Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

So all of these people are physically going to work during Covid? And the kids are are in “after school care?” In the US? In May 2020?

Is this an old post? I’m so confused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So all of these people are physically going to work during Covid? And the kids are are in “after school care?” In the US? In May 2020?

Is this an old post? I’m so confused?

People are talking about how much extra OP would need to pay the nanny for coverage so he could go take care of his mom several times a week. This would require at a minimum increasing the nanny’s coverage to 11 hours a day AND would cost about 10K/year.

OP wants to do this for 2 years. His wife is opposed to increasing childcare, OP driving 1 hour each way to his parents house daily and the added expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of these people are physically going to work during Covid? And the kids are are in “after school care?” In the US? In May 2020?

Is this an old post? I’m so confused?

People are talking about how much extra OP would need to pay the nanny for coverage so he could go take care of his mom several times a week. This would require at a minimum increasing the nanny’s coverage to 11 hours a day AND would cost about 10K/year.

OP wants to do this for 2 years. His wife is opposed to increasing childcare, OP driving 1 hour each way to his parents house daily and the added expense.

Thanks I read the post. It just doesn’t make any sense during Covid. Aren’t many of the family members working from home and have some flexibility? How are the children in “after school care” like the OP said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of these people are physically going to work during Covid? And the kids are are in “after school care?” In the US? In May 2020?

Is this an old post? I’m so confused?

People are talking about how much extra OP would need to pay the nanny for coverage so he could go take care of his mom several times a week. This would require at a minimum increasing the nanny’s coverage to 11 hours a day AND would cost about 10K/year.

OP wants to do this for 2 years. His wife is opposed to increasing childcare, OP driving 1 hour each way to his parents house daily and the added expense.

Thanks I read the post. It just doesn’t make any sense during Covid. Aren’t many of the family members working from home and have some flexibility? How are the children in “after school care” like the OP said?

Remember, OP is planning to do this for two years. Covid restrictions are temporary. Many people are planning to be back in school in the fall. He did clarify that they use a nanny for childcare though. Maybe she’s still coming now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

Not when “doing his part” involves putting their children in childcare for 11 hours a day and spending 10K/year of marital funds.

OP’s dad needs a real solution, not a crazy expensive band aid that puts all the burden on his son and gives his other child a pass.

The laughable thing is that we are expected to believe that a nanny would charge 10K to watch kids a couple of extended afternoons/evenings a week. It won't cost them anywhere near 10K unless Op and his wife are complete morons with money and easily tricked by evil over charging nannies.

It is inconvenient I'm sure but it also isn't going to be forever. And, no, Op doesn't get to abdicate his own responsibility to his parents. He needs to do his part, too. This is not all on his sister.

OP’s nanny charges $20/hour. When you’re at the point where kids are in care 11 hours a day - you’re paying overtime. You can argue that you could hire a teen instead. Sure, that’s another transition for the kids and what happens when the teen can’t make it last minute and the nanny made other plans? That’s okay if it’s a date night that you can cancel but what happens when it’s not safe for the grandma to be alone? Part of the reason that people pay for nannies is that they’re reliable. So, let’s take OP at his word about the cost of childcare.

OP is talking about doing this for TWO YEARS! That means an added 10K of childcare expenses per year (20K total) That’s a lot, both financially and time away from his children.

This is not going to last for 2 years. It is more like 2 nights a week for 2 months (about 8 nights). Possibly a little more, and more possibly less. Op's dad needs to have the support of his kids to help make some very serious decisions about their mom. How a wife could be so wrapped up in her own jealousy that she would begrudge her husband the ability to help his own parents at a time like this is just beyond me. Of course you help your parents. Good grief.

Well, now you’re changing the scenario.

What OP proposed to his wife is that he would do this for 2 years until his dad could retire with a full pension. He said his sister could only fully commit to one (maybe 2) days a week, so he would be covering the remaining days.

OP’s wife is adamantly opposed to his 2 year plan. This fantasy plan where OP only helps for a couple months exists only in PP’s imagination.

Right. And Op has been told *repeatedly* that this plan is not going to be happening for two years. What is happening with his mom is very serious and he and his sister need to support their Dad while he tries to figure out a more permanent arrangement. Op's wife can stick her attitude where the sun don't shine. This is not about her right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of these people are physically going to work during Covid? And the kids are are in “after school care?” In the US? In May 2020?

Is this an old post? I’m so confused?

People are talking about how much extra OP would need to pay the nanny for coverage so he could go take care of his mom several times a week. This would require at a minimum increasing the nanny’s coverage to 11 hours a day AND would cost about 10K/year.

