Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really mean for not including her! Middle school all over again 🫤

This right here is why so many posters are triggered.

Apparently not including someone in a book club is “mean.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the group but I think your reasons for excluding her are lame. If you weren’t open to new members, she should not know about it. It sounds like you discussed it.

OP put her foot in her mouth and now can't think of how to fix the faux pas. Don't mention the secret groups if they are exclusive and not taking new members.

Why should it be a secret?
Neighbor - want to come over for a glass of wine on Friday?
OP - I can’t. I have book club.
Neighbor- oh really? I’ve been looking for a book club to join.
OP - ????? um ??!!

OP - If you are open to it, you could start a new, different book club with the new friend.

It's like talking about parties you know other people aren't invited to. It's weird and most people try not to do that.

Ok, but if you said “want to get together Friday?” And I say “I can’t, I have plans” isn’t that weird and secretive? OP calls it book club but it’s not book club, it’s a regularly scheduled meet-up with friends. OP didn’t even think about saying “book club” because they have probably called it that at home for so long. My mom was a teacher and she would go have margaritas once a month with her colleagues from her building. They called it “choir practice”. I think this “book club” is similar.

It’s not weird or mean or rude for my friends to know that I have other friends. It’s only rude when the other person has a reasonable expectation of being included. If I said I was going to my family reunion, an alumni gathering, or a networking happy hour, that is not rude because you would not expect to be included unless you were also my relative, an alumni, or in my industry.

AND all the crazies on this thread are why every invite I sent starts off by declaring who is included -
Hey 3rd grade moms!
9th St Moms
Little league AA Pirates moms

. . . and then I invite everyone in that category.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

Why do people keep rewriting the OP to make this a “close” friend?

Probably the same reason people have decided that because neighbor asked about the book club because she wants to join one, she suddenly wants to go to OPs church, professional organizations, salon, family parties, vacations, etc and spend all their time together. It's a bit much.

You appear to have it backwards. People are pushing back against the idea that if the friends is liked, then of course you would invite her. But no -- this is just one of many times you might not invite someone, even if you like them.

People are allowed to feel a certain way about that, ie being excluded or not invited. Not sure why that bothers you so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the group but I think your reasons for excluding her are lame. If you weren’t open to new members, she should not know about it. It sounds like you discussed it.

OP put her foot in her mouth and now can't think of how to fix the faux pas. Don't mention the secret groups if they are exclusive and not taking new members.

Why should it be a secret?
Neighbor - want to come over for a glass of wine on Friday?
OP - I can’t. I have book club.
Neighbor- oh really? I’ve been looking for a book club to join.
OP - ????? um ??!!

OP - If you are open to it, you could start a new, different book club with the new friend.

It's like talking about parties you know other people aren't invited to. It's weird and most people try not to do that.

Ok, but if you said “want to get together Friday?” And I say “I can’t, I have plans” isn’t that weird and secretive? OP calls it book club but it’s not book club, it’s a regularly scheduled meet-up with friends. OP didn’t even think about saying “book club” because they have probably called it that at home for so long. My mom was a teacher and she would go have margaritas once a month with her colleagues from her building. They called it “choir practice”. I think this “book club” is similar.

It’s not weird or mean or rude for my friends to know that I have other friends. It’s only rude when the other person has a reasonable expectation of being included. If I said I was going to my family reunion, an alumni gathering, or a networking happy hour, that is not rude because you would not expect to be included unless you were also my relative, an alumni, or in my industry.

AND all the crazies on this thread are why every invite I sent starts off by declaring who is included -
Hey 3rd grade moms!
9th St Moms
Little league AA Pirates moms

. . . and then I invite everyone in that category.

Many book clubs are open to new people. Therefore it's reasonable to expect that this one would be too. Isn't that the whole point? OP hasn't yet explained that this one is different. So, no, neighbor is not being unreasonable in asking about it and meets your definition of "reasonable expectation of being included." Until OP explains that it's not just any book club but actually a group of preschool moms which obviously she should have just mentioned at the time.

[Anonymous]

In my book club anyone can suggest new members and we’re all too polite to say no. So we are too large with a couple of newer folks who don’t read the books and detract from the conversation. It really can be a hard thing to balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I get it. I am in a book club that's been together for twenty years. This issue is that we don't just discuss books; we've been together for so long that our discussions are often quite personal (marriage, issues with kids, etc.). For the first 2-3 years, people did come into the group and some left, but the current group has been in place for at least 16 years. Introducing a new person to that dynamic would be very awkward.

