Revealing affair

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated


This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!


No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

I feel the same. If DH steps out but has no intention of leaving, will end it eventually, and is still being decent to me and the kids, I do not want to know. I know that I would not be able to stay and I think that would kill my kids. It would also ruin me financially. I respect people who would want to know, but there are a lot of us who wouldn't.


This is so pathetic I don't even know what to say.


Many families have don't ask, don't tell policy. I would not want to know. OP just wants to be an active participant of the drama, that's pretty pathetic.

Then delete the email. Problem solved.


Not wanting to know does not mean turning away, when someone deliberately shoves it in your face.


OP here. The other betrayed spouse thanked me for telling them. They told me they were grateful for the information because they had noticed their spouse had been acting differently but denied and deflected. They told me they felt relieved that they now knew the truth.

I'm glad I told them. I hated keeping such an awful secret from another innocent person. They deserved to know what was happening in their marriage so they could make informed choices for themselves, their health, their marriage, etc.


still, all about you. Here’s your cape. You’re my hero.


Actually, they use the word they more than they use the word I.

I’m sorry that you can’t be a good person. I’m sorry about whatever happened to you in your childhood that brought you to this point in the world.

None of us need capes to be a normal, caring and compassionate human.


Funny how you think your pretend concern coupled with insults makes you a compassionate human. Yep, you don't desrve that cape.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend told me my first dh was cheating on me. She was privy to the information because my ex used her and her dh as his alibi. We were all friends. I was SO GRATEFUL to this woman for having the balls to call me and tell me something I had actually suspected. I was lied to and gaslit by my ex. My df did me a huge favor. Decades later I am still glad she told me. She said she did not want to be complicit in the lie.


But she was your friend. She told you out of concern for you, not for her own revenge or need to make things like pain equal. Their marriage was blown up, so in her mind, yours should too *because the sectet*. The secret is over already.


You don’t know that. Most of us that caught our friends husband cheating, and told them we’re just so glad to get that **** out of our lives.


And many women stay. It doesn’t make them weak or less. It makes them
Different than you.

Staying after infidelity is their choice. You know what isn't? Being lied to and gaslit and not having all the information. If I want to stay with my husband after he cheats on me, that is my choice, but at least I'm making it with ALL the information out in the open. I'd rather make that decision actually knowing what's going on.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend told me my first dh was cheating on me. She was privy to the information because my ex used her and her dh as his alibi. We were all friends. I was SO GRATEFUL to this woman for having the balls to call me and tell me something I had actually suspected. I was lied to and gaslit by my ex. My df did me a huge favor. Decades later I am still glad she told me. She said she did not want to be complicit in the lie.


But she was your friend. She told you out of concern for you, not for her own revenge or need to make things like pain equal. Their marriage was blown up, so in her mind, yours should too *because the sectet*. The secret is over already.
I don't know why you're so hung up on OP telling her AP's spouse about the affair. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I think most spouses do want to know their partner is cheating on them. No one likes to look like an ass. So whether it was my df who told me or my ex's AP's spouse (she didn't have one), I would have wanted to know. From ANYONE who knew.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend told me my first dh was cheating on me. She was privy to the information because my ex used her and her dh as his alibi. We were all friends. I was SO GRATEFUL to this woman for having the balls to call me and tell me something I had actually suspected. I was lied to and gaslit by my ex. My df did me a huge favor. Decades later I am still glad she told me. She said she did not want to be complicit in the lie.


But she was your friend. She told you out of concern for you, not for her own revenge or need to make things like pain equal. Their marriage was blown up, so in her mind, yours should too *because the sectet*. The secret is over already.


You don’t know that. Most of us that caught our friends husband cheating, and told them we’re just so glad to get that **** out of our lives.


And many women stay. It doesn’t make them weak or less. It makes them
Different than you.


And many men stay, too.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend told me my first dh was cheating on me. She was privy to the information because my ex used her and her dh as his alibi. We were all friends. I was SO GRATEFUL to this woman for having the balls to call me and tell me something I had actually suspected. I was lied to and gaslit by my ex. My df did me a huge favor. Decades later I am still glad she told me. She said she did not want to be complicit in the lie.


But she was your friend. She told you out of concern for you, not for her own revenge or need to make things like pain equal. Their marriage was blown up, so in her mind, yours should too *because the sectet*. The secret is over already.


You don’t know that. Most of us that caught our friends husband cheating, and told them we’re just so glad to get that **** out of our lives.


And many women stay. It doesn’t make them weak or less. It makes them
Different than you.