OP wants to do this for 2 years. His wife is opposed to increasing childcare, OP driving 1 hour each way to his parents house daily and the added expense.

Thanks I read the post. It just doesn’t make any sense during Covid. Aren’t many of the family members working from home and have some flexibility? How are the children in “after school care” like the OP said?

Remember, OP is planning to do this for two years. Covid restrictions are temporary. Many people are planning to be back in school in the fall. He did clarify that they use a nanny for childcare though. Maybe she’s still coming now?

They may not even have the same jobs 6 months from now. And who knows how long the kids will be out of school. OP’s mom could be dead by then. I don’t see how the problem is hard right now. If it gets hard later, reassess then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

Not when “doing his part” involves putting their children in childcare for 11 hours a day and spending 10K/year of marital funds.

OP’s dad needs a real solution, not a crazy expensive band aid that puts all the burden on his son and gives his other child a pass.

The laughable thing is that we are expected to believe that a nanny would charge 10K to watch kids a couple of extended afternoons/evenings a week. It won't cost them anywhere near 10K unless Op and his wife are complete morons with money and easily tricked by evil over charging nannies.

It is inconvenient I'm sure but it also isn't going to be forever. And, no, Op doesn't get to abdicate his own responsibility to his parents. He needs to do his part, too. This is not all on his sister.

OP’s nanny charges $20/hour. When you’re at the point where kids are in care 11 hours a day - you’re paying overtime. You can argue that you could hire a teen instead. Sure, that’s another transition for the kids and what happens when the teen can’t make it last minute and the nanny made other plans? That’s okay if it’s a date night that you can cancel but what happens when it’s not safe for the grandma to be alone? Part of the reason that people pay for nannies is that they’re reliable. So, let’s take OP at his word about the cost of childcare.

OP is talking about doing this for TWO YEARS! That means an added 10K of childcare expenses per year (20K total) That’s a lot, both financially and time away from his children.

This is not going to last for 2 years. It is more like 2 nights a week for 2 months (about 8 nights). Possibly a little more, and more possibly less. Op's dad needs to have the support of his kids to help make some very serious decisions about their mom. How a wife could be so wrapped up in her own jealousy that she would begrudge her husband the ability to help his own parents at a time like this is just beyond me. Of course you help your parents. Good grief.

Well, now you’re changing the scenario.

What OP proposed to his wife is that he would do this for 2 years until his dad could retire with a full pension. He said his sister could only fully commit to one (maybe 2) days a week, so he would be covering the remaining days.

OP’s wife is adamantly opposed to his 2 year plan. This fantasy plan where OP only helps for a couple months exists only in PP’s imagination.

Right. And Op has been told *repeatedly* that this plan is not going to be happening for two years. What is happening with his mom is very serious and he and his sister need to support their Dad while he tries to figure out a more permanent arrangement. Op's wife can stick her attitude where the sun don't shine. This is not about her right now.

DP. So far, OP has shown zero willingness to have that discussion with his father, so I don’t know where you’re getting that this is just a temporary situation while his father finds a home for her. This situation is going to go on indefinitely until something awful happens to OP’s mother to force the change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

Not when “doing his part” involves putting their children in childcare for 11 hours a day and spending 10K/year of marital funds.

OP’s dad needs a real solution, not a crazy expensive band aid that puts all the burden on his son and gives his other child a pass.

The laughable thing is that we are expected to believe that a nanny would charge 10K to watch kids a couple of extended afternoons/evenings a week. It won't cost them anywhere near 10K unless Op and his wife are complete morons with money and easily tricked by evil over charging nannies.

It is inconvenient I'm sure but it also isn't going to be forever. And, no, Op doesn't get to abdicate his own responsibility to his parents. He needs to do his part, too. This is not all on his sister.

OP’s nanny charges $20/hour. When you’re at the point where kids are in care 11 hours a day - you’re paying overtime. You can argue that you could hire a teen instead. Sure, that’s another transition for the kids and what happens when the teen can’t make it last minute and the nanny made other plans? That’s okay if it’s a date night that you can cancel but what happens when it’s not safe for the grandma to be alone? Part of the reason that people pay for nannies is that they’re reliable. So, let’s take OP at his word about the cost of childcare.

OP is talking about doing this for TWO YEARS! That means an added 10K of childcare expenses per year (20K total) That’s a lot, both financially and time away from his children.

This is not going to last for 2 years. It is more like 2 nights a week for 2 months (about 8 nights). Possibly a little more, and more possibly less. Op's dad needs to have the support of his kids to help make some very serious decisions about their mom. How a wife could be so wrapped up in her own jealousy that she would begrudge her husband the ability to help his own parents at a time like this is just beyond me. Of course you help your parents. Good grief.