I would ask your friends if people are open to new members generally. If this response is no, ask if your neighbor would be interested in forming a book club with other neighbors. I belong to a different group with neighbors in addition to the group mentioned above. That group is much more open and changes as people move into or out of the neighborhood.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?

Exactly, she should never ask to come to next meeting. That is incredibly rude.

Asking is not incredibly rude. Just showing up is.

If you have a "close friend", why is it rude to express interest in doing things together. Presumably you would want to have her there if you really liked her enough...

Why do people keep rewriting the OP to make this a “close” friend?

Probably the same reason people have decided that because neighbor asked about the book club because she wants to join one, she suddenly wants to go to OPs church, professional organizations, salon, family parties, vacations, etc and spend all their time together. It's a bit much.

You appear to have it backwards. People are pushing back against the idea that if the friends is liked, then of course you would invite her. But no -- this is just one of many times you might not invite someone, even if you like them.

People are allowed to feel a certain way about that, ie being excluded or not invited. Not sure why that bothers you so much.

It doesn't. But it sure seems to revoke some strong feelings in some posters in the thread.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria.

[Anonymous]

"sure seems to invoke," that is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask the group but I think your reasons for excluding her are lame. If you weren’t open to new members, she should not know about it. It sounds like you discussed it.

OP put her foot in her mouth and now can't think of how to fix the faux pas. Don't mention the secret groups if they are exclusive and not taking new members.

Why should it be a secret?
Neighbor - want to come over for a glass of wine on Friday?
OP - I can’t. I have book club.
Neighbor- oh really? I’ve been looking for a book club to join.
OP - ????? um ??!!

OP - If you are open to it, you could start a new, different book club with the new friend.

It's like talking about parties you know other people aren't invited to. It's weird and most people try not to do that.

Ok, but if you said “want to get together Friday?” And I say “I can’t, I have plans” isn’t that weird and secretive? OP calls it book club but it’s not book club, it’s a regularly scheduled meet-up with friends. OP didn’t even think about saying “book club” because they have probably called it that at home for so long. My mom was a teacher and she would go have margaritas once a month with her colleagues from her building. They called it “choir practice”. I think this “book club” is similar.

It’s not weird or mean or rude for my friends to know that I have other friends. It’s only rude when the other person has a reasonable expectation of being included. If I said I was going to my family reunion, an alumni gathering, or a networking happy hour, that is not rude because you would not expect to be included unless you were also my relative, an alumni, or in my industry.

AND all the crazies on this thread are why every invite I sent starts off by declaring who is included -
Hey 3rd grade moms!
9th St Moms
Little league AA Pirates moms

. . . and then I invite everyone in that category.

No.

It’s easy to avoid.

Neighbor - want to come over for a glass of wine on Friday?
OP - Ooh, that sounds lovely! Oh, can’t do Friday, how about Saturday or Tuesday? I’ll bring some cheese!
Neighbor- Saturday works best. Yay! Girl bonding! Can’t wait.
OP - awesome, thanks for the invite!

[Anonymous]

Why do you call it a book club? Do you even read books? You should call it something else. Calling it a book club seems like it's open to anyone wanting to read books. If it's not that kind of club, tell her it's not actually a book club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe ask your book club friends and explain why you feel conflicted, and see what they think? If the general consensus if that they prefer not to have new numbers, maybe you and your neighbor can start a second group for the neighborhood? No rule that says you can't be in two book clubs

This!

Yes. Agree with this also. I'm in 2 book clubs.

[Anonymous]

Do you even actually read the book? I’m in one and no one reads the book, chat about kids and politics, and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

You explain that it has been the same group for over a decade now and many are resistant to changing things up now, especially if it means actually having to read books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are really mean for not including her! Middle school all over again 🫤

This right here is why so many posters are triggered.

The real overgrown middle schoolers here are the needy, boundary-free people whining about UR ALL MEEEEEEEEAN and looking for the current version of a teacher to run to shrieking "Teacher, MAKE her and her friends let us play with her!!!!!!"

And now, because it's DCUM, some lame, predictable boob will respond with "Found the bully!"

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

This is like going on and on about how you make an excellent lemon pound cake and telling a friend who then asks for a recipe only for you to say you don't share it. It's annoying, why even bring it up?!