What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

It's interesting how some people still blame the 'mother' for mental illness. How misogynistic. Most mental problems are predisposed not from mom.

+1 for misogynism in the field of therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Oh come on. There are bad therapists just like there are bad mechanics, bad plumbers, bad dentists, etc. I can't count how many times I've been ripped off by mechanics. People seeking therapy are mentally and psychologically vulnerable. That plus the crap shoot of whether or not they get a good or bad therapist -- that doesn't sound good.

But do you think mechanics cause more problems than they solve?

If a therapist had to replace your parts to fix your problems it would be easy to tell if they were correct. But a therapist says your brokenness is because your parents and go blame them and that's the solution. Case solved. So easy.

I guess you have not been to therapy. Their job is not to FIND BLAME.

They help you move forward with YOUR Life, achieve your goals.

If you are being blocked from finding life satisfaction because of things that occurred in your childhood, they can help you PROCESS that. But the goal is to help YOU move forward, not to assign blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Oh come on. There are bad therapists just like there are bad mechanics, bad plumbers, bad dentists, etc. I can't count how many times I've been ripped off by mechanics. People seeking therapy are mentally and psychologically vulnerable. That plus the crap shoot of whether or not they get a good or bad therapist -- that doesn't sound good.

But do you think mechanics cause more problems than they solve?

If a therapist had to replace your parts to fix your problems it would be easy to tell if they were correct. But a therapist says your brokenness is because your parents and go blame them and that's the solution. Case solved. So easy.

I guess you have not been to therapy. Their job is not to FIND BLAME.

They help you move forward with YOUR Life, achieve your goals.

If you are being blocked from finding life satisfaction because of things that occurred in your childhood, they can help you PROCESS that. But the goal is to help YOU move forward, not to assign blame.

That's what this topic is about, adults blaming their parents for how they raised them and not owning their own adult problems.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what things I’m going to do that will later prove to have been hurtful to my children. I know there will be some.

When the time comes for me to reckon with their truth, I’ll try to approach it with curiosity and openness.

If what my kids have to say truly seems delusional, I intend to apologize anyway because I love my kids and will crawl over glass to ensure I have a relationship with them.

Do you love your kids, OP?

Then practice saying, “I am so sorry. You did not deserve that. This makes sense to me.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

It's interesting how some people still blame the 'mother' for mental illness. How misogynistic. Most mental problems are predisposed not from mom.

+1 for misogynism in the field of therapy

The thing is, we hold women to a higher standard when it comes to care. We expect so little from men in way of nurturing, etc that we barely look to blame them. Because of the high expectations of what a mother can and should do and be for her children, those of us who had alcoholic, dysfunctional, mentally ill, fighting with dad, etc types of mothers really are injured and at a disadvantage in life. When children's needs aren't met, they blame themselves. By the time they reach adulthood, if they have any hope of being functional and emotionally healthy, they have to look at the true cause. In short, having a sh1t mom effs people up badly...and usually there is a negligent father who did f&ckall for his kids right there with her.

[Anonymous]

put my shoes on and go on vacation.

happy rest of your life adult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

It's interesting how some people still blame the 'mother' for mental illness. How misogynistic. Most mental problems are predisposed not from mom.

+1 for misogynism in the field of therapy

The thing is, we hold women to a higher standard when it comes to care. We expect so little from men in way of nurturing, etc that we barely look to blame them. Because of the high expectations of what a mother can and should do and be for her children, those of us who had alcoholic, dysfunctional, mentally ill, fighting with dad, etc types of mothers really are injured and at a disadvantage in life. When children's needs aren't met, they blame themselves. By the time they reach adulthood, if they have any hope of being functional and emotionally healthy, they have to look at the true cause. In short, having a sh1t mom effs people up badly...and usually there is a negligent father who did f&ckall for his kids right there with her.