Well, now you’re changing the scenario.

What OP proposed to his wife is that he would do this for 2 years until his dad could retire with a full pension. He said his sister could only fully commit to one (maybe 2) days a week, so he would be covering the remaining days.

OP’s wife is adamantly opposed to his 2 year plan. This fantasy plan where OP only helps for a couple months exists only in PP’s imagination.

Right. And Op has been told *repeatedly* that this plan is not going to be happening for two years. What is happening with his mom is very serious and he and his sister need to support their Dad while he tries to figure out a more permanent arrangement. Op's wife can stick her attitude where the sun don't shine. This is not about her right now.

DP. So far, OP has shown zero willingness to have that discussion with his father, so I don’t know where you’re getting that this is just a temporary situation while his father finds a home for her. This situation is going to go on indefinitely until something awful happens to OP’s mother to force the change.

No. It will be evident pretty early on that she needs more supervision than this check system can possibly give her. Dad is going to have to face facts but getting there is a little bit of a process. He needs to rule out what won't work in order to better understand what the solution needs to be. If it's early onset Alzheimer's it's not going to take long to figure out that she needs more than drop by checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of these people are physically going to work during Covid? And the kids are are in “after school care?” In the US? In May 2020?

Is this an old post? I’m so confused?

People are talking about how much extra OP would need to pay the nanny for coverage so he could go take care of his mom several times a week. This would require at a minimum increasing the nanny’s coverage to 11 hours a day AND would cost about 10K/year.

OP wants to do this for 2 years. His wife is opposed to increasing childcare, OP driving 1 hour each way to his parents house daily and the added expense.

Thanks I read the post. It just doesn’t make any sense during Covid. Aren’t many of the family members working from home and have some flexibility? How are the children in “after school care” like the OP said?

Remember, OP is planning to do this for two years. Covid restrictions are temporary. Many people are planning to be back in school in the fall. He did clarify that they use a nanny for childcare though. Maybe she’s still coming now?

They may not even have the same jobs 6 months from now. And who knows how long the kids will be out of school. OP’s mom could be dead by then. I don’t see how the problem is hard right now. If it gets hard later, reassess then.

Well, every update OP has given has stuck to the 2 year time frame. The entire point of OP helping out so much is so his dad can get his full pension when he retires in two years.

I seriously do not understand why some posters keep insisting that’s not what he’s asking of his wife. Every time he updates he says two years. Every time he says he would be going to his parents house 3-4 times per week.

[Anonymous]

Denial runs strong in this family!
Mom is way past a part time check in.
Sister is never going to step up and neither is BIL. Sister is the enabler of her alcoholic DH
Dad is at his wits end but care for Mom is going to cost him not matter what.
OPs wife is the only one that sees that care for Mom will be an ever extending commitment and disaster for kids and the marriage and possibly their jobs.
Could be a troll post also. No COVID?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Paying $40/day and traveling so much just to check on your mother for a few minutes is stupid.

If I were your wife, I would put my foot down too even if you didn’t have siblings to help.

1. Tweak med schedule so your mother can stay until your father comes home. Magnesium supplements are a good idea.

2. Hire a neighbor (retiree, high schooler, college student) to check on your mother. $10/hr.

3. Work on getting your mother in a nursing home. There are waiting lists, so plan now.

OMG. You do NOT pay a high schooler $10/hr to check in on a medically fragile elderly person!

DCUM...where a nanny must have a PHD and be fluent in 5 languages to watch your sleeping child while you and your spouse go on a dinner date---but let any random 16 year old provide medical care for the elderly.

I feel the same about the suggestions to get a neighbor to fill in. I don't know a single person who would agree to this even if paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your wife is doing your whole family a favor, OP.

The level of dementia your mom has is unlikely to be handled well with check ins. It will get worse. You and your sister and dad want to pretend otherwise. All of you need to come up with a long term plan NOW while you have a little bit of time. You need to look into nursing homes or adult daycare centers, something. It sounds like you, your sister and your dad want to stick your heads in the sand and pretend that if you “pitch in” everything would be okay. It’s not.

All of you need to wake up.

The wife either needs to help this family find a placement for her MIL or she can STFU. No, she is not being helpful. She's be obstructive and unhelpful as a matter of fact. What kind of a woman (a social worker of all things!) guilts her husband for wanting to help his own mother?

While I agree that Mom probably does need some sort of LtC facility, that isn't going to happen overnight and in the meantime Dad needs help. He can not do this all alone.

