Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is like going on and on about how you make an excellent lemon pound cake and telling a friend who then asks for a recipe only for you to say you don't share it. It's annoying, why even bring it up?!

+1. Exactly. Polite people don’t mention gatherings to which others are not invited.

[Anonymous]

So if you might slip up and mention something happening in your life but don't want to invite that one needy friend to absolutely every event, a polite person will just avoid hanging out with that needy person. I mean, be polite about it, but don't get close -- it would be like grabbing a caramel-coated apple before it dries. You'd never get rid of it.

Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say yes. Don't be a jerk.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you call it a book club? Do you even read books? You should call it something else. Calling it a book club seems like it's open to anyone wanting to read books. If it's not that kind of club, tell her it's not actually a book club.

It sounds more classy than a wine club.

[Anonymous]

Op, you aren't friends with this woman. You are also not being kind in this situation. You know the right thing to do but you refuse to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you aren't friends with this woman. You are also not being kind in this situation. You know the right thing to do but you refuse to do it.

It’s not up to OP. We are not talking about OP’s birthday party where she can completely control the invite list. This a group of women who get together and it’s not OP’s place to unilaterally decide to expand the group (especially if it’s meeting at other peoples homes) without checking with the rest of the group first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really mean for not including her! Middle school all over again 🫤

This right here is why so many posters are triggered.

The real overgrown middle schoolers here are the needy, boundary-free people whining about UR ALL MEEEEEEEEAN and looking for the current version of a teacher to run to shrieking "Teacher, MAKE her and her friends let us play with her!!!!!!"

And now, because it's DCUM, some lame, predictable boob will respond with "Found the bully!"

Grow up.

Um, we're on the same side. I was referring to the poster who said excluding someone from book club was "middle school all over again." Apparently some were excluded in middle school and now they get triggered by threads like these.

Lighten up, mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you aren't friends with this woman. You are also not being kind in this situation. You know the right thing to do but you refuse to do it.

It’s not up to OP. We are not talking about OP’s birthday party where she can completely control the invite list. This a group of women who get together and it’s not OP’s place to unilaterally decide to expand the group (especially if it’s meeting at other peoples homes) without checking with the rest of the group first.

So. all she has to do is ask. She clearly doesn't want to - that is the real issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you aren't friends with this woman. You are also not being kind in this situation. You know the right thing to do but you refuse to do it.

It’s not up to OP. We are not talking about OP’s birthday party where she can completely control the invite list. This a group of women who get together and it’s not OP’s place to unilaterally decide to expand the group (especially if it’s meeting at other peoples homes) without checking with the rest of the group first.

So. all she has to do is ask. She clearly doesn't want to - that is the real issue.

Agree 100% with this assessment.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone has to be invited to everything. It’s ok to have separate groups of friends and do things wth that group w/o inviting friends from another part of your life. These responses are bizarre.

[Anonymous]

You tell her yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has to be invited to everything. It’s ok to have separate groups of friends and do things wth that group w/o inviting friends from another part of your life. These responses are bizarre.

I think most of us would agree that it is okay to have separate group of friends. What I find objectionable is that OP wants to exclude someone who would like to participate.

OP doesn't even want to broach the subject with the other members of the book club. Her reasoning is because they have been only that small group for soooooooo long. That seems offensive to me and I don't even know OP or the people in the book club. Like, sorry chick, I didn't even know about your preschool back when my kid was that young. If I had, well, certainly I would have made sure that my kid went there so I could join the precious mommy book club lol.

It is funny. I don't normally get upset about stuff like this but I feel really badly for this woman who wants to join and is being excluded just because she met OP 10 years later. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has to be invited to everything. It’s ok to have separate groups of friends and do things wth that group w/o inviting friends from another part of your life. These responses are bizarre.

I think most of us would agree that it is okay to have separate group of friends. What I find objectionable is that OP wants to exclude someone who would like to participate.

OP doesn't even want to broach the subject with the other members of the book club. Her reasoning is because they have been only that small group for soooooooo long. That seems offensive to me and I don't even know OP or the people in the book club. Like, sorry chick, I didn't even know about your preschool back when my kid was that young. If I had, well, certainly I would have made sure that my kid went there so I could join the precious mommy book club lol.

It is funny. I don't normally get upset about stuff like this but I feel really badly for this woman who wants to join and is being excluded just because she met OP 10 years later. Sigh.

Would you feel the same way about a bookclub of college friends or high school friends? That the neighbor should be invited? I think it’s weird the neighbor-friend wants to join a bookclub w/ this woman’s random longtime friends. She should Start a neighborhood bookclub w the friend. I know many ppl in multiple Bookclubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has to be invited to everything. It’s ok to have separate groups of friends and do things wth that group w/o inviting friends from another part of your life. These responses are bizarre.

I think most of us would agree that it is okay to have separate group of friends. What I find objectionable is that OP wants to exclude someone who would like to participate.

OP doesn't even want to broach the subject with the other members of the book club. Her reasoning is because they have been only that small group for soooooooo long. That seems offensive to me and I don't even know OP or the people in the book club. Like, sorry chick, I didn't even know about your preschool back when my kid was that young. If I had, well, certainly I would have made sure that my kid went there so I could join the precious mommy book club lol.

It is funny. I don't normally get upset about stuff like this but I feel really badly for this woman who wants to join and is being excluded just because she met OP 10 years later. Sigh.

This makes no sense. OP gets to decide if she wants to have separate groups of friends -- the neighbor does not get to decide that for OP. Simply wanting to join doesn't give her the right to join. Only OP can do that -- AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. It might not matter to you that the neighbor met OP 10 years later, but it matters to OP and the others in the book club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you aren't friends with this woman. You are also not being kind in this situation. You know the right thing to do but you refuse to do it.

It’s not up to OP. We are not talking about OP’s birthday party where she can completely control the invite list. This a group of women who get together and it’s not OP’s place to unilaterally decide to expand the group (especially if it’s meeting at other peoples homes) without checking with the rest of the group first.

So. all she has to do is ask. She clearly doesn't want to - that is the real issue.

Yep. All the mental gymnastics about rude or not rude are silly. Ask if you’d like to, say no anyway if you don’t. It’s ok to fudge the truth a bit if needed.