Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

OP should definitely invite her new friend. But she has to tell her that the first rule about book club is . . . .

Seriously, this isn't a clique. A clique is part of a larger group that acts exclusionary toward those in the larger group. The women in OP's book club are old friends from their days as preschool parents. The new friend didn't have children in that nursery school and wasn't excluded from the group, so it's not a clique.

That said, when you make friends with someone who is new in town or who just seems eager to meet new people, the kind and friendly thing to do is to include them in social gatherings where it's comfortable.
So, OP can explain that this book group is really less of a book group and more of a regular hangout with a bunch of old friends, but that it happens that OP is hosting some neighbors/friends next week for drinks and nibbles and would love to have new friend join them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a minority here, but I kind of feel like she is in the wrong. I know how book clubs are and I would never ask someone if I can come. I might ask "is you book club accepting new member?" but never would I ask if I can come to someone's book club meeting.

+1

Exactly. I would say “if you are ever looking for new members, let me know”. It’s easy to ask to be included in a way that does not put the other person on the spot. This can be applied to many social situations and it’s just good manners. You express interest, but leave it open ended. That way if you are not invited to join, but still want to remain friendly, it’s not awkward.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".

+2 And learn some manners and stop talking about "exclusive" activities to others where you don't intend to include them.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2022/01/ask-amy-isnt-it-rude-to-talk-about-parties-in-front-of-people-who-are-not-invited.html
Ask Amy: Isn’t it rude to talk about parties in front of people who are not invited?

I agree that it is rude to discuss a private gathering in front of someone who has not been invited. I think this is a basic rule most of us learned in elementary school, and yet seem to forget later in life.

That’s a reasonable rule to apply when the person is talking about an event to which the other person might have had some degree of expectation of being welcome to/included in. You don’t tell the mom of one of your kid’s classmates that you went out to dinner with a half dozen other moms from the class because that would feel exclusionary. But you’re really saying you wouldn’t mention to a friend that you’re going to your Aunt Gertrude’s retirement party because your friend might be hurt not to have been included in a party for someone they’re never even met and have no connection to?

So my friend who is an attorney isn’t allowed to talk about industry conferences or meetings I’m not invited to because I’m in an entirely different profession? And I’m not allowed to talk to her about the conferences or work-social events I attend? Or my cousin isn’t allowed to tell me about her sorority reunion? My Jewish friends are not allowed to tell me about events and experiences and celebrations in their synagogue community? -np

If you expressed interest in learning more about the synagogue community what would the answer be? "Oh no, sorry, no new members allowed." If this was all so easy why didn't OP just give the answer "No" to begin with?

+1 This. If it was a clear members only club, OP would have just said no. She just doesn't want her close friend there, because she likes having her own clique. Which is fine, but she shouldn't babble about it to others then.

Because a neighbor tells me about a book club with old friends; now it’s compulsory that I be let it. You’re an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".

+2 And learn some manners and stop talking about "exclusive" activities to others where you don't intend to include them.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2022/01/ask-amy-isnt-it-rude-to-talk-about-parties-in-front-of-people-who-are-not-invited.html
Ask Amy: Isn’t it rude to talk about parties in front of people who are not invited?

I agree that it is rude to discuss a private gathering in front of someone who has not been invited. I think this is a basic rule most of us learned in elementary school, and yet seem to forget later in life.

That’s a reasonable rule to apply when the person is talking about an event to which the other person might have had some degree of expectation of being welcome to/included in. You don’t tell the mom of one of your kid’s classmates that you went out to dinner with a half dozen other moms from the class because that would feel exclusionary. But you’re really saying you wouldn’t mention to a friend that you’re going to your Aunt Gertrude’s retirement party because your friend might be hurt not to have been included in a party for someone they’re never even met and have no connection to?

