What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

You tell them their children will do the same to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

That's how it works. Do you think only children who choose to should go to church if the family goes to church? How about eating vegetables? Is it okay to force our kids to eat a balanced diet? Or go to bed at a decent hour so they can get up in the morning? Is that okay to "force" on our kids?

A different person with a different personality would grow up to say, I hated going to church on Sunday. End of story. Not the end of the world. Some people hated how their mothers cooked dinner. Also not a big deal. So the kid was forced to have religion in his life. So what.

Don't get me started.
-former Catholic taught by fire and brimstone nuns who assured me I am going to Hell. I was 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

Here we go. Another DCUM parent who can’t face facts that—once grown—their adult sons and daughters don’t want to be treated like children. When you are guests in someone’s home—yes, even your son or daughter—you should behave as just that: a guest. If you wouldn’t criticize, find fault with or question your friend’s home, don’t be rude and act like you can get away with being RUDE in your son or daughter’s home. Want respect? Show respect. Want to be treated with warmth? Treat your sons and daughters with warmth.

This is not hard for normal, stable, mature people.

Normal, stable, mature people can handle someone sharing their opinion about their kitchen needing work. Seriously.

Seriously? You don't think it's weird to just make unsolicited comments about someone's house? Oh I can handle it. But bringing it up is still an a-hole thing for you to do. Good grief.

I get it. That constant judgement and criticism is belittling. It likely continuing from childhood when the critical parent chipped away the child's self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

That's how it works. Do you think only children who choose to should go to church if the family goes to church? How about eating vegetables? Is it okay to force our kids to eat a balanced diet? Or go to bed at a decent hour so they can get up in the morning? Is that okay to "force" on our kids?

A different person with a different personality would grow up to say, I hated going to church on Sunday. End of story. Not the end of the world. Some people hated how their mothers cooked dinner. Also not a big deal. So the kid was forced to have religion in his life. So what.

Don't get me started.
-former Catholic taught by fire and brimstone nuns who assured me I am going to Hell. I was 7.

And lived to tell the tale. The Catholic church has been doing this for literally hundreds of years. It's not unique for a parent to impose their religious beliefs on their children, either. It's pretty standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

Do you just post the same response over and over again, no matter what you're responding to? The comment was in response to "I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child."

I said, to put one's ego aside to take care of the child is NO LONGER NECESSARY OR ADMIRABLE ONCE THEY ARE ADULTS. This has nothing to do with apologizing. I'm not sure why you keep insisting it does. You are a one-trick pony.

NP, in most intimate relationships, it’s best to put your ego to the side and work on connection. Putting your ego to the side means you are not acting from a place of hurt, self protection,defensiveness, etc. You are truly able to hear and connect because you are not so worried on protecting your self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

DP, this is going to blow your mind, but many of us have children and because of that can see how wrong our parents were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

Yes. Decent human beings care about others' feelings and apologize when they mess up, even if it was a small thing. This is what you sign up for when you choose to bring a child into the world. Why would it be otherwise?

You are an incredibly selfish and self-centered brat who still sees her or himself as a child who deserves the world to revolve around them. You parents definitely did something wrong in that regard.

I'm not saying this as an adult child. I'm saying this as a parent who apologizes to her children, even though the mistakes I have made as a parent are due to things that are not my fault (namely, a terrible upbringing). At this point I honestly don't care what my parents do. I want to be the best mom and human being I can, and sometimes that requires letting go of my own ego and focusing on the child.

That is the mark of a good parent.

At some point that just becomes absurd. That point is when the child grows up and becomes an adult. To say parents should continue putting their own ego aside and focus on the child into adulthood is ridiculous and unhealthy and unnecessary. It's warped.

Bringing up something that hurt or was unfair or damaging in the past OR the present is what adults do. Would you dismiss the hurt of a peer cousin, or a longtime friend, or would you listen to them, consider their words, and apologize if needed? Especially when it comes to what you are CURRENTLY doing or saying or how you behave toward your adult child, you are just as accountable for your words and actions as you are to a peer. You don’t get to use your adult children as a punching bag. If you wouldn’t, say, walk into a friend’s house and insult it and tell them what should be fixed or updated, then you should not do that to an adult child. Do you get it?

No, the PP said giving up your ego to focus on the CHILD is what good parents do. My point is that that yes, that is what good parents do when they are raising children. Eventually that ends. Eventually you have an adult on your hands, no longer a child. At that point it is a ridiculous fetish to put your ego and needs aside to focus on a grown man or woman as if they are still a child.

