Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

DP. You can like someone without wanting them to be present in every single context of your life. That's okay. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it imply that the other person is unworthy in some way. It's a matter of context.

Do you want everyone you "really like enough" going on date night with you and your husband? invited to the spa day you do every summer with your two college roommates to catch up? coming to a quiet walk through the museum you had planned to clear your head?

All of the people you really like? really, all of them, every time, all at once?

It's a book club. Where are you getting "Every single context..." No need to exaggerate and make this into a way bigger deal. OP didn't seem to think so and is merely asking for polite working. Stop being dramatic.

"Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough..."

Mmm, no. Some contexts, yes, but not in some others.

Some book clubs are intimate gatherings with other purposes, and some are more free-wheeling and easily opened to new people. You don't know which unless you ask, and when you ask, you acknowledge that there are different contexts instead of assuming you are welcome in every one. Listen -- "Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough..." is just not true.

The people that don't want you around in everything they do, PP, don't necessarily hate you, or want to hurt you, or think that you are trash. Theya re just busy with their own lives. Let them be busy, and go find something to be busy with, yourself. You'll be happier. You'll be fine.

So OP can tell the friend that. In polite words. And the neighbor can take that as she wishes. If she was looking for someone who wants to spend more time together then maybe she will focus her energies elsewhere. Other people have suggested OP offer another thing to do like grab coffee or start another club. That signals that OP does want to spend more time and likes her well enough. If she's so busy then that at least lets the neighbor know where she stands. What's wrong with that?

[Anonymous]

I think you are really mean for not including her! Middle school all over again 🫤

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

DP. You can like someone without wanting them to be present in every single context of your life. That's okay. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it imply that the other person is unworthy in some way. It's a matter of context.

Do you want everyone you "really like enough" going on date night with you and your husband? invited to the spa day you do every summer with your two college roommates to catch up? coming to a quiet walk through the museum you had planned to clear your head?

All of the people you really like? really, all of them, every time, all at once?

It's a book club. Where are you getting "Every single context..." No need to exaggerate and make this into a way bigger deal. OP didn't seem to think so and is merely asking for polite working. Stop being dramatic.

"Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough..."

Mmm, no. Some contexts, yes, but not in some others.

Some book clubs are intimate gatherings with other purposes, and some are more free-wheeling and easily opened to new people. You don't know which unless you ask, and when you ask, you acknowledge that there are different contexts instead of assuming you are welcome in every one. Listen -- "Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough..." is just not true.

The people that don't want you around in everything they do, PP, don't necessarily hate you, or want to hurt you, or think that you are trash. Theya re just busy with their own lives. Let them be busy, and go find something to be busy with, yourself. You'll be happier. You'll be fine.

So OP can tell the friend that. In polite words. And the neighbor can take that as she wishes. If she was looking for someone who wants to spend more time together then maybe she will focus her energies elsewhere. Other people have suggested OP offer another thing to do like grab coffee or start another club. That signals that OP does want to spend more time and likes her well enough. If she's so busy then that at least lets the neighbor know where she stands. What's wrong with that?

Yeah. Did you not ... read the title of the thread?

[Anonymous]

I would not invite myself to a book club with a bunch of people I do not know. That’s presumptuous. And it would put the one person I do know in an awkward position. Serious, I have close friends who engage in activities and groups and organizations in which I have not been invited. So what?
My friendship does not obligate me to having you do everything I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

DP. You can like someone without wanting them to be present in every single context of your life. That's okay. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it imply that the other person is unworthy in some way. It's a matter of context.

Do you want everyone you "really like enough" going on date night with you and your husband? invited to the spa day you do every summer with your two college roommates to catch up? coming to a quiet walk through the museum you had planned to clear your head?

All of the people you really like? really, all of them, every time, all at once?

It's a book club. Where are you getting "Every single context..." No need to exaggerate and make this into a way bigger deal. OP didn't seem to think so and is merely asking for polite working. Stop being dramatic.

"Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough..."

Mmm, no. Some contexts, yes, but not in some others.

Some book clubs are intimate gatherings with other purposes, and some are more free-wheeling and easily opened to new people. You don't know which unless you ask, and when you ask, you acknowledge that there are different contexts instead of assuming you are welcome in every one. Listen -- "Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough..." is just not true.