So my friend who is an attorney isn’t allowed to talk about industry conferences or meetings I’m not invited to because I’m in an entirely different profession? And I’m not allowed to talk to her about the conferences or work-social events I attend? Or my cousin isn’t allowed to tell me about her sorority reunion? My Jewish friends are not allowed to tell me about events and experiences and celebrations in their synagogue community? -np

If you expressed interest in learning more about the synagogue community what would the answer be? "Oh no, sorry, no new members allowed." If this was all so easy why didn't OP just give the answer "No" to begin with?

+1 This. If it was a clear members only club, OP would have just said no. She just doesn't want her close friend there, because she likes having her own clique. Which is fine, but she shouldn't babble about it to others then.

Because a neighbor tells me about a book club with old friends; now it’s compulsory that I be let it. You’re an idiot.

How do you know she mentioned "old friends"? Many book clubs are not closed off.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm really surprised by the replies here. There was nothing rude in the asking; and there's nothing rude about saying no. "Book club" can mean anything from an organized group with speakers to wine moms who never crack the spine of a book, so your friend is fine for asking if it's open to new members. And you're fine for not wanting to change the dynamics of a group that have been close-knit for an exceptionally long time.
Just say, "It's less of a formal book club than a chance for old friends to hang out. It's been this same little group for 16 years!" And then immediately suggest another social activity you can do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

I can’t join my neighbors country club. I guess they shouldn’t take their kids swimming or play tennis. Or maybe they can but have to go in their regular clothes so I don’t know.

Dp If you don't know the difference between a country club and an informal FREE book club. I am not sure what to say. If I was op and I wanted to exclude this "friend" than I would say we don't really talk about books but, gossip so you might not be interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

Yes. Some of these replies are reading like rejection sensitive dysphoria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

I know several women like this. Absolutely never reciprocate, but get hurt feelings when they aren’t included. One even tried inviting herself to my vacation home for a weekend.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

Ah, yes, the old “you should invite me even though I’m never going to reciprocate.”[/quote]

I never said that. I just said my home isn't the best place. I could do other things. Plus, they like to entertain in their homes! Think things like poker night which they would do regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

I think you missed the part where the PP was pointing out some basic errors in your grammar/spelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

DP. You can like someone without wanting them to be present in every single context of your life. That's okay. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it imply that the other person is unworthy in some way. It's a matter of context.

Do you want everyone you "really like enough" going on date night with you and your husband? invited to the spa day you do every summer with your two college roommates to catch up? coming to a quiet walk through the museum you had planned to clear your head?

All of the people you really like? really, all of them, every time, all at once?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

DP. You can like someone without wanting them to be present in every single context of your life. That's okay. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it imply that the other person is unworthy in some way. It's a matter of context.

Do you want everyone you "really like enough" going on date night with you and your husband? invited to the spa day you do every summer with your two college roommates to catch up? coming to a quiet walk through the museum you had planned to clear your head?

All of the people you really like? really, all of them, every time, all at once?

It's a book club. Where are you getting "Every single context..." No need to exaggerate and make this into a way bigger deal. OP didn't seem to think so and is merely asking for polite working. Stop being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

DP. You can like someone without wanting them to be present in every single context of your life. That's okay. It doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it imply that the other person is unworthy in some way. It's a matter of context.

Do you want everyone you "really like enough" going on date night with you and your husband? invited to the spa day you do every summer with your two college roommates to catch up? coming to a quiet walk through the museum you had planned to clear your head?

All of the people you really like? really, all of them, every time, all at once?

It's a book club. Where are you getting "Every single context..." No need to exaggerate and make this into a way bigger deal. OP didn't seem to think so and is merely asking for polite working. Stop being dramatic.

"Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough..."

Mmm, no. Some contexts, yes, but not in some others.

Some book clubs are intimate gatherings with other purposes, and some are more free-wheeling and easily opened to new people. You don't know which unless you ask, and when you ask, you acknowledge that there are different contexts instead of assuming you are welcome in every one. Listen -- "Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough..." is just not true.

The people that don't want you around in everything they do, PP, don't necessarily hate you, or want to hurt you, or think that you are trash. Theya re just busy with their own lives. Let them be busy, and go find something to be busy with, yourself. You'll be happier. You'll be fine.