is not thinking clearly.

OP’s dad needs a real plan.

TWICE a week until the family can find a better alternative. What on earth is this with the TWO YEARS!!!! crap??? Even if Op is hoping that this check system could work for 2 years it isn't going to. This will likely not last 2 months. So drop the hysteria. Eff Op's wife if she can't handle a few weeks of inconvenience while her husband helps his own mom. And I mean triple eff her.

TWO YEARS is what OP is asking his wife to commit to.

Two years is how long OP’s dad has until he can retire with a full pension. TWO YEARS is what OP’s wife is saying NO to. Now do you get it?

Have you ever dealt with a parent with early onset Alzheimer's? Because it doesn't sound like it. This is not going to go on for 2 years. They will need to put something more permanent in place. You can't "make plans" with dementia, especially when it comes to early onset Alzheimer's. I don't think you quite grasp what Op's dad is up against.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure OP and his sister and his dad can scrape together 100 bucks a week for a nurse.

Where was your wonderful family when your wife needed help? Nowhere? I think your wife needs to find herself a better family. You guys are a$$holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure OP and his sister and his dad can scrape together 100 bucks a week for a nurse.

Where was your wonderful family when your wife needed help? Nowhere? I think your wife needs to find herself a better family. You guys are a$$holes.

Where do you think you’ll find a nurse willing to work for $100/week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

Not when “doing his part” involves putting their children in childcare for 11 hours a day and spending 10K/year of marital funds.

OP’s dad needs a real solution, not a crazy expensive band aid that puts all the burden on his son and gives his other child a pass.

The laughable thing is that we are expected to believe that a nanny would charge 10K to watch kids a couple of extended afternoons/evenings a week. It won't cost them anywhere near 10K unless Op and his wife are complete morons with money and easily tricked by evil over charging nannies.

It is inconvenient I'm sure but it also isn't going to be forever. And, no, Op doesn't get to abdicate his own responsibility to his parents. He needs to do his part, too. This is not all on his sister.

OP’s nanny charges $20/hour. When you’re at the point where kids are in care 11 hours a day - you’re paying overtime. You can argue that you could hire a teen instead. Sure, that’s another transition for the kids and what happens when the teen can’t make it last minute and the nanny made other plans? That’s okay if it’s a date night that you can cancel but what happens when it’s not safe for the grandma to be alone? Part of the reason that people pay for nannies is that they’re reliable. So, let’s take OP at his word about the cost of childcare.

OP is talking about doing this for TWO YEARS! That means an added 10K of childcare expenses per year (20K total) That’s a lot, both financially and time away from his children.

This is not going to last for 2 years. It is more like 2 nights a week for 2 months (about 8 nights). Possibly a little more, and more possibly less. Op's dad needs to have the support of his kids to help make some very serious decisions about their mom. How a wife could be so wrapped up in her own jealousy that she would begrudge her husband the ability to help his own parents at a time like this is just beyond me. Of course you help your parents. Good grief.

Well, now you’re changing the scenario.

What OP proposed to his wife is that he would do this for 2 years until his dad could retire with a full pension. He said his sister could only fully commit to one (maybe 2) days a week, so he would be covering the remaining days.

OP’s wife is adamantly opposed to his 2 year plan. This fantasy plan where OP only helps for a couple months exists only in PP’s imagination.