The people that don't want you around in everything they do, PP, don't necessarily hate you, or want to hurt you, or think that you are trash. Theya re just busy with their own lives. Let them be busy, and go find something to be busy with, yourself. You'll be happier. You'll be fine.

So OP can tell the friend that. In polite words. And the neighbor can take that as she wishes. If she was looking for someone who wants to spend more time together then maybe she will focus her energies elsewhere. Other people have suggested OP offer another thing to do like grab coffee or start another club. That signals that OP does want to spend more time and likes her well enough. If she's so busy then that at least lets the neighbor know where she stands. What's wrong with that?

Yeah. Did you not ... read the title of the thread?

I sure did. What's with all the drama about thinking the neighbor is a super stalker who wants to spend alllll her time with the friend? She asked about one book club. OP dodged the question and then neighbor asked again and now its more awkward. OP wants to say no, and that's ok and if neighbor doesn't like that answer then that's ok too. It wasn't rude to ask in the first place and being told no may hurt neighbor's feelings and she may want to move on from the friendship. Maybe if OP did like her more she would have more readily said yes and wanted to introduce her to her friends. Nobody here knows for sure. What does it matter to some if the neighbor doesn't take the rejection well? Her feelings may be hurt, and OP is aware of that. But the talk of "OP doesn't want neighbor around for everything" doesn't describe this one situation at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

I can’t join my neighbors country club. I guess they shouldn’t take their kids swimming or play tennis. Or maybe they can but have to go in their regular clothes so I don’t know.

Dp If you don't know the difference between a country club and an informal FREE book club. I am not sure what to say. If I was op and I wanted to exclude this "friend" than I would say we don't really talk about books but, gossip so you might not be interested.

It's not a book club for OP's friends. It's a book club for preschool moms who have known each other for years, and OP is a MEMBER of this group. It is not an "OP's Friends Book Club."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

I
You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

Why do so many posters see this as a litmus test for how much OP likes her new friend, or if she has a right to call her a friend at all? It's one thing -- abook club where the new friend wouldn't be welcome and wouldn't fit it. I'm sure there's more to OP's life than this -- more that she's probably already been sharing with her new friend, and more to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really mean for not including her! Middle school all over again 🫤

This right here is why so many posters are triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

I know several women like this. Absolutely never reciprocate, but get hurt feelings when they aren’t included. One even tried inviting herself to my vacation home for a weekend.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

Ah, yes, the old “you should invite me even though I’m never going to reciprocate.”[/quote]

I never said that. I just said my home isn't the best place. I could do other things. Plus, they like to entertain in their homes! Think things like poker night which they would do regardless.

I've been thinking about you. Once when I moved into a new neighborhood one of my neighbors came to my door to invite me to her book club/womens group. I was so frazzled from my move that I just looked at her with pinwheels for eyes and said thank you. It never came up again. I feel bad that I let that opportunity slip through my fingers but I just.....couldn't. I was overwhelmed. Neither of us mentioned it again.

Did something similar happen to you with your group? Did they ask you to join them once when you couldn't go, and now they're over the idea or assume you've established that you just don't want to join them?

Sorry to take the thread off to the side....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

Why do people keep rewriting the OP to make this a “close” friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

Why do people keep rewriting the OP to make this a “close” friend?

Probably the same reason people have decided that because neighbor asked about the book club because she wants to join one, she suddenly wants to go to OPs church, professional organizations, salon, family parties, vacations, etc and spend all their time together. It's a bit much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

Why do people keep rewriting the OP to make this a “close” friend?

Probably the same reason people have decided that because neighbor asked about the book club because she wants to join one, she suddenly wants to go to OPs church, professional organizations, salon, family parties, vacations, etc and spend all their time together. It's a bit much.

You appear to have it backwards. People are pushing back against the idea that if the friends is liked, then of course you would invite her. But no -- this is just one of many times you might not invite someone, even if you like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at the idea of having an exclusive book club.

Small town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really mean for not including her! Middle school all over again 🫤

Pot calling kettle.

[Anonymous]

You should have corrected yourself immediately and said well it's not really a book club anymore it's just our social hour. We started off with the idea of reading books but that became secondary long ago. Now we just use it as an hour to catch up as old friends.