Doesn’t matter either way the reality is just cause a friend tells you about the affair doesn’t mean it’s cause they’re concerned for you just like it doesn’t matter whyOP told the spouse about the affair.

Your assumptions are not reality.

Your maladaptive ways of looking at things are concerning, and I will check with a doctor on those.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend told me my first dh was cheating on me. She was privy to the information because my ex used her and her dh as his alibi. We were all friends. I was SO GRATEFUL to this woman for having the balls to call me and tell me something I had actually suspected. I was lied to and gaslit by my ex. My df did me a huge favor. Decades later I am still glad she told me. She said she did not want to be complicit in the lie.


But she was your friend. She told you out of concern for you, not for her own revenge or need to make things like pain equal. Their marriage was blown up, so in her mind, yours should too *because the sectet*. The secret is over already.
I don't know why you're so hung up on OP telling her AP's spouse about the affair. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I think most spouses do want to know their partner is cheating on them. No one likes to look like an ass. So whether it was my df who told me or my ex's AP's spouse (she didn't have one), I would have wanted to know. From ANYONE who knew.

Agreed!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend told me my first dh was cheating on me. She was privy to the information because my ex used her and her dh as his alibi. We were all friends. I was SO GRATEFUL to this woman for having the balls to call me and tell me something I had actually suspected. I was lied to and gaslit by my ex. My df did me a huge favor. Decades later I am still glad she told me. She said she did not want to be complicit in the lie.


But she was your friend. She told you out of concern for you, not for her own revenge or need to make things like pain equal. Their marriage was blown up, so in her mind, yours should too *because the sectet*. The secret is over already.


You don’t know that. Most of us that caught our friends husband cheating, and told them we’re just so glad to get that **** out of our lives.


And many women stay. It doesn’t make them weak or less. It makes them
Different than you.


Doesn’t matter either way the reality is just cause a friend tells you about the affair doesn’t mean it’s cause they’re concerned for you just like it doesn’t matter whyOP told the spouse about the affair.

Your assumptions are not reality.

Your maladaptive ways of looking at things are concerning, and I will check with a doctor on those.


Do you always gaslight people with differing opinions than yours l? and shut them down with weird medical
Advice instead of entering any kind of meaningful discussion that matter you incorrect?

If you do, maybe that’s is something “you should check with a doctor on those” about.

I really suspect most of you screaming that you would leave, would actually not once you see the financial and custody implications of doing so.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated


This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!


No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

And many others would. If you are fine with staying with a cheater, just ignore the information and keep your head in the sand. Don't shoot the messenger because you have no self respect

It's people like you who fall the hardest when life get messy. And it always gets messy. I often wonder what it's like living in a black & white world that you must protect by hurling meaningless insults at people you don't know.


New poster. People who tell the truth “fall the hardest when life gets messy?” You saying this is laughable- it’s the ultimate irony that someone who would prefer to live in denial than know the truth about their marriage and partner would say this. No, life gets hard for those that are so immature and have such little respect for themselves that they can’t cope with the truth about their spouse. And you dare bring kids into this? You are modeling low self esteem and hiding things. There’s a reason that people talk about generational trauma, sounds like you are a big proponent.


Sometimes taking the hard road is more mature and self respecting than cutting ties, taking the nuclear option and burning an entire family and all the involved lives to the ground.

It’s easy to see here who has never faced difficult times by the fact they think they will never face them, and seem to know the “perfect” answer of what they would do.


Sure. But that is always with eyes wide open and with the truth on the table. Being cheated on is about far more than sex. It is about taking away your agency to determine your life. If after you know that your spouse is a cheater, you decide to work through it, you have agency. If you go through life imagining that your partner is true to you, and they are not, you are not making an affirmative decision to stay. You are just a sucker.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A friend told me my first dh was cheating on me. She was privy to the information because my ex used her and her dh as his alibi. We were all friends. I was SO GRATEFUL to this woman for having the balls to call me and tell me something I had actually suspected. I was lied to and gaslit by my ex. My df did me a huge favor. Decades later I am still glad she told me. She said she did not want to be complicit in the lie.


But she was your friend. She told you out of concern for you, not for her own revenge or need to make things like pain equal. Their marriage was blown up, so in her mind, yours should too *because the sectet*. The secret is over already.


You don’t know that. Most of us that caught our friends husband cheating, and told them we’re just so glad to get that **** out of our lives.


And many women stay. It doesn’t make them weak or less. It makes them
Different than you.


