Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

Your post made me throw up a little in my mouth. How unbelievably and ridiculously cliquish!! You should really have a bit of shame over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has to be invited to everything. It’s ok to have separate groups of friends and do things wth that group w/o inviting friends from another part of your life. These responses are bizarre.

I think most of us would agree that it is okay to have separate group of friends. What I find objectionable is that OP wants to exclude someone who would like to participate.

OP doesn't even want to broach the subject with the other members of the book club. Her reasoning is because they have been only that small group for soooooooo long. That seems offensive to me and I don't even know OP or the people in the book club. Like, sorry chick, I didn't even know about your preschool back when my kid was that young. If I had, well, certainly I would have made sure that my kid went there so I could join the precious mommy book club lol.

It is funny. I don't normally get upset about stuff like this but I feel really badly for this woman who wants to join and is being excluded just because she met OP 10 years later. Sigh.

Would you feel the same way about a bookclub of college friends or high school friends? That the neighbor should be invited? I think it’s weird the neighbor-friend wants to join a bookclub w/ this woman’s random longtime friends. She should Start a neighborhood bookclub w the friend. I know many ppl in multiple Bookclubs.

Then it's not a book club. It's a clique of mom friends (or i your case HS/college friends) who get together and maybe read books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has to be invited to everything. It’s ok to have separate groups of friends and do things wth that group w/o inviting friends from another part of your life. These responses are bizarre.

I think most of us would agree that it is okay to have separate group of friends. What I find objectionable is that OP wants to exclude someone who would like to participate.

OP doesn't even want to broach the subject with the other members of the book club. Her reasoning is because they have been only that small group for soooooooo long. That seems offensive to me and I don't even know OP or the people in the book club. Like, sorry chick, I didn't even know about your preschool back when my kid was that young. If I had, well, certainly I would have made sure that my kid went there so I could join the precious mommy book club lol.

It is funny. I don't normally get upset about stuff like this but I feel really badly for this woman who wants to join and is being excluded just because she met OP 10 years later. Sigh.

Would you feel the same way about a bookclub of college friends or high school friends? That the neighbor should be invited? I think it’s weird the neighbor-friend wants to join a bookclub w/ this woman’s random longtime friends. She should Start a neighborhood bookclub w the friend. I know many ppl in multiple Bookclubs.

Oddly enough, most of my current friends now are people I knew in middle school. I know for a fact that I would have no problem with new people joining our little "group" because it has happened over the years. We all have introduced others into our mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has to be invited to everything. It’s ok to have separate groups of friends and do things wth that group w/o inviting friends from another part of your life. These responses are bizarre.

I think most of us would agree that it is okay to have separate group of friends. What I find objectionable is that OP wants to exclude someone who would like to participate.

OP doesn't even want to broach the subject with the other members of the book club. Her reasoning is because they have been only that small group for soooooooo long. That seems offensive to me and I don't even know OP or the people in the book club. Like, sorry chick, I didn't even know about your preschool back when my kid was that young. If I had, well, certainly I would have made sure that my kid went there so I could join the precious mommy book club lol.

It is funny. I don't normally get upset about stuff like this but I feel really badly for this woman who wants to join and is being excluded just because she met OP 10 years later. Sigh.

Would you feel the same way about a bookclub of college friends or high school friends? That the neighbor should be invited? I think it’s weird the neighbor-friend wants to join a bookclub w/ this woman’s random longtime friends. She should Start a neighborhood bookclub w the friend. I know many ppl in multiple Bookclubs.

Oddly enough, most of my current friends now are people I knew in middle school. I know for a fact that I would have no problem with new people joining our little "group" because it has happened over the years. We all have introduced others into our mix.

+1 People enter, people exit groups. As long as they are not cults, all is fine. THe issue is OP doesn't want her "friend" to enter her group.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine if you don’t want new people in your book club, but you also don’t mention it to people outside the club. Most people are going to hear “book club” and assume you meet monthly to talk about a book and have snacks. And they will probably want to join and that’s normal. They won’t assume it’s a closed circle.

You should also probably not talk about a party you’re hosting that they’re not invited to, in case that needs to be said. Again, you’re obviously free to invite whoever you want and leave out whoever you want, it’s your party and your life, but common sense dictates you don’t talk about it in front of people who weren’t invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine if you don’t want new people in your book club, but you also don’t mention it to people outside the club. Most people are going to hear “book club” and assume you meet monthly to talk about a book and have snacks. And they will probably want to join and that’s normal. They won’t assume it’s a closed circle.

