Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

[Anonymous]

Hire someone from an agency and divorce the bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

Op's wife is a worthless shrew who has work connections that might actually help her husband's family but is so busy saying "Noooo. Not my problem....MIL watched SIL's kids....wahhhhhh"

[Anonymous]

Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Curious: these options are being built around the kids' school schedule. What schools are open now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife has a full time hard job. Pay some one to look after your mom. It makes no sense to put your kids in day care so you can spend time with your mom. Plus no day cares and camps are open.

They have a nanny.

The $10,000 is how much extra they would need to pay to increase the nanny’s hours to have 11 hours of coverage a day. This also assumes perfect timing and no traffic. OP is planning to drive 1 hour from work to his parents house, spend exactly 30 minutes with his mom and drive another hour to get home. This assumes OP’s dad never runs late and OP doesn’t spend even 15 minutes talking to him and updating him on how mom is doing. And these are magical DMV locations with zero traffic delays...

Obviously, this plan is going to be more expensive (in childcare costs and time) than OP wants to believe.

O.k. $10,000 extra for 2 extended afternoons/evenings of nanny care is obscene. Hire a teenager to sit for you and it'll be closer to $25 each day.

There is no need to twist yourself into knots trying to find ways this is sooo impossible to do. If you were going to work out in a gym a couple of days a week after work you would find childcare that costs well below 10K.

How are you getting 2 evenings? OP’s sister is only willing to commit to 1 day a week. That leaves 4 days for OP.

She said 1 or 2. She needs to take 2 - Monday & Tuesday for instance - those are the days she is responsible for covering. Op gets 2 days also - Wed & Thurs - those are the days that Op is responsible for covering. They will do this to give Dad some time to figure out where he can place his wife. As others have pointed out, this likely will not go on for long because Mom probably needs more full time supervision whether from in home care or at an LTC. The big thing is that Dad will know that his kids have his back. I can not tell you how important that is for your Dad right now, Op.

That’s wishful thinking.

OP says his sister said she could do it 1 MAYBE 2 days a week. She’s used to people doing things for her and never contributing. She expected free childcare from her mom for a decade and doesn’t want to contribute financially to the moms care now. Someone like that is going to show up a maximum of 1 day a week.

That’s why this plan is stupid. OP thinks he handle the check ins for TWO years. Realistically, he can’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

Op's wife is a worthless shrew who has work connections that might actually help her husband's family but is so busy saying "Noooo. Not my problem....MIL watched SIL's kids....wahhhhhh"

This is my perception of OP's wife. She reminds me of the second marriage Mom's who don't want the Dad to see his kids from his first marriage.

Clearly OP wants to support his Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

Not when “doing his part” involves putting their children in childcare for 11 hours a day and spending 10K/year of marital funds.

OP’s dad needs a real solution, not a crazy expensive band aid that puts all the burden on his son and gives his other child a pass.

[Anonymous]

How far does your sister live from your Mom? Sounds like she is close because Mom watched the DCs. You, on the other hand, live an hour away. Sister gets 3 days a week. And you didn’t answer if her teen children (who are out of school at 3 pm) can check in on Grandma at 4 pm.

Regardless, none of this is sustainable and your Mom is going to deteriorate and need more help rapidly. If your parents have a spare bedroom consider an exchange where they have a nursing student or a competent person live rent-free in exchange for the 4 pm shift. Or, rent the room and use that money to hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife has a full time hard job. Pay some one to look after your mom. It makes no sense to put your kids in day care so you can spend time with your mom. Plus no day cares and camps are open.

They have a nanny.

The $10,000 is how much extra they would need to pay to increase the nanny’s hours to have 11 hours of coverage a day. This also assumes perfect timing and no traffic. OP is planning to drive 1 hour from work to his parents house, spend exactly 30 minutes with his mom and drive another hour to get home. This assumes OP’s dad never runs late and OP doesn’t spend even 15 minutes talking to him and updating him on how mom is doing. And these are magical DMV locations with zero traffic delays...

Obviously, this plan is going to be more expensive (in childcare costs and time) than OP wants to believe.

O.k. $10,000 extra for 2 extended afternoons/evenings of nanny care is obscene. Hire a teenager to sit for you and it'll be closer to $25 each day.

There is no need to twist yourself into knots trying to find ways this is sooo impossible to do. If you were going to work out in a gym a couple of days a week after work you would find childcare that costs well below 10K.

How are you getting 2 evenings? OP’s sister is only willing to commit to 1 day a week. That leaves 4 days for OP.

She said 1 or 2. She needs to take 2 - Monday & Tuesday for instance - those are the days she is responsible for covering. Op gets 2 days also - Wed & Thurs - those are the days that Op is responsible for covering. They will do this to give Dad some time to figure out where he can place his wife. As others have pointed out, this likely will not go on for long because Mom probably needs more full time supervision whether from in home care or at an LTC. The big thing is that Dad will know that his kids have his back. I can not tell you how important that is for your Dad right now, Op.

That’s wishful thinking.