Doesn’t matter either way the reality is just cause a friend tells you about the affair doesn’t mean it’s cause they’re concerned for you just like it doesn’t matter whyOP told the spouse about the affair.

Your assumptions are not reality.

Your maladaptive ways of looking at things are concerning, and I will check with a doctor on those.


Do you always gaslight people with differing opinions than yours l? and shut them down with weird medical
Advice instead of entering any kind of meaningful discussion that matter you incorrect?

If you do, maybe that’s is something “you should check with a doctor on those” about.

I really suspect most of you screaming that you would leave, would actually not once you see the financial and custody implications of doing so.


So youre extra sensitive about this, because your husband cheated? How did you find out? Did you shoot the messenger like youre doing here?
Anonymous
I’d want to know if I were being cheated on

I’d tell other spouse if I found out my spouse and their spouse were cheating.

This isn’t rocket science.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.


Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

You don't think adults should be held accountable for their actions? You think that only applies to children? Wtf?


You are not holding them accountable. You are involving "another adult". That's wtf. Is the next step to contact their HR?

The "other adult" is directly involved. It's not reporting them to their boss lol.


The "other adult" is the AP's spouse who, you are hoping, will impose the "natural consequences" along with you as your spouse-kids' playdate went too far.

Oh, I am sure you'll report them to the boss. Maybe they will suspend them or give them a detention?

If it's an inappropriate workplace relationship, why not?

Why are you so concerned about protecting a cheater?


I am not concerned about protecting a cheater, becuase OP's actions are not directed at the cheater.

I don't see a justification for the need to involve the other spouse. I think it's much more humiliating for that person when it comes from anyone other than the cheater themselves.


Well he’ll will freeze before that happens …lol
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated


This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!


No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

I feel the same. If DH steps out but has no intention of leaving, will end it eventually, and is still being decent to me and the kids, I do not want to know. I know that I would not be able to stay and I think that would kill my kids. It would also ruin me financially. I respect people who would want to know, but there are a lot of us who wouldn't.


This is so pathetic I don't even know what to say.


Many families have don't ask, don't tell policy. I would not want to know. OP just wants to be an active participant of the drama, that's pretty pathetic.

Then delete the email. Problem solved.


Not wanting to know does not mean turning away, when someone deliberately shoves it in your face.


OP here. The other betrayed spouse thanked me for telling them. They told me they were grateful for the information because they had noticed their spouse had been acting differently but denied and deflected. They told me they felt relieved that they now knew the truth.

I'm glad I told them. I hated keeping such an awful secret from another innocent person. They deserved to know what was happening in their marriage so they could make informed choices for themselves, their health, their marriage, etc.


Sorry you went through this. It’s absolute hell. I’ve been where you are.

I also told and I also was thanked and faced a very grateful other spouse for having done so. She was a bear at home apparently. And he now had facts to go forward. He filed for divorce. She lost the house. He didn’t have to pay her alimony. She still thinks it’s everyone else’s fault. But, none of that is my problem. I had my own kids and family to attend to after these two selfish dumb fks blew up their lives because they wanted some no-strings side sex midlife.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
What other people missed is that an affair can expose the other spouse to STDs. For this reason alone it's important to divulge.

Whatever happens, happens. But I feel strongly that the more you know, the better you can decide your future.


Amen!!!
Anonymous
Oh, please, OP, you no mother Theresa in this. You are a scorned woman.

The other spouse may not have not innocent. What if he's abusive, what if she's having a revenage affair?

Hurting back your DH is justified. But involving complete strangers and being the main character in this mess is not.


OP didn’t involve strangers, her DH opened that door. The other spouse was grateful because his cheating spouse has been short-tempered at home and gaslighting him, which is emotional abuse.

You have no moral compass and no backbone, clearly, and it is a travesty to all of us that you are raising kids who will similarly blameshift and won’t know right from wrong.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Oh, please, OP, you no mother Theresa in this. You are a scorned woman.

The other spouse may not have not innocent. What if he's abusive, what if she's having a revenage affair?

Hurting back your DH is justified. But involving complete strangers and being the main character in this mess is not.


OP didn’t involve strangers, her DH opened that door. The other spouse was grateful because his cheating spouse has been short-tempered at home and gaslighting him, which is emotional abuse.

You have no moral compass and no backbone, clearly, and it is a travesty to all of us that you are raising kids who will similarly blameshift and won’t know right from wrong.


OP acted without regard for the feelings of the other spouse, only to make herself feel better. That the other spouse did not react badly has nothing to do with that fact, no matter how hard you and OP spin it afterwards.
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