Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

OP wrote: "She is lovely and I want to be inclusive."

Then just make a few quick phone calls /emails to the other members to see whether or not they object to inviting another person.

Then contact your friend and let her know that you asked the others and what the majority response was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol at the idea of having an exclusive book club.

Right? Sad.

[Anonymous]

OP - I get it. I am in a book club that's been together for twenty years. This issue is that we don't just discuss books; we've been together for so long that our discussions are often quite personal (marriage, issues with kids, etc.). For the first 2-3 years, people did come into the group and some left, but the current group has been in place for at least 16 years. Introducing a new person to that dynamic would be very awkward.

I would ask your friends if people are open to new members generally. If this response is no, ask if your neighbor would be interested in forming a book club with other neighbors. I belong to a different group with neighbors in addition to the group mentioned above. That group is much more open and changes as people move into or out of the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

I belong to a book club and we routinely accept new people. A huge percentage come to a few meetings and then, we never see them again. We meet once a month and reading is a commitment.

If you have a group leader, ask their opinion.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your neighbor (who is apparently lovely) wants to make friends. That’s hard as an adult. You can reject her but accept that this will color your relationship going forward. It just will

[Anonymous]

OP, the first rule of book club is you do not talk about book club (if you want it to remain private). You opened your mouth, so pay the cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

Our book club with core members of 15 years opened up to a couple of new members recently. Everything changes anyway. It enhanced our group and the conversations.

But it needs to be a group decision - so talk to your other club members about what how they would feel.

[Anonymous]

OP: How many members are in your book club ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

You do seem to ascribe very interestingly malicious motives that truly could be fit for a novel . Sometimes topics come up in passing without ill intent.
.

[Anonymous]

Just start a new book club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a Libra?

must be

[Anonymous]

I have been in my book club for 12 years and has a similar dynamic to yours! Absolutely NO! I would tell neighbor that we voted at the beginning not to ask new members in unless someone drops out. I would help her start a new Book Club with a combination of other other people.
We have such a comfort level in my book club that no one would be happy. Also, you will be better off keeping neighbors and friend groups separate! It is a lose, lose situation.

[Anonymous]

You will regret this move!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

You are a terrible friend. If you said no to me I would know how your truly felt about our relationship and I would let it die. But sounds like that is what you want.