And the examples like the one above are just laughable. THIS is what we have been discussing for 12 pages -- daring to comment on something in your house that should be fixed? Really? People come on DCUM and say with straight faces that they want to cut off their parents for saying things like the bolded above. My God you are delicate, if someone suggesting your kitchen needs updating is experienced as you being used as a punching bag. Get a grip on yourself.

This is so bizarre. A fetish?

I truly don't think there is a difference in the way apologies work in a parent/child relationship and any other relationship. Just because a hurt happened long ago and both parties are adults doesn't mean it should never be addressed. It also doesn't mean one party continuously brings it up--especially after there has been genuine empathy and a true apology--or that they blame everything in life on the other person. It's just about basic relationship principles.

This is apparently really fraught for lots of people. It seems like when somebody gets defensive, starts justifying, blames the person who brought up the difficult issue, etc., they don't usually feel good about themselves. They are might be feeling some shame about their actions, or some resentment for not being appreciated, or some fear that if they made a mistake, that means they aren't as good of a person as they thought they were.

I saw that another commenter recommended dialectical behavioral therapy to OP, and I would second that. You don't have to pay a therapist, there are DBT workbooks on amazon for cheap. OP doesn't seem to be able to consider the possibility that it was not a good idea to force her religion onto her child, and therefore her child must be wrong and she cannot be responsible for issues he has. I think that dialectical behavioral therapy would allow OP to realize that she can have made a big parenting mistake and still be a good person and a good mother to her adult child.

That's how it works. Do you think only children who choose to should go to church if the family goes to church? How about eating vegetables? Is it okay to force our kids to eat a balanced diet? Or go to bed at a decent hour so they can get up in the morning? Is that okay to "force" on our kids?

A different person with a different personality would grow up to say, I hated going to church on Sunday. End of story. Not the end of the world. Some people hated how their mothers cooked dinner. Also not a big deal. So the kid was forced to have religion in his life. So what.

Don't get me started.
-former Catholic taught by fire and brimstone nuns who assured me I am going to Hell. I was 7.

And lived to tell the tale. The Catholic church has been doing this for literally hundreds of years. It's not unique for a parent to impose their religious beliefs on their children, either. It's pretty standard.

Yeah, but now I worship Satan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

You are not very progressive. Of course there are good and bad therapists...but for people who are very unhappy/depressed/anxious, stuck in a bad situation...they can be (LITERALLY) lifesaving.

Mental health is health, so we need professionals who are well trained to help people overcome the challenges in their lives when they feel overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Not DH (Freudian slip) meant DS.

The therapist would have a field day with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

My mom raised six kids. When she shares (we are all older now) about the one who has trouble getting along with ANYONE (siblings, co-workers, friends/neighbors), she said he was difficult from childhood. Very fussy and hard to please. When the rest of us hear his version of our upbringing, we don't even recognize it (his perceptions are SO twisted).

My mom says (from her experience) kids come with a pre-baked personality. You can only do so much to shape how they perceive the world.

I think this is right (though of course, a non-loving/abusive family can screw up a child who had the potential to grow into a happy and healthy adult).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

+1. My dad still talks about how much it hurt his feelings when I as a 2-3 year old would cry when my mom left for work and how I liked my mom more than I liked him. Yes, really. I knew/know it’s ridiculous for him to say this or feel this way and bring it up still 30+ years later but to be honest I do feel a twinge of guilt for “hurting his feelings.” I think my dad and other adults who do stuff like this (such as possibly OP) are narcissistic.

His feelings are still hurt. Otherwise he would have forgotten about it. Wait until you become a parent, you'll have your feelings hurt too.

DP, this is going to blow your mind, but many of us have children and because of that can see how wrong our parents were.

And this is going to blow YOUR mind: the same thing will happen to you when your kids grow up. You are teaching them not to forgive your failings as a human being but to hold them against you forever, in the most righteous way imaginable: thinking THEY will never be as bad a parent as YOU have been. Have fun with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Yup. Totally lacking introspection and empathy, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Oh come on. There are bad therapists just like there are bad mechanics, bad plumbers, bad dentists, etc. I can't count how many times I've been ripped off by mechanics. People seeking therapy are mentally and psychologically vulnerable. That plus the crap shoot of whether or not they get a good or bad therapist -- that doesn't sound good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

I suspect that therapists cause more problems than they solve.

Typical response given by someone who is not capable of admitting their own fault or failures.

Oh come on. There are bad therapists just like there are bad mechanics, bad plumbers, bad dentists, etc. I can't count how many times I've been ripped off by mechanics. People seeking therapy are mentally and psychologically vulnerable. That plus the crap shoot of whether or not they get a good or bad therapist -- that doesn't sound good.

But do you think mechanics cause more problems than they solve?