OP says his sister said she could do it 1 MAYBE 2 days a week. She’s used to people doing things for her and never contributing. She expected free childcare from her mom for a decade and doesn’t want to contribute financially to the moms care now. Someone like that is going to show up a maximum of 1 day a week.

That’s why this plan is stupid. OP thinks he handle the check ins for TWO years. Realistically, he can’t.

She said 1 or 2 and she gets 2. This will probably only last for a couple of weeks. It is not a long term thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This problem is going to solve itself because if there really is a moment where mom with cognitive decline is okay with a “check in” every four hours, that moment will be fleeting.

Mom needs proper caregivers and you will have to become one, hire them or move her to nursing care. This “check in” thing is fantasy.

Right. It's the temporary measure they are using while they look for a more permanent solution.

FWIW, my dad had dementia around this age and spent some weeks helping my mom like this. By the time it was clear that Mom really needed help with Dad, she REALLY needed help with Dad. I'm sure that there is a similar dynamic here and Op's Dad needs all hands on deck...or at least as many as are willing to show up to help (certainly NOT Op's wife, she's useless).

j

You must be OP's sister. If his wife is 'useless' than why are you completely giving a pass to the sister - who is certainly not doing well by her own Mom.
Some people....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, your wife has a full time hard job. Pay some one to look after your mom. It makes no sense to put your kids in day care so you can spend time with your mom. Plus no day cares and camps are open.

They have a nanny.

The $10,000 is how much extra they would need to pay to increase the nanny’s hours to have 11 hours of coverage a day. This also assumes perfect timing and no traffic. OP is planning to drive 1 hour from work to his parents house, spend exactly 30 minutes with his mom and drive another hour to get home. This assumes OP’s dad never runs late and OP doesn’t spend even 15 minutes talking to him and updating him on how mom is doing. And these are magical DMV locations with zero traffic delays...

Obviously, this plan is going to be more expensive (in childcare costs and time) than OP wants to believe.

O.k. $10,000 extra for 2 extended afternoons/evenings of nanny care is obscene. Hire a teenager to sit for you and it'll be closer to $25 each day.

There is no need to twist yourself into knots trying to find ways this is sooo impossible to do. If you were going to work out in a gym a couple of days a week after work you would find childcare that costs well below 10K.

How are you getting 2 evenings? OP’s sister is only willing to commit to 1 day a week. That leaves 4 days for OP.

She said 1 or 2. She needs to take 2 - Monday & Tuesday for instance - those are the days she is responsible for covering. Op gets 2 days also - Wed & Thurs - those are the days that Op is responsible for covering. They will do this to give Dad some time to figure out where he can place his wife. As others have pointed out, this likely will not go on for long because Mom probably needs more full time supervision whether from in home care or at an LTC. The big thing is that Dad will know that his kids have his back. I can not tell you how important that is for your Dad right now, Op.

That’s wishful thinking.

OP says his sister said she could do it 1 MAYBE 2 days a week. She’s used to people doing things for her and never contributing. She expected free childcare from her mom for a decade and doesn’t want to contribute financially to the moms care now. Someone like that is going to show up a maximum of 1 day a week.

That’s why this plan is stupid. OP thinks he handle the check ins for TWO years. Realistically, he can’t.

I think OP really should not count on sister for anything in person. She is not reliable. Her family situation is horrible. Grandma essentially raised her kids. I think paying a neighbor or a college student would be more reliable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, would your wife be willing to contribute to the cost of eldercare for your mom? I know she doesn't want to spend more money paying for childcare, but I suspect it's also about the craziness of the situation with you driving 2.5 hours three days a week.

Everyone contributes to the cost of eldercare. Ideally your sister's family slightly more than you. Not because of childcare, but because she has plenty of disposable income.

Op's wife is a worthless shrew who has work connections that might actually help her husband's family but is so busy saying "Noooo. Not my problem....MIL watched SIL's kids....wahhhhhh"

This is my perception of OP's wife. She reminds me of the second marriage Mom's who don't want the Dad to see his kids from his first marriage.

Clearly OP wants to support his Dad.

No, clearly OP wants his wife to support his Dad. What is OP doing now? Funny all the bits that are left out - while strangers help him rip on his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not your wife’s job. Tell your sister to help hire help. She got thousands in free childcare.

Irrelevant. Op needs to do his part and his wife just has to deal with it.

Not when “doing his part” involves putting their children in childcare for 11 hours a day and spending 10K/year of marital funds.

OP’s dad needs a real solution, not a crazy expensive band aid that puts all the burden on his son and gives his other child a pass.

The laughable thing is that we are expected to believe that a nanny would charge 10K to watch kids a couple of extended afternoons/evenings a week. It won't cost them anywhere near 10K unless Op and his wife are complete morons with money and easily tricked by evil over charging nannies.

It is inconvenient I'm sure but it also isn't going to be forever. And, no, Op doesn't get to abdicate his own responsibility to his parents. He needs to do his part, too. This is not all on his sister.