What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Oh come on. There are bad therapists just like there are bad mechanics, bad plumbers, bad dentists, etc. I can't count how many times I've been ripped off by mechanics. People seeking therapy are mentally and psychologically vulnerable. That plus the crap shoot of whether or not they get a good or bad therapist -- that doesn't sound good.

But do you think mechanics cause more problems than they solve?

Yes. Go in for one thing, come out paying for three things. Same with plumbers in case you didn't realize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Oh come on. There are bad therapists just like there are bad mechanics, bad plumbers, bad dentists, etc. I can't count how many times I've been ripped off by mechanics. People seeking therapy are mentally and psychologically vulnerable. That plus the crap shoot of whether or not they get a good or bad therapist -- that doesn't sound good.

But do you think mechanics cause more problems than they solve?

Yes. Go in for one thing, come out paying for three things. Same with plumbers in case you didn't realize that.

PP again -- especially considering the wide variety of opinions people hold and the way they approach life, it's highly likely to get a therapist who is a kook or went into therapy for the wrong reasons or is just not that bright despite making it through school. Etc. Yes, very likely, also considering most people randomly choose someone from a list provided by their insurance. It's a total crap shoot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Oh come on. There are bad therapists just like there are bad mechanics, bad plumbers, bad dentists, etc. I can't count how many times I've been ripped off by mechanics. People seeking therapy are mentally and psychologically vulnerable. That plus the crap shoot of whether or not they get a good or bad therapist -- that doesn't sound good.

But do you think mechanics cause more problems than they solve?

Yes. Go in for one thing, come out paying for three things. Same with plumbers in case you didn't realize that.

Okay but not with the actual car, right? It's not like the car is worse after you take it in?

Of course there are therapists who are bad at their jobs. That doesn't mean therapists as a whole cause more problems than they solve.

The bummer about this is that when a therapist encourages an adult child to approach their parent about an unresolved issue that has been bothering them, the goal of the therapist is to help the parent and child have a good relationship. Some therapists will just tell the child to cut off contact. I am sure there are some therapists out there who say "yeah, you don't have to solve these problems for yourself, repeatedly go to your mom and tell her it's her fault you are forever messed up," but I don't know of one therapeutic modality that recommends that.

[Anonymous]

Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

Yes lets go back to the 1950s when white housewives were taking meth to handle everyday life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

Respect is a two-way street. I owed my racist grandfather who beat his wife and his children absolutely no respect. I owed my gentle and funny and kind grandfather who was a doting husband, father and grandfather a great deal of respect. See the difference?

[Anonymous]

Crap happens in every single person's life. Different people respond to that differently. In that way "children" are responsible for themselves. No one can give a child a perfect childhood from which to launch. No one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

DP, this is going to blow your mind, but many of us have children and because of that can see how wrong our parents were.

And this is going to blow YOUR mind: the same thing will happen to you when your kids grow up. You are teaching them not to forgive your failings as a human being but to hold them against you forever, in the most righteous way imaginable: thinking THEY will never be as bad a parent as YOU have been. Have fun with that.

My children are in their 30's, one has children of his own. I was honest with them about my abusive childhood, how therapy helped me and that each generation can do better. When you know better, you do better. I have a very open and close relationship with both my kids and apologized when necessary. I am having fun with my kids and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I cut off my parent, while in therapy. The therapist never once suggested or encouraged or even validated my choice. I thought she was a bit shocked by it actually. I was just happy to have someone to talk to about it. It had been leading up to that for too long. Anyway, my experience is that therapists do not do what estranged parents might suspect. I am sure that estranged parents would like some outside villain to blame. For sure, not all therapists are great, but they do have their ethics they are supposed to follow, and I would guess most of them do follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

Boomers have already fcked us over - numerous times. I'll pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

Our culture is the most suicidal ever? Compared to when and what other culture? How do homicides and other violence compare over time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

You have a poor understanding of history and world culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Oh come on. There are bad therapists just like there are bad mechanics, bad plumbers, bad dentists, etc. I can't count how many times I've been ripped off by mechanics. People seeking therapy are mentally and psychologically vulnerable. That plus the crap shoot of whether or not they get a good or bad therapist -- that doesn't sound good.

But do you think mechanics cause more problems than they solve?

If a therapist had to replace your parts to fix your problems it would be easy to tell if they were correct. But a therapist says your brokenness is because your parents and go blame them and that's the solution. Case solved. So easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

DP, this is going to blow your mind, but many of us have children and because of that can see how wrong our parents were.

And this is going to blow YOUR mind: the same thing will happen to you when your kids grow up. You are teaching them not to forgive your failings as a human being but to hold them against you forever, in the most righteous way imaginable: thinking THEY will never be as bad a parent as YOU have been. Have fun with that.

My children are in their 30's, one has children of his own. I was honest with them about my abusive childhood, how therapy helped me and that each generation can do better. When you know better, you do better. I have a very open and close relationship with both my kids and apologized when necessary. I am having fun with my kids and grandchildren.

Thank you for sharing this. I truly hope I can say the same thing 20 years from now. Every last word. Thank you! ❤️