I think there is also the problem that traditionally, because moms bear the brunt of childcare, their mistakes are more obvious. A mom simply has more opportunities to say or do something hurtful, or to be neglectful (like having a mom who is in the room and ignoring you is going to hurt more than having a dad who is at work ignoring you, even though both are bad).

It's totally unfair! And I think those of us who had dysfunctional childhoods need to realize that while our moms might have obviously made big mistakes, our issues might also be stemming from things our dad did and those things need to be addressed too when we are working on our mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:put my shoes on and go on vacation.

happy rest of your life adult child.

Isn't this kind of a mean thing to say? I know adult children can be a**holes but this seems a little harsh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

It's interesting how some people still blame the 'mother' for mental illness. How misogynistic. Most mental problems are predisposed not from mom.

+1 for misogynism in the field of therapy

The thing is, we hold women to a higher standard when it comes to care. We expect so little from men in way of nurturing, etc that we barely look to blame them. Because of the high expectations of what a mother can and should do and be for her children, those of us who had alcoholic, dysfunctional, mentally ill, fighting with dad, etc types of mothers really are injured and at a disadvantage in life. When children's needs aren't met, they blame themselves. By the time they reach adulthood, if they have any hope of being functional and emotionally healthy, they have to look at the true cause. In short, having a sh1t mom effs people up badly...and usually there is a negligent father who did f&ckall for his kids right there with her.

I think there is also the problem that traditionally, because moms bear the brunt of childcare, their mistakes are more obvious. A mom simply has more opportunities to say or do something hurtful, or to be neglectful (like having a mom who is in the room and ignoring you is going to hurt more than having a dad who is at work ignoring you, even though both are bad).

It's totally unfair! And I think those of us who had dysfunctional childhoods need to realize that while our moms might have obviously made big mistakes, our issues might also be stemming from things our dad did and those things need to be addressed too when we are working on our mental health.

Absolutely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:put my shoes on and go on vacation.

happy rest of your life adult child.

I hope you have an excellent elder care plan for yourself as well as the funds to realize it. With that attitude, you risk alienation from your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

It's interesting how some people still blame the 'mother' for mental illness. How misogynistic. Most mental problems are predisposed not from mom.

+1 for misogynism in the field of therapy

The thing is, we hold women to a higher standard when it comes to care. We expect so little from men in way of nurturing, etc that we barely look to blame them. Because of the high expectations of what a mother can and should do and be for her children, those of us who had alcoholic, dysfunctional, mentally ill, fighting with dad, etc types of mothers really are injured and at a disadvantage in life. When children's needs aren't met, they blame themselves. By the time they reach adulthood, if they have any hope of being functional and emotionally healthy, they have to look at the true cause. In short, having a sh1t mom effs people up badly...and usually there is a negligent father who did f&ckall for his kids right there with her.

I think there is also the problem that traditionally, because moms bear the brunt of childcare, their mistakes are more obvious. A mom simply has more opportunities to say or do something hurtful, or to be neglectful (like having a mom who is in the room and ignoring you is going to hurt more than having a dad who is at work ignoring you, even though both are bad).

It's totally unfair! And I think those of us who had dysfunctional childhoods need to realize that while our moms might have obviously made big mistakes, our issues might also be stemming from things our dad did and those things need to be addressed too when we are working on our mental health.

+1. This is especially true if mom had to hold the family together while dad struggled with his own emotional issues, ADHD, or substance abuse. Multiply it x10 if dad wanted to be his kids’ best friend so dad never helped set standards or boundaries and maybe even actively undermined mom.

Therapists reinforce the misogyny, maybe because they’re stuck in old gender roles, and also because they’ll never get the full picture from your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

+1 OP’s response is unbelievable.

It’s clear to see why her kids might have issues from their childhood.

GTFO. You know next to nothing about how OP raised her kids, because she’s told you next to nothing except that she homeschooled them. We know something about you, though: you’re definitely a misogynist and possibly an anti-religion bigot.

[Anonymous]

30+ years old is past the age of blaming mommy for your mental problems (even though OP sounds like a peace of work)