Oooo you have issues. I bet you have a sil you hate. Dad needs to get real about his wife's deteriorating condition and change his work schedule. Op even stated that his family is used to and expects others to do for them. From that you get all this vitriol toward the wife. Like I said, YOU have issues pp. I also think the op is a troll and maybe you are op as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

Op's wife is a worthless shrew who has work connections that might actually help her husband's family but is so busy saying "Noooo. Not my problem....MIL watched SIL's kids....wahhhhhh"

Tell us your story because, like the prior poster said, you have issues. You are op aren't you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

You need to take charge here with an eye to the future.

Your wife has had enough. You need to show her you're doing your level best to make your sister rise to the occasion, and to persuade your father that your mother will need more care well before he retires.

Then when it becomes clear after your sister and father do their part, that it's still not enough, your wife will be amenable to you making an extra effort, which may mean finding an aide, driving up there only once a week, coordinating the move to the nursing home, and contributing money to those costs.

You need to pressure your sister much more. You need to get on the phone with her, when your wife is within earshot, and really use all the arguments you have. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Explicitly tell her that she owes her mother, and now she needs to step up. Raise your voice if necessary. Remind her that your wife and yourself had her back and tried to help her before. Make it clear that she's a good-for-nothing if she doesn't do this for her mother. Not only does she need to visit, she also needs to pay her portion for hiring an aide and then possibly contributing to the nursing home. She can afford it.

Separately, you need to get on the phone with your father, also when your wife is around to listen, and convince him by degrees that your mother will decline quicker than he can retire. He is wise to continue working. Financial health is everything. But in the meantime, tell him it's not sustainable for you to drive in the late afternoon several times a week just to check in on your mother.

Enter the senior help, whether trained or not, finances will decide that. It could be a neighbor or student or whatever, as long as they have good references or you have a gut feeling they're honest. Hire someone to check on her daily.
Then you will push your father to get on waiting lists for nursing homes.

My MIL, a widow, has a rotation of women she interviewed and hired as cleaners and cooks a few years ago. Now she's in late Parkinson's and she absolutely relies on them. They are wonderful women who love my MIL and they take great care of her. One or two of them come several hours every day, to prepare all meals, dispense medication, and clean. They take turns depending on what other jobs they have to do, or what vacation they each take. It's taken such a burden of the family's shoulders. My two BILs visit regularly, but couldn't possible take care of their mother by themselves, as they both work full time and have their own families. My husband and I live an 8 hour plane ride away - DH is a doctor, he helps with the medical aspect of things.

Time to step up, OP.

Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

You need to take charge here with an eye to the future.

Your wife has had enough. You need to show her you're doing your level best to make your sister rise to the occasion, and to persuade your father that your mother will need more care well before he retires.

Then when it becomes clear after your sister and father do their part, that it's still not enough, your wife will be amenable to you making an extra effort, which may mean finding an aide, driving up there only once a week, coordinating the move to the nursing home, and contributing money to those costs.

You need to pressure your sister much more. You need to get on the phone with her, when your wife is within earshot, and really use all the arguments you have. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Explicitly tell her that she owes her mother, and now she needs to step up. Raise your voice if necessary. Remind her that your wife and yourself had her back and tried to help her before. Make it clear that she's a good-for-nothing if she doesn't do this for her mother. Not only does she need to visit, she also needs to pay her portion for hiring an aide and then possibly contributing to the nursing home. She can afford it.

Separately, you need to get on the phone with your father, also when your wife is around to listen, and convince him by degrees that your mother will decline quicker than he can retire. He is wise to continue working. Financial health is everything. But in the meantime, tell him it's not sustainable for you to drive in the late afternoon several times a week just to check in on your mother.

Enter the senior help, whether trained or not, finances will decide that. It could be a neighbor or student or whatever, as long as they have good references or you have a gut feeling they're honest. Hire someone to check on her daily.
Then you will push your father to get on waiting lists for nursing homes.

My MIL, a widow, has a rotation of women she interviewed and hired as cleaners and cooks a few years ago. Now she's in late Parkinson's and she absolutely relies on them. They are wonderful women who love my MIL and they take great care of her. One or two of them come several hours every day, to prepare all meals, dispense medication, and clean. They take turns depending on what other jobs they have to do, or what vacation they each take. It's taken such a burden of the family's shoulders. My two BILs visit regularly, but couldn't possible take care of their mother by themselves, as they both work full time and have their own families. My husband and I live an 8 hour plane ride away - DH is a doctor, he helps with the medical aspect of things.

Time to step up, OP.

Great advice.

It’s great advice if you have money. The OP stated his parents do not. That’s an incredibly expensive solution.