You should also probably not talk about a party you’re hosting that they’re not invited to, in case that needs to be said. Again, you’re obviously free to invite whoever you want and leave out whoever you want, it’s your party and your life, but common sense dictates you don’t talk about it in front of people who weren’t invited.

You ppl are all crazy. My friends in other bookclubs occasionally mention them — what they’re reading, themed food nights etc— and I see nothing wrong with them sharing and would never ask to join. I also have friends who go to parties and arrange dinners with their other friends and they tell me about that as well. It is bizarre to think ppl shouldn’t talk about things they do in their life w/ friends who aren’t in that group/invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine if you don’t want new people in your book club, but you also don’t mention it to people outside the club. Most people are going to hear “book club” and assume you meet monthly to talk about a book and have snacks. And they will probably want to join and that’s normal. They won’t assume it’s a closed circle.

You should also probably not talk about a party you’re hosting that they’re not invited to, in case that needs to be said. Again, you’re obviously free to invite whoever you want and leave out whoever you want, it’s your party and your life, but common sense dictates you don’t talk about it in front of people who weren’t invited.

You ppl are all crazy. My friends in other bookclubs occasionally mention them — what they’re reading, themed food nights etc— and I see nothing wrong with them sharing and would never ask to join. I also have friends who go to parties and arrange dinners with their other friends and they tell me about that as well. It is bizarre to think ppl shouldn’t talk about things they do in their life w/ friends who aren’t in that group/invited.

Sure you can mention but there really is no reason and it would help avoid situations like OP is in.

[Anonymous]

Y’all are so extreme. Op learn how to people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

Your post made me throw up a little in my mouth. How unbelievably and ridiculously cliquish!! You should really have a bit of shame over this.

This is why people pretend their book clubs are not taking new members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

Your post made me throw up a little in my mouth. How unbelievably and ridiculously cliquish!! You should really have a bit of shame over this.

This is why people pretend their book clubs are not taking new members.

Vomit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

Your post made me throw up a little in my mouth. How unbelievably and ridiculously cliquish!! You should really have a bit of shame over this.

This is why people pretend their book clubs are not taking new members.

Vomit?

DP. Apparently you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

Your post made me throw up a little in my mouth. How unbelievably and ridiculously cliquish!! You should really have a bit of shame over this.

This is why people pretend their book clubs are not taking new members.

Vomit?

DP. Apparently you did.

[Anonymous]

It's very easy to say "I'm so sorry, I discussed this with the group and everyone agreed we're just too large to accept new members. I will definitely let you know if someone drops out though!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's very easy to say "I'm so sorry, I discussed this with the group and everyone agreed we're just too large to accept new members. I will definitely let you know if someone drops out though!"

This. Don’t over explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the group but I think your reasons for excluding her are lame. If you weren’t open to new members, she should not know about it. It sounds like you discussed it.

OP put her foot in her mouth and now can't think of how to fix the faux pas. Don't mention the secret groups if they are exclusive and not taking new members.

Why should it be a secret?
Neighbor - want to come over for a glass of wine on Friday?
OP - I can’t. I have book club.
Neighbor- oh really? I’ve been looking for a book club to join.
OP - ????? um ??!!

OP - If you are open to it, you could start a new, different book club with the new friend.

It's like talking about parties you know other people aren't invited to. It's weird and most people try not to do that.

Ok, but if you said “want to get together Friday?” And I say “I can’t, I have plans” isn’t that weird and secretive? OP calls it book club but it’s not book club, it’s a regularly scheduled meet-up with friends. OP didn’t even think about saying “book club” because they have probably called it that at home for so long. My mom was a teacher and she would go have margaritas once a month with her colleagues from her building. They called it “choir practice”. I think this “book club” is similar.

It’s not weird or mean or rude for my friends to know that I have other friends. It’s only rude when the other person has a reasonable expectation of being included. If I said I was going to my family reunion, an alumni gathering, or a networking happy hour, that is not rude because you would not expect to be included unless you were also my relative, an alumni, or in my industry.

AND all the crazies on this thread are why every invite I sent starts off by declaring who is included -
Hey 3rd grade moms!
9th St Moms
Little league AA Pirates moms

. . . and then I invite everyone in that category.

In that case, OP should have clarified that it’s really a bunch of old friends getting together and not really a book club.